Page 30 | To block him after this? (Text exchange)

Moonlightandroses44 · 2024-02-23T07:42:36+00:00

A few months into dating. All seemed fine, some minor red flags but I second guessed my intuition. I had actually dared to let myself like this guy. He lives quite far away but was travelling for work, so got a hotel for a couple of nights so we could also see each other. Ultimately though he was here primarily for his plans. This place was still nearly two hours on the train for me with changeover times. But seemed like a nice idea although I had to travel after work and it meant having to get up super early. I always do most of the travelling to see him, it makes sense for various reasons and I would normally be ok with it as long as it’s appreciated and recognised. He was texting totally normally in the morning. Saying he was excited to see me. Then nothing from 10am until 30 mins before my train gets in at 7pm, which he knows. So I eventually ask where we’re meeting and I get this. I am obviously the green! Might need to click on the picture to see the whole thing. To me it was a sleazy and lazy response and made me feel like I was being totally used and gross. He then says nothing when I don’t respond for ages to attempt to correct in case he just wasn’t thinking or could see it might have landed wrong. AIBU to have literally turned around and gone home?! I had to wait two hours for the next train back. I got home at 1am. He literally has not said anything. Nor have I! Hasn’t checked I got home ok. I am contemplating just blocking but I’m still in shock. Even if it were a misunderstanding or I was overreacting (possible), I am shocked at how cold he was and the complete U-turn and then silence. Like… what the hell happened? The hotel was probably a ten minute walk from him tops. I mean, a simple, looking forward to seeing you, are you ok getting a taxi here? Would have sufficed.

Ramalangadingdong · 23/02/2024 18:23

Why didn’t you ask if he could come and meet you?

Most lovers meeting in a hotel would be excited about having sex with each other. I was like that when I was young. I would have been thinking about it all day. I see nothing wrong in what he said. I would guess he was surprised by your response.

Ramalangadingdong · 23/02/2024 18:26

Djdjdjd · 23/02/2024 17:12

I don't think what he initially said was that bad, but as soon as I'd said I'm waiting for a train back and his response was "ok" it would be over for me. He knows you have heavy bags, tired from travelling, have a long commute back... A decent man, a proper man would say something along the lines of "don't be silly I'm coming to get you"

Ok??????

Block him.

If someone reacted to me as op did I think I might be the one blocking them because I would prefer them to raise issues with me rather than just blowing up at me.

Zanatdy · 23/02/2024 18:26

I thought it seemed like an over reaction but judging by his ‘ok’ response I don’t think so, I think you took the right decision. He could have easily have ran down to the station to check if you were still there. He clearly couldn’t be bothered so that says it all really. Don’t text him.

Calliopespa · 23/02/2024 18:27

Gemi33 · 23/02/2024 18:14

Complete overreaction. I don't blame him for not replying since..if I had received that msg, your tantrum would have been a massive red flag.

Are you a man?

PoisonMaple · 23/02/2024 18:27

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NonPlayerCharacter · 23/02/2024 18:30

SoapiesChoice · 23/02/2024 18:09

I saw your response to me, i also was reading more of the thread and see it was 25 mins after the bed comment b4 he said reception instead.

But couldn't he have been feeling flirtatious and leaving a gap for you to flirt back, and in the meantime trying to get his workout finished.

Also I see in so many responses yiu say he didnt text you all day. WHY is it up to him to make that 1st contact?

We do not have to wait for guys to call any more.

You were at work, he was probably leaving you in peace. Maybe he expected a text to say you got the train and it left on time.

But the biggest advice I have is just talk to guys!! Don't sit quietly trying to second guess them, leaving them trying to second guess you.

You said you left him hanging 50 mins, that's awful when that went past what should be meeting time!! You wouldn't have liked him doing that to you, would you? Leaving a direct question hanging 50 mins at that point in the evening.

You say you couldn't decide what to do. but if you had spoken to him you would have got a way clearer feel for whether he couldn't be bothered or whether you were way overthinking.

If this was on its way to becoming a steady relationship then it should be past the making each other guess what the other is thinking stage.

And it is RIDICULOUS that you think he should be phoning to see how you are today after you sent him that text and ridiculous that people are judging him for his lack of much response to it.

And stop seeing yourself as delivering a service to him. Yes the location he had to be in was 2 hours away, but he paid your fare, paid the accomodatiin and was presumably going to show you a good time.

Honestly I am lost for how to say what I want to without being rude. If you were my daughter I'd be telling you to give your head a shake about your attitude to communication and about your princessy "he should have checked up on me the next day" which pp do you NO favours by encouraging.

*Whether this guy is the one or it's some future guy, you will HAVE to learn to have mature constructive discussions. Because no relationship just falls into place without minor teething issues like this one.

Also you need to try to put yourself in the other person's shoes, by asking them if need be. Instead of assuming things from what they do or don't do. Because just because not offering to meet would mean not caring if you did it, but his mileage will vary.*

Even some other women are seeing that differently to you.

Btw the reason I am putting it all so strongly is that I think some people are encouraging you down a REALLY unhelpful path.

Because even if this guy is not the one, sending a text like that, after 50 mins silent treatment then deciding to write the guy off because he isn't all over you the next day is a ridiculously princessy attitude that will screw up FUTURE relationships too if you take that as reasonable way to judge other guys in future.

Try listening to the ones telling you to communicate properly. They may have learnt it in successful long term relationships.

I have been married 30 years same man. So I have learnt that things I would assume if I hadn't learnt otherwise are usually miles from how it actually is from his side. And he is often astonished at what I would have assumed.

Edited

We do not have to wait for guys to call any more.

No, but frankly, we should. This is not because we should be passive princesses waiting for the man, but because very few men will turn down the chance of a sexual relationship if it is presented to them, even if they're ambivalent about the woman. I wish this weren't true, but it largely is. If you chase him, it's likely he'll accept even if he's not totally nuts about you, because the sex and companionship will do him just fine until for whatever reason it doesn't.

Men are generally very good at going after the things they want, whatever that happens to be (could be anything from a high powered career to an idle life) and if they want you, they will let you know. Half arsed effort or no effort doesn't necessarily mean he'll reject you if you make the offer, but it does mean he could probably take you or leave you.

And saying he should contact you doesn't mean you should sit around moping and pining - get on with stuff, live your life! But trust that a man who wants you won't just sit by to see what happens. He'll be proactive.

I always think I'll be slaughtered when I say this but I never have been, so maybe I'm not the only one who's noticed it. I don't say I like it, but I can't deny that it's what I see all the time.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 23/02/2024 18:30

I don't think any women here have low bars.

But I do think that it's obvious he just wasn't as into the OP as she assumed.

It's that simple.

What he did wasn't right if he wanted to pursue a relationship , but clearly, he didn't.

You can't blame him for that.

I do think however that the OP seems to expect men to do all the communicating and then takes offence when they don't. Behaving passively then getting huffy when they don't behave as she wants.

I can't imagine getting on a train , or two, and never asking my date where we'd meet, if he'd meet me, and what the plans were for the evening.

So, really, they are both at fault.

Aria999 · 23/02/2024 18:32

DeliciouslyDecadent · 23/02/2024 18:30

I don't think any women here have low bars.

But I do think that it's obvious he just wasn't as into the OP as she assumed.

It's that simple.

What he did wasn't right if he wanted to pursue a relationship , but clearly, he didn't.

You can't blame him for that.

I do think however that the OP seems to expect men to do all the communicating and then takes offence when they don't. Behaving passively then getting huffy when they don't behave as she wants.

I can't imagine getting on a train , or two, and never asking my date where we'd meet, if he'd meet me, and what the plans were for the evening.

So, really, they are both at fault.

I agree with this.

burnoutbabe · 23/02/2024 18:33

Would anyone actually tell their mum that they were going to visit a msn in his hotel for 2 nights. Not a boyfriend but just a man you have meta few toned before.

I'd assume the dinner as to be at the hotel (if rural) or anyone of many nearby places if central. Maybe before sex but probably after.

The whole thins could have been avoided by either clarifying plans earlier. Not just him but op could have texted him between 10 and 6 too! Confirmed on the train and when she'd be arriving kept up some banter.

If she in fact texted multiple times between 10-6 with silence then you'd probably not set off before hearing back. So o assume neither texted in that time.

Original poster

Moonlightandroses44 · 23/02/2024 18:34

DeliciouslyDecadent · 23/02/2024 18:30

I don't think any women here have low bars.

But I do think that it's obvious he just wasn't as into the OP as she assumed.

It's that simple.

What he did wasn't right if he wanted to pursue a relationship , but clearly, he didn't.

You can't blame him for that.

I do think however that the OP seems to expect men to do all the communicating and then takes offence when they don't. Behaving passively then getting huffy when they don't behave as she wants.

I can't imagine getting on a train , or two, and never asking my date where we'd meet, if he'd meet me, and what the plans were for the evening.

So, really, they are both at fault.

I do expect him to do the communicating about where to meet him in the city he’s staying in, yeah. Given he knew my plans and train times and I had no idea whether he’d even checked in or was still working or… anything.

you also don’t have to be hugely into someone to treat them with basic respect.

I’m actually not upset about him. I’m upset with myself for overriding my gut on all the smaller stuff.

OP posts:

Aria999 · 23/02/2024 18:34

Also I think OP's reaction is probably partly because of the occasional red flags' and general feeling of being taken for granted.

gannett · 23/02/2024 18:38

He definitely dodged a bullet.

I'm not sure why his mildly flirty joke made you feel like an escort or, er, Uber Eats? It's normal to make flirty jokes with people you've started shagging. The point is you'd have that they enjoy shagging you and would also be looking forward to that bit of the night. And as you were specifically meeting in a hotel, I'd expect shagging to be a pretty central part of meeting him and that would ideally be a good thing.

I would always actually arrange the specifics of meeting up beforehand. Sometimes a friend or a bloke meets me at the station, sometimes they don't if the timing/distance/transport don't work out. It's no big deal either way because I'm capable of walking for 10 minutes or ordering a cab. It's certainly no indication of their character.

If I hadn't done this for whatever reason, I wouldn't expect anyone to read my mind and meet me at the station. Especially if it wasn't even their home city (and did he even have a car with him? I missed that info). If I was meeting someone in a hotel and I got there first I would assume we were meeting there. It's not a "low bar" to be capable of getting oneself from train station to hotel independently.

If I'd got the text about going to the gym I would think "lovely, gym-honed post-workout body to shag tonight", which is obviously what he was hoping you'd think. He's making sure he's in good shape for you and I would appreciate that.

I have no idea why you're expecting any further communication after the barrage you sent him. What more is there to say beyond "OK"? If I received that I would also think, OK, you obviously feel how you feel so there's no point arguing, but also I'm going to block you and be very thankful I dodged a bullet.

FourLeggedBuckers · 23/02/2024 18:40

Well it’s nice to see the OP isn’t the only one capable of overreacting, @SoapiesChoice 😂 that post is a wild reach in so many ways.

beatrix1234 · 23/02/2024 18:41

gannett · 23/02/2024 18:38

He definitely dodged a bullet.

I'm not sure why his mildly flirty joke made you feel like an escort or, er, Uber Eats? It's normal to make flirty jokes with people you've started shagging. The point is you'd have that they enjoy shagging you and would also be looking forward to that bit of the night. And as you were specifically meeting in a hotel, I'd expect shagging to be a pretty central part of meeting him and that would ideally be a good thing.

I would always actually arrange the specifics of meeting up beforehand. Sometimes a friend or a bloke meets me at the station, sometimes they don't if the timing/distance/transport don't work out. It's no big deal either way because I'm capable of walking for 10 minutes or ordering a cab. It's certainly no indication of their character.

If I hadn't done this for whatever reason, I wouldn't expect anyone to read my mind and meet me at the station. Especially if it wasn't even their home city (and did he even have a car with him? I missed that info). If I was meeting someone in a hotel and I got there first I would assume we were meeting there. It's not a "low bar" to be capable of getting oneself from train station to hotel independently.

If I'd got the text about going to the gym I would think "lovely, gym-honed post-workout body to shag tonight", which is obviously what he was hoping you'd think. He's making sure he's in good shape for you and I would appreciate that.

I have no idea why you're expecting any further communication after the barrage you sent him. What more is there to say beyond "OK"? If I received that I would also think, OK, you obviously feel how you feel so there's no point arguing, but also I'm going to block you and be very thankful I dodged a bullet.

You must be the OP’s guy 🤣

At least you sound like him…

Calliopespa · 23/02/2024 18:42

gannett · 23/02/2024 18:38

He definitely dodged a bullet.

I'm not sure why his mildly flirty joke made you feel like an escort or, er, Uber Eats? It's normal to make flirty jokes with people you've started shagging. The point is you'd have that they enjoy shagging you and would also be looking forward to that bit of the night. And as you were specifically meeting in a hotel, I'd expect shagging to be a pretty central part of meeting him and that would ideally be a good thing.

I would always actually arrange the specifics of meeting up beforehand. Sometimes a friend or a bloke meets me at the station, sometimes they don't if the timing/distance/transport don't work out. It's no big deal either way because I'm capable of walking for 10 minutes or ordering a cab. It's certainly no indication of their character.

If I hadn't done this for whatever reason, I wouldn't expect anyone to read my mind and meet me at the station. Especially if it wasn't even their home city (and did he even have a car with him? I missed that info). If I was meeting someone in a hotel and I got there first I would assume we were meeting there. It's not a "low bar" to be capable of getting oneself from train station to hotel independently.

If I'd got the text about going to the gym I would think "lovely, gym-honed post-workout body to shag tonight", which is obviously what he was hoping you'd think. He's making sure he's in good shape for you and I would appreciate that.

I have no idea why you're expecting any further communication after the barrage you sent him. What more is there to say beyond "OK"? If I received that I would also think, OK, you obviously feel how you feel so there's no point arguing, but also I'm going to block you and be very thankful I dodged a bullet.

He sounds a perfect fit for gannet: it’s a match!

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 23/02/2024 18:45

Moonlightandroses44 · 23/02/2024 08:49

Well this really. Even if I’d totally overreacted I’d have expected some kind of follow up.

he normally meets me. In fact he’s met me at the tube which was just down the road from his house on previous occasions. It feels like he consciously made no effort this time and I can’t figure out why. It feels deliberate and mean.

Show quote history

Yes you over reacted.

If anyone rants at me in a text they get an OK or thumps up. I'm not engaging to get more of it.

There's no need to block him. He's not going to contact you again.

OhmygodDont · 23/02/2024 18:45

I right op was right to leave for whatever reason she wanted too. I just think the text was over the top and his response is expected to such a text.

I don’t think he saw it as a relationship be it early days or anything. I think he saw op as a fwb.

SurelySmartie · 23/02/2024 18:45

But I do think that it's obvious he just wasn't as into the OP as she assumed.

It's that simple.

Yep. Situationship where op was more into it than he was.

Nothing wrong with wanting someone who really cares about you to meet you at the station. But equally not wrong that he didn’t as it’s obviously not a major thing for him. I don’t think either of them were particularly wrong.

Either way op you’re better out of it.

SashaRose · 23/02/2024 18:46

I don’t think you have overreacted OP. I do think he’s got used to you being the one doing the legwork and therefore doesn’t think he needs to make an effort. I know he didn’t know about the birthday brownies but it’s another example of you putting in the effort.

Also don’t dismiss the negging type comments. He should be building you up not trying to pull you down.

Aria999 · 23/02/2024 18:47

I do expect him to do the communicating about where to meet him in the city he’s staying in, yeah. Given he knew my plans and train times and I had no idea whether he’d even checked in or was still working or… anything.

In a certain sense I can see how this is reasonable but it just feels very alien; I would just text, if plans were not clear, no matter whom I was meeting.

If you had tried to firm up plans and he had blanked you, that would be annoying.

Fiflaboeuf · 23/02/2024 18:47

Nah you did the right thing: you felt disrespected and you came back. Trust your boundaries and instincts.

SoapiesChoice · 23/02/2024 18:57

Going forward, I suggest you go away and think.

Ask yourself if you could go back and redo that night what would you do?

Plus try to stop thinking self-centredly. Instead think... if you were him and would have met at train if asked to but were asked "where are we meeting" rather than being told you'd "appreciate it if he wouldnt mind coming to train station "

(That wording gets round your worry of sounding presumptuous)

*So think... REALLY. stop and think.... if you were him and were just asked "where are we meeting" his replies sound fine as you give no impression if having a preference for meeting at the station.

So stop and think what on earth will he have made of your text seemingly out the blue?*

I am smh at people encouraging you to believe he should have phoned you after that text.. you left him hanging 50 mins b4 you send that then made it clear your decision was made. If you wanted to talk to him you could/should/would have called him!! Women can dial phone numbers too!!

Frankly you were absolutely awful to him. And I think if you put yourself in his shoes, you should see that.

You being a wonan and him being a man does NOT mean he should jump tnrough hoops to appease you after that behaviour from you.

The one who should jump through hoops (if anyone is going to) is the one in the wrong regardless of their sex.

And that is you here!! Jury is out on whether he was wrong to not have his crystal ball with him regarding meeting at train but the way you handled it makes you the one with some fixing to do IF you want to keep the relationship.

Original poster

Moonlightandroses44 · 23/02/2024 18:58

gannett · 23/02/2024 18:38

He definitely dodged a bullet.

I'm not sure why his mildly flirty joke made you feel like an escort or, er, Uber Eats? It's normal to make flirty jokes with people you've started shagging. The point is you'd have that they enjoy shagging you and would also be looking forward to that bit of the night. And as you were specifically meeting in a hotel, I'd expect shagging to be a pretty central part of meeting him and that would ideally be a good thing.

I would always actually arrange the specifics of meeting up beforehand. Sometimes a friend or a bloke meets me at the station, sometimes they don't if the timing/distance/transport don't work out. It's no big deal either way because I'm capable of walking for 10 minutes or ordering a cab. It's certainly no indication of their character.

If I hadn't done this for whatever reason, I wouldn't expect anyone to read my mind and meet me at the station. Especially if it wasn't even their home city (and did he even have a car with him? I missed that info). If I was meeting someone in a hotel and I got there first I would assume we were meeting there. It's not a "low bar" to be capable of getting oneself from train station to hotel independently.

If I'd got the text about going to the gym I would think "lovely, gym-honed post-workout body to shag tonight", which is obviously what he was hoping you'd think. He's making sure he's in good shape for you and I would appreciate that.

I have no idea why you're expecting any further communication after the barrage you sent him. What more is there to say beyond "OK"? If I received that I would also think, OK, you obviously feel how you feel so there's no point arguing, but also I'm going to block you and be very thankful I dodged a bullet.

‘He’s making sure he’s in good shape for you and I would appreciate that’.

Jesus Christ. This can’t be real.

how considerate of him to be working out at the time I’m completing my two hour journey.

to put this into context, to prepare for this, I had to do the following -

Baked some brownies as a nice little gesture in honour of his birthday last week like the idiot I am
pluck my eyebrows
face mask
shave everything
exfoliate
do my toenails. Do my nails.
get up at 5am to wash my hair in freezing water (heating not kicked in yet)
dry it and style it (it’s long and there’s a lot of it) takes an hour.
iron my clothes
pack my case
pack my work bag to make sure I can work remotely and have the right equipment.
pack another bag for the train with heels etc so I turn up looking halfway decent and don’t turn up with a rucksack and trainers
drive an hour to work
work all day. Take a short lunch break so I can leave early to make the train.
walk 20 mins to my car.
drive to the train station. Get stuck in rush hour traffic for another 20mins. Pay for several days parking. Park in the in only remaining space in the car park which is the size of a postage stamp.
switch over the bags in the car park in the rain and basically semi repack. Change shoes.
get on a two coach train, so no seat for a while.
change trains. 1hr 45 mins later and nearly there.

haven’t had a text all day. Finally ask where we meeting and get told to meet him in bed.

no follow up.

oh I was in the gym. So he can’t walk down the road to meet me.

You’re right. What an absolute God.

OP posts:

LadyChilli · 23/02/2024 19:04

I don't think you're unreasonable. The meet in bed message itself wouldn't bother me but I'd expect it to be followed up immediately with another about the practicalities, 'are you OK to make your way to the hotel and I'll meet you in reception' or even 'come up to room 69, I'll order some wine to the room for you arriving'. Anything that shows an effort and consideration of your long day.

Everyone is different and you're getting a fair bit of pushback on this thread and not backing down, which particularly suggests leaving this and forgetting him is the right decision for you.

Mnk711 · 23/02/2024 19:05

I have to say I'm not sure it's normal to expect someone to meet you at the station. I might meet someone or might not depending on the context. I'd also definitely get it arranged in advance and not expect the other person to focus on it. I feel you undercommunicated and then blamed him for it. That said if you were unhappy and you didn't feel he was who you thought he was then fair enough setting clear boundaries. I wouldn't be annoyed about being left with all the brownies though, mmmmmmm.