To think she shouldn't put him in tights?

[TotoroElla]

Just trying to understand and find a way forward.

A family member's little boy is in foster care currently. He is 4 yo. The FC keeps putting him in tights. His mum is getting upset with it and doesn't understand why she keeps doing it. She has asked for her to stop and the SW has asked her to stop too. Mum doesn't feel it is very dignified for him to be at nursery wearing what is culturally a girls' clothes item. He was getting so hot in them the other day as of course he has trousers over them.

Can anyone shed any light as to why she is doing this or what his mum can do about it?

Please read the thread!

He doesn't lose his socks - he wears shoes over them - he's 4 not a baby.

He gets hot - red and blotchy and irritable. He is ND so quite possibly struggling with sensory overload from them. Not sensible and practical for him.

Please, please read all of the OP's posts. Her sister has cancer. She can't take the little one because she has two SEN children of her own.

It could be a sensory thing and may provide a compression feeling which some like. I agree with PP if social worker has requested not dressing in tights I'd expect that to be respected but why is the mother focusing on criticising the foster carer instead of making the changes needed. Seems odd and sad too. Hope things improve soon.

There’s some people on this thread who have strong opinions but clearly no idea of this child’s legal right to dignity. His dignity is not just about what he’s wearing or dressing in ‘girls’ clothes, it’s about feeling comfortable, safe and secure. He can’t vocalise this but his rights are no less relevant. I’ve seen amazing foster carers in my job, going above and beyond, but sadly in any job, that’s not always the case. Let’s be clear, the carers are paid to deliver a service on behalf of the LA. Yes it must be challenging at times and all respect to carers for that. But there’s a duty there and it can’t be ignored.
if it helps, article 23 rights of the child is relevant here.
https://www.unicef.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/UNCRC_summary-1_1.pdf

Utter patronising rubbish.

The mother hasn’t lost her child or her rights- she has had the misfortune to get cancer, and a FC has been employed to fill in for her until she is well.

This in no way affects her ability to know what is appropriate clothing for her child, and no FC has carte blanche to ignore what SW has told her.

If she genuinely thinks that this child should wear tights under his trousers (despite being in a central heated building all day, not wanting to wear them, and them making him hot, uncomfortable, blotchy, itchy and irritable) then she needs to set out her case to the IRO for why she is right and the mother, SW and nursery are wrong.

Also- advocating for a child who isn’t having their needs met is NOT ‘complaining’.

I mean, it's a worry yes. But when I really think about it - no, I think she looks after him well, in general. It's a bit draining how difficult she can be, though. A lot is let go! Not things that are harmful to him, if course That's why I won't let this go as it is harmful to him. And believe me, I bite my tongue a lot for the sake of our relationship. And I think honestly, this may be why this is dragging on because we've not wanted to be too direct. But I think we need to ask her directly why she is doing this.

THE MOTHER HAS CANCER- she is having chemotherapy to “make the changes needed”.

The kid doesn’t want or need tights.

Ffs read the thread before sprouting utter bollocks.

I look after my grandson every Monday. He is 2 next month. He goes through phases in the day where he will want bare feet. I have an old house with some rooms carpeted and some tiled. If he's riding his car up and down the hall/ conservatory his feet get cold because those floors are tiled so he asks for the socks to be put back on. If we are out he will have shoes on so he will have socks on. Surely a small child needs to experience these things as they grow. I am wearing woolly tights with a skirt today. My house is old and never hot but I would be very uncomfortable with long trousers on top as well as tights. I am certain nursery is a lot warmer than my house today.

I do take your point and yes, things can get magnified. But those are things like him not wearing matching clothes and mum has bit her tongue on this. But this is about the little boy's comfort so should be dealt with.

Thank you, that's kind. And thank you for sticking up for me - much appreciated!

There seems to be many posters on this thread who are too lazy to read, too ignorant to understand and too nasty to empathise.

BeeDavis · Today 07:34

"I used to put tights on my little boy as he could never keep his bloody socks on 🤣 don’t see an issue!"

But it is an issue for this little boy.

I've expressed my gratitude more than once. However, I'm not happy that the little boy could be uncomfortable and distressed in her care. It would benefit her to listen to mum's advice. She does struggle with him which we thought was because of it been a new and distressing situation. But I think I'd she listens to mum then things may be easier for her.

Thank you - this is expressed so well.

I get what you're saying but he is still ops sisters child she is the main parent not this woman. I do question these so called professionals when they can't follow basic instructions. I have heard of worse things to happen in FC homes. This situation is relatively minor compared to the abuse I have heard. This woman does not have parental responsibility she is being paid to do a job to look after the child while the mother is having treatment. If the child doesn't like wearing tights and the nursery removes them as soon as she drops him off then clearly he doesn't like wearing them. The FC has good intentions but she likes to be in control.

And why don't you read my posts?

JaneAustensHeroine · Today 11:56

"Pick your battles.

He is safe and well cared for."

And he would be even more well cared for if she didn't put tights underneath his trousers and cause him discomfort.

Turn him gay? 😂 What made you think tights would turn a boy gay?

This is a little boy who is a family member and that I look after so yes, I'm concerned for him to be comfortable.

As a fostering social worker, I'm deeply aware of that, I was trying to establish with the OP if there was any alternative care options if the foster carer continues to add further stress to the mother going through a very difficult time.

Yes, it is not common here for girls to wear tights under trousers. They wear them with skirts, dresses, shorts, as you say. I've not really talked to her much so she may have a background from Eastern Europe, perhaps.

As I've explained we do not micromanage, we bite out tongues. The FC does however try to micromanage - sends lists of instructions in the contact book.

This is an issue of the DC's welfare. He should not be left suffering through fear of micromanaging.

I think this thread would have gone rather differently if the first post had only talked about comfort, not the bollocks about gendered clothing, had mentioned his additional needs, and had explained that the background was not neglect but rather severe illness in the child's mother. But so many people haven't read the OP's updates. Of course tights can be fine on a boy. Of course he deserves to be comfortable. Of course extra attention has to be paid to that in a child who can't verbalise. And of course a mum too ill to care full time for her own child can still care for his comfort.

JFC take a break. How would you know what the child needs?!!!!!

I wouldn’t,

except I’ve read the op’s posts where she has clearly stated he doesn’t want to wear them, they make him hot, uncomfortable, blotchy and itchy, and irritable. The nursery, his SW, and his mother all agree he doesn’t need them.

That’s how reading comprehension works- read the information on offer and then you will know things!

I haven't been able to read the whole thread so sorry if this had already been covered.

I am a FC, my best advice to you would be to send an email so you have a paper trail to the CSW asking why the FC seems to insist on the child being in tights and your concerns. If you deem the response to be unacceptable then ask the CSW to explain to the foster child the BM wishes for the tights to not be used anymore -again in writing. If this doesn't stop, email the CSW manager and explain everything thats happened. If you get no further then the next stop would be to contact the IRO. Just make sure you have a paper trail. Everybody working/ part of social services needs a paper trail to back yourselves up. Or you may even get an answer you understand but I think not knowing why she's doing this is what's causing an issue.

Unless there is a really valid reason they are putting tights on under his trousers, the FC should be taking mums wishes into account. It helps build a good relationship between BM and FC, which is only a good thing for the child.

To me it seems a bit strange if he's not cold and uses vests that keep his nappy up anyway that he would be wearing tights. Personally I don't think it's undignified, just unnecessary from the comments you've made as he seems too hot. It's not a difficult thing to change, even if the offer is just of a compromise to not put him in them on contact days.

Good luck