My brother has hidden my nephews rugby playing...

[touchrugby]

Asking for my brother - I think he’s in a mess and I need to tell him what to expect and how unreasonable he was. Interested to hear from other divorced parents and sports teachers/ school administrators. I’ve tried to give as much context as possible.

My brother got divorced 4 years ago. They have (had?) an amicable coparent relationship- there was no cheating or unkindness in either side. My brother just became obsessed with giving his family a good life and he worked a lot of hours. When he wasn’t working he was a very engaged parent- my nephew is hugely sporty and they were always off doing sports- swimming, tennis, football, cross country etc. Ex SIL was a SAHP but eventually got frustrated (with justification) at never seeing her husband so went back to work and divorced him. They share 50/50 custody with my brother as the higher earner paying all DNs expenses.

My brother really wanted nephew to go to this very nice private school. To facilitate this he pays all the fees. It’s a great academic school so ex SIL was pretty happy-except for the sport. They’re a big rugby school and she was adamant that DN not play rugby due to injury risks. There was a big argument about it, with my brother and DN really wanting rugby, and her adamant that he wouldn’t play.

The school offers non contact rugby and eventually they agreed DN would do that. DN is in year 9 now and it’s recently come out that he switched to full contact rugby in the 3rd week of year 7 and SIL didn’t know. It’s come out because he’s recently been made captain of the A team and a few mums congratulated her.

It seems he hated the non contact team. He’s very gifted with sport and apparently it was a team of lads who just wanted to run around for a few hours and throw a ball. The school put little effort into it and there were no matches. He asked to switch to “proper” rugby and the school said they needed a parent to approve it- and my brother did.

His argument is that his son wanted it, the school did email SIL as well, and it’s been 2.5 years.
Her argument is that he knew her stance, he also knows she’s a bit disorganised and rarely reads emails especially ones about sport which she know my brother manages (she has over 10,000 unread emails on her phone!) and that my brother conspired to hide it.

She has a very valid point about the conspiring. She has a new partner. He works Saturdays so my brother used to have DN every Friday night so they could see each other, and he’d then take him to Sat morning matches before dropping him at SILs Sat evening. Brother and DN have both, in 2.5 years, managed not to say anything to her about his rugby which is obviously duplicitous, especially considering how good he is. Brother just managed all the kit and the washing and the games and it apparently never came up in conversation.

Shes utterly furious and is going to the school Monday to tell them to remove him from rugby. Brother planning on going to the school to tell them to keep him in rugby. DN is apparently going to refuse to return to his mums house unless she agrees to the rugby and is determined to continue.

I’ve maintained a good friendship with SIL. In many ways I’m closer her than my brother as I see her more (he’s still a workaholic in his non parenting time so he’s hard to get hold of!) I heard about the odd match but nothing specific, I assumed it was non contact and frankly don’t know anything about rugby anyway. She’s very unhappy with our family as obviously our parents knew as well. My dad watches half the matches!

Does anyone know what the school might do? My brother and nephew are digging their heels in and saying he’ll live full time at my brothers and my brother will therefore get full parental responsibility. I think this is rubbish and not legal. I am worried that a nice coparenting relationship is ruined and that SIL might lose my nephew. He loves his mum but he’s obsessed with sport and apparently A team captain at a school like his is a BIG deal. He’s already playing some 2nd eleven matches as well which is also apparently important. I don’t know how to feel about what my brother did. He has absolutely supported what DN wanted. My nephew is so happy playing rugby and so good at it and still uninjured, and it’s the game played by 90% of the school. She knew sending him there that if he didn’t play rugby he’d be a bit isolated but she will not have it.

Frankly I think there’s fault on both sides, but on balance how much more unreasonable was my brother and what the hell might happen next?

I would guess the school will say ‘this is nothing to do with us, you must sort it out between yourselves’. I think if one parent is totally opposed then they would uphold that decision and keep the boy off rugby.

As someone who was heartily relieved when DS stopped playing, I would have felt uneasy at preventing him from doing something if he had loved it and was clearly very good at it, but it really has to be a family decision, and the fact is that your DN is old enough to do things behind her back, even without his father’s cooperation.

Yes! It’s a risk with the sport , as in any sport it comes with its pros and cons.

I said that sport was seen as being healthy.
No sport is risk free. Should we ban them all?

This!
It’s on her in my opinion. She needs to tread very carefully moving forwards or she really will risk her relationship with everyone involved.
Just because she herself has no interest in sport doesn’t give her the green light to ignore anything and everything to do with it.

It's such a difficult one. I posted here because I knew I'd get a range of views from a range of people- so much seems to depend on pre existing experiences or opinions - whether your family plays rugby themselves, private school, parental roles, divorced parents. It's really been helpful.

As a lot of people have pointed out I started out very pro SIL as I couldn't get over the deception (and still can't.) I do understand a bit more though about rugby and the pressure DN would be under to play and the safety aspect. I also think SIL has been a bit generous with herself over the fact she managed to miss this. As a lot of people have pointed out, HOW?

DBs really not a Rupert! He works hard in something terribly boring and throws himself into parenting in his spare time. It's not especially healthy and I worry about what he'll do when DN is at university. For all her flaws my SIL has friends and a partner and clubs and a life outside of DN.

DB and DN need to grovel and understand why what they did is so flipping disrespectful. Someone made a comment upthread about his friends- they're round his house sometimes, she gives lifts. They must know not to talk about rugby so what about their parents? They need to understand how in dreadful this level of deceit is.
My SIL needs to be cognisant that she's at a tipping point here with DN, and I really think the rugby ship has sailed so how does she make the best of it.

You can't compare a 6yo wanting to live off sweets to a 14yo wanting to play a sport that's part of the school curriculum up and down the country.

These were all points that could and should have been made during the initial discussion with SIL and don't justify the deception.

It is interesting to know what a court would have made of this one. Suppose, rather than deceiving SIL, the brother had been honest and the parents had been at loggerheads on this point, presumably either party could have taken the other to court and a decision would have been made on the basis of the child's welfare.

At 14, barring any SEN (which haven't been mentioned) I suspect it would be up to the child whether he wanted to play or not.

But would a court have said the same at 11? If not, the mum has a point.

Mum says yes, dad says no. Then surely the son now has the deciding vote? The past two years are gone and although the deception was shit, what mother never ever shows up for their child's fixtures whether it is their days to have them or not. How could she not know!!

My son is captain of the A team of a big rugby private school. It is an incredible achievement and to take that away would be exceptionally cruel. There is not only Saturday fixtures but one training after school and one games lesson a week so that's three times a week of her not knowing what he was doing.

I have no doubt that rugby can cause injuries as many sports can. So far our worst injuries have been from hockey.

What may or may not have happened three years ago is pretty irrelevant at this point, though.

Mum can argue about it until she's blue in the face but she needs to deal with the situation that's in front of her, not the one she showed no interest in three years ago.

Very glad to hear that your brother is no Rupert from Ted Lasso @touchrugby ! But if he’s the decent guy you say he is, surely he must realise how awful the deception is that he is responsible for? As someone else pointed out, leaving all the rugby details out, he’s taught his son such an awful way to behave at such an impressionable age. He has to show he understands that, is genuinely remorseful and wants to repair the damage done in order to try and move forward constructively, no?

It's pretty relevant to whether the dad was acting in his child's bests interests by underhandedly signing that consent for.

I so, so feel for your SIL. Your DB lied, he got his son to lie to his mother. Your DB knew her strong feeling on this issue and instead of being upfront, he was entirely dismissive and took advantage of her trust and lack of interest in rugby. There is a smack of parental alienation here.

Unfortunately for her, it is unlikely she will be able to dissuade her son from playing under the given circumstances. And the pro-rugby squad will be out in so much force that she will be deemed entirely unreasonable. The genie is out of the bottle and that one or two seasons was all your BIL required to get his own way. His way or the highway, eh?

I wish you DN all the joy of sport and to remain injury free. I hope your SIL manages to keep a good relationship with him and in time he will understand very clearly the battle between his parents and who went about things in good faith, regardless of his own views on rugby.

For myself, someone dear to me who was on track for a stellar rugby career was stretchered off the pitch with a severely damaged neck. Thankfully he was not paralysed, but that brilliant sportsman was unable to play again. Ironically he still loves the game, whereas I find it very difficult to watch.

Two decades later I get a call from DS's school one evening. 'Your son got a hit to the head, took himself off the pitch saying he was dizzy, so I let him come off, but there was only 10 minutes to go, so I let him back on again and he fine. Just letting you know for the records'. I was so stunned, my only words were 'You let him go back on?' My young DS came home, with a massive bruise on his forehead and not quite himself. I did write to the school, highlighting research. My very sporty son simply wasn't really picked from then on in and thankfully switched sport.

I totally understand SIL's anxiety. It is arrogant, ignorant and cruel to be dismissive of it.

Why do you think it happened underhandedly? School asked for permission and he gave it. Seems perfectly above board to me.

He’s already playing some 2nd eleven matches as well which is also apparently important.

OP what do you mean by this?

What gives her the final say or upper hand as a parent over your db. I think she's totally out of order to remove a sport her son enjoys.

This sounds really tough. I think the best way forward would be to get a professional mediator to help them work through the issue if they can afford it.

He made a parental decision on behalf of both parents which exposed their son to physical risk and that he knew his ex wouldn't agree to and didn't bother to inform her. If that's not underhand, I dread to think what you think would be.