To think she shouldn't put him in tights?

[TotoroElla]

Just trying to understand and find a way forward.

A family member's little boy is in foster care currently. He is 4 yo. The FC keeps putting him in tights. His mum is getting upset with it and doesn't understand why she keeps doing it. She has asked for her to stop and the SW has asked her to stop too. Mum doesn't feel it is very dignified for him to be at nursery wearing what is culturally a girls' clothes item. He was getting so hot in them the other day as of course he has trousers over them.

Can anyone shed any light as to why she is doing this or what his mum can do about it?

Yep, the disabled non verbal child just needs to speak up. Thank heavens you’ve pointed that out.

As I've said he's pretty much non-verbal. He does say words to us but not to the FC (yet).

Haven't read the whole thread but Iv seen tights mentioned on sen boards to stop child removing nappy or putting hands in the nappy constantly or to smear

Thank you. That's very kind of you.

It was bewildering at the time. I was 7 yrs old and no one would explain what was wrong: an ambulance took Mum away in the middle of the night because she had a threatened miscarriage and she was placed on bed rest for a few months. Children weren't allowed to visit the maternity ward in those days. (1960s.)

Unfortunately, Mum eventually miscarried in the hospital.

When Mum got home, I vaguely recall her telling me that she'd been away because "ladies sometimes need something called a D&C". (My parents didn't want me to fret over a lost sibling. I was in my late teens before I got the full explanation.)

My very best wishes to your family member and her little boy. Thank you for supporting her. It makes all the difference.

Totally fine for a disabled child to be made to be hot, uncomfortable, itchy and irritable?

Fine for a FC to not notice or care what a child she is trusted with needs?

or fine for a FC to do whatever she wants despite what the mother, the SW and the nursery are telling her?

Some do. I mentioned before that a 5yo asked my DD why he was wearing girls socks when he was just wearing white socks. That kind of thing can devastate a sensitive child. And yep, I know but that is not our situation.

Totally fine for a little boy, already upset as separated from his mum some of the time, to be uncomfortable and hot? Would you really be completely fine with it if that was your child?

Yes, we are in the UK.

He's beyond that stage and uncomfortable in them besides. Everytime I read someone saying they put their DC in tights under trousers it makes me feel itchy!!

OK so I only read the first thread not 24 pages about tights.

So with that in mind:

Based on info in original post I don't think tights in February on a boy is a problem

Based on fact that child is too hot abd doesn't want to wear them then I would have a problem with that of course

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Yes, it must have been very bewildering for a young child. It was felt best to protect the child from the truth in those days but is not necessarily the best approach.

Thank you for your kind words - they mean a lot.

I said he was too hot in my OP. You can just read the OPs posts, you don't have to read the whole thread. And I find that rather condescending '24 pages about tights...' it may be something to be flippant about for you but as has been discussed, a mother with cancer and separated from her DC will of course be extremely concerned about his welfare.

So you'd be fine with your DC being uncomfortable and miserable?

If I was looking after someone elses child ie put tights on them in february and if they didn't like what I'd done I'd expect t to be told not slated online.

And if I was looking after them again and I thought they'd be cold I'd put tights on again and expect the person with the problem to remove them but in my care I'd keep the kid warm.

K thanks bye

You need help babe

Really

Please point out where I have 'kicked off'!! 😂

It is a big deal if he's too hot as stated in the OP. And how is what a 2 yo can say relevant?

And as said we do take them off and have asked her to stop multiple times as has the SW! Perhaps it is you who needs to READ PROPERLY..

Wow so you'd continue to put them in tights despite being told how uncomfortable they were making the DC. Beginning to think you are the FC...

Slated online 😂

Ha! Are you drunk?

I think someone didn’t like being picked up on her attitude.

No, they didn't! And I think as you said earlier some just double down - and this was that in spectacular fashion!

Oh god I didn't see that, thought I'd read everything. No offence meant at all, can't imagine how hard this situation must be....I just put myself in the situation and thought if my child was being cared for by someone else and it was out of my control I'd also be picking at everything- must be very difficult x

You need to be better the child's mother has cancer and she sees her son in distress because he is hot and he doesn't like wearing tights. The only time this month I have worn my coat was when it was raining. The SW and the child's mother had told her to stop but like many people in this world she's hard of hearing and want to do her own thing.

Dear Nephew has made it clear in his own way, that he is too hot for tights as well as the trousers.

Nursery seems to also recognise that, else the wouldn't be removing the tights whilst he was in their care.

The fact that he's a boy is irrelevant, only his feelings of discomfort are.

If it was a matter of him feeling distress over wearing clothing that was causing comment, that should be addressed too.

I could cry for this little kid... if I was told I HAD to wear clothing that made me feel hot, and I could not communicate that to whoever was dressing me, I would consider that to be abusing my feelings, even if my carer acted with best intentions.

The FC in the op HAS been asked to refrain from dressing the child in the tights.

The FC should've complied with the child's mothers request.

My goodness, for mum to be so ill that she knows that she could die, and that her dear child is not being listened to, nor the child's advocating aunt, must surely be making her feel so impotent in her child's future care.

OP, I no little about how the FC/SW system operates, but there has to be a way to educate the FC to work WITH the mother and possibly you too as his advocating aunt.
Also from your post, it's not only the tights issue that is upsetting his mum.

The pp that seem to believe that the mum should be grateful that an FC is available, therefore shouldn't moan, suck.

There are plenty of pp that raise the roof if their mil go against their wishes with the grandkids.....

OP, be as strong as you can be, both the uncomfortable child and the child's mother need you to be that lion.
I know you have your own issues, and I really feel for you... must be more than difficult and distressing.

I wish all of you the best possible outcome.

Personally, I'd like to dress the FC up in as many layers as possible, and tie her hands up, then turn the heating up to t-shirt level.
Tell her it's because I'm concerned for her, as I feel too cold....

Gee, when I have a hot menopause flash, I can't wait to rip my layers off.
I'd literally go mad if I couldn't get them off.

Big hugs x

There are plenty of pp that raise the roof if their mil go against their wishes with the grandkids.....

I thought that- if you replaced FC with MIL you would get very different responses.

Every decent parent cares that their children are happy and comfortable. They choose a nanny/nursery/school they think will be good for them, and they complain if something goes wrong. They advocate for their child. If they have a babysitter for the night they expect them to care for the child in a way they as the parents are happy with…

but if you have had the terrible misfortune to not have extensive family support and get cancer, you should apparently shut up and be grateful that the foster system is there at all. The fact it’s a million times harder, and the stakes are a million times higher for your child is irrelevant- you should put up and shut up.

Utterly batshit.