To think she shouldn't put him in tights?

[TotoroElla]

Just trying to understand and find a way forward.

A family member's little boy is in foster care currently. He is 4 yo. The FC keeps putting him in tights. His mum is getting upset with it and doesn't understand why she keeps doing it. She has asked for her to stop and the SW has asked her to stop too. Mum doesn't feel it is very dignified for him to be at nursery wearing what is culturally a girls' clothes item. He was getting so hot in them the other day as of course he has trousers over them.

Can anyone shed any light as to why she is doing this or what his mum can do about it?

I put tights on my boy under trousers at nursery in the winters.. I think a lot of people do.
Nursery children under the age of 3 will not be making fun of each other they do not know what is 'culturally girls clothing' at that age.
If you think he's getting too hot that's a legitimate concern however I'm afraid if someone else is looking after him they may have different ideas of when it's too hot or cold and really they do have a right to make those choices just as any caregiver would. Not sure theres much you can do except say 'dont you think its too warm for that?' But if they disagree and think its cold.. well thats that i guess. People have this issue when parents are seperated... one parent puts the child in a coat and jumper.. the other wouldnt do that, they think its not cold enough etc end of the day theres not much you can do because that other person has parental responsibility when the childs in their care so get to maje decisions about whether they think the child might get cold or not whilst the child is in their care

Well yes, girls usually wear tights under a skirt or dress. But he has tights and then trousers on top.

What does the foster cater say when asked not to do this? She/he is the only one who can explain the reasoning

It doesn't really matter why he is in FC but mum is unwell.

I don't see that you've said HE'S uncomfortable. Just that you and BM don't want him in tights in case kids make fun.
How does the child feel about wearing tights? I agree with PP, it would be a tough job to get tights onto an unwilling 4yr old.

Of course it is weird and not right for every day wear fir a 4 year old boy. I don't care who that offends.

This is mumsnet so you will get all sorts telling you they do it. In a working class area you would NEVER see this.

I am a Foster carer, she is being extremely innapropriate and unfeeling towards the mother.

I have always considered the parents feelings by making them feel as involved as possible in decisions like this even if they don't directly ask me.

He is NOT her son, she needs to remember that!

I have always had fantastic relationships with the birth families. I cannot believe she is ignoring the SW.

The SW claiming it's undignified? I'm sorry but that sounds ridiculous. If he doesn't like them then can't he use his words? If he doesn't mind then what's the problem. In warm weather I'd imagine they wouldn't be necessary and he will surely be able to choose what he wears to an extent?

He's not able to say so. But he's not a cold child and gets red blotches when hot and also gets upset.

You clearly aren't a Foster carer and it's a good job with a judgmental attitude like that.

Don’t see a problem with it

Children often have clothing preferences based on how the clothes feel and like (or dislike) certain textures or tight/loose clothing. Sensory sensitivity is especially common in children who are struggling in other ways (like being in care). I imagine that the kid wants to wear tights and the trousers on top are a compromise to help him fit in. If it makes the child’s life easier then it’s a good thing. Building a working relationship with those looking after your relative is going to help your relative a lot more than stopping your relative from wearing tights.

Well, it's true they probably wouldn't notice but it is quite clear to us anyway. I think mum understandably worries.

He's 4, he doesn't need tights under his trousers when he's at nursery or in the house. Actually I'd say he doesn't need them at all and if the sw has asked her to stop then she should stop

Well, no, not for a laugh. I just can't understand why she won't take on board that it is too warm for them and he gets uncomfortable and that the SW feels it is undignified and his mum has asked her to stop. He returns with socks on and hasn't frozen on the journey so why does she think he is cold?

He is too hot when with us/picked up from nursery. Nursery is warm too.

Yes like wooly tights.

@SecondHandFurniture

the SW says it's not protecting his dignity.

it's not about being too warm or anything sensible. It's just stupidity, I'd not be listening to her either!

It’s normal in most of Europe to put tights on boys. The English are obsessed with boys versus girls clothing and that’s why children in the UK, especially boys, aren’t very well dressed. On holiday you can spot English children a mile off.

If your relative doesn’t like it she can just pass that onto the FC but the whole ‘undignified for boys’ argument is really ignorant.

I’m really surprised a social worker has the time or inclination to care about tights in the first place!

Or that anyone would think tights were “undignified” - has anyone told various actors?

As the child has sensory issues and is unable to advocate his needs for himself but you can see he’s too hot/ uncomfortable I would definitely push back against this big time. I’d keep binning the tights every time and explain firmly that as it’s expressly against the wishes of mum and SW has agreed that this needs to stop immediately. That and the fact it’s totally unnecessary and harming the child by making him too hot and uncomfortable. Why should the poor child continue to be uncomfortable because the FC is obviously batshit. Nobody of any sex needs tights under trousers in this weather. Make a formal complaint to social care. I’d also be speaking to nursery as well and making them aware of the situation.

He's too warm, though. And would you just ignore the SW expressing that opinion and also mum asking you to stop it. I appreciate your point (she's unwell and having treatment) but she worries about him, of course.

The FC needs to do what the SW is asking her to do.

The choice to put a 4yo boy in tights under trousers is very odd in normal British winter weather. It's not the Yukon. And if it were the Yukon, parents would put padded snow pants/ bibs over normal indoor clothes and the snow gear would be taken off when the child came inside.

The SW's reason to object to the tights is odd. Boys do wear tights and tights-like thermals under trousers in some cultures and climates. It's not 'undignified'.

The other children shouldn't be allowed to make fun of their SEN classmate. Teachers need to protect him and encourage a more accepting atmosphere.

However -
How do you know all of this?
And how does the mum have so much first hand info wrt the child if he is in foster care?

The only person who can answer that is her. None of us can tell you why she thinks he's cold . Maybe she's one of those people who also feels cold herself and so thinks he's cold too? Maybe her house is very cold? Maybe she was doing it over winter when it was cold and is just doing out of habit? Only she knows!

I think unless he's becoming dangerously overheated it's really not a big problem. Presumably, quite a small problem in the grand scheme of things if he's been removed from his parents! Does his mum give thanks for all the care he's getting from the foster carer or is it just moaning about him being a little bit warm in the clothes she dresses him in?

Yes, babies but he's not a baby. And surely your teen wears them if they are cold? I actually didn't really think about the boy/girl thing it was the SW who said it was undignified at his age.