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AIBU?

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Original poster

Meeting daughter's boyfriend- what's the etiquette here?

454 replies

tiredmama23 · 23/02/2024 08:36

Probably a daft question but this is new territory for me. My 17 year old DD has been dating a guy since just before Christmas, so only a couple months, and wants me to meet him. Apparently he's quite keen to meet me too. I've agreed to go for tea this evening with them both (with my DH, DD's stepdad, and her younger sister). What's the etiquette? Do we offer to pay for him? I think yes, DH thinks no because he's an adult man with a well paid job?) However since he's only 18 I'm still seeing him as a child and thinking we should pay?

We aren't rolling in cash this month so I see DH's point, but I'd feel a bit tight to not pay for him? But then if he's having a lot to drink then I don't want to end up with that bill 🤦🏼‍♀️

Thoughts? How would you play this?

OP posts:
Happyher · 23/02/2024 15:22

I think you should pay. If you were all going out and one of your DD’s had brought a friend you’d pay for them?? I would speak to your DD first and say you’re happy to pay for the meal but not an excessive amount of drinks just to avoid any awkwardness

FirstTimeMum897 · 23/02/2024 15:25

What's the insistence on such a formal meeting? My dad would have told me to piss off if insisted my whole family must meet my boyfriend over a dinner out at the age of 17. He won't be in the picture in 1 year.

If he wants to swing by the house for a cup of tea, fine. Otherwise it's all a bit bizarre.

errogant · 23/02/2024 15:25

tiredmama23 · 23/02/2024 15:20

Yes, if you invite a child out I understand that the etiquette is you pay, as I've done with my DD over the past 12 or so years since shes been wanting friends to come for tea etc. But this isn't a child, it's an adult man with a job, hence why I asked? I don't see why that's so difficult to understand. I haven't been in this situation before.

Why are people so intent on being rude?

I don’t think it’s you, it’s your dh.

errogant · 23/02/2024 15:28

If it is the money your dh is objecting to, it will equal itself out in the end as I’m sure his parents will pay for your daughter.

I find it weird though how you keep saying grown man, when he is still a teenager. You make it sound as if he is 35.

FrenchandSaunders · 23/02/2024 15:30

It is a bit of a minefield when you start taking partners out. Ok if you’re loaded but not everyone can afford to pick up the whole bill every time!

Penguinmouse · 23/02/2024 15:31

errogant · 23/02/2024 15:28

If it is the money your dh is objecting to, it will equal itself out in the end as I’m sure his parents will pay for your daughter.

I find it weird though how you keep saying grown man, when he is still a teenager. You make it sound as if he is 35.

Absolutely this. He’s 18, he can’t be that well off! DH is being tight, your daughter obviously wants to get this right and it’s a pub meal, not a Michelin starred restaurant. What you would save with quibbling pounds over dinner, you’ll lose in goodwill with your daughter. Plus if it works out for them, as they get older and have a bit more cash, they will repay the favour and take you out. We’re talking about teenagers here.

Original poster
tiredmama23 · 23/02/2024 15:32

FrenchandSaunders · 23/02/2024 15:30

It is a bit of a minefield when you start taking partners out. Ok if you’re loaded but not everyone can afford to pick up the whole bill every time!

Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from! It's all new territory for me as a parent so was just curious on the usual etiquette.

OP posts:
nottojog · 23/02/2024 15:42

boomingaround · 23/02/2024 08:46

You definitely have to pay for him!! I would find it extremely odd to go out with a 17 year old family member and ask them to pay for their own meal. It would be equally odd to expect an 18 year old to pay for themselves whilst you're paying for everyone else. If you can't afford to go out for dinner then don't go or go somewhere cheap and cheerful where you can pay.

I can't believe MN sometimes!!!

It really is 😂

Imagine getting to the end of the meal and telling him his share!

And in the unlikely event he does drink 8 pints - he's probably not the one for your daughter, so at that point have him pay his share!

Antiguadreams · 23/02/2024 15:58

tiredmama23 · 23/02/2024 15:15

@Whatsmynameagain9
You can be aghast all you like 🤷‍♀️ Your comment was still unnecessarily rude.

I said from the beginning when I posted that I'd happily pick up the full bill and that DH and I had a different view on it, hence my post. It's not a deal breaker, DH will be fine if I just say "we're paying the full bill". It was a passing comment not a deal breaking issue in the marriage.

I posted to ask about the etiquette because I've never been on this situation before, ie. my daughter has never before asked me to meet a boyfriend over tea. Hence I wanted to gauge views of those who had experienced this.

It’s a bit odd you needed educating on the etiquette, it’s basic common sense

errogant · 23/02/2024 15:59

When ds went on holiday with his gf and family, they paid for dinners. When she was with us we paid. Easier and worked out well. Didn’t make anyone feel left out and we got on really well. In the end she felt like family to us.

Antiguadreams · 23/02/2024 15:59

FirstTimeMum897 · 23/02/2024 15:25

What's the insistence on such a formal meeting? My dad would have told me to piss off if insisted my whole family must meet my boyfriend over a dinner out at the age of 17. He won't be in the picture in 1 year.

If he wants to swing by the house for a cup of tea, fine. Otherwise it's all a bit bizarre.

How low is your bar that you think a meal at the beefeater is a formal meeting 😅

errogant · 23/02/2024 16:00

tiredmama23 · 23/02/2024 15:32

Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from! It's all new territory for me as a parent so was just curious on the usual etiquette.

Show quote history

Just use your instinct, no need for etiquette. 😃

Original poster
tiredmama23 · 23/02/2024 16:11

@Antiguadreams
It's not a bit "odd" at all, it's a perfectly valid question and there's no need to call people odd for using an online forum for it's intended purpose, ie to ask questions and gauge views🤷‍♀️

I find it more odd that people feel compelled to comment on a person's thread if they find it so "odd". But there we go.

OP posts:
DoYouWantToStartACultWithMe · 23/02/2024 16:13

Oh please @tiredmama23 he's not out on the lash with his mates, he's out with the in laws and likely on his best behaviour.

SaltySoo · 23/02/2024 16:14

How low is your bar that you think a meal at the beefeater is a formal meeting 😅

It's not the location that makes it formal.

Most seventeen year olds who live with their parents just introduce their boyfriends to their family casually rather than over a meal.

Original poster
tiredmama23 · 23/02/2024 16:15

Off to meet the boyfriend now! I shall report back how many jäger bombs he drinks and what proportion of the bill he offers to pay.... (joking obviously before i'm jumped on again).

Oh and I shall of course interrogate him with my list of pre-prepared questions attached to my clipboard, in the "formal" environment of the local Beefeater 😁

I'm sure he will feel part of the family in no time! 😂

OP posts:
FirstTimeMum897 · 23/02/2024 16:15

@Antiguadreams it's formal because it's a sit down meal out at a restaurant. Formal may not be the best word, maybe prescriptive or just effort? Either way the young "couple" are demanding a lot of time and effort from her parents and I find it very odd. If the young man is so eager to met her parents, he can make the effort to go to her regardless of how painful public transport may be.

CactusMactus · 23/02/2024 16:22

You pay. Your daughter and her fella will pay for you when they have big jobs and you are retired. Might not be this guy but your paying it forward...

AGoingConcern · 23/02/2024 16:27

You pay for him, and just act normally like you’re meeting any other friend of one of your children. It’s not a job interview or a negotiation.

Your DH isn’t being tight, he’s being deliberately cold and unwelcoming to send a message.

Picklestop · 23/02/2024 16:41

tiredmama23 · 23/02/2024 15:32

Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from! It's all new territory for me as a parent so was just curious on the usual etiquette.

Show quote history

It doesn’t need a lesson in etiquette surely. I cannot imagine any situation in which I would go out for dinner with five others and pay for five but leave one to pay for themselves!

Fairyliz · 23/02/2024 16:43

If you are that hard up you can’t afford to pay for one extra person at a cheapish place why are you even going out?
Invite him around your house for tea.

LovelyTheresa · 23/02/2024 16:48

Your DH is being a tightwad, I'm afraid. I think you need to offer to pay, I always think it is weird when older people don't at least offer to pay for younger ones. DH has an aunt an uncle who are a bit shy about getting their wallet out, and it always makes me raise my eyebrows a little (to be clear, we don't take the piss and expect them to pay every time or anything, but we do notice it!)

Zodd96 · 23/02/2024 16:49

It really depends do you go out often with your daughter and does she pay for herself? If she does then you don't have to but your paying for everyone but him then it might seem like your excluding him. Also if you want to be nice buy him a drink or state I am a bit tight for money this month so I will happily pay fro your meal but can't afford much else that way if he drinks then its on him. Also if his a keeper like your daughter makes him out to be then he will pay the bill not that he should but I don't think he should be the only one paying his bill outside of the fsmily unless he insists too. You could also contact your daughters dad and see if his willing to go 50/50 on his bill as a welcome to the family plenty of options for you to use or just order a Chinese and have him round your house that way your not really paying for him but your going to have rice and noodles so just add an extra plate into the mix

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 23/02/2024 16:49

I think the formality or otherwise feeling depends on whether you as a family eat out regularly or not. DS asked if he could bring his GF when we went out for a curry one Friday . Nothing formal about it .

crumblingschools · 23/02/2024 16:52

For those of you in your 30s etc and whose parents pay for you, do you never treat your parents to a meal? Invite them somewhere and then pay