to gently let my DD know that it's okay by me if she's gay?

[Anindexoftheliesihavetold]

I have NC for this

DD is 16. She's had some low level struggles with her emotional wellbeing for a few years. Over that time we've gone from thinking it's shyness, low mood, the perils of adolescence, social media, social anxiety, neurodiversity, etc etc. She's had some therapeutic interventions with some degree of success. Now she's started 6th form she's definitely in a better place, although anxiety over the next steps after school is high. We have told her that we will be fully supportive of a gap year while she works out which direction she wants to take.

Anyway. She's never had any interest in boys, and some of the walls in her room are covered in a selection of 4 or 5 females artists' photos. She pretty much only listens to female artists. A couple of years ago she had a friendship with this girl, and I found out indirectly that they were 'together', as the mother of a common friend of both saw something on social media. I never said anything to my DD about it.

Her dad and I are of the belief that people's sexual preferences are their business and their business only, and that 'coming out' is a peculiar concept in itself. However, I have started to believe that perhaps getting this out in the open at home and letting DD know that we are completely supportive of who she is and that we sort of 'know' and we're fine with it, might alleviate some of her anxiety over who she is. But I also worry that this is none of my business and I'd be stepping over boundaries.

Please don't be too harsh, I genuinely don't know if I am getting this wrong, but I want advice as I want to get it right. Thanks.

That was me.

Depending with whom you speak and where you live, I unfortunately still see it happening that way.

And I am still sure that people are hurt by often careless and thoughtless comments.

@Shabooboogaloo

I am not a Brit by birth, I lived here for over 2 decades and still am hurt when I read racist comments or comments about immigration because I can't believe that people's opinions have gone back instead of forward in the 21st century.

Read up on opinions in the US, especially the Bible Belt. I wouldn't want DD to live there as a gay/bi person. Do you?

Op sending the biggest of hugs. My 18 year old son is bi sexual but didn't know how to tell me. Was worried about how I would react. I gave him the biggest hug and we both cried. I told him at the end of the day he's still my son and I will love him no matter what x

They aren’t hurtful at all to a lot of child free people

My friends parents said something similar to him, and although he wasn’t ready to say anything to them at that time, he did feel comforted by the fact they would be supportive. He came out to them a few months later.

When Dd was about 14 or 15 we had a chat about staying over at parties and I explained why I didn't think it was ok. She acussed me of not wanting her to have sex and ( rightly) pointed out she could be having sex with her girlfriends with whom she had sleepovers regularly. I simply said " I don't care who you have sex with as long as it's sex that you want to have". She has said that was one the best and most supportive things I ever said. So I thought I'd share it here, in case it is helpful.

If people are going to insist on derailing the thread - I can't speak for everyone, but I think it is a common experience not to want to disappoint your parents and to worry what they think of you (given that it's sort of the point of this whole thread). There have been threads on the MNers without Children forum showing that these sorts of comments from parents do cause a lot of hurt, guilt and pressure later in life. Regardless, if there's a chance it could be hurtful, why say it to your own child?

Sorry, but no. I said, I don't care with whom she has a relationship, I said I care that she is happy.

Yes, and I am making the point that starting your reply with 'I don't care' might come across as if you think it's not important. She might want you to care both that she is happy, and about her sexuality?

No, I don't believe sexuality is a matter of choice, you don't choose if you are gay or straight or whatever. But you've just said you told your DD But we support you whatever you choose.

Unfortunately "normal" in our society still means straight. Does it? Depends which meaning of 'normal' you're going with, and it matters. Yes, of course, it is statistically more common to be straight, and yes, our society normalises heterosexuality as a cultural practice. But there is a long, long history of people using 'normal' in the context of sexuality to mean 'not aberrant, not perverted'. If you look up 'normal' in a dictionary, synonyms might include 'natural' or 'not aberrant,' and therefore, when you talk to someone who isn't straight about their sexuality, 'normal' packs quite a punch. It isn't a neutral term.

In an ideal world we wouldn't have this discussion. In an ideal world we would just take on any person our child chooses as a partner. But we are not living in an ideal world so these discussions are coming up. Therefore non-straight people still have to "come out" all the time to their parents, work, friends and so on. One of my colleagues was very private, it took years for him to openly say husband instead of partner. He wouldn't correct a new colleague who spotted his wedding ring and innocently said "I hope you and your wife had a nice holiday". I don't want that, I want to ensure that DD is able to be open and proud.

Why do you think there is still a huge drama about any celebrity "coming out", especially male sport stars? Why do they have to do press releases about it? There was no major press release that Harry Kane has a girlfriend/wife. But the fact that a football or rugby player is gay meant media chaos for days.

I'm very well aware of why people come out, thanks. But I was responding to you saying I hate the idea that a person has to justify why she/he is in love with someone not the normal opposite sex. Nobody is "coming out" as straight so why should it be a big announcement if you are gay/bi/any other letter of the alphabet. Obviously, you do know why people have to come out. But your earlier post that I'm quoting here makes it sound as if you disapprove of gay people coming out and making a 'big announcement' - and your snotty phrase 'any other letter of the alphabet' sounds really dismissive of your DD. Perhaps you didn't mean to sound that way, and you really do get why people have to come out, as you say in this second post. But, keep in mind: your DD may not want to be 'open and proud'. She might be quite private. She might want to shout it from the rooftops. Fine. We're all different.

Surely there is a chance that almost anything you ever say could be hurtful? So why say anything at all?

Agree with many PPs - all these posts along the lines of "straight people don't have to come out," "this shouldn't be a big deal," etc are quite frustrating. It really downplays what a huge, brave and constant thing coming out is. You don't just come out once. You have to come out to family and friends, and then work colleagues, if you change a job, new neighbours, medical staff, your child's teachers...the list is endless. It would be amazing if society worked in a way that meant coming out wasn't necessary, but unfortunately that's not the case. So the act of coming out should not be downplayed. At all.

And just to add - you can only come out if you feel safe! I have been in many a situation where someone has assumed I am straight, but I've been too uncomfortable (and sometimes felt too unsafe) to correct them. And fck me that is HARD. It essentially feels like being shoved back in to the closet!

Anyway, that's not the original point of the thread. @Anindexoftheliesihavetold , there are some excellent suggestions here! Hopefully they've provided you with guidance that is suitable for you and your daughter.

And the handful of posters who suggested that your daughter not yet discussing this with you is somehow down to you and your parenting are being ridiculous. Two of the closest people in the world wouldn't be okay with telling one another every last thing about themselves. Especially if they themselves hadn't yet got their own head around it. X

My daughter told me out of the blue she was pansexual and had started dating a girl. I said great and asked if she would like to bring her over from a meal. I have always been a liberal parent and have talked about most things with my daughter. A year and a half later and now she is single again and thinks she prefers boys now. In the teenager years, they are still learning about who they are.
Do you talk about sex, or sexual orientation? If not then just introduce it into the conversation, or if something comes up on the TV about sexual orientation, it would be a natural conversation to be had. I hope this helps a little bit 😊

Thank you all again. I am grateful for all the responses. A lot of people have commented on the bit where I said 'coming out' is a peculiar concept in itself, that this might be a dismissive stance which may fail to appreciate the enormity of it for others. This has given me a lot of food for thought. So thank you for that also.🙏

I've just always tried to include various options with my children when talking about relationships, so talking about a possible future husband or wife etc.

And an easy way to identify the unfunny bores.