to gently let my DD know that it's okay by me if she's gay?

[Anindexoftheliesihavetold]

I have NC for this

DD is 16. She's had some low level struggles with her emotional wellbeing for a few years. Over that time we've gone from thinking it's shyness, low mood, the perils of adolescence, social media, social anxiety, neurodiversity, etc etc. She's had some therapeutic interventions with some degree of success. Now she's started 6th form she's definitely in a better place, although anxiety over the next steps after school is high. We have told her that we will be fully supportive of a gap year while she works out which direction she wants to take.

Anyway. She's never had any interest in boys, and some of the walls in her room are covered in a selection of 4 or 5 females artists' photos. She pretty much only listens to female artists. A couple of years ago she had a friendship with this girl, and I found out indirectly that they were 'together', as the mother of a common friend of both saw something on social media. I never said anything to my DD about it.

Her dad and I are of the belief that people's sexual preferences are their business and their business only, and that 'coming out' is a peculiar concept in itself. However, I have started to believe that perhaps getting this out in the open at home and letting DD know that we are completely supportive of who she is and that we sort of 'know' and we're fine with it, might alleviate some of her anxiety over who she is. But I also worry that this is none of my business and I'd be stepping over boundaries.

Please don't be too harsh, I genuinely don't know if I am getting this wrong, but I want advice as I want to get it right. Thanks.

Being gay is not a preference. The whole its no ones business is also weird, thats code for keep it to yourself.

I have a gay dd and a bi dd.

Neither 'came out' just mentioned in passing they had a crush or were dating X, which was exactly what I wanted.

With all my dc I made sure they had books/films/people/music representing all walks of life so they always had some type of role model regardless of who they turned out to be. I always used neutral language too.

Keep language neutral, if you see, for example, a gay couple on TV, make sure you say something positive about them "awww cute couple" or whatever, and she will come to you in her own time when she feels comfortable and knows that you will be totally fine.

If she's a reader then I can recommend some books with gay characters, some where that's a central storyline, others where its just mentioned in passing.

Call Me By Your Name is a wonderful movie - very positive with a little bit of age-appropriate heartbreak

Yes keep it so low key and on any line use girlfriend or boyfriend

Normalise it rather than go for big deal

It doesn't have to be a big Very Special Episode reveal though. Maybe good to keep it casual. Like sure, It's A Sin was great, Call Me By Your Name is great but even something like First Dates is quite inclusive and generally has a few LGBT+ couples each episode. You just want to normalise it - "they seem well suited", etc.

Now she’s settled in at 6th form college, perhaps you could simply comment that she ‘does know she can bring new friends home any time, even a boyfriend or girl friend, and that it’s her home too’ - or something similar?

Coming to say this! Always did that with my 3 boys, so it was totally normalised. As a result, youngest (now nearly 15) actually forgot he'd not told us he was gay, it was only cos he was worried about seeing MIL & her reacting badly so he sounded off to me in the car. I didn't say I didn't know (I mean, we all did), he mentioned it months later with 'did I actually ever tell you I'm gay?' & I was like 'nope' & we laughed about it. He was 11 at the time.

OP - maybe drop something around the gap year about meeting a girlf/boyf or going travelling with girlf/boyf' etc. Just be very normal & very very boring about it.

clearly you’ve never grown up in a house where your parents act one way behind closed doors and another in front of company. Plenty of documented stories of parents being tolerant people but not when comes to their own child.

However Op, you should tell her

God OP, cant you just ask her and follow up saying either way you want her to know that you support her, like it doesn't need to be a big serious conversation.

Your her mum, you should both be able to talk about most things with each other but from some or your writing ( and i apologize if Im wrong here) you sound to be quite a closed uptight family and i can only assume this is stopping your DD from sharing and having good conversations.

I would not say anything to her - you never know her relationship with a girl might have been purely platonic or she was experimenting or she is bi....once you bring it up you are bringing up a label she feels she needs an answer to.
Just continue to be supportive of other people's relationships outside of the home / on media etc so she knows you are accepting of different choices.

I once thought my teen daughter was gay for years because of her choices including she would repeatedly not let male doctors examine her for a debilitating condition she needed medication for but could only get after an examination - she eventually told me herself she was not gay.

She is 16 ,her tastes could change ,she may be a bit "Bi" or not even know for sure herself yet .As PP said above just a "you know you are welcome to bring friends girls /boys if you want to home?"

Try leaving the book 'The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo' around the house as you read it. Your DD may have already heard of it and if not, recommend it (if you like it obviously).

My DD15 lent it to me whilst on holiday as we'd come hand-baggage only and I only had one book. Reading the same book was a lovely way to connect and it's a fast read. To be fair my DD was keen for me to read it and get my opinion on it, but not to discuss it in any great depth, so who knows.

Yup, do it. I’m gay and think you should!

‘She is 16 ,her tastes could change ‘

flipping hate when straight people say that.
No-one ever talks straight teens out of dating the opposite sex.

When I started to suspect she might be I stopped talking about her future exclusively in terms of a husband or a boyfriend

But why would you assume anything like that anyway? The way to communicate to your DC that being gay or bisexual is fine, is to raise them in an atmosphere that makes that clear by the way you talk: “When you grow up and meet someone you love…” , “If you have a partner….”, etc.

It’s not hard and it greatly reduces any problem if your DC does turn out to be gay or bi. When I was in my teens and thinking of telling my parents, all I could think about was a) their assumptions about me meeting a man, having a husband, etc; and the implicit shame around being gay when I heard it whispered about (“She’s a lesbian, you know”).

OP, it might be better to communicate your acceptance indirectly rather than talk to your DD directly. I’d have cringed hugely if my DPs had come up and merrily started chatting about it. I’d also probably have lied - because I wasn’t ready. Make a point of making subtle comments about gay and lesbian people like “Kate is lovely, isn’t she, and she and her girlfriend are always so helpful”, “What a lovely photo! Dave and Andy look so happy together” etc.

Finally, I don’t agree with encouraging people to label themselves too early. If they do, then that can lead to shame and embarrassment if they later find a partner of the ‘wrong’ sex. Keep things light. Avoid labels.

Broadly agree with the consensus on here, which seems to be to be to check and modify your language and behaviours if they are heteronormative, and to take opportunities which present themselves in conversation. Watching First Dates/Modern Family both seem like really good opportunities to me.

I think there are (thankfully) real generational differences in how much of a 'big deal' sexual orientation is and people's attitudes to it. I'm late-40s and, as well as some outright homophobia, a general squeamishness about non-straight sexuality was very much around when I grew up and it's important to check in with ourselves about how that's affected us. I think some of your anxiety about doing the right thing here stems from wanting to show that you don't hold any of those attitudes yourself maybe? (I think I felt a bit like that when I found out my DD was a lesbian - I was very conscious that I didn't wanted to do or say anything that would imply my own shame or disappointment. I feel and felt neither of those things, but I still felt anxious to convey to my daughter that I didn't feel them and I think that's a hangover from the environment I grew up in.)

I am glad I have always talked about partners/'boy or girlfriends' etc with my children and I would advise any parents of young children on the thread to do so from an early age.

I saw the cutest thing on instagram the other day. A woman's father had died a few years ago and his anniversary was coming up and she suggested to her sister that they watch broke back mountain together to commemorate him. Because it was his favourite movie. The sister was like wtf are you on about. He never mentioned it once. At which point the woman realised it was because she was gay and he wanted her to know he was cool with it and then it grew legs and they just ended up watching it whenever they were together. Maybe go find your Brokeback mountain.

So sorry OP- I should have been more clear - I wasn't suggesting watching it with her , not only is it terribly sad it's also potentially quite embarrassing to watch with your mum - it was more of a conversation starter about outdated attitudes.

I disagree- the age-gap is very problematic!

That is adorable. I'm so glad that so many kids these days have that kind of experience of coming out... or not, as the case may be!

It sounds like your Daughter has many issues. Why would you think that whoever she is attracted to is the reason for her issues.
Posters in the room etc is a bit of a reach.

I'm a terrible person and I read the first ten posts then cracked.

The whole 'coming out is peculiar' thing is homophobic. I'm sorry, but it is.

Of course people have to come out. Most people are straight. Unsurprisingly, most people assume most people are straight. So, if you are not straight, you generally do have to tell people.

When I hear someone say 'coming out is ridiculous' or 'straight people don't have to come out!' what I hear is 'how attention-seeking the gays are!' or 'what a fuss about nothing!'. That may not be what you mean, personally - but it's how it comes across.

Your child's sexuality is probably something they do feel is important.

(Oh, and ... I would just talk about 'coming out' in a normal way. I wouldn't call it 'peculiar'. I would just accept it is something that is probably already in your daughter's life, and will continue to be for the foreseeable future if she is gay.)

Lots of people are recommending films which focus on gay men- don't get me wrong, I love a good gay romance, but probably more relevant for OP's daughter to watch something with a lesbian focus if you want to go down that route! Nina's Heavenly Delights and DEBS are both lesbian romances which a teenage girl could watch with her parents without dying of embarrassment.

Haven’t RTWT. My DD told me that she ‘liked girls not boys’ at 13. I just said ‘the most important thing you can be in life is yourself and know that you are very loved’.

She is 18 now and said the other day that she was so grateful that I knew she knew her own mind and didn’t patronise her by assuming it was ‘a phase’.

Not sure that that is helpful or not but I think you just need to get across that love and support is not dependent on anything as a parent.

A couple of my very best friends are gay, DD knew that there would be no judgement from me.