to gently let my DD know that it's okay by me if she's gay?

[Anindexoftheliesihavetold]

I have NC for this

DD is 16. She's had some low level struggles with her emotional wellbeing for a few years. Over that time we've gone from thinking it's shyness, low mood, the perils of adolescence, social media, social anxiety, neurodiversity, etc etc. She's had some therapeutic interventions with some degree of success. Now she's started 6th form she's definitely in a better place, although anxiety over the next steps after school is high. We have told her that we will be fully supportive of a gap year while she works out which direction she wants to take.

Anyway. She's never had any interest in boys, and some of the walls in her room are covered in a selection of 4 or 5 females artists' photos. She pretty much only listens to female artists. A couple of years ago she had a friendship with this girl, and I found out indirectly that they were 'together', as the mother of a common friend of both saw something on social media. I never said anything to my DD about it.

Her dad and I are of the belief that people's sexual preferences are their business and their business only, and that 'coming out' is a peculiar concept in itself. However, I have started to believe that perhaps getting this out in the open at home and letting DD know that we are completely supportive of who she is and that we sort of 'know' and we're fine with it, might alleviate some of her anxiety over who she is. But I also worry that this is none of my business and I'd be stepping over boundaries.

Please don't be too harsh, I genuinely don't know if I am getting this wrong, but I want advice as I want to get it right. Thanks.

100% this.

When the subject of boyfriends or girlfriends comes up in our house. (Not at that point yet). I always mention both, and say it's up to you! And the kids laugh 😂

On this subject, 'Never Have I Ever' is a TV series but has a fabulous lesbian secondary character (I know; I know - we need Heartstopper for the girls, but we don't have it, so ...).

Yes! Love that show.

It's so great!

It seems a bit weird that you've waited this long to communicate to your DD that love is love and the combination of MF/FF/MM is immaterial.

I think my DS was about 7 or 8 when we first started having conversations which included such concepts in an age-appropriate way.

When we see family friends who are in same-sex relationships we are clear that they are wife&wife or husband&husband not just "friends who live together"

Whenever we talk about the future and it's relevant to speculate about what life might be like in the family in 30 years time we use gender-neutral language about any theoretical partner DS might end up with.

Acceotance of all sexual orientations isn't a concept you wait until age 16 to introduce!

Agree with PP, mention both boyfriend and girlfriend in conversation.

It worked for a boy I know who was scared of sharing that he is bi.

He actually cried with relief. 🙂

Came onto agree. She's not told you, because she doesn't feel like it's a welcome environment to be honest. That's the crux of it

I have relatives who "love gays" have many gay acquaintances and yet still don't agree they should marry... But they're not homophobic . Acceptance is acceptance, it doesn't come with clauses or ifs and buts.

How much queer culture is there in your life? Is it a topic of conversation or dismissed? You don't have to go to Pride, but do you ever listen to music, read or watch programmes by queer creatives. What about when topics are in the news?

I don't think you should be over direct. It's up to her to let you know when she feels ready. I don't think over-demonstrating your 'tolerance' is a good idea either. Generally you should show that you are tolerant of all sexualities, but it's her life and she may feel more awkward if you keep trying to make it clear how cool you are.

One of my dds used to say she thought she was lesbian. She had some intense friendships with other girls, though there was only one that felt it could be a relationship. I did end up asking her, only as I felt it was potentially coercive, but she said it wasn't sexual.

She never showed any interest in boys until the day she told me she had a boyfriend. They've just broken up after nearly 3 years together.

My other dd at 14/15 told me her entire friendship group, including her, were bisexual and talked a lot about lgbt issues. A few years later, it became clear she was quite obsessed with boys and she never mentions it now.

I'm not saying your dd isn't gay but not everyone is clear about their sexuality as a teen.

I'd say just be interested in her life, listen to her if she wants to talk and let her tell you, if she wants to, when she is ready.

I just want to say for anyone reading this thread, if you are thinking 'why do people come out, it's not a big deal'
Your intentions are in the right place, and I love that, but please understand that to some kids it's still a big deal, and if your child has been chewing it over enough to announce you, then please please please recognise that everyone is different, and some kids want/need to announce, and that's not a reflection on you or your parenting, and sometimes we need to give kids a reaction we wouldn't naturally give.
It's about them, and feeling supported - so if your kid sits you down and says mum, I'm gay. Clearly to them it's important, so let's support them by saying 'thank you for telling me' and giving them a hug, not going 'okay, but you didn't need to announce it, I'm fine with it' it will cost you nothing and make them feel good about it.
For the love of God, don't make it about you 'well why didn't you tell me sooner?' Or 'why do you think id have a problem with it?'
If you ARE concerned, let the heat die off, days weeks whatever, and go to them with an attitude of curiosity, not of defence.
'Hey, I just wanted to check, did you announce you were gay because I've done something to make you feel worried about doing so in the past? Just wanted to check, so I don't put my foot in it again'
Then you can have an open conversation - you may have done nothing, or you may have done or said something that you have entirely forgotten and was not meant with any malice, but if it put a worry in your child's head its good to be able to go 'oh, sorry, absolutely not my intention' without getting into a big argument about it.

Unfortunately there are still PLENTY of people out there who are 'fine' with gay people but then say things like 'ugh. Not got a problem with it, but why does he have to be all camp' so just be mindful that evening you yourself are supportive, it's understandable lots of people might feel a little on edge due to the dickheads out there.

Remember it's about the bigger goal - did you kid feel supported and loved when they came out. That's the bit that gets remembered. You getting prickly because 'people don't need to come out' or getting defensive over being mistakenly perceived as a homophobe just turns it into a stressful memory for no reason, when it doesn't matter - what matters is that your kid was stressed and needed to feel loved.

Best of luck to all the parents out there - do it with love, and you'll be doing your best.

Similar here. Some experimenting with female friends when younger but have never been in a female/female relationship.

Never considered myself bi or anything other than straight.

We have quite a few gay relationships in our extended family and my grandad always said to my sister, settle down with a nice boy....or.girl...whatever you choose and so I use that with my dd's when I'm talking about relationships. They are all still only single digits but they talk about crushes in school and I say ooh is it a girl or a boy? Just so they know it's OK no matter who you love. Love is love. Maybe frame it that way to her.

I think this is a little unfair. I dont think it's implying that gay people SHOULD still worry about not being accepted at home. And agreed it shouldn't have to be something that's confirmed as being ok but unfortunately a large percentage of gay people will have that worry. And feeling supported no matter what at home could help to allay those fears.

DD is bi. Long before she actually said it, I once said in a discussion about love and relationships "I don't care if you have a girlfriend, boyfriend, are in a threesome or with a non-binary person.

I said: "I only care that you your partner(s) treat you well, you are happy and everything is consensual. I worry if you have to struggle with society's expectations if you relationship is outside of norms. But we support you whatever you choose."

I hate the idea that a person has to justify why she/he is in love with someone not the normal opposite sex. Nobody is "coming out" as straight so why should it be a big announcement if you are gay/bi/any other letter of the alphabet.

@reluctantbrit, the thing is, your post actually says to your DD:

'I don't care' about your relationships.

But, your DD might want you to care about more than that bare minimum (that she's not being mistreated, is happy etc.). She might want you to be interested in her life.

Think about it like this: if your DD wanted to paint her bedroom blue, I take it you wouldn't care. You're not blue-phobic. But you might still enter into discussions about whether periwinkle is a nicer shade than ocean, and you might discuss what it is she loves so much about ocean in the first place, and so on. You probably wouldn't say 'DD, I don't care if it's blue, green, or rainbow magenta, so long as you do it'.

Also - and here's where my paint colour analogy falls down - do you really believe sexuality is a matter of choice? And that it's not 'normal'?

Coming out isn't 'a big announcement if you are gay/bi/any other letter of the alphabet'.

Being same-sex attracted is not a preference, just like being opposite sex attracted isn’t a preference.

I'd try to find an opportunity to talk about gay people generally in a positive manner. Or next time she brings a girl mention how great she is and they would look good as a couple.

Coming out isn’t peculiar. It’s what has to happen when you are gay over and over again throughout your whole life to every new person you meet. When people stop assuming heterosexuality is the norm then people can stop having to come out.

Anything you do will be cringe. That’s cause you’re a parent and they are a teenager. Just let them work it out for themselves.

I think this is just a choice of actors. There wasn't that much of a gap between them in a book.
In any case, we cannot censor what children see. I find it is best to have a conversation about it rather than try to limit exposure.

If only there was a way to identify and round-up the perpetually offended and ship them all off to a deserted island somewhere 🤔

My mum came straight out and said “if you’re a lesbian you know I would support you and love you just the same”. I’m not gay but really respected her little speech and knew she had my back whatever choices I made.

At least there's an easy way to identify the arseholes 👍 here's one!

My ds is gay, I don't really know when he 'came out' I think it just kind of evolved and it's never been a big deal. In your shoes I think I would just do it. No game playing, no beating around the bush, just a look I know this might be awkward for us both and there's no obligation on you to talk to me about it but it's been playing on my mind and I have to say it.

Mine are teens and I think the whole watch a TV show about gay people or going about it in a round about way just makes it more awkward for everyone. They are teens, not stupid. If I feel I have to say something I just say it but make it clear that I'm not forcing them into a conversation but am here if they need to talk by text or in person. Mine sometimes prefer to get things out over text then talk in person later.

Sorry, but no.

I said, I don't care with whom she has a relationship, I said I care that she is happy.

The discussion went a lot further and this quote was just a short part of it. It went even further into demi, ace, pan, adult entertainment and lots more than I want to add here.

Isn't being happy what you want from your child regardless with whom she has a relationship?

And, no, I don't have an in-depth discussion why she thinks lavender is a nice colour for her room. I asked her if she is happy with the colour she chose. Because that is the only important thing for me - she is happy.

No, I don't believe sexuality is a matter of choice, you don't choose if you are gay or straight or whatever. Remember, the discussion was before she told me she identifies as bi. I wanted to ensure her I wouldn't care about her orientation because I never expected her to be straight, she is what she is and I can't change this.

She very well understood that I dont' care what sexuality her partner/partners have but that I care that she is happy in whatever relationship type she enters in the future.
That is why she just added a pride flag to her birthday wishlist withouth any further comment or told me at dinner one day that she has a crush on her best friend. Because she knew I wouldn't care that her crush is a girl or a boy or a person. I would care about her feelings to this girl and we could talk about it.

Unfortunately "normal" in our society still means straight. I worry the impact on her life if she would enter a lesbian relationship for example and wants children, the whisper, the scrutiny, the judgement. Because these things hurt.
I have/had several gay colleagues, all in commited relationships. I know how they changed their behaviour when being in countries gay marriage wasn't recognised or when their own grandparents weren't happy with them marrying another man.

In an ideal world we wouldn't have this discussion. In an ideal world we would just take on any person our child chooses as a partner. But we are not living in an ideal world so these discussions are coming up. Therefore non-straight people still have to "come out" all the time to their parents, work, friends and so on. One of my colleagues was very private, it took years for him to openly say husband instead of partner. He wouldn't correct a new colleague who spotted his wedding ring and innocently said "I hope you and your wife had a nice holiday". I don't want that, I want to ensure that DD is able to be open and proud.

Why do you think there is still a huge drama about any celebrity "coming out", especially male sport stars? Why do they have to do press releases about it? There was no major press release that Harry Kane has a girlfriend/wife. But the fact that a football or rugby player is gay meant media chaos for days.

She said this In the context of her relationship with her daughter, and it seems they were both saying things in good humour.

private conversations don’t also need to be weighed on whether they may upset someone who is not in the room. equally, Other people’s lives may upset us any number of reason but they can still talk about their lives.

As long aa they are not inherently offensive/discriminatory/criminal