to gently let my DD know that it's okay by me if she's gay?

[Anindexoftheliesihavetold]

I have NC for this

DD is 16. She's had some low level struggles with her emotional wellbeing for a few years. Over that time we've gone from thinking it's shyness, low mood, the perils of adolescence, social media, social anxiety, neurodiversity, etc etc. She's had some therapeutic interventions with some degree of success. Now she's started 6th form she's definitely in a better place, although anxiety over the next steps after school is high. We have told her that we will be fully supportive of a gap year while she works out which direction she wants to take.

Anyway. She's never had any interest in boys, and some of the walls in her room are covered in a selection of 4 or 5 females artists' photos. She pretty much only listens to female artists. A couple of years ago she had a friendship with this girl, and I found out indirectly that they were 'together', as the mother of a common friend of both saw something on social media. I never said anything to my DD about it.

Her dad and I are of the belief that people's sexual preferences are their business and their business only, and that 'coming out' is a peculiar concept in itself. However, I have started to believe that perhaps getting this out in the open at home and letting DD know that we are completely supportive of who she is and that we sort of 'know' and we're fine with it, might alleviate some of her anxiety over who she is. But I also worry that this is none of my business and I'd be stepping over boundaries.

Please don't be too harsh, I genuinely don't know if I am getting this wrong, but I want advice as I want to get it right. Thanks.

The problem is, and I do similar to you, is it's a weird thing to start doing at 16 without it feeling pointed.

Op is go with a more open and general "now you're getting older, if you ever want to bring anyone special home to meet us, boy or girl, we'd love to meet them"

Because as a society they still do have to. Which yes obviously is ridiculous. I'd hope my boys would just come home and be like there's a boy I really like at school Mom, how do I ask him to prom? Mom Steve asked if I can go to the movies Saturday, do I have to take anything on a date?

But if they don't ever talk about it because it's never come up and they don't really mix with other families etc she might just not know for sure, because teenagers are bags of insecurity wrapped up in a need to be loved and accepted.

Yes I agree with the 'now you're getting older if you ever want to bring a boyfriend or girlfriend home for dinner then they'd be very welcome' type thing.

Thank you. You've all been so kind and have offered really good feedback and advice. I guess we sort of missed the boat to have general conversations about gay marriage, etc, and my DD smells bullshit from miles away. If I start now she'll give me her raised brow that translates into 'really, mum??' However, the idea of that movie @chrispychilli has suggested might work. I'll have to bribe DD with sweets and snacks or there's no chance she'll sit with her father and I to watch anything!

I think it's helpful - especially if your child is anxious, that you are pretty explicit about this. DD gave me the opportunity to chat with her about this a few years ago (turned out she was wrestling with some complex feelings). In the course of the conversation I told her that for starters she has no obligation to tell us everything about her private life, but our love and support wasn't conditional or has any expectations. What we want for her is a partner who she loves and who treats her with kindness love and respect. We talked about the hetero normative narrative - under representation of same sex relationships in books/TV etc which can make it harder for young people to see themselves reflected etc and to talk about their feelings. Plus parents don't always respond as you might fear, more are accepting than not but they may be anxious about how being gay will be for you - especially if they have little experience themselves.

Erm no … I know my daughter, and I know the context. Don’t be projecting your own issues, the world does not revolve around you.

Love it or list it have a lesbian couple on it this series. If you watch any TV together you could watch that episode as a possible conversation starter. Or any similar program where the relationship isn’t the focus, it is just there in the background.

A lot of teens feel awkward taking to their parents about relationships and as a society we are still very much heterosexual oriented (due to percentages), which adds on to that. So combined she just feels a bit uncomfortable with the topic.

I’m joining the very small number of people telling you just to have a gentle conversation and tell her it’s OK with you . Hopefully she will just say ‘yes Mum I know’ .

Bigotry is still alive and well in this world and I would not risk my child being in any doubt of my 100% support .

Erm yeah, my parents thought they knew me and the context too... Just trying to educate you, never said the world revolved around me (or the millions of other CF people)

@Anindexoftheliesihavetold Im in a similar position with my DD15 and have been trying to make sure she knows that whatever her sexuality is it's fine with me. She's autistic and has ADHD though and isn't very good at picking up on subtleties.

I wouldn't say anything because it can pressurise them either way.

My dd has been telling me for several years that she won't be getting married to a man and won't have children. She's early 20s now.
At Christmas she had a new niece, and she commented "don't expect me to have the next one, I'm going to stick with my career until I'm in my 30s". Which was a total turn around to even admit the possibility that she might one day have children.
And now I've noticed that a certain boy's name is coming up very frequently, and she's doing an awful lot with him, and he's taking a lot of time to "help" her. I don't know there's a relationship developing there, but I have my suspicions. I will wait for her to say something if it is.

I've always said I don't care who it is as long as my dc are happy and safe. And that's the position where I will stay.

Sorry I missed my point: I think if I'd had a conversation with her about it being okay if she was gay, then she'd feel more awkward about having a boy friend, as though it was making a big thing about it. That's my dd though.

No, definitely don’t watch All of Us Strangers with a sensitive teenager in order to get her to realise you’re fine with her sexuality — it’s brilliant, but gut-wrenchingly sad, and while the main character tells his parents things have moved on since their AIDS-era ideas about gayness, the two gay characters are both profoundly isolated, and even leaving aside the ending, Paul Mescal’s character is isolated from his family. But mostly it’s just terribly, terribly sad. The entire cinema was in tears when I saw it.

What about something like Booksmart (on Netflix, I think?)

Or Modern Family? Cam is hilarious and best character ever. His and Mitch’s relationship is beautiful

Her dad and I are of the belief that people's sexual preferences are their business and their business only, and that 'coming out' is a peculiar concept in itself.

In my experience when people say stuff like this they often mean well, but it's minimising how important it is for people to open up to those close to them, and to feel seen and understood.

Maybe try and unpack about what "their business and their business only" feels like in a world where to be gay was recently illegal, followed by several decades where public opinion was grudgingly like "well it's fine as long as they don't shove it in our faces", keeping people in the miserable closet. I don't think you want to be that guy, OP.

I agree with the PP who said a quick comment about now she's older she is more than welcome to invite a GF/BF round covers it fine.

@ReadingLight, thank you for that. I have looked more into the movie and you're absolutely right!

This is the approach I would have loved my parents to take, so I'd go with this one, OP.

Yes, I think that, however well-meaning, this reads like ‘I don’t see race! We’re all just people!’

I would just say something like "dd you know I love you and am proud of you. I've noticed you haven't been that interested in boys and that's fine maybe you haven't found a good one yet but if it's because you like girls I just want to tell you that makes no difference to me, gay is as good as straight honestly, I love you and want you to be happy and comfortable telling me anything you need or want to tell me"

Or you could just change your language when talking and say 'boyfriend or girlfriend' whenever you mention a relationship. She might be too old now but I've always done this when speaking to my kids and they know either is an option and either will be accepted by me.

DS is gay and is now 26. We felt from probably quite a young age that this might be the case and we were very clear from 12/13 that it is absolutely ok and that we were supportive. He did not actually come out to us until her was 20. We have subsequently asked why the delay and he tells us there was a lot he needed to get straight in his own head and also that in coming out to us it was somehow official and this meant telling grand parents uncles and aunts- not all of whom he thought would be understanding (indeed one was not). On reflection even with support this is not as easy as it sounds. The world assumes everyone is straight and you do not have to repeatedly come out to all your (even distant relatives) and tell them this.

My counsel, is relax, be clear you are an ally and supportive but just be patient.

Indeed. It's sad when lesbians get labeled as transphobic for daring to not be turned on by penis.

OP, I'd just comment positively like another poster said, about a gay couple saying "it's good gay people can actually marry now" or soemthing to that effect. And just leave it as that.

Mm, this one. We've said the same to our kids.

OP this sounds very familiar to me, including the mental health struggles and difficulties forming friendships, and i know exactly where you're coming from.

My DD is now 25 and with hindsight I wouldn't make any assumptions about your daughter's sexuality.

My DD had a similar thing at a similar age, and is now in a heterosexual sexual relationship for the last year.

The difference though between us is that we've always had close gay friendships so that was never going to be any issue.

In your shoes I would just gently ask her if there is anyone special boy or girl. Keep it casual. No big thing.

I don't think I'd say anything, I wish we didn't expect people to 'come out', no one announces they're straight why should it be announced that they're gay? It's not a big deal to you and rightly so, so just carry on being mum and if she wants to tell you she will.

But if OP has never made it clear that she would be happy if her child is gay, how is the child supposed to know that? The fact is that it is a big deal to a lot of people, there are still stories every day of young people being mistreated by their families for being gay. We don’t live in a magical world where there is no homophobia.