Meeting daughter's boyfriend- what's the etiquette here?

[tiredmama23]

Probably a daft question but this is new territory for me. My 17 year old DD has been dating a guy since just before Christmas, so only a couple months, and wants me to meet him. Apparently he's quite keen to meet me too. I've agreed to go for tea this evening with them both (with my DH, DD's stepdad, and her younger sister). What's the etiquette? Do we offer to pay for him? I think yes, DH thinks no because he's an adult man with a well paid job?) However since he's only 18 I'm still seeing him as a child and thinking we should pay?

We aren't rolling in cash this month so I see DH's point, but I'd feel a bit tight to not pay for him? But then if he's having a lot to drink then I don't want to end up with that bill 🤦🏼‍♀️

Thoughts? How would you play this?

'I've since updated that we had a lovely time and very much warmed to the lad, and am very happy with my daughter's choice of boyfriend.'

Yes you did and it is indeed lovely that you came to this decision. Going forward tell your dh not to overthink things so much. You take your kids out for food, you pay and yes that includes for their guests too.

How weird! Has she not had a bf before? My 17 year old had a gf for 2.5 years and she was at our house almost every weekend/ he was at theirs almost every evening after school and now he has a new one who has been almost every weekend as well. He has friends round all the time/ goes to friends houses all the time though so it was quite normal for us to have random teenagers round all the time. They also eat with us when they come round or sit and watch tv

@jersey2021
Nope, not going there again🤦🏼‍♀️

There are (several hundred) previous posts answering your questions if you could kindly read them before commenting. 😀

'So why are you banging on (and on)'

Also, I've posted what 5 times? (now 6). On a 303 post thread I'm not the one banging on and on here..

@@tiredmama23
So glad it went well!

I wish people would read the thread before jumping up and down on OP like demented fleas.

It makes me wonder if some people come here just looking to do some virtual bullying.

Well done OP for not virtually strangling some of the posters here. 😂

@graceinspace999 😂😂

Demented fleas made me smile 😂

I would also reassure your dd building work may be an inconvenience but it's nothing to be embarrassed about. Surely living areas and bedrooms are still comfortable?
After 2 months they should be taking turns with the taxi trips and he should be as relaxed at yours as she is at his.

The thing that I find increasingly amusing (but not in a good way necessarily) is how so many MN threads go the way of this one these days. The OP has asked for advice on an etiquette question. Fairly simple answer as it turns out. But so many posters have jumped on irrelevant aspects to take a swipe of two at the OP. "Why not dinner at home?" "Why haven't you met him before." "I always do XYZ." "The building works don't matter." Add to all that the many people who didn't even bother to read the OP's updates before posting, and it gets really tiresome.

Hint: for those of you who don't know, you can click "see all" to find out if the OP has updated.

Definitely pay. Alot of you and one of him. It sends a nice, inviting message.

If he was coming to your place for dinner as a guest you wouldn't expect him to pay.

I suggest you pay for his dinner at the burger place but if it looks like he's going to be drinking then suggest to him he buys his own drinks at the bar.

This sounds a bit full on for the poor bloke. Having to meet everyone at once after only 2 months. My teen daughter was serious about her boyfriend too, convinced they were going to get married in the future after college, blah blah blah. They broke up last month as she then decided she didn't want a committed relationship right now after all so personally I would take this with a grain of salt. Saying all that I did meet him informally at first (at swim meets) and then he came over to our house. We did not do the dinner out thing until after a couple more months.

I think it would be really embarrassing to make him pay for himself especially if it's just a burger etc, it makes you look really petty. If you can't afford it just invite him round and keep it relaxed. Doesn't need to be a big formal thing, in my day you naturally met the parents at the house when they got the door etc and it grew from there.

I would pay

I’d pay for him, definitely. And I I think I would pay for both even if they were a few years over. It’s just friendly and generous and how we do it in our family. By all means let one or both of them get a round in.

I wonder if this is a dad reaction? Does he consider his daughter "a grown woman"?

I don’t think the adult / child comes into it really I can’t see how you pay for 4 people but make person pay for there own meal without it all being weird either you pay it all or they as a couple pay for themselves

My parents have always covered meals if we go out (I'm in my mid 20s) whenever I've brought a partner to dinner; all my partner's have always offered to pay but its very occasional my parents would take them up on it. I've been with my current partner almost 2 years and he has taken us all out for dinner a few times now. However, if you can't afford to cover all the meals, I would suggest saying no you can't afford it to your daughter and suggest eating at home, as others have said. Your daughter may offer to cover her and his dinners, as she's invited him. It doesn't sound like he suggested going to dinner so I wouldn't expect him to cover his dinner.

I can't work out how to delete my comment , as I see you've been now, so please just ignore the above before you pounce on me too.

Pleased you had a good time, and that your Daughter wanted you to meet him, rather than hide him away - sounds a lovely Mother/Daughter bond.
Just an aside....my brother and I are in our 50s and my Dad still pays for us and our spouses, unless we hot foot it to the till whilst he's at the loo!!😂

Don't they go round each other's houses and meet families naturally anymore? Never remember big formal introductions, just oh this is ........, we're going to the pub etc.

To add yes would pay for everyone, but it doesn't have to be a fancy restaurant, though most meals anywhere now aren't cheap. X

I had this same situation recently, but it’s obvious when reversed. If she was out with his family and was expected to pay for her own meal- you’d be annoyed, right? That’s your answer, and I was glad I thought of it that way.

I'm glad it went well!! Definitely the right decision to cover his burger and chips, it would have seemed quite inhospitable to make him pay for his own.

I would definitely pay. It would be really rude to expect him to pay for himself. If that had happened to me when I met my husband’s family I would have judged them very poorly. It’s fine to change the arrangement to go out for a glass of wine or a beer or have them round to your house for tea/ coffee or sandwiches if you can’t afford it though. Just as long as you are seen to be hosting in whatever manner you can afford and are comfortable with

DD2 B/F we met last summer, and DD1 B/F we met couple of weeks ago. We paid for the meal.