To block him after this? (Text exchange)

[Moonlightandroses44]

A few months into dating. All seemed fine, some minor red flags but I second guessed my intuition. I had actually dared to let myself like this guy.

He lives quite far away but was travelling for work, so got a hotel for a couple of nights so we could also see each other. Ultimately though he was here primarily for his plans. This place was still nearly two hours on the train for me with changeover times. But seemed like a nice idea although I had to travel after work and it meant having to get up super early. I always do most of the travelling to see him, it makes sense for various reasons and I would normally be ok with it as long as it’s appreciated and recognised.

He was texting totally normally in the morning. Saying he was excited to see me. Then nothing from 10am until 30 mins before my train gets in at 7pm, which he knows. So I eventually ask where we’re meeting and I get this. I am obviously the green! Might need to click on the picture to see the whole thing.

To me it was a sleazy and lazy response and made me feel like I was being totally used and gross. He then says nothing when I don’t respond for ages to attempt to correct in case he just wasn’t thinking or could see it might have landed wrong.

AIBU to have literally turned around and gone home?! I had to wait two hours for the next train back. I got home at 1am. He literally has not said anything. Nor have I! Hasn’t checked I got home ok. I am contemplating just blocking but I’m still in shock.

Even if it were a misunderstanding or I was overreacting (possible), I am shocked at how cold he was and the complete U-turn and then silence. Like… what the hell happened?

The hotel was probably a ten minute walk from him tops. I mean, a simple, looking forward to seeing you, are you ok getting a taxi here? Would have sufficed.

I don’t have another thread!

You felt dismissed, disrespected and uncared for. As though he wasn't bothered about you at all, including whether you were hungry. To not even mention where you were supposed to meet is taking the piss as though he expected you to wait about meekly until he was ready to greet you.

You did the right thing. I'm actually proud of you for saying nope, not this girl.

I think you did the right thing op. You have boundaries and are strong enough to stick to them. You have set rhe bar with how you want to be treated and what you deserve.

I see too many threads where woman are cowed down easily and accept such low behaviour from others. It's highlighted in this thread where people have said you caused drama! There was no drama. Your message was clear, explaining your feelings and thoughts, and others on here think that's drama!!! Shockingly low bar by others.

"I'm waiting for the next train back"

To me that screams

"Tell me to stay and talk it through"

In what I've just quoted, you've implied you were waiting for him to call. So you did want him to get in touch before you returned home.

Why was it clear TO HIM his message had landed badly? You're putting your interpretation on it.

I don't think what he initially said was that bad, but as soon as I'd said I'm waiting for a train back and his response was "ok" it would be over for me. He knows you have heavy bags, tired from travelling, have a long commute back... A decent man, a proper man would say something along the lines of "don't be silly I'm coming to get you"

Ok??????

Block him.

I meant I was waiting before I sent the text. Not after I sent it. I didn’t want to send it until I was totally prepared to leave. I was shocked he just said ‘OK’. But I wasn’t exactly hoping he’d call and try and change my mind. I had to be sure I was going to go before I said I intended to go. I said I was waiting for the train because I was. He could easily have looked up the trains and seen I was lying if I’d said I was on a train back already. I didn’t lie, basically, but wanted to make myself clear.

it would have been easier for me to go along with it. Gone to the hotel. Felt awkward / pressured into sex probably. Not feeling like it after all that, but then probably being made to feel I was being ‘OTT’ by declining and for my reaction to his ‘flirty text’.

instead I waited two hours eating a crappy pizza by myself in total shock and then eventually got home at 1am because the journey back was also a nightmare.

I think you're right tbh and well done for standing up for yourself
But...
Sounds like he thought he got a right telling-off...
What a difference a call would have made, rather than a text 😒

If I was into him (and I wouldn't be there if I wasn't) I would have enjoyed, and got a little frisson, at the bed comment. Because I'd be looking forward to it. It was CLEARLY. a joke, with emoji and followed right after by suggestion of meeting in reception.

Why see that as you "delivering" sex. It's intended to be for your own pleasure too.

In this day and age equality can mean a man assuming his adult date can get herself to a hotel.

You could have asked him earlier "where are we meeting" leaving enough notice to let him know if you'd appreciate being met off the train. Plus sounds like he has been at work today, not free to chat away.

Guys are different. My DH would be thinking "why text much today?, I'll see you in person soon" and would expect me to get in touch earlier and use my words to tell him, if I needed help with luggage.

And in the absence of any such request my DH would absolutely want to try to squeeze his weekend exercise in, if he thought there was time, before I arrived.

As for the poster saying it was awful that he maybe wasn't going to be out of the gym in time to be ready waiting to attention at the hotel... personally I would prefer opportunity to shake off the journey, have a cup of tea, freshen up etc before date started.

Sorry but from where I'm standing you seem to have stropped off because he didn't read your mind and because you wanted old style chivalry whereas he treated you like a capable adult woman.

As for his response to your list of complaints being just "ok"...

If you had said "I'm a bit upset, I feel like getting next train home", that would have left an opening for him to say he hadn't realised you expected him to meet you and carry your luggage and see if together you could recover the weekend. But your text sounded as though you had made your mind up.

Why not phone instead of texting? Things often come over wrong in writing. I would have taken a minute to work out what I wanted to say then phoned. But I would have been self aware enough to realise that I shouldn't have expected him to read my mind. So my whole attitude would have been different to yours anyway.

Plus you had just told the guy you felt like a hooker providing a service. Do you expect him to feel good about the date after that? You BOTH should get to feel wanted and appreciated and he had made you feel wanted beforehand. He just didn't have his crystal ball with him to know your assumptions.

The main issue isn't even your expectations of guys in general. If old style chivalry floats your boat that's OK. It's that you expected that requirement to be assumed and WAY over-reacted by taking your ball and going home when it wasn't. Not even giving him chance to talk about it.

Plus, it does raise the question are you really that into him if you threw away a date, you had just travelled 2 hours to, over what was basically a lack of any communication about your expectations, waiting until too late to tell him you wanted met at the station,

Why, btw? If you hoped he'd meet you from the train, why wait until you already there to bring that up? I can't get my head around that part. You do NOT have to wait for the man to ask!!

Was it a silly test, to decide if he cares by whether he passes a test he doesn't even know there's anything to be tested about?

My view is that yes maybe you need to think about whether you were really interested or not but, as far as THIS weekend goes it sounds as though you have cut off your nose to spite your face.

And I hope he didn't have to pay something to add a 2nd person to his work related accomodation.

As for could have offered to help... was he even aware that you were bringing more than normal weekend away luggage? Or that taxis in short supply?

If I sound like taking his side, then it's coming over wrong. It's more that I shake my head when I see threads where an adult woman chooses to judge a guy by how much he manages (or not) to read her mind. Instead of just talking straight. Especially as you allowed it to ruin some fun sounding plans that you had already travelled to.

If I were him, I'd have to have been getting close to you, already feeling like a steady boyfriend, to do anything now other than write you off as a princessy drama queen based on how you handled that small disappointment that was of your own making by expecting your mind to be read.

And come on!! Ladies in general, enough with the "I just didn't reply, to show my unhappiness"... it doesn't do that... he probably thought that for those 20 mins you didn't have a signal and/or train slightly late and you waiting to get off.

It's just game playing and always counterproductive. Plus often called a red flag when guys do it!

Have you heard from him since 'ok'? When did this happen?

Coming to this really late and haven't read the whole thread, but to be honest I think you overreacted and came over like a bit of a diva.

I would say he also thought you overreacted which is why he just said ok.

Sorry if it sounds like I'm being rude, but if he still hasn't been in touch then he probably feels like he just dodged a bullet and you're more drama than you're worth. If you feel the same about him then it sounds like you're both better off without each other.

My current relationship started out as a LDR as we met at a festival and lived over 100 miles apart. Every time we met up we made an effort to meet each other at the airport or train station. We would never even consider leaving each other to sort out the last part of the journey.

For what its worth OP I think its a mistake to approach relationships in this way. If you are just after casual no strings sex then fine. However if you are looking for something long term I don’t believe this is the best way to go about it.

that text was not immediately followed up.

you don’t need to be a mind reader to demonstrate basic courtesy.

I had made up my mind when I sent the text. That’s why I took so long to reply. I was deciding. And everything in my body was saying. Go home.

I didn’t say, I’m a bit upset, I feel like going home, because then he would have made some probably low effort attempt to change my mind and I would have doubted myself even more. As it was, I think his response confirmed I’d made the right decision. And that my gut feeling behind the earlier messages was correct.

You weren't comfortable going after that message. You absolutely made the right decision to come home. And if blocking him is the right thing for you, then do it.

I'd have played it differently from the off is my point. I'd never have travelled all that way without any firm plans the other end. As I don't cope well with that. So I make sure I don't have to cope with that. I've enough life experience to know that other people don't know what I'm thinking unless I tell them.

He thought what he thought. You thought what you thought. You didn't know what the other was thinking.

I think this is a good learning curve for you regarding how best to communicate about you and your needs.

I wasn’t game playing, I genuinely didn’t know how to respond to that message. And particularly not as he didn’t follow up. And I still didn’t know where we were meeting.

Sorry, but no, I wouldn't expect someone to come and meet me as I'm an adult and capable of making my own way. The bed comment was clearly flirty and he probably expected a flirty response. Massively OTT IMO.

You made a decision, @Moonlightandroses44 and came on here I think hoping for validation that you did the right thing because you were doubting yourself.

It's having low standards and low self-esteem that partly keeps women in bad relationships. You listened to your gut and showed some self-respect. I'm amazed at the women on here who think you had no right to expect even some basic courtesy from him.

I think you know deep down that you've done the right thing so please don't let people telling you that you overreacted influence you into putting up with poor behaviour in a future relationship (or in this one in case it does get resurrected).

I don’t think you are overreacting at all I think he’s rude and selfish. To not hear from him all day, no plans in place, then expecting you to just meet him at the hotel. That is rude and he is not appreciating all of the effort you were put in.

It doesn’t have to be emotional abuse for the OP not to want to be with this bloke. If she doesn’t get his “jokes”, it’s just more evidence that they aren’t compatible. No point flogging a dead horse.

People are allowed to look for different things in a relationship, to have different ideals and expectations, different senses of humour, communication styles…

There is nothing wrong with the OP asserting that she wasn’t happy with how the day panned out, and changing her plans to improve the outcome for herself.

If he was surprised by her message, he is as much to blame for the communication breakdown as she is - communication is a two way street and the OP doesn’t carry the can for all the failings there.

Maybe he’s a perfectly nice bloke who misread the situation - anything’s possible. I really don’t think it’s him that’s dodged the bullet though.

So the OP worked all day, travelled for two hours after work to see him at a place where he had one meeting all day, and he couldn't be bothered to make plans or meet her at the station in the dark and in the rain....being an adult has nothing to do with it. It's basic courtesy and consideration. Jeez...

The guy didn't even bother to check if the OP was ok to get there - in the dark and in the rain! She'd had a day at work followed by a long journey and he couldn't be bothered to check she was alright to get to the hotel or to make plans. She said there were no taxis available. I think that's a bit different to your brother in law visiting.

Well presumably, he was working too? He had also travelled down (albeit for work). He may well have had one meeting at 12, but people don't generally clock off after their meeting, do they?

Dark and rain? Is she 10?

No you have not over reacted.
If he cannot be bothered to meet you at the station or make any enquiries about arrangements during the daytime then I would say 'he's just not that into you' . I would really expect to be picked up after going to so much trouble to get there.