For not wanting my cousin to sing at my wedding?

[grimreefer]

My partner and I are getting married abroad. We have spent the last four years saving for our wedding of our dreams.

My first cousin lives in abroad and is a musician in pubs. To be blunt while talented at guitar and songwriting - vocally they are awful. Before emigrating they never had any gigs because locally no bar would pay, but mummy and daddy have put them on a pedistool to the extent they think they’re the best thing going and will one day sell out Wembley. Can you see where this is going?

Long story short, I found out my cousin intends to bring their guitar and perform at the wedding. Her mum said it will be great for the family to have a sing song together. The problem is with my cousin it’s never a sing song together but their own private show. My partner and I have already organised our music for our wedding and we never invited my cousin to come and perform.

I messaged my cousin privately to confirm if this was true which it was, but they also asked if I wanted them to write a song for our wedding to perform. My partner and I really don’t enjoy their vocals and collectively agreed (with immediate family input) that we do not want them to perform at our wedding.

We advised my cousin that we have our musicians arranged and scheduled for our wedding and they should enjoy the time off, and that we are thankful for them for offering but we do not want them to bring their guitar to our wedding.

Uproar. Her mum has texted my mum stating I am being selfish and ridiculous, that her child doesn’t often see family and they don’t often get to see her perform so this would’ve been a great opportunity for everyone. Not only am I selfish but apparently I am jealous. My mum told her that as it is my wedding I am entitled to do what I want and that my aunty doesn’t have to go if she doesn’t want to.

AIBU? I’m not joking but they’re awful. Even reviews on the pubs they sing at say the same.

Yanbu. You don't want your wedding to be remembered as the one where someone got a guitar out and sang so badly everyone was trying not to laugh.

It's your wedding and her mother has no right to use it as a performance platform for her daughter. She can use her own house for that any time.

Good for you and your mum. This cousin and her mum are making it all about the cousin. Not on. If it’s awful, it’s all guests will remember

Just put your foot down and say absolutely not. Don't let your cousin spoil your special day. I've been to a couple of parties where someone has brought along their guitar and the music has been turned off and everyone is expected to sit and listen to the bloody awful caterwauling of someone who thinks they are Neil Diamond. It just changes the whole vibe and ruins th atmosphere. Can arrange for someone to sneak into cousins house and steal the guitar before the event?🤣

Some people are advocating this well intentioned advice...but no. Do not do this.

That is simply meeting needless drama with more needless drama.
Just quietly and politely stick to your guns. The more you create, the more your aunt will think she's got a case to fight. Be the one in the right by simply being right. You don't need to justify your decision, so don't. Certainly don't start bringing 'upstaging the bride' into it, fanning the flames.
Be pleasant but resolute. If they want to make a pair of divas of themselves, let them do it alone.

Good luck.

YANBU.
And don't give way and let her do a 15 minute slot or the next day party (whatever that is) which some other people have suggested. It's your wedding, not a captive audience for cousin and aunt to show off her "talent".

You get to decide what music you want at your wedding and that's it. Her style of music isn't what you want at your wedding and both she and the aunt have to accept that.
I'm a professional musician (and I'm not shit). I have played at some friends' and relatives' weddings but not at everyone's because not everyone wants the style of music I play at their wedding and prefer something different. And that's fine and I've never once (and nor did my parents when they were alive) made any kind of fuss about not being asked. I've also not "dropped hints" in advance, such as "I could play at your wedding if you like" or whatever. I've waited to be asked.
Part of making it as a musician is taking no for an answer and bouncing back, respecting other people's boundaries and understanding that not everyone likes your instrument/style. And the other part of it is listening to yourself and working out whether you are shit or not

See if you can find a pub that has an open mic evening the night before or after, and suggest that the family gets together at that.

Why?

Because the complaint was that family rarely get to hear cousin perform. If they're all going to be around that weekend for the wedding, they can hear him perform, but not at the wedding.

You only "perform" at someone else's wedding if you've been asked to do so by the bride and groom or if the reception has a karaoke. Otherwise you accept it's not about you.

Wow they're being really rude and pushy. The last thing you want is all the guests to laugh about how horrible his singing was, when they think of your wedding day! Explain that you do not want anyone to sing apart from the booked gig.

YANBU

Hopefully, they she and her mother won't come now because even if they do, they will find a way to publicly complain or perform anyway at one of your wedding functions.

YANBU. Stand your ground

Oh but let everyone hear why she didn't sing at the wedding!

'Nope, I've already got that all sorted. But thanks so much for offering!"

I do think that if there is any additional push back, you need to be firm and push back harder

“no, cousin isn’t going to sing at my wedding, she can sing at her own. It’s not a jealousy thing, both future H and I are on the same page here, we don’t want her singing at our wedding.”

Why is that for OP to research?

It's for you to decide and you have very politely and firmly let them know your arrangements. It is a wedding with professional entertainment not a talent show for family members. It could possibly by funny/ entertaining for a couple of songs near the end of the night but the risk is they could keep playing and playing.

Thanks, it’s kind to offer but not we had planned and doesn’t fit the theme of the wedding. It would be great to catch up another time as a family and hear x then.

Could be worse, Op. I remember a thread where the bride's uncle (I think) informed her that his wedding present to her would be an hour-long performance of "interpretative dance".....

Firm line in the sand here - your wedding your rules. Band is already in place, plus it is completely inappropriate for a family member(s) to use it for their own agenda/ego boost. If they don't like them they don't need to come.

And plus, the likelihood of finding a pub in the vicinity with those exact dates for an open mic night are infinitesimal. You're suggesting the OP should try to facilitate this?
Who has the time to go on a wild goose chase?

You know exactly what she meant

Pedants' Corner is thataway>>>>>

if it’s going to cause a load of agro I’d probably let her get on with it for 10 minutes

I don't understand how people like this cope with life. If you wouldn't even have the most basic boundaries about your own wedding you must never go to the restaurant you want or get to watch your choice of TV.

'I don't think so.Buy us a toaster'.

I think Aunty needs to be told that it’s your wedding and not the Cousin Show. You have already paid for musos because that’s what you want.