Meeting daughter's boyfriend- what's the etiquette here?

[tiredmama23]

Probably a daft question but this is new territory for me. My 17 year old DD has been dating a guy since just before Christmas, so only a couple months, and wants me to meet him. Apparently he's quite keen to meet me too. I've agreed to go for tea this evening with them both (with my DH, DD's stepdad, and her younger sister). What's the etiquette? Do we offer to pay for him? I think yes, DH thinks no because he's an adult man with a well paid job?) However since he's only 18 I'm still seeing him as a child and thinking we should pay?

We aren't rolling in cash this month so I see DH's point, but I'd feel a bit tight to not pay for him? But then if he's having a lot to drink then I don't want to end up with that bill 🤦🏼‍♀️

Thoughts? How would you play this?

@Amberjane41
You missed my update then? Where I clearly stated I'm overruling DH on this and we are paying for him. Calm down.

Yup, this is my plan.

Crikey I did not that! I had a full time proper paying job at sixteen back in the 70s. No wonder we seemed so much more grown up then.

Why did you refuse to meet the boy your DD is dating?

Yes I did see it. Where you begrudgingly accepted you would buy him a burger with the stipulation you didn’t want to buy any drinks as didn’t want him getting pissed up on your expense? Seems a pretty shitty assumption to make before you’ve even met the lad.

I would also be taking a long hard look at my ‘DH’ if he could be so mean to his stepdaughter. Would he be acting the same if she were his biological daughter?

maybe show him this thread so that he can see after 8/9 pages of replies that it’s been unanimously agreed that he was being utterly unreasonable and maybe he’ll take a look at himself for even suggesting it. I can’t believe you even questioned it tbh

How very convivial of you. So OP her husband, daughter and her bf are all paying for themselves? I guess they could ask the waiter to hand out four separate bills to minimise getting the calculator out.

I also thought this was odd. Surely OP has made this into a weird big thing by this earlier reaction. My dd just bought her boyfriend over early on to hang out so we met him like any other friend coming round. Meeting them in some odd formal occasion seems so much pressure on everyone.

What can you afford? Is it a stretch to pay for his? I’d say yes pay his meal
Whatever you chose be explicit prior to meal that is the deal eg you tell her you’ll get it. So no scene or embarrassment on the day

Either DD and boyfriend pay for themselves or you pay the lot. You can’t pay for DD and not him, that would be mean. I couldn’t imagine my parents not picking up the tab for everyone in this situation.

he's only a kid! just pay for him. it's going to be so odd and cringey asking him to pay his own bill

I would pay-it would be cringe to make him pay for his own food. Your daughter is obviously proud of her family if it’s important to her you should meet him so it would be mean spirited to do this. If I couldn’t afford it, I’d tell my dd that I couldn’t afford a group meal out but it would be great if he came round to supper or Sunday Lunch with you all.

Either you invite him to your house for a family meal together instead, or you pay for him on this planned outing. Not to do so - when apparently it was your DD who invited him - would be weird and very unwelcoming / rude. It is unreasonable to expect him to pay for everyone and just plain mean to expect him to pay for himself when you are paying for everyone else.

But has she thought through who will pay? Or is she expecting you to pay for her and her BF?

I think it sounds a bit grabby of her to have asked for dinner out, rather than offer to have the meeting over a cup of tea at home.

In any case, I'd pay for the BF but I'd hope he at leady offers or brings flowers or something.

@Conniebygaslight
She'd known him 2 weeks. I said I'd meet him when it was bit longer term, ie at least a couple months. I didn't refuse, I said let's see if you're still dating in a few months and then I will. Hence this evening.

This is exactly what I would do. It would be so petty not to. Whenever we go out with our kids and their partners we always pay. It’s never assumed on their part, and they always try and pay, but we like to treat them. We only go out for meals every couple of months so it’s not every week.

@Amberjane41

It wasn't begrudgingly at all, you're just literally making stuff up? So odd.

And no of course I'm not paying for 2 teenagers to get drunk when we are on a tight budget. If they want to do that, they can pay for themselves. I'll happily pay for the meal and one drink as I've said.

Where is DH being "mean to his stepdaughter"? What an odd assumption to make. He's been in her life for 10 years and has always been an excellent stepfather to her. I explained why he might be more worried about money this month if you'd bothered to read any of my previous posts.

I honestly think you're projecting for some reason and making things up as a result, which do not apply to our family.

I can't get over your lack of curiosity / interest. My kids are not quite teens so we haven't had this yet but I can't help but be pleased if I'm asked to give my child a lift with a new secondary school friend because I want to know what they are like. I can't imagine 5 short years from now just not being bothered about meeting their first serious boyfriend or girlfriend.

I would pay for him too. Play it by ear though.

Pay for everyone. I think your DH is wrong and it just comes across as tight. Imagine how awkward it will be when the bill arrives if you pay 80% of it and he has to fork out for the remainder. I highly doubt he's going to start ordering expensive drinks and the most expensive meal when meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time.

It all sounds very formal. Can't he just pop round for a cup of tea? But if you are going out, then yes 100% you should pay for him.

My Parents always pay too and we are in our 40s with multiple children! They wouldn’t dream of having their (adult) children pay for them! I thought
parents always tended to pay, no matter your age!

@tiredmama23

I didn’t say you should pay for drinks it was the assumption I was referring to when you had nothing to base that on

Not projecting in the slightest. I genuinely feel empathy for your daughter. Seems she’s gone to a lot of effort to get you to meet and I just think it’s mean to even contemplate paying for everyone else’s meal and not his. Particularly seeing as you’ve now mentioned the fact that she stays over his parents house regularly.

Sounds like she has met a lovely lad. Who is 18, obviously has a good work ethic if he has a good job already and is keen to meet his girlfriends family. I’m sure she is hoping that you all like each other and is really nervous. How embarrassed would she be if he had to sit there when the bill came and pay for his own food.

I really hope now that at the dinner tonight the boyfriend just quietly pays for it all. That would be amazing after this thread 🤣

Good luck tonight and I hope it goes well for you all. Please keep us updated and let us know how it goes 😊

It's not lack of curiosity or interest and I take issue with that actually. Of course I am interested in my children's lives. However I don't need to meet a guy my daughter has known for a couple weeks who she may not even stay with. A couple of months is fine. In the meantime, I've had many conversations with her about him and shown interest in other ways.

Of course you pay.

If you and your DH are covering the bill for everyone except him that would look horribly rude. Welcome to the family, lets start by singling you out is a bit awkward. Wouldn't it be more relaxed to meet at a pub or cafe for a quick lunchtime panini, then people can pay for their own drinks or you can get a round in each if the cost is a concern.

That is so cringe! Is she meant to hand him the card reader at the end and leave him to pay his own share?

Just pay for the one extra person.