To think she shouldn't put him in tights?

[TotoroElla]

Just trying to understand and find a way forward.

A family member's little boy is in foster care currently. He is 4 yo. The FC keeps putting him in tights. His mum is getting upset with it and doesn't understand why she keeps doing it. She has asked for her to stop and the SW has asked her to stop too. Mum doesn't feel it is very dignified for him to be at nursery wearing what is culturally a girls' clothes item. He was getting so hot in them the other day as of course he has trousers over them.

Can anyone shed any light as to why she is doing this or what his mum can do about it?

Not all children are in foster care as a result of poor parenting. Plus, if you'd bothered to read pp you would know that the mum is unwell and sounds as if she is unable to parent. There's a difference.

We're really not trying to antagonise her just advocate for the little boy. I do wonder what her motive for antagonising and worrying mum is? It surely isn't helpful. We've been told she is known for being 'difficult' and 'overstepping' but she will care well for him. Aside from this issue we think she is doing a great job and we are very grateful.

We did wonder if speaking to the FC's SW would help?

It's good to hear from other FC's - thank you!

Thank you, that is exactly what we are doing. The FC may have not been aware initially that he was uncomfortable in them as he can't say so it is surely important for mum to tell her. And for her to listen. He is still her child and she knows him best and wants the best for him.

I don't think we should wait for the LAC review. He is uncomfortable now!

You would ignore them even though the mother of the child has told you he is uncomfortable. Are you a FC? I hope not. This is not about your 'principles' it is about a child!!

As I have pointed out this child is not outside, is not cold and is not choosing to wear them. That is the difference!

We did wonder if speaking to the FC's SW would help?

As per my pp you need to document your concerns in writing to the child's SW.

A scattergun approach is unlikely to be productive.

Re: the SW reaction to "dignity" I wonder if thats a reflection on how the issue was raised? Maybe or not

You need to go back and be very clear this is about comfort/over heating and the child not wanting to wear this garment and evidencing why.

You can't say "they don't like it". How do you know they are too hot/uncomfortable.

If the child is non verbal/minimal vocab how do they express themselves in relation to this issue? Pulling off the tights? Signs of overheating? Dehydrated and drinking more as sweating? Does their behaviour change when tights are removed? How does it change? Etc

Make your case based on evidence and facts and not on stereotypes and at all times be child centric.

I believe the nursery do remove them. He is not outside for most of the time. If there is a reason the FC is welcome to share it with mum and his SW.

I have 3 boys who lived in tights until starting school. Normal teenage boys now. And by the way things totally normally in Europe where I was bought up.

Bullshit gender stereotypes, when it's actually about warmth and practically.

I'm bothered he's hot. The SW additionally is concerned about the choice of clothing being different to the other little boys considering he can't verbalise his choice, mum became worried other DC at nursery would notice.

As has been made clear it is an issue for the DC who is hot and uncomfortable. Due to this it is also a problem for me.

And it was cold, I expect?

Nursery!?! Kids at don't gaf what other kids are wearing. If a kids toonhot, take off layers. It's winter. JC.

It's hard enough for her having the FC dress him differently to how she would. Not to put him in outfits she would like etc. But she says nothing about that. But in this matter she is speaking up.

Can't believe the replies here, OP. You've been very patient. Mum has rights, as you know, and the bottom line is this isn't great for the child. I agree with prev poster: clear concise written communication with FC's SW. Can mum's SW liaise with FC SW? If it's been raised already and FC is not cooperating they need to go back to her and find out what the reason is, and explain that she needs to stop. If nursery are also noticing the issue you could ask them to provide written comms also, and pass on accordingly. Honestly - we got half way through the process to be FCs but our house isn't ideal for it with the specific requirements needed, changes would take significant work. It frustrates me that there are so few of them making it through and the ones who are approved are people who don't always understand the importance of respecting parents' wishes where reasonable. I mentioned during the training that my kid mostly wears second hand stuff and SW stated that new clothes are most appropriate for foster children, understandably. It's equally appropriate for him to be in clothes that aren't going to single him out in any other way. I hope you get somewhere with this.

You have spectacularly missed the point.

It's it NOT about stereotypes.

It's about a young child with SEN and minimal vocabulary being uncomfortable in an item of clothing.

It doesn't matter what that clothing is. It could be a woolly hat or a onesie.

Many male children wear tights or long underwear and do so happily as they are functional garments.

It's a non issue that's a red herring for the actual issue of a child WHO CANNOT EXPLAIN that being put in clothing that makes them uncomfortable/overheated.

But it is not normal here because it is about the child being comfortable and not too hot. I'm sure he'll still be a normal boy even if allowed to be comfortable in socks!

There's a separate fostering specific board on Mumsnet too, OP, if you want responses that are more understanding of the situation.

Well, I think she can be forgiven for worrying a bit too much. And yes, tights were removed so he was comfortable. It may be winter but it 10c - no need for tights!

Does the foster carer provide clothes or do they come from home?

Does DC struggle with the feel of trousers?

Not sure she's able to 'clean' herself of the cancer through sheer will. I'm sure she would if she could.

Thank you, that's very helpful. We do need to get to the bottom of this to move forward, you're right.

We lived in Germany for 6 years and it was very common for boys 6 and under to wear tights under trousers when it was cold. You could even buy them in packs with "masculine" colors such as royal blue, navy blue, dark grey and brown. It certainly kept the chills out.

Ah, I didn't realise that, thank you!