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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she shouldn't put him in tights?

635 replies

TotoroElla · 23/02/2024 23:01

Just trying to understand and find a way forward.

A family member's little boy is in foster care currently. He is 4 yo. The FC keeps putting him in tights. His mum is getting upset with it and doesn't understand why she keeps doing it. She has asked for her to stop and the SW has asked her to stop too. Mum doesn't feel it is very dignified for him to be at nursery wearing what is culturally a girls' clothes item. He was getting so hot in them the other day as of course he has trousers over them.

Can anyone shed any light as to why she is doing this or what his mum can do about it?

OP posts:
Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 17:33

SillySeal · 24/02/2024 15:19

I haven't been able to read the whole thread so sorry if this had already been covered.

I am a FC, my best advice to you would be to send an email so you have a paper trail to the CSW asking why the FC seems to insist on the child being in tights and your concerns. If you deem the response to be unacceptable then ask the CSW to explain to the foster child the BM wishes for the tights to not be used anymore -again in writing. If this doesn't stop, email the CSW manager and explain everything thats happened. If you get no further then the next stop would be to contact the IRO. Just make sure you have a paper trail. Everybody working/ part of social services needs a paper trail to back yourselves up. Or you may even get an answer you understand but I think not knowing why she's doing this is what's causing an issue.

Unless there is a really valid reason they are putting tights on under his trousers, the FC should be taking mums wishes into account. It helps build a good relationship between BM and FC, which is only a good thing for the child.

To me it seems a bit strange if he's not cold and uses vests that keep his nappy up anyway that he would be wearing tights. Personally I don't think it's undignified, just unnecessary from the comments you've made as he seems too hot. It's not a difficult thing to change, even if the offer is just of a compromise to not put him in them on contact days.

Good luck

Thank you for setting that out - very helpful.

I have thought that myself, why doesn't she at least put him in socks on the days he sees mum. But now after this thread I feel that they would be uncomfortable on him no matter the temperature/activity etc. and he needs to not be wearing them atall.

OP posts:
Marchingforwards · 24/02/2024 17:33

Your sister has every right to choose what her child will wear. I’m wondering has she sent all her son’s clothes with him? Maybe this would work. Say to the carer these are his clothes and this is how I like him to dress. This is what is comfortable for him.

As I said above- I’m a foster carer and I’d fully adhere to this. I’d probably just ask does the parent mind if there’s an accident when out and the pants need to be changed or dry clothes quickly provided, but other than that the child would be able to wear his own clothes and shoes if they were brought with the child.

op you’ve probably tried everything already but on Monday say very clearly - we do not want x to wear tights. He doesn’t like the feel of them. This is important to all of us as we have his needs and wants as the highest priority hence him being looked after right now. Please respect our wishes and decisions in this matter.
then say something like- thanks so much for taking care of him. I can tell he is settled because of the way he is when we see him at xyz. This makes us so relieved during this really difficult time.

you’re really not asking too much and I really am honoured when I can help the whole family and not only the child. It’s a job of service and all trust is placed with a carer. She should be working with you.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 17:35

PTSDBarbiegirl · 24/02/2024 15:36

Perhaps you are not able to ascertain that I answered the OP, in that message asking for suggestions cancer treatment was not mentioned. Feel free to continue the reactionary condescension elsewhere, thanks.

Show quote history

That's why people read the updates before posting.

OP posts:
Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 17:36

Wetblanket78 · 24/02/2024 15:52

My ex used to wear them under work trousers if working outside. It's to keep them warmer over winter. Is the child happy to be wearing them? I could understand if their going to the park or going to be outdoors all day over winter. She might be doing it to reduce her heating costs as well.

No, he's not happy wearing them.

OP posts:
Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 17:38

DeedlessIndeed · 24/02/2024 16:27

So many deliberately goady shit-stirrers on this thread.

OP, you're advocating on behalf of your sister and are doing it in your nephew's best interest. It must really be a comfort for her to know she has you for support.

Hang in there and I hope it all goes well.

Thank you so much

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 24/02/2024 17:39

Yes, it’s at the point where people are reading the clear updates and are still insisting on alternative facts to suit themselves.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 17:42

Jellycatspyjamas · 24/02/2024 17:06

I really don't understand how someone who has cancer can have the headspace to think about non-matching clothes.

Sometimes you try to control the only things you have control over, and you try to keep a sense of normal in very abnormal circumstances. You don’t stop being a mum even with a cancer diagnosis and even when your child can’t live with you. I can completely understand why a mum might feel upset or anxious that her child wasn’t being dressed in a way she would want while she was unable to care for him.

Yes, exactly that. I actually had a serious illness myself some years ago. I was very ill in hospital but I still organised all my DC's Christmas presents, visit to Santa etc.

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 24/02/2024 17:51

Tatonka · 24/02/2024 10:06

Perhaps the family needs to step up and look after the child if there are other issues as well. I've just seen the comments re the tights

Show quote history

Read the OP's comments, then.

The child's mother has cancer. The OP has two children with SEN. You can't just magic additional family members out of thin air.

SmokedPaprikaPuffs · 24/02/2024 17:57

Not much more you can do than to bring it up with the nursery staff and social worker. The reason should be for his comfort, I wouldn't bring his gender into it just keep stating you believe he is uncomfortable in tights.

WearyAuldWumman · 24/02/2024 17:58

Theresstilltonighttocome · 24/02/2024 10:14

Read the thread ffs.

I presume you are lucky enough to be surrounded by friends and family with plenty of money and space and time? So if you get cancer you can just ring up aunty Ann two doors down and everything will be hunky dory?

There are lots of single mums in the country who couldn’t magic up a family member or friend to take in a disabled 4 year old full time, on an on going basis.

Im sure the mother wishes the boy was with granny- but there isn’t one. I’m sure the op would prefer the child was with her- but he can’t be because she has 2 disabled children already.

Show quote history

This. Thank you for saying this.

When my mother was hospitalised, my maternal gran couldn't take me in because she was already in hospital. My dad was a coalminer on shift work, so could only look after me at weekends. My dad's family was abroad.

I was fortunate - an aunt and maternal uncle living in the same town took care of me during the week. At weekends when Dad took the bus to the next town to visit Mum, a neighbour watched me. Not everyone has that kind of support system.

WearyAuldWumman · 24/02/2024 18:03

TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 10:33

I've already explained that. There is no other family member. I have 2 SEN DC and no space for the little boy. I would have him if I could. But I figure I'm best placed to support like this rather than having a breakdown then all 3 would be in FC. I know people keep saying sister, but she's not my sister not that it matters, if I could have him I would 😢

And not only does he have to live with a stranger, his mum can't even ensure he is comfortable or happy because of how 'selfless' the FC is 😢

Show quote history

Apologies. I referred to the mum as your sister in my previous comments. Thank you for supporting her.

WearyAuldWumman · 24/02/2024 18:06

Saltandpeppero · 24/02/2024 10:43

don’t go after a selfless person who fosters other peoples children because of an item of clothing she puts them in.

I wouldn’t assume someone is a good or selfless person because they are foster carers. In my experience there were some outstanding foster carers who made me tear up when I saw how amazing they were and what an Impact they made on the children, but there were also some who clearly done it purely for the money.

I also grew up with a girl who has recently received a significant amount of compensation for the abuse she suffered in two of her foster care placements.

Again to be clear there are great foster carers also but I can’t assume they’re all selfish lovely humans who put the children’s needs first.

Agreed.

I've been in secondary teaching for 40 yrs. I've seen some amazingly wonderful foster carers. I've also seen some who treated fostering as just another source of income.

PeridotSparkle · 24/02/2024 18:08

NuffSaidSam · 23/02/2024 23:25

It must be because she thinks he's cold. No other reason for it. She's not putting them on him for a laugh is she.

I've often put tights on boys when it's been cold. It's completely normal.

Most people don't put boys in tights.

Rosesanddaisies1 · 24/02/2024 18:12

If a child is too warm, they should say something and it be addressed, or nursery staff seal with it. tights seems sensible in cold weather, not wearing them because they are culturally associated with the female sex is ridiculous.

HarrietPierce · 24/02/2024 18:14

It's not "completely normal" if it's causing discomfort to the child.

snoopyfanaccountant · 24/02/2024 18:15

Rosesanddaisies1 · 24/02/2024 18:12

If a child is too warm, they should say something and it be addressed, or nursery staff seal with it. tights seems sensible in cold weather, not wearing them because they are culturally associated with the female sex is ridiculous.

Edited

The child is non-verbal so can't say anything.

whatsitcalledwhen · 24/02/2024 18:22

@Lumiodes

If the child has been taken into foster care then tights are the least of his problems. If Mum wants to decide what he wears then maybe don’t get him taken off you?

She has cancer. Fucking hell.

Hopefully you're embarrassed by your post.

@lovelysoap

Children are only taken into foster care as a very last resort. There is a huge lack of foster care spaces and they only go to the children most at risk of immediate serious harm and when there are no other suitable family members who are even able to care for the child on a temporary basis. Things generally need to be rock bottom for a child to be in foster care and not even dad or any of dads extended family or friends can care for the child. Parental responsibility now lies with the local authority as Mum and dad and no friends or relatives can keep this child safe.

My advice would be to face up to and try and engage and work with the FC and SW on the real issues that prevent this child living and thriving with his birth family.

Jesus Christ.

She. Has. Cancer. That's the 'real issue'. She's done nothing to deserve this.

An apology to the OP wouldn't go amiss due to how awful your post was.

I'm staggered at the number of people who think children only go into foster care because they have rubbish parents.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 18:25

Marchingforwards · 24/02/2024 17:33

Your sister has every right to choose what her child will wear. I’m wondering has she sent all her son’s clothes with him? Maybe this would work. Say to the carer these are his clothes and this is how I like him to dress. This is what is comfortable for him.

As I said above- I’m a foster carer and I’d fully adhere to this. I’d probably just ask does the parent mind if there’s an accident when out and the pants need to be changed or dry clothes quickly provided, but other than that the child would be able to wear his own clothes and shoes if they were brought with the child.

op you’ve probably tried everything already but on Monday say very clearly - we do not want x to wear tights. He doesn’t like the feel of them. This is important to all of us as we have his needs and wants as the highest priority hence him being looked after right now. Please respect our wishes and decisions in this matter.
then say something like- thanks so much for taking care of him. I can tell he is settled because of the way he is when we see him at xyz. This makes us so relieved during this really difficult time.

you’re really not asking too much and I really am honoured when I can help the whole family and not only the child. It’s a job of service and all trust is placed with a carer. She should be working with you.

She has sent about 3/4 with him and kept some at home and I have a few at mine for accidents etc.

I always write in his book, thank you for your care of him as we are very grateful. She is hard work, though. We end up trying to laugh about it! She doesn't like it if he naps in the day...but sometimes he needs a nap! We have a little giggle that she won't be happy!

You sound really lovely and I'm sure your hard work means a lot to the families you support.

OP posts:
NoKnit · 24/02/2024 18:26

4 year olds don't notice what others are wearing so it's rubbish that other kids at school or nursery are laughing at him.

Loads of boys wear tights in countries across Europe there even have ones with cars, rockets, dinos etc on.

Totally fine if you ask me

NoKnit · 24/02/2024 18:28

PeridotSparkle · 24/02/2024 18:08

Most people don't put boys in tights.

Show quote history

Most people in the UK don't put boys in tights perhaps

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 18:29

WearyAuldWumman · 24/02/2024 17:58

This. Thank you for saying this.

When my mother was hospitalised, my maternal gran couldn't take me in because she was already in hospital. My dad was a coalminer on shift work, so could only look after me at weekends. My dad's family was abroad.

I was fortunate - an aunt and maternal uncle living in the same town took care of me during the week. At weekends when Dad took the bus to the next town to visit Mum, a neighbour watched me. Not everyone has that kind of support system.

Show quote history

That must have been difficult for you never the less.

OP posts:
Carpediemmakeitcount · 24/02/2024 18:31

NoKnit · 24/02/2024 18:26

4 year olds don't notice what others are wearing so it's rubbish that other kids at school or nursery are laughing at him.

Loads of boys wear tights in countries across Europe there even have ones with cars, rockets, dinos etc on.

Totally fine if you ask me

Put your children in tights and leave everyone else to decide thank you.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 18:32

WearyAuldWumman · 24/02/2024 18:03

Apologies. I referred to the mum as your sister in my previous comments. Thank you for supporting her.

Show quote history

It's fine, we are close. I just don't want to reveal everything for confidentiality. Although it's probably a quite unique situation so don't know why I don't!

OP posts:
LadyMonicaBaddingham · 24/02/2024 18:33

I used to put my boys in tights under their trousers when they were at the sock pulling-off stage

Carpediemmakeitcount · 24/02/2024 18:33

NoKnit · 24/02/2024 18:28

Most people in the UK don't put boys in tights perhaps

Show quote history

He doesn't like wearing them the nursery takes them off when he gets there and puts them back on before pick up time. Did you only read ops first post and then comment? There is 23 pages and you can press on see all to read only the ops posts.