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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meeting daughter's boyfriend- what's the etiquette here?

454 replies

tiredmama23 · 23/02/2024 08:36

Probably a daft question but this is new territory for me. My 17 year old DD has been dating a guy since just before Christmas, so only a couple months, and wants me to meet him. Apparently he's quite keen to meet me too. I've agreed to go for tea this evening with them both (with my DH, DD's stepdad, and her younger sister). What's the etiquette? Do we offer to pay for him? I think yes, DH thinks no because he's an adult man with a well paid job?) However since he's only 18 I'm still seeing him as a child and thinking we should pay?

We aren't rolling in cash this month so I see DH's point, but I'd feel a bit tight to not pay for him? But then if he's having a lot to drink then I don't want to end up with that bill 🤦🏼‍♀️

Thoughts? How would you play this?

OP posts:
willWillSmithsmith · 23/02/2024 16:57

Personally I think going out for a meal to meet for the first time is something that would have filled me with horror as a teen. I’d have found it mortifying whether it was my family or the family I was meeting.

MelCakey · 23/02/2024 17:00

18 is not really a "grown man" is it... He's your DD's boyfriend meeting her family for the first time.

I'd pay for him! He probably is not going to get drunk and run up a huge bar bill is he...
They're still kids really and remember he'll be wanting to make a good impression!
Maybe he suggested 'eating out' to your DD so as not to be presumptuous but would've preferred an invite to your house!
Whatever happens, enjoy your evening OP!

Springpug · 23/02/2024 17:02

Surely you met him when he's staying over
Just make him dinner one evening,no need for huge fuss of meal out .
Keep it casual

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/02/2024 17:02

Your DH doesn't want to pay as it's not his daughter

Notsuretoputit · 23/02/2024 17:06

tiredmama23 · 23/02/2024 11:22

DH and I wouldn't routinely have alcohol with a family tea at 4.30pm, no. But my daughter might, especially if her boyfriend is there.

But I do plan to lay out the expectations in advance around buying drinks, ie we pay for one each for them with their meal and anything extra (alcohol wise) they fund themselves.

Show quote history

It does make it sound like you’re accusing the BF of planning to take advantage by getting pissed assuming you’re paying.

Cant you just say ‘right, what does everyone want? And I’m paying for the meal, no arguments.’ Then go to the bar, order and pay for the food and first drink, and then if DD or her BF want more they’ll naturally go to the bar themselves.

SalviaDivinorum · 23/02/2024 17:10

I (well, DH, actually) would pay for all of us. 18 is a very young adult and he is unlikely to be rolling in money.

Doobeedoobeedoobee · 23/02/2024 18:05

I would pay in your position - might be a bit awkward not to

Iloveblink182 · 23/02/2024 18:08

DH (who is DD's stepdad

knew this was going to be the case before you even posted it.

Original poster
tiredmama23 · 23/02/2024 18:20

For those who wanted an update: it went really well and he's such a lovely lad! (Yes, we paid😂) And DD tells me he's just text to say "your mum is really nice".

So there we go. How lovely! 🥰

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 23/02/2024 18:25

Glad it went well, OP.

Jokingnotjoking · 23/02/2024 18:30

Islandlifex · 23/02/2024 08:39

I would absolutely pay, it's just good etiquette. 18 is still a teenager! My fiance and I are both early 30's, both with good salaries and my parents always insist on paying the bill whenever we go out to eat.

Wow. Cannot imagine in a million years my parents paying for me in my 30s, I guess that’s why I never expected them to. But for context, I was out of the house earning my own money at 18. Went back and did a degree etc once I’d left. So, never much support and perhaps atypical.

Amberjane41 · 23/02/2024 18:33

tiredmama23 · 23/02/2024 18:20

For those who wanted an update: it went really well and he's such a lovely lad! (Yes, we paid😂) And DD tells me he's just text to say "your mum is really nice".

So there we go. How lovely! 🥰

That’s great! Are you glad you paid now? He didn’t order loads of drinks then 🤣

Korkie · 23/02/2024 18:35

I would pay for it all.

Mrsjayy · 23/02/2024 18:49

tiredmama23 · 23/02/2024 18:20

For those who wanted an update: it went really well and he's such a lovely lad! (Yes, we paid😂) And DD tells me he's just text to say "your mum is really nice".

So there we go. How lovely! 🥰

Well all that sounds lovely.

Owl55 · 23/02/2024 18:53

So you intend to pay for all your family’s meals and ask him to pay for his ? Bit mean!

Bookist · 23/02/2024 19:09

You pay for him, of course. It would be incredibly churlish not to.

We always pay for our DDs' boyfriends and friends if they eat out with us. It's a nice gesture to make.

Original poster
tiredmama23 · 23/02/2024 19:14

People still telling me to pay when the tea was 3 hours ago 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

Thanks everyone for your opinions!

OP posts:
willWillSmithsmith · 23/02/2024 19:16

HappyAsAGrig · 23/02/2024 14:18

Young people today are totally shafted.

They can’t claim housing benefit until they are over 25. The minimum wages are
<18 £5.28
18 - 20 £7.49
21 - 22 £10.18
>23 £10.42

The idea that a 17 year old and a 23 year old doing exactly the same job in a cafe or on a shop floor are in the position that the 23 year old gets nearly double the money is insane.

That is why we always pay for our young adult children’s friends when they join us. The poor buggers are on a pittance.

Show quote history

Shocking! Total exploitation of youngsters and the not so young sters! By 25 I’d been working full time for nearly ten years on the same wage as anyone else in my job. They truly are being shafted.

willWillSmithsmith · 23/02/2024 19:17

tiredmama23 · 23/02/2024 19:14

People still telling me to pay when the tea was 3 hours ago 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

Thanks everyone for your opinions!

How did it go?

Janiie · 23/02/2024 19:32

I wonder how the family will cope come Christmas time and even holidays. It'll be a minefield if they couldn't even agree about a burger with a bf of 2months..

Original poster
tiredmama23 · 23/02/2024 19:35

Janiie · 23/02/2024 19:32

I wonder how the family will cope come Christmas time and even holidays. It'll be a minefield if they couldn't even agree about a burger with a bf of 2months..

😂🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredmama23 · 23/02/2024 19:37

@willWillSmithsmith
It was lovely thank you! He's a really lovely lad, very polite and respectful. I'm very happy with DD's choice!

OP posts:
BeaLola · 23/02/2024 19:40

It sounds like she has chosen well - perhaps in a few years time you will be posting about what to wear to their wedding ...

Lastminutebride · 23/02/2024 19:41

How many alcoholic drinks did they have?

pleased it all went well and your daughter sounds really lovely planning the meal

Janiie · 23/02/2024 19:43

Lastminutebride · 23/02/2024 19:41

How many alcoholic drinks did they have?

pleased it all went well and your daughter sounds really lovely planning the meal

Yes and who paid for the drinks?

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