Visits after having a baby

[KlaudH]

Hi all! I’m new here, but I read some threads on Mumsnet over the last number of months. I just want some advice as I’m 34 weeks pregnant tomorrow with my first baby and I’m thinking about visitors post birth. I said it to my husband probably around 2 months ago that I’d like 5-7 days with no visitors after birth. I could tell he didn’t really understand it, but he agreed. I also said it to my mum in law at my baby shower earlier this month that we would like a few days after the birth just for the three of us. She looked a little taken aback, but agreed.
This week, however, I heard that my MIL was really upset that she might not be able to see her grandson for around a week after he’s born and asked my husband if she can see him the day after he’s born or even the second or third day for half an hour as she wants to see the baby soon after he’s born, because newborns change a lot in the first few days and when she gave birth to her children her mum saw her babies nearly straightaway. My husband would be willing for her and his dad and brother to come as soon as possible after birth, but I don’t feel comfortable with that. I will be having a home birth and I’ve never given birth before so I don’t know what it’s going to be like and how I’m going to be feeling afterwards. I don’t want to have any visits looming over me right after I give birth (also, it’s going to be in my home). I would like to have a few days to bond with my baby and husband and recover a bit after birth without feeling a need to be physically or emotionally ready/presentable to have guests, (and I don’t know if they would actually stay for half an hour)…
I think it’s worth mentioning as well that I spoke to my mum about this and although she would love to see the baby as soon as possible she respects that I don’t want visitors for a few days. I actually ended up reducing the time to 3 days, but I hope to keep it that way. My husband is going to talk to his mum and hopefully she will be fine with the 3 days as I don’t want our relationship to be strained (I have been getting along well with her so far) as I can tell she’s annoyed with me.. She knows it’s me who wants the few days and not my husband.. I can already see that when the baby’s arrival is close the mother’s comfort and preferences go out the window.. Thank you for reading, sorry it’s so long! AIBU?

I don't get comments like this.

Most grandparents I know are gagging to babysit their grandchildren, they don't see it as some sort of big favour - it's something they really want.

My MIL babysits her great niece. My mum is still fuming that my aunt helped my sister bathe my nephew before she did on the evening before my wedding.

Only on MN do I see any sort of "do what I say or I won't babysit" type bullshit.

I think YABU to not allow a short visit from your MIL, or your own parents. It seems a bit OTT that you’re laying down the law at this stage. If you’re really struggling after the birth, at that point just say to wait a bit for visit.

“I will be having a home birth”. Off topic but you don’t know you will be having anything. It’s your first. Prepare for the worst. And do some research on ambulance waiting times in your area..

Who gets a kick of saying shit like this to someone who is about to have their first baby. Why scare people, God, people like you make me so angry! "Prepare for the worst"! Stupid mentioning ambulances. She might not even need an ambulance...many people get themselves to hospital nowadays. No wonder ambulances are so busy and people are absolutely terrified of Childbirth with people like you around. If this lady has planned a nice calm homebirth then she should be encouraged to do so, if it goes wrong then there will be a back up plan but just imagine if it did actually go to plan as many home births do and she has a lovely experience and gets to be in her own bed after. Just grow up!

I’m a proud princess it doesn’t bother or upset me to have people throw sexist labels at me because my husband prioritises me and puts his family that he chose to create with me first. If my husband is brainwashed because he doesn’t care if people are upset they have to wait to meet our baby until I feel ready to receive visitors then so be it.

I've seen it with my own eyes when I worked for soc services and I thought WTF - I was young and niaivie at the time and now I get it

Its NOT "all about myself" I'm just sharing my views with my experiences that may help or not others here. Why are you so upset by my post?

But if you work for social services, you're bound to see more parents who are struggling/neglectful, therefore see better bonds with grandparents.

True but possibly I was not clear, We've experience this as per my initial post here and they were not struggling, DiL felt they could manage and felt wrongly that it was no visitors inc immediate family. However, DiL is good now but then, younger and TBH a bit selfish, I knew if her parents were in the UK, she would have allowed them but our son would have insisted

TBH, when I was younger, I was selfish and looking back I've made many mistakes and I wish I had not - the mistake I refer to how I dealt with my, our parents - I was young as married at 19 and youngest child in the family and silly at times

Most grandparents are only too aware about the stress etc of having a baby and would not put a burnden/pressure on their children and or children in law but there to help and most new arrival families can do with help. However, it is OP'schocie and we are all different

I think it's sad in many ways
The idea that once you marry your family shrinks to the two of you and you no longer love or need your parents for the support they gave you ...until you need the childcare of course.
That parents and in-laws are seen as grandchild grabbers with no concern for the parents.
That giving birth is so traumatic we must resort to hiding away until our masks of being beautifully turned out and organized can be reinstated like some Victorian wife.
When did women's rights push us back into the old ways of staying hidden unless perfect or being so weak we would be unable to cope?
And how the hell are we going to be coping with second or third children if the first is so awful?
Many women are out and about with their seconds days after giving birth and not because they have no partner pulling their weight.

Having visitors in the first week was the exact reason why we struggled so much with breastfeeding and my ds dropped lots of weight and then struggled to get up over birth weight again. We were told by the midwives no more visitors until feeding was better established.

I'm curious why you feel my inlaws needs to see my baby every day were more important than my baby's right to feed and be healthy?

Because the impact of lots of visitors (especially those who don't stick to the agreed visiting times or who just turn up) is that women recover slower and babies can struggle to thrive. It's completely individual and op shouldn't be pressured by anyone to have visitors before SHE decides she's ready.

That giving birth is so traumatic we must resort to hiding away until our masks of being beautifully turned out and organized can be reinstated like some Victorian wife.

Maybe now we just recognise how traumatic birth can be. How much damage it can do to someone's body, and how it can be life and death. We recognise and respect women's right to have time to recover rather than act like she hasn't done something deeply difficult that she should just bounce back from.

When did women's rights push us back into the old ways of staying hidden unless perfect or being so weak we would be unable to cope?

It's not staying hidden unless perfect, but actually taking time for yourself and not putting everyone's else's wants before yours and your babies needs.

And how the hell are we going to be coping with second or third children if the first is so awful?
Many women are out and about with their seconds days after giving birth and not because they have no partner pulling their weight.

If they want to be out and about good for them. It shouldn't be expected of people. Your body has done something incredibly tiring. All your organs are moving back to where they were, your hormones are all over the place, you're just starting to produce milk. If you feel you need more time to adjust ESPECIALLY being a first time mum, take it.

It's not weak to recognise you need time and space to feel comfortable, and I think it's much braver to do what's best for you and your baby than bowing down to other family members beliefs of what's important. After the first few months most people aren't interested anyways and it's you and often your partner who needs to feel comfortable with the baby, feeding, routine. Not grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends.

You hope to have a homebirth.

Please don’t assume because you’re planning one it happens. Different for second babies onward, but first babies are notorious for transfer in. You might be glad of the support after birth as well. How about say you’re planning for a few days by yourself but you’ll see how you go? Honestly, I couldn’t have done without my MIL. She was an absolute treasure and still is.

it's completely up to you when you want to have visitors and feel 'ready' but you may feel differently afterwards so i'd just keep an open mind. I would have a chat with MIL and say as you have quite a good relationship (and a mother) she'll understand that you think its very important for the first few days to be just you and DH but will get her round to meet baby asap after you have had a chance to process it all. I do understand her wanting to see the baby before 7 days but tbh if she's going to be upset then let her, it's you thats just given birth etc........... maybe appease her by pencilling a day 3 (birthday being day 0) short visit at a given time but say also that if things aren't going well that you may want to reschedule

I’m in the you are being a bit selfish camp. This baby is also their grandchild and they’ll be desperate to meet them. They don’t need to stay for hours. My parents turned up at the hospital within the hour of me having our DC - it was lovely to see them have those first cuddles. Family is so important.

Try not to over plan - I noticed you said ‘I’m having a home birth’. One of the biggest changes I found after having babies was having to kinda relax my expectations because babies don’t run to schedule. So for your own sanity I would try to possibly get into the mindset of saying ‘we’re hoping for a home birth but the safety of mum and baby is most important’. My mum came to see my first within a few hours of her being born (in laws a few hours after that) and I think I really needed to see her, it’s a big thing and sometimes only mum will do! With my second and third it was a few days later by the time we got home and settled but my advice to you (if everyone is local) is to say ‘well let you know when you can come round, one day at a time and all that but feel free to bring something nice and easy for us to heat up for tea that night’.

My Mum and Dad were there at the birth of my first child, and the in-laws visited a day or so after, she was 6 weeks premature and spent the first 2 weeks in hospital so both sets of grandparents (not to mention aunts, uncles, great-grandparents and even a great-aunt) visited with us. Second child, my parents were looking after DD so they visited a day after and we took both children to see the in-laws. Once we were home, my parents helped out the first couple of days and also stayed in close contact especially once my partner was back at work. In-laws were always more sporadic visitors and popped in now and again or for special occasions.

Don’t pin on it that you need “time” after birth. I had a house full of people and loved it!!! (Within hours of getting home from hospital and every day after that for at least a few weeks) Some through the day, some of an evening.
after number 2 I was in hosp for a few days, I had visitors every day and night, they all left us be the first night home and then from there visited like they did with the first.
honestly until you’ve given birth you’ll not know how you’ll feel and a new baby can be very very lonely. Your parents & your OH parents will love nothing more than a text to say come visit so if you feel up to it I’d do it sooner aftet birth that anticipated :)

I wouldn't even put a time frame on it. Just see how you feel at the time.
I was in labour for 41 hours and then had an horrendous birth with lots of complications.
When I got home I was still in agony and losing a considerable amount of blood. I had to sit on towels and I could hardly walk. Every time I needed to pee I had to get in the shower and run the water over my bits as I peed.
I still ended up with a bad infection.
That on top of no sleep meant visitors were the last thing I wanted.
It wasn't about stopping people seeing my baby or letting the 3 of us bond as a family first.
I just needed time to rest and heal a bit.
My husband was having to do everything for both me and the baby because I was in so much pain and could hardly move.
However, after a few days it was a relief to have my dad come over to see us both to give my husband a bit of a break. I was feeling guilty that he was having to do so much when we were both still learning to be parents.
Just tell people it will depend on how labour and delivery goes and how you feel afterwards and you will let them know when you are up for visitors. Don't put a number of days on it.

Day 3 is perfectly fine, 5-7 bit OTT, you may just be glad of a little help by day 3 too 😂

When I had my eldest I was severely anaemic and the thought of visitors was the last thing on my mind. When my MIL decided to keep coming round unexpectedly I found it really hard, as I was trying to establish breastfeeding at the time too. I remember at one point she came round so I took myself and the baby off upstairs where we could have peace until she left. I think as important as it is for grandparents to see their new grand children it's 100x more important to make sure you're comfortable and happy, and they need to respect that.

I wouldn't focus on setting the number of days you need at this stage.

What's important is that, when the baby is born people respect your wishes and hold off on visiting until you feel ready for them. It doesn't matter if that's on day two or day ten.

I sense that you aren't confident that you will be respected.

You won't know when you'll be ready for visitors because you can't predict now how you will feel after the birth. You may be keen to show the baby off straight away and you may want a week of recovery.

All you need to establish now it that nobody will turn up knowing that you don't want them to.

I still remember the in laws (both now very sadly departed) coming to visit in the hospital the day after the birth, is very touching looking back at the photos of that time and will always be incredibly grateful for the interest and love they showed their grandchildren. If a visit wasn’t convenient or I was getting tired I would just say so, it was never an issue. Exclusively breastfed all my children so never found that an issue either, it was just ‘I’m off to feed baby’ or when confident with the latching etc would just feed baby there and then

Dont worry you are in control.
Get family to agree to just 1 or 2 visitors per day. One hour Max.
It seems to be the trend now to wait a few days to visit newborn.
Some Maternity Hospitals are very strict. ..having certain visiting hour . 1-2 pm and only husband in the evening : 6-8pm.

Always thankful I don't know anybody like this in real life.

When you give birth to a child they're not your private property, they are born into a FAMILY.

If they're fortunate they will be a niece/nephew, grandchild etc.

And people wonder why their MIL's struggle to get on with them......

So long as your family is loving and basically considerate (not coming unnanounced) what actually is the problem?

I had a hone birth and invited my MIL round within a couokee of hours because I knew she was excited and wanted to meet HER grandchild.

Obviously goes without saying if mum has a really rough time she may need longer but to actually plan upto a week - and in advance - is quite frankly incredibly selfish.

No doubt later on you'll expect some help when your DH is at work....

Not necessarily, I have a friend that wouldn't allow visitors for a couple weeks then demanded couldn't visit more than once a month etc. Then bitched that the MIL was looking after her DHs brothers kids for free when her SIL went back to work, took them overnight so they could go out etc but wouldn't do the same for her.

BIL had let them meet their kids sooner and hadn't put in the odd arbitrary rules about once a month. In fact his wife invited them round weekly on a weekday afternoon to spend time with them (and would often use later to go for hair appointment, shopping etc). That became one of the two days her PIL offered to watch the kids when she went back to work.

They'd formed a much closer bond with those kids and quite frankly didn't want to deal with my friend being ridiculously precious and nitpicky like she was when they did see them in their alloted monthly slot. Was entirely her fault for deciding they were only worth seeing for a couple hours a month but then expected them to suddenly be free twice a week for whole days to look after the kids for free and follow all her very strict rules to make it 'even'.

Start as you mean to go on because you reap what you sow.