Meeting daughter's boyfriend- what's the etiquette here?

[tiredmama23]

Probably a daft question but this is new territory for me. My 17 year old DD has been dating a guy since just before Christmas, so only a couple months, and wants me to meet him. Apparently he's quite keen to meet me too. I've agreed to go for tea this evening with them both (with my DH, DD's stepdad, and her younger sister). What's the etiquette? Do we offer to pay for him? I think yes, DH thinks no because he's an adult man with a well paid job?) However since he's only 18 I'm still seeing him as a child and thinking we should pay?

We aren't rolling in cash this month so I see DH's point, but I'd feel a bit tight to not pay for him? But then if he's having a lot to drink then I don't want to end up with that bill 🤦🏼‍♀️

Thoughts? How would you play this?

What, you're going to count per drink then make DD and her boyfriend add their own, what, tenner or whatever?

How miserable is that?! Just pay for bloody dinner.

@LBFseBrom
Don't know where you live but the understanding of 'tea' is very regional . It's our main evening meal in the midlands and we absolutely would drink alcohol.

Interesting perception @Mama1209 would you have the same response if the OP had a DS introducing his GF?

I think you reached the right decision, OP, including setting any expectations re drinks from the outset. It would have been really weird for you to pay for everyone except the boyfriend... not sure what your DH was thinking of tbh!

My dd's boyfriend always offers to pay but we never let him. He's very respectful though, and wouldn't ever take the piss.

I hope that the meeting goes well!

Definitely pay, especially since it was your daughter’s idea to go out for a meal. He might not be aware of the conversation behind it and think you’ve invited him out and then expect him to pay.

Of course, if he goes overboard with drinks/food you can say you’ll cover his main meal but not drinks or extras. In that case, you shouldn’t care about coming across as unreasonable as he would have behaved rudely by trying to take advantage of your generosity.

Imagine the actual scenario at the table

DH - ‘the bill is £130, DBF you had the Big Monster Burger with fries and a pint. Let me just get my calculator out and work out what you owe. I’ll add on 15% for a tip shall I?’

NOOOOOOO! The whole thing sounds awkward enough.

😆

Young people today are totally shafted.

They can’t claim housing benefit until they are over 25. The minimum wages are
<18 £5.28
18 - 20 £7.49
21 - 22 £10.18
>23 £10.42

The idea that a 17 year old and a 23 year old doing exactly the same job in a cafe or on a shop floor are in the position that the 23 year old gets nearly double the money is insane.

That is why we always pay for our young adult children’s friends when they join us. The poor buggers are on a pittance.

I just couldn’t understand where they’ve been going for 2 months if she still lives at home? Has she met his family?

I find it hard to believe you haven't met him already, simply and casually. "Hi Jack, let me call Milly. Do you want a cup of tea while you wait? Where are you off to tonight? Do call me Julie, etc.

I can't imagine the DC's boyfriends/girlfriends ever having had a meet the family formally over a meal in a restaurant scenario. BF's and GF's always welcome here.

You missed the opportunity to invite him for tea op, therefore you and your DH should pay.

Of course you pick up the bill. Or do something you can afford, like cook or takeaway at home. What have people come to asking questions like these

I’d be horrified if my dh said he’d pay for everyone apart from the bf. It would give me the ick. Embarrassing.

So you're another one who missed the part where I explained (several times now I think) why he hasn't been to ours yet. 🤦🏼‍♀️

@Conniebygaslight
You'd understand if you'd read my previous posts 🤦🏼‍♀️

Yes we are north west and "tea" is really coming here to mean evening meal!

*really common

Are you inviting him to him tea? If you suggested it, then yes, it would be kind to pay. Alternatively, you could just go to a park and have a picnic.

Pay for him. To all those that say he is still a child, get a grip, he is a adult male therefore a man. One that works, pays tax and NI therefore an adult.

1. I've already said we are picking up the bill, quite a few hours ago now

2. we could afford this comfortably when it was organised, as I've said (several times now), we've had a few unexpected expenses this month but I don't want to cancel and let my daughter down as she's looking forward to it

3. my daughter didn't want us to meet him at home, for reasons already explained

4. Your final sentence is unnecessarily rude

I'm aghast you were ever thinking of not picking up the tab for 1 of 5 people, when that 1 person has been invited out and is 18 years old.

I even think it's weird that you'd sit there and say 'I'll buy you one beer but after that you can buy your own'.

How completely embarrassing.

@Whatsmynameagain9
You can be aghast all you like 🤷‍♀️ Your comment was still unnecessarily rude.

I said from the beginning when I posted that I'd happily pick up the full bill and that DH and I had a different view on it, hence my post. It's not a deal breaker, DH will be fine if I just say "we're paying the full bill". It was a passing comment not a deal breaking issue in the marriage.

I posted to ask about the etiquette because I've never been on this situation before, ie. my daughter has never before asked me to meet a boyfriend over tea. Hence I wanted to gauge views of those who had experienced this.

Are you aware of how much teens can drink?? The drinks bill alone would be £100 if I left a 17 and 18 year old to their own devices and agreed to pick up the tab. You can think it's weird all you want, but to me it's just boundaries and common sense when we are on a tighter than normal budget.

The etiquette is, if you invite a child out to, well anything, you pay for them. You're welcome.

If you don't like the number of drinks they cost you, you don't invite them next time.

You always choose something you can afford.

Yes, if you invite a child out I understand that the etiquette is you pay, as I've done with my DD over the past 12 or so years since shes been wanting friends to come for tea etc. But this isn't a child, it's an adult man with a job, hence why I asked? I don't see why that's so difficult to understand. I haven't been in this situation before.

Why are people so intent on being rude?

Personally I think you made a bit of a mistake here. far better to casually say hello early doors. Also you can then spot any massive red flags and help your daughter navigate them.