to gently let my DD know that it's okay by me if she's gay?

[Anindexoftheliesihavetold]

I have NC for this

DD is 16. She's had some low level struggles with her emotional wellbeing for a few years. Over that time we've gone from thinking it's shyness, low mood, the perils of adolescence, social media, social anxiety, neurodiversity, etc etc. She's had some therapeutic interventions with some degree of success. Now she's started 6th form she's definitely in a better place, although anxiety over the next steps after school is high. We have told her that we will be fully supportive of a gap year while she works out which direction she wants to take.

Anyway. She's never had any interest in boys, and some of the walls in her room are covered in a selection of 4 or 5 females artists' photos. She pretty much only listens to female artists. A couple of years ago she had a friendship with this girl, and I found out indirectly that they were 'together', as the mother of a common friend of both saw something on social media. I never said anything to my DD about it.

Her dad and I are of the belief that people's sexual preferences are their business and their business only, and that 'coming out' is a peculiar concept in itself. However, I have started to believe that perhaps getting this out in the open at home and letting DD know that we are completely supportive of who she is and that we sort of 'know' and we're fine with it, might alleviate some of her anxiety over who she is. But I also worry that this is none of my business and I'd be stepping over boundaries.

Please don't be too harsh, I genuinely don't know if I am getting this wrong, but I want advice as I want to get it right. Thanks.

My parents randomly sat my brother and I down one day and told us they loved us both unconditionally and we were never to be worried about who we loved and if we were gay, that would be fine with them. We've always told our children that all that matters is they're in a mutually kind and respectful relationship.

Maybe just tell her you love her and will.love whoever she loves.

I can't believe I'm having to explain this, but I obviously didn't mean PP had to moderate her speech for the sake of people who weren't in the room, but for the sake of her 17yo daughter. PP describes a conversation where she told the daughter she wants grandchildren to take to Disney, and not to be using her sexuality as an excuse not to provide what she wants. Nobody is entitled to grandchildren, it's a selfish thing to say. PP might think this conversation was lighthearted, but if her DD turns out to be childfree, she will remember this conversation 20 years down the line and it will sting. Lots of things our parents say as we're growing up stay with us. I think parents should be mindful of that. It really does sound like PP is assuming her DD will have kids, and that's just not something anyone should assume.

I could have written your post a couple of years ago. Dd has always been anxious and is under Cahms for possible autism diagnosis. When she was in the 6th form she wrote a note saying that she liked a girl in her class and wanted to let us know. First thing I did was gove her a hug, reassure her that that was ok and that all I cared about was that she was happy. She ended up going out with her girlfriend for 6 months before they naturally went their separate ways. Just be there for your dd and build on that great relationship that you already have xx

My son came out to me at 17. I didn’t really suspect before than but when he told me the first thought was “oh now it all makes sense”
He struggled for a long time with who he was etc before he spoke to me. His friends all knew and told him to talk to us. He told me as he simply knew I’d tell his dad. It’s one of the strangest but sweetest memory I have involving my son.
in the end him coming to me and trusting me was really important to him. We gently told him not to put himself in a box and be open. Letting it out for him removed all the emotional angst and he could finally breathe again.
8 years on he’s content and happy and growing into the most sweetest man ever. He’s also still gay but after talking to us was happy to not stew himself out by trying to figure out who he was. It happened naturally as he’s matured.
I personally think there is to much pressure on young kids to have it all figured out and really they just need to be…
Just love your child at the end of the day that’s what she needs. Let the rest flow at her pace and when she’s ready.

This. Ours are younger but we always talk about friends / boyfriends / girlfriends etc all being equally welcome regardless of gay / straight

We're in a similar situation with our 16yo DD.

I'm 95% sure she's gay, and she sounds similarly anxious about anything like this to your daughter @Anindexoftheliesihavetold

Luckily we've been watching Buffy the vampire slayer over the past year or so, and the Willow / Tara relationship has been a perfect opener to conversations about same sex relationships without directly having to discuss DD.

I'm bi, which DD wasn't aware of until recently, because I've been in a heterosexual relationship with her mum for 18 years. Buffy helped us broach that conversation, along with conversations about coming out in the 90s Vs now, and how my parents reacted, which allowed me to talk about how I'd react differently to how my parents did.

I'm not suggesting you to watch Buffy, because it's 80 odd episodes before you'll get to that bit, so unless you're playing the long game it's probably not a great timeline.

But TV and film can certainly be good conversation openers, a way of talking about your acceptance without your daughter needing to out herself.

I think let her come out on her own

Yeah. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone gay or bi say this, either - it tends to be something some straight people say when they’re trying to show how accepting they are, but end up accidentally really naive.

*Accidentally looking really naive

My ds told me he was gay when he was 12, lots of tears from him, but I told him I would love him whatever he was. He met his dh when he was 18 & got married last summer. There is a lot of incidence of same sex relationships in SEN children, most of ds friends who are LGBT have SEN. Just let her tell you in her own time, but make it clear you love & care for her whatever she chooses to be.

Honestly, I wouldn't do anything. My ds never actually 'came out'. He just waited until he was in a relationship & then told me about the relationship, not that he was gay. Don't make a big deal of it. I actually asked him if he had been scared to tell me as he didn't know how I would react - he said of course not. He didn't think it was something he needed to even tell me. My other ds didn't 'tell me' he was straight. Maybe she feels there's no need for a big announcement? Just be there if & when she decides to open up to you.

I’m childless and I read your post and it made me smile because that’s the kind of banter I had with my mum.
I bet it’s a lovely moment to look back on and don’t let anyone make you think otherwise, why would anyone possibly be offended about a conversation you had between you?

I once thought my teen daughter was gay for years because of her choices including she would repeatedly not let male doctors examine her for a debilitating condition she needed medication for but could only get after an examination - she eventually told me herself she was not gay.

Ermm... what?? WTF are you on about? Do you think that people are only comfortable with medical professionals that they can be sexually attracted to? What a bizarre comment.

In my experience what a young person sees from their parents regarding different types of relationships doesn’t always come into play when it relates to them because it then becomes personal and that feels very different.
it may not be as simple as “coming out” as ……. (which I also think is unnecessary). But they may not know what they “are” right now which must be so unsettling for them to say the least.
Being young now is so much more complicated than it used to be.

One of our DS's started seeing his BF at 16, there was no coming out that I remember. We've never assumed the sexuality of any of our DC.
They're 22 now and still together.

I personally couldn't bear the thought of my child suffering and spending years building up to telling me they were LGBTQ+, not knowing of we would still love them or accept them.
Like pp, we've always said "boyfriend or girlfriend" and discussed issues such as same sex marriage being legalised as a really positive thing. I still think it can be nerve wracking for a young person to come out. Personally I would just come out and say directly to them (or send a text) that "btw after reading a recent social media post I just wanted to let you that we love you and whether you are gay or bi or straight we will always love you and see you just the same. I know that not all teens know that their parents would still love and accept them so I wanted to make sure you knew we would. You don't have to tell me your sexuality but if you ever do, know you will have instant acceptance and our constant support". Or something like that. Anyway, best of luck to you both.

I wouldn’t say anything specifically about her because it is a sort of confirm or deny scenario. I would when the time was ok such as a lesbian couple was on tv say I’m glad people can be together as a same sex couple now not like when I was young sort of thing. I am straight but had a workmate who was a lesbian and I used to go out with her and her mates sometimes so DS knew it was all good.

There is absolutely no link between sexuality and SEN. I find it odd that you’ve even mentioned it? Like it’s some sort of consequence of being ND.

This is also really important. Use terms like “partner” or when you have a “boyfriend or girlfriend” from a really young age. I think some people still frown upon this as they see it as “pushing” homosexuality onto children but they will be gay regardless, it isn’t a choice! They just won’t have as much self loathing as children from families where heterosexuality is the norm and enforced.

@Combattingthemoaners

https://www.thebraincharity.org.uk/lgbtqia-neurodiversity-neurodivergent-lgbtq/

Happy to stand corrected! Thanks for the article, will have a good read.

However, a recent Cambridge University study found autistic people might be three times more likely to identify as trans, while another study found neurodivergent individuals were 8 times as likely to be .

Nothing* *about a higher incidence of same-sex relationships, though.

I had the same issue with DS, now 23, I had talked around the issue for years letting him know it was fine and I also had some very close gay friends.
When he was 16 and in the car, we were again talking around the issue when I said are we going to address the elephant sitting in the back seat?
We both started to laugh and acknowledge that we both knew the other knew but hadn't actually spoke about it. It's now a really nice memory and I think we were both glad to get it out in the open.

‘Unfortunately "normal" in our society still means straight. I worry the impact on her life if she would enter a lesbian relationship for example and wants children, the whisper, the scrutiny, the judgement’

being gay is normal for many, and society is beginning to realise this. I am gay and I had kids with DP. I know lots of gay women who have had kids with their wives/partners.

I have always been out and open /!: quite frankly if there is ‘the whisper’ I would ignore it. And I don’t give a flying fuck who may or may not judge me- I don’t have these people in my life and don’t care about their opinion!
Just as any straight person who is divorced wouldn’t care about the opinion of someone who thought that was wrong, or any straight person who is in a mixed race relationship wouldn’t care about the opinion of racists or any straight person in an interfaith marriage wouldn’t care…

you get the idea. If she’s gay then she’s gay… will get on with it and not give a monkeys about what anyone else thinks about it. The most important thing is her parents don’t care. When you have the love and acceptance and support of your family the outside world matters very little…

@Shabooboogaloo Who made the comment you quoted at the beginning?