Meeting daughter's boyfriend- what's the etiquette here?

[tiredmama23]

Probably a daft question but this is new territory for me. My 17 year old DD has been dating a guy since just before Christmas, so only a couple months, and wants me to meet him. Apparently he's quite keen to meet me too. I've agreed to go for tea this evening with them both (with my DH, DD's stepdad, and her younger sister). What's the etiquette? Do we offer to pay for him? I think yes, DH thinks no because he's an adult man with a well paid job?) However since he's only 18 I'm still seeing him as a child and thinking we should pay?

We aren't rolling in cash this month so I see DH's point, but I'd feel a bit tight to not pay for him? But then if he's having a lot to drink then I don't want to end up with that bill 🤦🏼‍♀️

Thoughts? How would you play this?

I would assume it’s. ‘Special occasion’ and offer to pay. He may not let you. I would normally suggest eating at home to save the situation again. (Ie Don’t set a precedent of eating out)

I think it would be a nice welcoming thing to do to pay for him if you can. On the other hand I generally follow the rule of whoever issued the invitation pays.

In your situation I'd just ask your DD what she'd like to happen. They may have put the money aside and want to be 'grown up' and pay as they suggested the meal. On the other hand she may see it more as a family meal her BF is being invited to and would like you to pay.

Your husband is being a tight arse,.not a quality l appreciate. How is he going to play it when the bill comes, say l am paying for my family and you "John/Fred".pay your own,.welcome to the family. I am sure that your daughters will appreciate that.

Ah thank you. We are very close 🩷
I'm so pleased she's found herself a good one!

An 18 year old is honestly a baby. Why does your DH think a teenager is a "grown man" but your DD isn't and he'll pay for her? Feels like a sexist attitude.

You should obviously pay for him!!

My kids aren’t anywhere near that age. But I wouldn’t pay for him or DD. You’re essentially two couples out for dinner. DD’s BF should pay for him and her, you and DH pay separately from them.

No, except for Mother's Day and Father's Day.

If it's a pub restaurant type place where you pay at the bar or via the app upfront, then buy a main course and a drink, if he wants more drinks he can buy his own, we would rarely buy more than one drink at that sort of place

Pay or if you can’t afford it dinner at home

This blown my mind.. if somebody comes out with my family, I/ we pay. They can offer, but we would decline. We don’t go out all the time and when we do, it’s our expense and our choice. When my dd invites people, I’d never want them to feel obligated to pay, if the invitation was ours.

Dd1’s boyfriend is 20 this year. He earns more than I do and lives with his mum. He probably has more disposable income than we do as a family, but I still always offer to pay for him when we go out.

Delighted it all went well. You were 💯 correct to hold off meeting him.

Of course you have to pay.

But I think you are potentially overstressing about the drinks bit. He has suggested an early meal at a family restaurant suitable for your 3yo DD. I think he probably gets it. But, if you are worried I think it is perfectly ok to say to your daughter it would be lovely, you will pay and that you are happy to by one alcoholic drink, but because she is only 17 you are uncomfortable buying them more than one drink and can she let her BF know in advance so it doesn't get awkward.

Sry - saw you updated and it went well. Great to hear!

How ever the evening came about, it will look like an invite to the 18 year old. I am sure he will be expecting you or your family to pick up the bill. Do you want him to think you are too mean to pay for a burger and chips? I certainly wouldn’t pass on any message that he must pay for his own alcohol! What message does that send out? He might offer to buy a round, which would be charming, but he might not. He can hardly run up a bar bill and charge it to you! And if he has the cheek to do that, or drink any more than you have offered, that is a massive red flag for your daughter.
Remember your DD wants her boyfriend to like you as much as she wants you all to like him. So don’t embarrass her by quibbling over the bill.

Awesome it went well. I used to find meeting my first boyfriend(s) families a bit intimidating at first. They felt the same but it all went fine within minutes. They don't need to love you, just start to like you.

It would have been far better to just meet for a coffee then first time. If you pay for everyone else you can't expect him to pay for himself. If he offers just refuse to let him. I expect his parents will treat your DD.

I would buy his food. You mentioned being worried about how much he might drink....at a family meal, if he drinks too much the first time he meets you all I'd be more worried about that to be honest than the cost.

So you go out with your DDs and the Boyfriend and pay… sounds like your husband is a bit of a tight arse so leave him at home!!!

So you go out with your DDs and the Boyfriend and pay… sounds like your husband is a bit of a tight arse so leave him at home!!!

She's not a time traveller though.

And even if she was the dd wanted the whole family to go.

It was more a tongue in cheek response… I had already read the OP had paid for the lad

Exactly, once I got to 30 I would of never let my parents pay, and my sons ( they are quite well off) would never let me pay, but if they were struggling I think I’d pay.

It seems like a very formal first meet up.

I would pay for everyone's meal and also make sure there was a jug of iced water and glasses for every one.
I would give your daughter a heads up that everyone pays for their own drinks.

From then on I would have him over for a regular family meal -unless you are going out for birthday celebrations etc..

If you're happy to pay and can afford it then do so as it is good etiquette and should show your DD and her boyfriend the right way to do things.
Ask yourself if it was the other way around, and DD was going for a meal with his parents, would you expect them to pay?

Pay for him. It won't be that much more.