to gently let my DD know that it's okay by me if she's gay?

[Anindexoftheliesihavetold]

I have NC for this

DD is 16. She's had some low level struggles with her emotional wellbeing for a few years. Over that time we've gone from thinking it's shyness, low mood, the perils of adolescence, social media, social anxiety, neurodiversity, etc etc. She's had some therapeutic interventions with some degree of success. Now she's started 6th form she's definitely in a better place, although anxiety over the next steps after school is high. We have told her that we will be fully supportive of a gap year while she works out which direction she wants to take.

Anyway. She's never had any interest in boys, and some of the walls in her room are covered in a selection of 4 or 5 females artists' photos. She pretty much only listens to female artists. A couple of years ago she had a friendship with this girl, and I found out indirectly that they were 'together', as the mother of a common friend of both saw something on social media. I never said anything to my DD about it.

Her dad and I are of the belief that people's sexual preferences are their business and their business only, and that 'coming out' is a peculiar concept in itself. However, I have started to believe that perhaps getting this out in the open at home and letting DD know that we are completely supportive of who she is and that we sort of 'know' and we're fine with it, might alleviate some of her anxiety over who she is. But I also worry that this is none of my business and I'd be stepping over boundaries.

Please don't be too harsh, I genuinely don't know if I am getting this wrong, but I want advice as I want to get it right. Thanks.

Well, surely she would know this, anyway? I mean, DS is only 11, but he’s seen us around our gay friends, colleagues, going to same-sex weddings etc, and we’ve always couched joky references to future relationships in terms of who he brings home possibly being male or female.

Why didn’t you say anything during her relationship?

I can't help with your central question, however I completely agree that why should people have to come out, it's no one's business. Heterosexuals don't have to come out.

Just make it clear by the way you discuss relationships (if you don’t already), other than that let her tell you in her own time.

It’s not unusual for teens (or anyone really) not to want to discuss their relationships until they are ready to formalise them.

You sound like a brilliant mum.

I think it depends on your relationship, are you generally open or will it be strange to her you’re talking feelings? You could relieve her of a lot of worry and stress, but do it in the way that suits your general relationship. You could write her a letter or get a book or watch something about same sex couples and say - how amazing, love is love type thing.

good luck!

No, I don't know that she knows. We are a family of introverts so don't socialise massively. We didn't say anything during her relationship because we didn't feel it was our business to say unless she initiated the conversation, which she didn't. She said they were friends and we went along with it thinking that she would say they were in a relationship when the time was right for her, not us. This didn't happen, and now they're not friends anymore.

It sounds like she's already "out" to most people, but embarrassed to talk about sexuality with you. This won't be because you're intolerant, but because sex is an icky topic to raise with one's parents. By all means say something to reassure her if you want. You sound like a very kind parent.

I was just talk openly about gay relationships in a normal manner. I always have said to my kids things like "if you have a girlfriend or boyfriend I wonder if they will ...like dogs/love your nose as much as I do/find the way you eat as disgusting as I do ..

No advice, sorry, but just popping in to say that DH and I thought our kids would know we weren't prejudiced against any sexuality but we still got a letter (posted through the letterbox as though we might react badly if told face to face!!!) after one of our DDs left home telling us (in short) "sorry but I'm gay". We weren't shocked that she is gay, but very shocked that she thought we would be angry about it.

I think it is naive for us as parents to assume our kids will not have to come out to us, and that it won’t be a big thing, even if we have made big efforts to indirectly show that we would accept or celebrate it. It’s still a big thing online, it’s still a big thing for many kids in many places, and our kids will see that and may worry that they should worry. It’s natural. So yes, I think it would be a good thing to say to her. Especially if you’re introverted, private people, this conversation won’t come naturally to her because she’s not seen you lead it.

I do think you need to be explicit that you don’t mind tbh although I agree the concept of having to “come out” is ridiculous. We have tried very hard with our DSs to be clear that their partners could be male or female and either is fine/normal.

id perhaps couch it in a general conversation musing about potential partners or pretend to read an article and say that you wanted her to know that if she was gay it would be a non-event in your eyes.

I wouldn’t make an issue out of it. DD is lesbian. I just used sex-neutral language when talking about relationships and one day she told me she had a crush on a girl and that was that. I just asked if the feelings were mutual and they were. I have had to talk to her about lesbophobia, but of course schools are all about transphobia these days so that was an interesting conversation, as trans ideology is lesbophobic.

It is sad that some still feel the need to come out, and the existence of homophobia and lesbophobia adds another layer of worry for parents.

My 13 year old is possibly gay (she thinks she is but maybe things will change over the next few years, I am fine either way). When I started to suspect she might be I stopped talking about her future exclusively in terms of a husband or a boyfriend and mentioned a wife / girlfriend. Eventually one day she confirmed wife. I still use both so she knows she has room to date anyone she likes.

It's not that we spend LOTS of time talking about her future relationships but as we have a family wedding coming up and I have a boyfriend and am discussing him moving in the topic has been front and centre for a few months. We also talk about her school friends boyfriends and so it made sense for me to ask if she had a boyfriend or girlfriend.

I'd just look to make it clear that you are fully accepting of people romantic choices - no matter what they are. I don't have any gay friends (I am quite isolated and rural) so I had to find some TV gay couples to comment positively on (I did sort of work at it for a few months and tried to keep it casual sounding to make sure she was totally comfortable).

I find your attitude that it’s only that persons business a bit odd, of course it can be, but I wonder if that’s made her think she has to keep it private. Coming out doesn’t haven’t to be some big drama. And it’s seems very late in the day to be having that discussion, at 16. We have always said ‘partner’ if discussing anything hypothetical with our kids.

@EverySporkIsSacred, yes, I feel that from my own point of view it should be obvious that I love her no matter what, but she is extremely sensitive to rejection (more frequently than not, perceived, rather that actual), so I worry that she has internalised a sense that she is not okay by us just as she is.

@AttaThat Can I challenge your use of the word ‘celebrate’? Would you ‘celebrate’ if your child was heterosexual? There is a lot of pressure on young gay males in particular to ‘celebrate’ their sexuality in a way that can have negative long term effects on them.

Just want to say, don't make any assumptions. My first teenage 'relationship' was with my female best friend. I've only ever been in male relationships since, now married to a man, and I consider myself straight. Sexuality is fluid. She might not even consider herself bi.

I would talk about other people. Oh did you see the two women getting married in (tv programme) wasn't that lovely. I'm so glad gay people can get married now.
(doesn't have to be that but you get my point - rather than saying "I hope you know we're fine with you being gay" you could talk about gay people in a way that makes it 100% clear you would be happy.)

I don’t mean literally throw them a party. I mean positively acknowledging who our children are as independent people.

I often see parents (online, so who knows whether it’s reality) out competing one another in the “not giving a shit” stakes. Videos where the child has worked themselves up to come out and the parent says “what are you on about, I’ve always known you were gay, we’re having lasagna for dinner”. And they often come across as very dismissive of the fact that this is a big moment in that child’s life.

I would just speak in a generic way about it and refer to her friends and other people her age who are exploring their sexuality. That’s what I’ve done with my kids. They would be mortified if they thought I was trying to label them with sexual preference so I have made it clear that i think it’s fine to like whoever they like regardless of someone’s gender. They still don’t tell me anything. But I’ve said it now and I truly believe what I’m saying and I think they know this. So hopefully when they are ready they feel they can be open with me.

My 17 year old DD told me she was gay last year. I had noticed some years ago that she wasn’t really invested in boys (though she did like someone from a Korean boy band). I wasn’t bothered in the slightest, she only told me because I was talking about wanting grandchildren one day to take to Disney:
Her “you do know I’m gay
Me “don’t be using that as an excuse not to give me grandchildren”

All in good humour of course.

We should be so past “coming out”, should be that one day your child tells you they have a partner, at at that point they may produce someone of the same sex, or, the opposite sex.

@ExtraOnions *Her “you do know I’m gay
Me “don’t be using that as an excuse not to give me grandchildren”

All in good humour of course.*

Wow. I know you say it's good humour/'lighthearted' but comments like this are very hurtful to childfree/childless people, regardless of sexuality. Please rethink these sort of comments in future.

I would start with general positive mentioning of gay couples from TV. I know it’s surprising for many people but as a family we haven’t been at any gay wedding, none of our close friends are gay but we only have a few friends. So tbh TV is my only opportunity for indirect comments.
Plus what other people say about how you are commenting regarding her future.

Oops! I have skewed your AIBU results by pressing the wrong button 🤦‍♀️. I pressed YABU by mistake!

You sound really loving, supportive and warm. Do whatever comes naturally to you, being guided by those natural qualities you have.

Hope your DD feels stronger soon. It can be a tough age eh? Lots of transitions. Seems they’ve only just chosen their A-Levels before they have to choose the next step. ❤️

Have you seen All of us strangers yet? The parents in that understandably express views from their time that we have thankfully moved on from but this could make starter conversation along the lines of 'I was quite shocked to hear their views and am so glad everything moved on now ' I also find these conversations are helped when driving - no eye contact seems to make things easier sometimes

Why do people still expect someone who is attracted to the same gender to 'come out'?

Equally why would you have to confirm to her that it is OK to be gay or bi? because it implies that gay people should still worry about not being accepted at home.

Surely we should have moved on to a place by now where gay relationships are like any other relationships and that there is no need to make a big deal out of it?

You sound like a great mum so I don't want to be seen as having a go at you but just let her be, continue to love and support her and if she decides to bring a girlfriend home just treat it as you would any teenager bringing someone they are dating home.