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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she shouldn't put him in tights?

635 replies

TotoroElla · 23/02/2024 23:01

Just trying to understand and find a way forward.

A family member's little boy is in foster care currently. He is 4 yo. The FC keeps putting him in tights. His mum is getting upset with it and doesn't understand why she keeps doing it. She has asked for her to stop and the SW has asked her to stop too. Mum doesn't feel it is very dignified for him to be at nursery wearing what is culturally a girls' clothes item. He was getting so hot in them the other day as of course he has trousers over them.

Can anyone shed any light as to why she is doing this or what his mum can do about it?

OP posts:
Ladybrrrd · 23/02/2024 23:52

She should be respecting the Mum's wishes, and I can see it being too warm but if course there's nothing wrong with boys in tights. They're just clothes.

SecondHandFurniture · 23/02/2024 23:52

Genuinely horrified at people posting that this is a case of a bad mum who has had her child "removed", when the OP has twice stated his mum is unwell and having treatment.

LuluBlakey1 · 23/02/2024 23:53

My DS2 is 4 and he would make it very clear he did not want to wear DD's woolly red tights to school. He wears long trousers, socks and his trainers, and with his outdoor jacket is quite warm enough- even today when it was 3 degrees here this morning.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 23/02/2024 23:55

Mooda · 23/02/2024 23:27

Weird answers. Tights under trousers uncomfortable and almost always unnecessary in this country except maybe during rare cold snaps. Certainly not appropriate at the moment. YANBU. Will SW make this clear to FC?

She already has a couple of times and mum has asked multiple times and the FC has ignored this. I completely agree, it is way too warm. And clearly he finds them hot and uncomfortable. Some people seem to get hung up on being cold. I'm wondering if the FC really feels the cold or something and this is blinding her to the fact he is a warm child!

OP posts:
Original poster
TotoroElla · 23/02/2024 23:56

Hankunamatata · 23/02/2024 23:28

Are there toileting issues?

He is in nappies if that's what you mean?

OP posts:
FabFebHalfTerm · 23/02/2024 23:57

TotoroElla · 23/02/2024 23:51

Yes, babies but he's not a baby. And surely your teen wears them if they are cold? I actually didn't really think about the boy/girl thing it was the SW who said it was undignified at his age.

Show quote history

@TotoroElla

i hope his Mum gets well enough to get him back home asap. Could none of the family have moved in with them or had them move in to help instead of him going into FC?? She must be distraught.

However, you need to focus on him being too hot as the reason, that makes sense but (from your OP

Mum doesn't feel it is very dignified for him to be at nursery wearing what is culturally a girls' clothes item

does not.

JoanDarc · 23/02/2024 23:59

I can’t believe the responses. Tight under trousers indoors regardless of age/sex isn’t necessary and can be uncomfortable.
I’m amazed a FC is blatantly ignoring requests from the SW/ birth parent.

fakeprofile · 24/02/2024 00:02

I don’t have experience with social workers, but is it normal for a SW to be getting involved in such trivial matters!? Mum is clearly going through a hard time, but surely there are bigger priorities for her right now!

purpleme12 · 24/02/2024 00:02

Foster carer shouldn't be doing this.
At least, not if the parent doesn't want it.
Go back to social worker again about it.
It's not relevant here whether you or I would put a boy in tights. Over this matter, a foster parent should be working with the parent.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 00:04

Pearlyclouds · 23/02/2024 23:34

I put tights on my boy under trousers at nursery in the winters.. I think a lot of people do.
Nursery children under the age of 3 will not be making fun of each other they do not know what is 'culturally girls clothing' at that age.
If you think he's getting too hot that's a legitimate concern however I'm afraid if someone else is looking after him they may have different ideas of when it's too hot or cold and really they do have a right to make those choices just as any caregiver would. Not sure theres much you can do except say 'dont you think its too warm for that?' But if they disagree and think its cold.. well thats that i guess. People have this issue when parents are seperated... one parent puts the child in a coat and jumper.. the other wouldnt do that, they think its not cold enough etc end of the day theres not much you can do because that other person has parental responsibility when the childs in their care so get to maje decisions about whether they think the child might get cold or not whilst the child is in their care

It is really not cold enough here for tights as well as trousers. Noone here does it beyond maybe a cold snap and they're playing outside. They are not under 3 - they are 3 and 4 years olds. And yes some do at that age. If the little boy is hot and uncomfortable then I don't think they should have a right to do that to him. It doesn't matter if they think it is cold or warm, if the little boy is too warm (and his family who knows the signs best is pointing out to her that he is) then she should dress him appropriately. This is different to separated parents who both know the DC well. Also the FC doesn't have parental responsibility.

OP posts:
Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 00:07

shoppingshamed · 23/02/2024 23:35

What does the foster cater say when asked not to do this? She/he is the only one who can explain the reasoning

Show quote history

She doesn't say much! Not to us, anyway. I mean she sort of says ok, but then puts him in them again. It's baffling. She's a nice lady and obviously cares a lot about the little boy/puts a lot of effort into his care but she's quite hard work too.

OP posts:
Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 00:10

Slanabhaile · 23/02/2024 23:36

I don't see that you've said HE'S uncomfortable. Just that you and BM don't want him in tights in case kids make fun.
How does the child feel about wearing tights? I agree with PP, it would be a tough job to get tights onto an unwilling 4yr old.

I did in my OP - I said when I saw him the other day he was so hot.

He is non-verbal so can't express his feelings. But once the tights were off and he had cooled down he was his usual happy self.

OP posts:
AndThatWasNY · 24/02/2024 00:10

BobbyBiscuits · 23/02/2024 23:37

The SW claiming it's undignified? I'm sorry but that sounds ridiculous. If he doesn't like them then can't he use his words? If he doesn't mind then what's the problem. In warm weather I'd imagine they wouldn't be necessary and he will surely be able to choose what he wears to an extent?

Don't use the term "use his words". Which sounds pretty victim blaming about a child in care.
He has almost certainly learnt that "his words" aren't being listened to many vital moments.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 00:12

Firecarrier · 23/02/2024 23:36

Of course it is weird and not right for every day wear fir a 4 year old boy. I don't care who that offends.

This is mumsnet so you will get all sorts telling you they do it. In a working class area you would NEVER see this.

I am a Foster carer, she is being extremely innapropriate and unfeeling towards the mother.

I have always considered the parents feelings by making them feel as involved as possible in decisions like this even if they don't directly ask me.

He is NOT her son, she needs to remember that!

I have always had fantastic relationships with the birth families. I cannot believe she is ignoring the SW.

Thank you for understanding. She is really hard work and I wish she would not have to make issues of things which doesn't help when mum is so unwell. We do appreciate her looking after him, though, if course. This is all new to us and hard to know how to navigate!

OP posts:
Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 00:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Where did I say he was in FC because her parenting was poor?!

OP posts:
NewName24 · 24/02/2024 00:16

I said that because his mum was upset about kids at nursery making fun of him as tights are usually put on girls.

This part is ridiculous. a) they wouldn't even know what he has on under his trousers and b) children in Nursery don't make fun of what other children wear. Seriously, all of them wonder round in all sorts of strange mixtures of clothing throughout the day.

If the Nursery has a little one with SEND, who is non-verbal, they will be very aware of how comfortable or otherwise he is temperature wise and would have left the tights off at nappy changing time if that were an issue.

So I am inclined to agree with all of those saying that you, and his birth mother are focusing on the wrong thing here.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 00:16

BobbyBiscuits · 23/02/2024 23:37

The SW claiming it's undignified? I'm sorry but that sounds ridiculous. If he doesn't like them then can't he use his words? If he doesn't mind then what's the problem. In warm weather I'd imagine they wouldn't be necessary and he will surely be able to choose what he wears to an extent?

As I've said he has SEN - he can't 'use his words'. They aren't necessary now - it's 10c! He is too hot.

OP posts:
Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 00:17

StressefHousePurchase · 23/02/2024 23:38

Don’t see a problem with it

So it's fine for him to be uncomfortable? And for the FC to ignore the wishes of his mother?

OP posts:
Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 00:18

Franklyfrost · 23/02/2024 23:39

Children often have clothing preferences based on how the clothes feel and like (or dislike) certain textures or tight/loose clothing. Sensory sensitivity is especially common in children who are struggling in other ways (like being in care). I imagine that the kid wants to wear tights and the trousers on top are a compromise to help him fit in. If it makes the child’s life easier then it’s a good thing. Building a working relationship with those looking after your relative is going to help your relative a lot more than stopping your relative from wearing tights.

No he doesn't like them as they make him too hot.

OP posts:
Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 00:19

TheTimeIsNowMaybeNow · 23/02/2024 23:40

He's 4, he doesn't need tights under his trousers when he's at nursery or in the house. Actually I'd say he doesn't need them at all and if the sw has asked her to stop then she should stop

He really doesn't need them.

OP posts:
BreadInCaptivity · 24/02/2024 00:19

Your sister need to take her concerns (potentially with your help) up with the SW again.

Ideally in writing and be detailed about your concerns which need to be child centric.

By which means don't focus on tights are not for boys but that he is too hot/uncomfortable (how do you know? How does he express this?) Be specific.

However be mindful that FC's are like unicorns and in short supply.

I'm not suggesting you don't raise concerns - you absolutely should, but I would be conscious of being very evidential and specific about the concern and what you want to achieve.

hawtrain · 24/02/2024 00:20

I think it's disrespectful of the FC. There's nothing wrong with tights but if the parent has asked her not to and the SW has agreed, the FC shouldn't be dressing him in them.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 00:20

FabFebHalfTerm · 23/02/2024 23:46

@SecondHandFurniture

the SW says it's not protecting his dignity.

it's not about being too warm or anything sensible. It's just stupidity, I'd not be listening to her either!

Show quote history

He is too hot in them as I said in my OP! But at the end of the day the FC does not have parental responsibility for him and it is appropriate for them to listen to his mum and the SW.

OP posts:
sprigatito · 24/02/2024 00:21

I'm not sure it's appropriate for his mother to be dictating to his foster carer about details that don't have any safeguards implications, such as clothing choices. It's not workable. He's in the care of a foster carer who presumably is trained and supervised, so his mother needs to accept that and not attempt to micromanage. Would she complain he was given chicken nuggets for a quick dinner, or allowed a packet of Wotsits? Those are things some parents would consider poor choices for a toddler too, but they aren't outside the normal range of caregiving and they may well happen in a care setting. His mother would be better off leaving the foster carer to do her job and focusing on whatever the situation is that led to his being taken into care. If there are serious concerns about his care, the SW should be handling them.

ZiriForGood · 24/02/2024 00:21

It's totally valid to discuss the warmth perspective, but I don't get the "undignified" part. Some girls hate tights, some boys are ok wearing them, tights are functional wear, not a sex specific one.