To block him after this? (Text exchange)

[Moonlightandroses44]

A few months into dating. All seemed fine, some minor red flags but I second guessed my intuition. I had actually dared to let myself like this guy.

He lives quite far away but was travelling for work, so got a hotel for a couple of nights so we could also see each other. Ultimately though he was here primarily for his plans. This place was still nearly two hours on the train for me with changeover times. But seemed like a nice idea although I had to travel after work and it meant having to get up super early. I always do most of the travelling to see him, it makes sense for various reasons and I would normally be ok with it as long as it’s appreciated and recognised.

He was texting totally normally in the morning. Saying he was excited to see me. Then nothing from 10am until 30 mins before my train gets in at 7pm, which he knows. So I eventually ask where we’re meeting and I get this. I am obviously the green! Might need to click on the picture to see the whole thing.

To me it was a sleazy and lazy response and made me feel like I was being totally used and gross. He then says nothing when I don’t respond for ages to attempt to correct in case he just wasn’t thinking or could see it might have landed wrong.

AIBU to have literally turned around and gone home?! I had to wait two hours for the next train back. I got home at 1am. He literally has not said anything. Nor have I! Hasn’t checked I got home ok. I am contemplating just blocking but I’m still in shock.

Even if it were a misunderstanding or I was overreacting (possible), I am shocked at how cold he was and the complete U-turn and then silence. Like… what the hell happened?

The hotel was probably a ten minute walk from him tops. I mean, a simple, looking forward to seeing you, are you ok getting a taxi here? Would have sufficed.

OP, whatever you do, don’t let the posts on here convince you that you over reacted. I’m in complete agreement with you here. You have very strong boundaries and it’s commendable when so many women teach men they can treat them poorly.

If you’re annoyed, why should you tone it down to avoid annoying him or hurting his feelings? You shouldn’t. It’s how you felt and you expressed it, and you were right.

I don’t read it as rude, I read it as laying out your standards. If he doesn’t see that or doesn’t care then he’s not worth it anyway so who cares if he thinks you’re a red flag? I’m actually quite pissed off on your behalf. You shouldn’t have to ask him to meet you, he should ask out of basic courtesy.

If anyone was wondering whether the OP is a bit of a drama queen who likes to make a meal out of everything….here’s the answer.

Your previous assertion that you’re “laidback” with a GSOH isn’t coming across on here.

Your two-hour “onerous” journey you referenced earlier involves relaxing on your arse for two hours.

And rather than huffing around about not receiving a text, you could have texted him first. @SoapiesChoice nailed it with her description. Assuming your fingers hadn’t dropped off it was just as reasonable for you to text and ask what the plans were….

I don't think I’ve ever seen such a bloody fuss about going to meet someone on the train!

But we are all different and one man’s cast-offs are another man’s treasure as they say. I think you should pm gannet and give her his number!

He did say he’d meet her in reception.

With texts you dont need to know where he is.You send the text, if he can't reoly that minute well at least it tells him you want to chat sooner rather than later.

Sorry but you are WAY too hung up on it being basic respect for him to start that contact.

Can't you see that you are allowing rigid expectations that may be your standard but are not everyone's standard to get in the way if a relationship you were hoping would go somewhere.

No-one, absolutely no guy ever, is going to be exactly what you want "straight out of the box"

You have to TALK to a guy to communicate which things are such a big deal to you... some he will have no problem adjusting to and some he may draw the line at and THEN you know where you stand.

The really daft thing is, for all you know, he may then say I'm sorry I had no idea these things matter so much to you and be interested enough to change them.

But you aren't giving him chance.

Sounds like you are going to keep searching for Mr Right just as you find him. You could miss a few that could easily, willingly become what you need if only there was some way for them to know 🤔

It’s not that though is it. About ‘just’ meeting me. It’s the feeling behind it. Or lack thereof.

I’m highlighting what I did to prepare for us meeting because I got told I should have been grateful he was in the gym.

do you think I mind about all that otherwise, if I feel like I’m meeting someone who cares about me? Of course not.

but given what happened it puts it all into a different light really.

Good for you OP, you did the right thing imo, and I cant believe the negative responses you're getting!

I also think his reaction of 'ok' then nothing, says it all

Mmmm. The list reads like one of those 'life admin takes such a long time' ones.

Sorry but I don't think he viewed you in the same way you viewed him. You were a convenient shag until you weren't. His reaction (or non reaction) says it all.

So yes. Block & move on.

She’s simply comparing the effort put in. Because she should have been happy he was working out when her train arrived 😂

honestly this thread is bizarre.

@SoapiesChoice

Guys are different. My DH would be thinking "why text much today?, I'll see you in person soon" and would expect me to get in touch earlier and use my words to tell him, if I needed help with luggage.

Your DH and this man are not all guys though are they?
Every man I've ever been with would have text me loads if they knew I was meeting him at a hotel that day.

If I were him, I'd have to have been getting close to you, already feeling like a steady boyfriend, to do anything now other than write you off as a princessy drama queen based on how you handled that small disappointment that was of your own making by expecting your mind to be read.

Princessy drama queen.....well if a man feels like when he sees that a woman he's been sleeping with for months feels hurt, even if he doesn't think that he did anything wrong then she had a very lucky escape.

It seems like you are just a bit on the side so he's not gonna out of his way. You do everything n he turns up most of the time. Ged rid off him. Being a couple means you meet each other in the middle. Your not a couple. Hope this helps

I wasn’t aware I had to communicate things that I would expect out of basic courtesy.

You use the word expect an amazing number of times in your responses, OP. You expect him to know an awful lot for a man who's only been seeing you occasionally for sex for a few months. When you say 'I wasn't aware I had to communicate things that I would expect out of basic courtesy' I feel some sympathy for him and your expectation that he's psychic. In the early days of the relationship you can help things along by being specific about what you need for the relationship to succeed. 'I'll be arriving at 19.58 and it would be great if you could meet me with my heavy bag.' If he does, great. If he doesn't, you know where you stand. If you're working on the basis that if he's the One he'll know without you having to say anything, that's not going to work.

Maybe he thinks you're a strong, independent woman capable of getting a taxi from the station. Possibly no one in his family ever bothered to meet people at the station or that situation never arose. If he's a Londoner he probably can't imagine a situation in which there wouldn't be a taxi. Maybe he is just a lazy git happy to have you travelling for hours to be with him. Who knows.

I'd have been pissed off too and he would have had a strike against him in my book. The fact that you didn't choose to try and turn this around/ hear his side of the story makes me wonder whether you were already looking for a reason to end the relationship. You might have chosen to get to the hotel, tell him exactly how you were feeling and then discussed the situation (including your resentment) over a drink and a meal before deciding what to do next — which might have included booking a separate room and going home in the morning. I suppose your way was cheaper.

Good luck with the next guy. Help him do better by making it clear what you want/ need so he doesn't make stupid mistakes.

OP, for all you know, in the same way you prepared a nice surprise for him (the brownies) he too may have had a nice surprise for you. He too would have been hurt that he had prepared it, only for you to decide to turn back in the end. In future, try a more direct and timely style of communication (e.g. "I would appreciate if we meet at X please, could you?"). You sound a lovely person though.

Oh yes, keeping ‘in shape’ for her! She should be oh so grateful 🤣🤣🤣.

You sat on the train for nearly 2 hours. Why didn't you bother texting him until 30 mins before you arrived? I mean...

"That's me on the train now. I'll let you know when I'm nearly there so you can come and meet me."

...would have potentially avoided all this. But instead, you just sat and expected him to be a mind reader.

How??? How is it obvious?

He just (as most normal people would imo) read "where are we meeting?" as meaning the other person had no preference to suggest.

And he made it clear he was looking forward to being intimate. She is the one who made something cheap of that in her head.

And he didnt realise she had become incapable of texting after 10:30 am and was sitting like a damsel in need of him to start the convo.

It is UTTERLY RIDICULOUS and doing her no favours to enciurage her to read all kinds of nonsense into any of that.

Because if she doesn't learn better communication skills with this guy, she wont have them for the next guy either. And will throw him out too the 1st time he doesnt read her mind

He knew what time my train arrived and that he had checked into the hotel etc.

I had no idea what he was doing or where he was. His meeting was in a nearby city. He could have still been there for all I knew.

he didn’t text first to confirm the actual meeting. I did.

I got a response that was a (bad) joke so I was still unsure.

but no. It’s me expecting him to be a mind reader. Ok.

I think you misunderstood the PP. I don’t think she was actually expecting you to be dripping with gratitude that he’d been to the gym. I think her comment was tongue in cheek - and you’ve taken such offence at it that you’ve listed off everything you’ve done, which just sounds ridiculous. The level of detail in your post is bonkers.

I don’t think you’re as laidback as you might think. And it suggests to me that your offence at his previous jokes might also be a you thing rather than him doing anything wrong.

Look, I think you’re just a bit more of a traditionalist who likes to feel looked after. You’ve met him about 4-5 times so far, judging by your previous comments, and you’re expecting him to do all the running after you, including texting first. And all of this while you’re sleeping together but not exclusive.

I don’t think you’re wrong to have boundaries but this is an entirely wrong set up for you. I don’t think he’s done anything wrong either. And bearing in mind MN almost always comes down heavily on the side of the woman and you have almost a 50/50 split - I think that says a lot.

This just wasn’t the right person - you’ve probably both had a lucky escape, for different reasons.

This nailed it in the 1st place.

Too many are claiming OP is being told to lower her expectations.

*But she's not being told to lower her expectations.

She is being told to COMMUNICATE her expectations.*

@BlushTeddy honestly this thread is bizarre.

It is, for many reasons. One of them is The OP should have not gone through such lengths (cookies, eyebrow plucking, different outfits gosh I felt completely exhausted after reading the whole list!) then jump on a train for two hours after a long day. Even a high end escort in central London getting paid 5000 for the night doesn’t go through those lengths!
Her absolute investment in a dude who was investing zero on her is a bit mind boggling.

But that’s just me.

This too, several of us have said this but it's been buried in indignation that he doesn't read her mind

Wider context would help. But tbh if u let the relationship become one-sided from the 1st days then a.it would continue like that forever, and b.u will have resentment built up and will blow up at some point.

She was comparing in detail to give context. She’s been attacked throughout this thread and told she’s a ‘red flag’ because she was made to feel unvalued and acted on it.

and now she’s being told she’s unhinged and not laid back enough or has a complete lack of self awareness about her own personality because she defended herself.

I hope some of the comments on here have given her some clarity that she 100% did the right thing.

Bloody hell