Visits after having a baby

[KlaudH]

Hi all! I’m new here, but I read some threads on Mumsnet over the last number of months. I just want some advice as I’m 34 weeks pregnant tomorrow with my first baby and I’m thinking about visitors post birth. I said it to my husband probably around 2 months ago that I’d like 5-7 days with no visitors after birth. I could tell he didn’t really understand it, but he agreed. I also said it to my mum in law at my baby shower earlier this month that we would like a few days after the birth just for the three of us. She looked a little taken aback, but agreed.
This week, however, I heard that my MIL was really upset that she might not be able to see her grandson for around a week after he’s born and asked my husband if she can see him the day after he’s born or even the second or third day for half an hour as she wants to see the baby soon after he’s born, because newborns change a lot in the first few days and when she gave birth to her children her mum saw her babies nearly straightaway. My husband would be willing for her and his dad and brother to come as soon as possible after birth, but I don’t feel comfortable with that. I will be having a home birth and I’ve never given birth before so I don’t know what it’s going to be like and how I’m going to be feeling afterwards. I don’t want to have any visits looming over me right after I give birth (also, it’s going to be in my home). I would like to have a few days to bond with my baby and husband and recover a bit after birth without feeling a need to be physically or emotionally ready/presentable to have guests, (and I don’t know if they would actually stay for half an hour)…
I think it’s worth mentioning as well that I spoke to my mum about this and although she would love to see the baby as soon as possible she respects that I don’t want visitors for a few days. I actually ended up reducing the time to 3 days, but I hope to keep it that way. My husband is going to talk to his mum and hopefully she will be fine with the 3 days as I don’t want our relationship to be strained (I have been getting along well with her so far) as I can tell she’s annoyed with me.. She knows it’s me who wants the few days and not my husband.. I can already see that when the baby’s arrival is close the mother’s comfort and preferences go out the window.. Thank you for reading, sorry it’s so long! AIBU?

I do think you're being unreasonable for immediate family not to visit for a week. You may feel completely fine and up for visitors within a day or two of being home. I know I was in all three of mine. Play it by ear.

This is AIBU and many posters think the OP is BU. Why ask if she is unwilling to hear the answer? There is a parenting section available.

I agree with @Lorelaigilmore88 although I must admit I am a recent first time grandmother rather than a first time mum.
Back in the day when I had my babies, we all thought it was helpful to have our mums and dads ( if we had them) and parents in law visiting when baby arrived.
The grandparents and aunts/uncles naturally want to come and admire the baby and celebrate the arrival of the new family member. Please try to remember this. Of course it’s important that new parents and baby do not get too tired and have chance to bond. But close family visits, within reason, should help with this rather than hinder it!!

It's completely your decision op.

FWIW i gave birth 6 days ago, I've had MIL and DM to visit which has been nice but not the rest of the family yet. Ive had baby blues and issues with my stitches so I am definitely not ready for more visitors just yet.

See how you go op.

I think most people here sound so unreasonable.

No one is entitled to see that baby until you are ready. That's up to you. Could be three days, three weeks or three months.

I had my parents and brother and sister visit in the hospital the day after my baby was born for 10 minutes and didn't want any longer. I then visited them 6 days later for an hour.

My in laws live quite far away and had booked trains and a hotel for when I was due to be induced. Baby came early so they had no choice but to wait to come down. They came when she was about 2 weeks old. Stayed in a hotel but came over every day for a few hours or we'd go for a little walk with coffee.

Having those first few days really helped. Especially as we were in hospital 24 hours, then the health visitor came at 3, 5 and 10 days. Plus I had additional appointments as baby had a tongue tie so needed support from the feeding team. Between that and no sleep and everything being brand new I didn't want people in my house - there was too much going on!

Plus if people were honest MIL and parents aren't missing out on anything. Baby doesn't care whether they come or not. Baby just wants to be close to you and to feed and sleep. Doesn't want strange smells and people who aren't their mummy/daddy. If they've got some pictures it's basically the same thing.

Don't be peer-pressured by the holier than thou Mums-netters who think they gave birth and hosted a 5 course meal 5 minutes later so everyone should. It's out of touch with reality.

I loved having visitors both times, they kept me sane. See how you feel, I wouldn’t put any rules in yet but just say you may not be up for visitors straight away which is totally fair. If however after baby is born you don’t want to see anyone for a month then that’s totally fine.

I don’t think anyone is suggesting new parents of a newborn should be hosting five course meals.
Many grandparents and in laws just wish to meet their grandchild, hug their daughter and/or son the new mum or dad etc and see that everyone is ok.
it needn’t take long, and shouldn’t put pressure on the new parents recovering from the birth.
Hopefully they might then visit again a couple/few weeks later at the new parents convenience and after they had had some recovery and bonding time with their new baby.

Giving birth is a magical but stressful time. As others have said there will be lots of checks in those first 10 days/more if you end up in hospital staying in. Be mindful, that you may end up transferring to hospital and have a contingency plan written into your birth plan (explain beforehand your wishes to hubby) as things can go out the window in labour.
Especially if you have to have any stitches or interventions/section (hopefully not!) You will want to get to grips with everything including breastfeeding if you choose to and meeting your new little person.
My advice don't overthink it, set boundaries, yes people can visit but keep it short (get hubby on this). Good luck with the birth 💐

I can already see that when the baby’s arrival is close the mother’s comfort and preferences go out the window

You sound like you're being a little precious if I'm honest.

When the baby comes you may have legitimate reason to keep everyone at arms length, but you also might be desperate for help or to show off the baby. Realistically you have no idea how you'll feel so I don't know why you've decided to make this a 'thing'.

You've told your in laws that no matter what happens all you know for sure is that you sure as hell don't want them there! No wonder they are upset. Your pre-emptive rejection is more hurtful than you seem to grasp. You could have just played it by ear and DH could then fob them off with messages like "my wife not feeling up to it after a rough birth but can't wait for you to come in a couple of days".

FWIW, I was a low risk pregnancy with no pain relief and a full term baby but we still ended up in NICU for 3 nights. I got no sleep in the postnatal ward due to being separated from my baby and by the end I was so exhausted I was hallucinating. I didn't think I would need anyone but I really, really, really did. You'll be doing yourself a favour if you keep your options open and are kind to your family in the run up to the birth.

It is not something I planned I just had visitors after the birth when it happened

I don't see a need to have a visitor timetable i am not a princess

Make it two weeks. With Nr 1 we allowed being steamrolled by visitors, which was just super exhausting. "Helping" meant holding the baby, whilst I fetched and carried. I remember screaming inside when some wellmeaning visitor stuck his finger in my newborns mouth to "calm her". I healed badly, got an infection... it was misery until I put my foot down (too late) that unannounced daily visits were having to stop.
We had learned the lesson with Nr 2. We emailed the fact that a child had been born fit and well, and then promptly went off grid, muted the doorbell and silenced all phones. For 2 weeks we had what I remember with utter bliss as our babymoon, just the four of us, cuddling, sleeping, getting to know each other. No infection, superfast healing, content calm children.... just do it. You earned it. MIL will have her time.

(There was grumbling after, but two figs were not given)

Absolutely this, and not no it’s not usually the reality that the mother’s comfort and preferences go out of the window, just as most of us didn’t feel the need to be such Prima donna’s, most of us who have actually had babies were quite touched by the interest, care and consideration shown by so many people towards us and our precious baby’s. Yes kindly set boundaries with people who might not have thought how tiring a long visit can be (probably completely unintentionally) and by all means ask if can postpone a visit if you’ve had a rough night etc, most people will be more than understanding

I think you are building it up to be a problem that doesn't exist. I'd not worry about it and plan to let them come when they want. Otherwise you will have it hanging over you. If you aren't up to it on the day then cancel but don't try guessing how you will be feeling. I think it's better to be more relaxed about it and see how things go. It doesn't need to be so scripted and rigid. It's impossible to know what you will be feeling like.

New babies are amazing so I understand why they want to see the baby as soon as possible.

I agree with this. I'm pregnant, due any day now, and we've told family that it could be 2-3 weeks before visits but that we'll need to play it by ear. I'm also planning a home birth but who knows what will end up happening on the day (and when that day will be) and how I'll be afterwards mentally, physically, emotionally. It's also my first baby and everyone I've asked has recommended holding off immediate visitors so that you and your partner have time to adjust and bond with the baby.

My situation might be a bit different to most because both sides of the family live far away or abroad, it's not a matter of popping round for tea, any visits would mean they'd be here for at least a few days or a week. I know that would be too much for me. Also they're not the types to help out with chores or bring food etc, it would be more me entertaining them. I think as women we're expected to always be appeasing, but for me this time is so crucial to put my needs first, as well as that of my partner and the baby (who won't know/care that he met family immediately).

There's been mixed reactions from our family off the back of our request, some are understanding and some aren't, and that has felt hurtful as surely it's what supports us rather than what's right for them? But I would say stay strong in your decisions and lean into your instincts. You can always change your mind when the baby arrives, but at least take the pressure off by limiting the expectations of others.

I held my granddaughter at 2 hours old, I was so excited and emotional it didn't cross my mind my daughter wouldn't want me there. It was a beautiful moment and a privilege, I'll never forget it.

I mean, this isn't true, most babies/kids used to die before their fifth birthday.

My great granny was horrified that everyone would come over to see a newborn baby - in her day no one ever kissed a baby, or passed them round when so young, there was way too much risk of illness and death.

I really hope you don't have a DIL who is planning to have children or has already been having to deal with this...
Do you genuinely not see how vile that attitude is?

I don’t think a week is too much at all. Babies don’t change that much in the first week and it’ll still have that new born cutesy feel to it at one week old.

It is also all about when you feel ready not anyone else. Childbirth takes a massive toll on your body and you need to feel ready.

Your post is all about you…

Also children love their grandparents more??? I think that’s just what you want to believe.

@Oreosareawful - I was the same - PILs drove to hospital whilst I was recovering from EMCS & visited same day as birth but they are gone now ( by which I mean died ) and I have just found some photographs of them on that day. The joy on their faces. The nurse offered to eject them but for a while it was fine . My mother stayed in our house and then popped over later in the day.

If I am absolutely honest - I think the whole idea of having no visitors for days or weeks ( & I mean mainly nice GPs ) is a little precious. (I know this is not a popular view and it is mine only - just my opinion ) Everyone must make their own choice. But we had parents in the hospital and then my DM for a day or two & she just helped out and then went home . After that DH & I were on our own.

Loads of further afield people dropping in at random I am more agreeable to that or indeed I would not like that. ( not that anyone needs my approbation )

Oh I wanted to show off my babies as soon as possible.

Hours after birth for all of them. I wanted my babies to be loved by everyone that could love them.

I breastfeed them all so I was never many minutes away from having them in my arms.

Well it’s a joint child and I’d imagine the grandparents just want to see the child so mum is welcome to stay in bed and get some rest whilst dad shows off his new baby to his own parents. Of course it’s up for discussion, I wouldn’t have said I’m not even discussing having your parents over to see their grandchildren and what I say goes. That’s not a partnership. For some women it’s a power thing towards a MIL and we all know a MIL is the enemy on here. Many times a woman will have her own mother in the delivery room and MIL is on the visit list a week later behind a load of their close friends. Let’s hope their own son’s wife’s don’t take the same approach one day

Gosh, just imagine having been through a traumatic birth and then bring told "people are coming round whether you like it or not, I'll take your baby off you even though they need you the most they will ever need to be constantly with their Mum and you just stay in bed eh". Ridiculous. Any man who has any respect for his partner should never put her through this because some impatient arseholes can't wait a week.

Hmm I find women who expect their husband to only care about them and their DC to be total princesses tbh. I would find it really weird and off putting if my DH didn’t care about his mother and I don’t expect my DS to stop caring about me when he gets married, prioritise his wife and DC yes, but only care about them and no one else? No I would think him brainwashed. I think most mature adult men to have the capacity to love and care for more people than just his wife and child but to each their own.

Exactly! I was bleeding heavily and in so much pain post partum. I didn't mind my parents seeing me in hospital because I'm comfortable around them. I was not ok hence being in hospital for several days. I didn't want my in laws seeing my blooded sheets and me crying in pain. However, many posters here think I'm selfish for not wanting to see in laws until I'd been at home for a few days! And to the poster who said baby should be taken from mum to see mil for a few hours - absolutely not!