To block him after this? (Text exchange)

[Moonlightandroses44]

A few months into dating. All seemed fine, some minor red flags but I second guessed my intuition. I had actually dared to let myself like this guy.

He lives quite far away but was travelling for work, so got a hotel for a couple of nights so we could also see each other. Ultimately though he was here primarily for his plans. This place was still nearly two hours on the train for me with changeover times. But seemed like a nice idea although I had to travel after work and it meant having to get up super early. I always do most of the travelling to see him, it makes sense for various reasons and I would normally be ok with it as long as it’s appreciated and recognised.

He was texting totally normally in the morning. Saying he was excited to see me. Then nothing from 10am until 30 mins before my train gets in at 7pm, which he knows. So I eventually ask where we’re meeting and I get this. I am obviously the green! Might need to click on the picture to see the whole thing.

To me it was a sleazy and lazy response and made me feel like I was being totally used and gross. He then says nothing when I don’t respond for ages to attempt to correct in case he just wasn’t thinking or could see it might have landed wrong.

AIBU to have literally turned around and gone home?! I had to wait two hours for the next train back. I got home at 1am. He literally has not said anything. Nor have I! Hasn’t checked I got home ok. I am contemplating just blocking but I’m still in shock.

Even if it were a misunderstanding or I was overreacting (possible), I am shocked at how cold he was and the complete U-turn and then silence. Like… what the hell happened?

The hotel was probably a ten minute walk from him tops. I mean, a simple, looking forward to seeing you, are you ok getting a taxi here? Would have sufficed.

Hi OP,
I think you are just not that into him and that’s ok.
In many posts about him the best thing I have seen you say about him is something like he is “fine” (and I don’t think you meant that in the sexy way).

So you find him mediocre, and lacking in effort and the effort he was making e.g meeting you at the station is already reducing. Taking you for granted? I’m guessing you weren’t expecting dinner out at his expense to thank you for your effort/expense travelling?

You have learned valuable information about yourself and what you want - someone who will step up and make the effort for you. Now you are clear on that you can do things differently. What would have happened in this relationship in the beginning if you said “no - you come to me?” and then you were only willing to travel every other meet up? Someone that wants to be with you will make that effort even if it is a long way for a short time.

I don’t agree with looking for Mr Perfect but some lazy man that can’t be bothered - no.

I'm on the fence with this. At the end of the day you went with your gut feeling. I think what you need to do is explore this - what made you feel the way you did? Was it rational or irrational?

Very, very well done for having the self respect to turn round and go back.

Go with your gut. Your instincts sound spot on tbh.

I can understand your frustration but rather than fly off the handle first, could you not have just gotten to the hotel and perhaps then talked to him about you felt? Then if his attitude remained the same after you explained how you were feeling, then leave him?

@Moonlightandroses44 this all boils down to how he’s been making you feel over a much longer period than just that two hour train journey.
To those skim reading your OP, it probably does seem like an over reaction on your part but given all the other minor niggles you mentioned in subsequent posts and the fact your immediate reaction to his ‘jokey’ message was the urge to get off the train - that says it all. He’s not for you, and you knew it all along.
The fact he’s said absolutely nothing to you since just confirms you were right about him. See this as a good reminder to trust your instincts in future!
He’s no loss.

58(!) responses from OP defending your reaction. If you’re comfortable with how you reacted you don’t need to justify it to strangers with 58 replies. Perhaps there is a part of you that recognizes you overreacted or didn’t communicate properly hence the need to keep rehashing what is effectively moot given he’s probably blocked you.

I can’t work out what you want from this, but it seems you’re upset he responded with just an “ok” to your dramatics. FWIW I think he meant “okkkaaaaaaayyyyy” (as in this sounds like a total overreaction and a sort of funny/weird stretch comparing yourself to Uber eats etc.) which is what I thought when I read your messages. Using words like “shock” etc. are very over the top and dramatic in response to his reasonable messages IMO.

DH and I dated long distance (different continents) for years. We would just meet at the hotel, I only expected him to meet me at the airport if I was visiting his country and vice versa. I think you need to move on - he clearly has.

The little red flags aren’t that little - it’s vile to belittle you.
He prob really doesn’t care he was ditched last night, just a minor inconvenience.
He’s probably one who’s always on the dating sites and has several others on the go anyway.

If it was pissing it down, why would you expect him to walk 10 minutes in the rain to the station and then 10 minutes back with you? Why would YOU want him to do that? Seems rather selfish on your part.

Unless you made it very clear you were feeling crap after a shite day and not looking forward to the walk in the rain, I think it's a bit rigid of you to expect this of him. Even then, if I was him, I'd have just offered to get you an Uber.

You need to get better at communicating how you feel and what's going on with you before it bubbles over into resenting that they aren't following the ideal script you've written for them.

Am I missing something? Why does OP need to explore this? I don’t see the point in her investing time navel gazing and analysing why she felt the way she did about a guy she’d been dating casually for a few months. She made a decision that was right for her and moved on. Good result I’d say.

@Moonlightandroses44 are you the same poster who posted before about the guy being a dick when you texted him to say you had to sit on the floor on the way home in a cold train?

OP, you are absolutely not being unreasonable. Some modern men seem to have become so lazy and selfish over dating and in marriage and the feminist movement has enabled all of this in a way but this is another conversation, I guess. In your position, I would have expected communication through the day over "the plan" and a man showing up at the train station to collect me in his car if he had one. He'd be there because he's been excited to see me all day! It's the absolute least I'd have expected. It's not about you "finding your way to the hotel" it's about basic courtesy and respect I'd do also for a friend who travelled a significant journey to visit me! His attitude was shitty all day from not contacting you to being still at the gym close to your arrival. He doesn't sound too invested and that you've over invested in someone not worthy of your time and efforts. You can chalk it down to experience and hopefully find a laugh back in years to come over this story even though it must be painful right now. Hugs. You've got this x

If Dating I would 100% expect to be met at the station for a nice cuddle and hand hold. If sex on tap then the latter. Seems like maybe he thought it was something different? Good riddance then.

Isn’t it??? I’d definitely meet a friend or BF / date at the station if they’d travelled to see me. It’s a no-brainer without extenuating circumstances.

😂

I wouldn't contact him based on his 'ok'. He had the chance to try and discuss it with you before you got on the return train.

You're second guessing yourself again. I would leave it with him now. You've put enough in with all the travelling etc.

This is interesting and I agree that lots of the talk about being grown up and competent enough to find your own way to the hotel ( of course she is) actually erodes the whole point of a relationship ( for some) which is to feel you are looking out for each other . Of course she CAN get a taxi ( or walk) to the hotel, put out, then make her way back on her own. But for some people that isn’t really a relationship in the fuller sense.

Since you’re so keen on unsolicited advice, I’ve got some for you.

Text speak is poor form on the internet - it can be harder for people to access if English isn’t their first language, or when using screen readers.

Use of capital letters is considered shouting on the internet. It’s rude and aggressive.

Bold is usually used for quoted text, so your posts are not at all clear.

Calling other women “little girls”, “princessy” (et al.) is misogynistic and unhelpful.

The “personal attack” on you hasn’t contained any insults you haven’t levelled at the OP. If you don’t like hearing them, put yourself in the OP’s shoes and learn some empathy.

Your posts are absurd on many levels - the vast majority of posters on this thread have managed to disagree with the OP with a degree of civility and coherence. You are the one who needs to work on your communication skills.

I can’t decide how I would’ve reacted if I were you. I think it would be very mood-dependent which I think your reaction probably was too (ie knackered from the journey, excitement turned to disappointment etc). That said, I think you’ve done the right thing responding as you have. You’ve shown you think enough of yourself to say what you think, to expect more from him. His response and silence is a bit pathetic.

Isn’t it??? I’d definitely meet a friend or BF / date at the station if they’d travelled to see me. It’s a no-brainer without extenuating circumstances

Me too. Someone asked OP why she needs a man to meet her in and hold her hand etc. Well, of course she doesn’t need it, but who doesn’t want someone to meet you in because they’re looking forward to seeing you after a long journey? It’s just a nice thing to do and nothing to do with needing a man to look after you.

I am on a dating hiatus, but had a zero nonsense approach to it when I was dating.

However you have completely and utterly overreacted 😳

You couldn't just have pulled him up for that comment when you saw him? And why couldn't you make your own way to the hotel?

I feel it's all a bit princessy.

I had to wait two hours for the next train back. I got home at 1am. He literally has not said anything. Nor have I! Hasn’t checked I got home ok. I am contemplating just blocking but I’m still in shock.

So much drama.

You're wanting so much more from him than he was willing to give.

Are you often like this when you're dating? Did you mention something in your other posts about it being years since you got this far with a guy?

I'm sorry but you seem to be making a mountain out of a molehill.

Why would you expect him to contact you when you dumped him like that?

You can't have it both ways.

You expect him to contact you and arrange to meet you (with no input from you on the arrangements) then when he doesn't, you dump him and still expect him to reach out to you?

The truth is, he wasn't as invested as you were.
You picked up some things before about him that you didn't like, but chose to ignore them.

It does come over as if you were intent on pursuing HIM even though you had doubts.

Now that he's behaved like this, you're angry with yourself, for not ending it sooner.

You were living in a fantasy world about him, making cakes for him, packing your high heels (nothing wrong at all turning up in trainers after 2 train journeys) and when he's turned out to be a frog and not the Prince you wanted, you're angry.

Red flag for him he has definitely dodged one!

When I started dating my OH we had planned to travel from london (where we lived) to his parents house in the country (they were away) in his car. It turned out he had to get up there a few days early so we couldn’t drive up together. He apologised, booked me a first class train ticket and came and collected me from the station when I arrived. That’s a nice way to treat someone if you want them to feel appreciated.

YANBU OP, this one is not the one for you.

Well it’s not unreasonable to feel angry when you realise you’ve been used. You talk of “ what he was willing to give “ but I’m struggling to see what it was apart from the obvious ( and even that was only until he was satisfied by the sound of it). Yes, she was slow to wake up to it: but being unhappy about that when she did cotton on seems natural to me.

So I had a very sudden and cogent reaction to that text which was strange because of course we had flirted before and had sexual banter and I’ve never reacted in that way.

so as I’ve said, maybe it was my subconscious finally reacting strongly given the ‘tally’ I’ve kind of been making in the background. I just can’t see why I would have responded that way otherwise. I’m normally a very reasonable, calm and level headed person. I am not ‘princessy’.

the fact this thread is 50:50 almost is interesting.

if I do respond it will be for my own sake to know I’ve communicated calmly and clearly. But I don’t think the underlying feeling of being used and a bit undervalued was wrong. It also was a marked change from how he’s been previously.

I’m not making any decisions tonight anyway as I’m knackered 😅