Meeting daughter's boyfriend- what's the etiquette here?

[tiredmama23]

Probably a daft question but this is new territory for me. My 17 year old DD has been dating a guy since just before Christmas, so only a couple months, and wants me to meet him. Apparently he's quite keen to meet me too. I've agreed to go for tea this evening with them both (with my DH, DD's stepdad, and her younger sister). What's the etiquette? Do we offer to pay for him? I think yes, DH thinks no because he's an adult man with a well paid job?) However since he's only 18 I'm still seeing him as a child and thinking we should pay?

We aren't rolling in cash this month so I see DH's point, but I'd feel a bit tight to not pay for him? But then if he's having a lot to drink then I don't want to end up with that bill 🤦🏼‍♀️

Thoughts? How would you play this?

If you usually pay for your daughter when you as a family are going out for a meal, then I would pay for him too, he has been invited to join you all for a meal so in my mind he is your guest - so you pay.

If you are lucky he might bring you a bunch of flowers as a hello / thank you

I would expect him to offer, and you to refuse. If you can't afford a Beefeater tea for one extra, invite him round to yours.

I'd pay, he's only 18. For food only mind and one drink. I'd not be paying for multiple drinks just say youl pay for the food only to your dd and to let him know.

How can he be having an adult well-paid job aged 18? That doesn't even make sense, the min wage for that age group is something like £4.20 an hour and he won't have had time to have a professional job at 18, will he?

Our society doesn't allow 18 year olds to be grown men and women because it doesn't pay them a living wage. The min wage doesn't kick in til 25, and that's because it's hoped that we will all just keep forking out for under 25's to live with us and pay for them.

I think the living wage should apply aged 18.

I think it is great that her family is important to her and that she wants any partner to understand this. I would want to encourage this going forwards for any future relationships so be proving to her it is the right thing to do.

I think it would be quite mean to pay for 4 people at the table and not the fifth. Maybe in the future your DD or her boyfriend can pay for themselves as a couple, but first meeting if you are paying for your DD then yes I think you should pay for him.

This seems like the most reasonable option. It would be quite cruel to just pay for everyone's meal while your DD's boyfriend has to pay for his own separately - talk about making him feel singled out. I'm not sure your DH is being a tightarse either. Do you think he's just being a bit weird about your DD dating? Refusing to pay for the boyfriend's meal, when it's only a burger/chips and you can afford it, but paying for everyone else's seems a bit like a power move tbh. I would understand if everyone was splitting the bill but if it's only going to end up as one person who has to pay for their own food then that's just really mean, sorry.

Obviously he could be on more but NMW for an 18yr old is only £7.49...
I'd say just pay for him - presumably you'd be paying for the other 4 of you anyway so one more isn't going to make that much difference

There’s a lot of noise here about a 17 year old drinking alcohol.

Alcohol is legally allowed to be served from the age of 14 in a pub or a restaurant, alongside a meal, and supervised by a parent/guardian.

am baffled by those continuing to go on about what this lad might earn as it really doesn’t matter

He was invited to the meal, it would be so ridiculously unreasonable to sit there and pay for everyone else’s and expect him to cover his food.

Also I’m surprised so many on here find a meal out weird, but then again as a family growing up we’d eat out a couple of times a week so it was normal to go out for tea and then it was the easiest way to introduce BFs/GFs over the years

Is he being weird about her dating, or is he happier to be tight because it is his stepdaughter? Wonder if he would be more understanding about creating a good impression, being welcoming and encouraging her to be open about who she is seeing if it were his biological daughter?

I think she sounds pretty serious about him, so think about it that way.... potentially he could end up being your SIL!

My Mum and Dad met at that age, and her family weren't very welcoming to him (from a place a couple of hours away, was in the forces, etc. which worried them a bit.) It took them a long time to warm to him. They've been married 52 years now.

So, I'd say that, given your limitations, the plan to pay for food, and an initial drink sounds proportionate. If he's working, he'll probably offer to pay for at least something - maybe the drinks/tip? I know that my boyfriends at that age were students, like me, and none of us had much cash - but my folks were always keen to make them welcome. I think that's the main message here. Make him feel welcomed into your family. He may not last, or she may marry him (or anything in between!)

Gosh I think everyone in the family is overthinking this, it's just a teenage boyfriend! I literally just met my DD's new boyfriend, they've been "official" for 2 days! 😂He stopped by our house with a friend after having pre-drinks, now they've all gone out clubbing together. I was sitting on the lounge with the dogs, watching Miss Congeniality. 😂

As for your original question, I'm glad you've overriden your DH, how completely awful it would be to make the kid pay, when you'll be already paying for everyone else.

😂

I might write some of these questions down and take a clipboard too to make a note of his answers 😇😂😂

Is he not allowed to come to your house?

All my DS’s girlfriends just came to the house.

Yes he's allowed to the house - I've already covered this. For a combination of reasons including practical logistics (he lives a good few towns away and public transport is a pain, he doesn't drive yet), and the fact that DD feels a bit embarrassed about the house which in part resembles a building site currently due to ongoing work, he hasn't been here yet. DD stays over at his parents house when they spend time together.

I see. Enjoy your tea. Hope you like him.

If you pay for the food and he doesn’t offer to buy a round of drinks you know he’s not a keeper too! I personally wouldn’t take him up on the offer but a working 18 year old, I would at least expect an offer.

OP another vote for paying for him

and also, I know you don’t wanna rush into meeting every boyfriend, girlfriend but I’d be so curious to who my DD was spending time with I couldn’t leave it two months 🙈

If you are going to have dinner out, definitely pay for a guest who is your daughters age!

If you don’t want to pay for dinner, then suggest a coffee instead, or why can’t you invite him to dinner at your house?

I would find it shocking if the 18yo lad was asked to pay. He might offer to pay himself, but you should definitely not ask!

How does his family treat your daughter when she is at their place!? Do they feed her? Do they pay for her if eating out!?

This is a very good question!! She stays over at his parents house??!! So I assume they feed her, let her make a cup of tea, use the bathroom yet your DH doesn’t want to buy him a burger!!! Wtaf!! This just gets worse 🙈🤣

She hasn't been out for tea with them as a family yet. When she stays over by her account they just order takeaways (which they pay for themselves).

She's told me lots about him and she's also walked around the house a few times on FaceTime to him saying "say hi to my mum" etc, with me waving in the background and saying hello. So I've "met" him via a few brief hellos on FaceTime whilst washing up, if that counts 😂 Just not in person yet.

I agree. Pay for the lad's burger.

Particularly as it seems now the OPs daughter is sleeping over there regularly, presumingly being welcomed and using their facilities etc and the stepdad doesn’t want to buy this poor lad his tea. Worse but single him out and cause embarrassment when the bill comes in so he has to pay for his own while everyone else’s is paid for.

If I were this lads mum and he came home and told me that I would be savage!!

OP do your daughter a favour and come up with a reason to cancel. Your poor daughter had far more than the scaffolding on your house to be embarrassed about in this scenario!

I would pay for everyone. However if BF offers to contribute his share, I'd thank him but say no we are paying and chalk up as a positive that he was polite and offered.