To block him after this? (Text exchange)

[Moonlightandroses44]

A few months into dating. All seemed fine, some minor red flags but I second guessed my intuition. I had actually dared to let myself like this guy.

He lives quite far away but was travelling for work, so got a hotel for a couple of nights so we could also see each other. Ultimately though he was here primarily for his plans. This place was still nearly two hours on the train for me with changeover times. But seemed like a nice idea although I had to travel after work and it meant having to get up super early. I always do most of the travelling to see him, it makes sense for various reasons and I would normally be ok with it as long as it’s appreciated and recognised.

He was texting totally normally in the morning. Saying he was excited to see me. Then nothing from 10am until 30 mins before my train gets in at 7pm, which he knows. So I eventually ask where we’re meeting and I get this. I am obviously the green! Might need to click on the picture to see the whole thing.

To me it was a sleazy and lazy response and made me feel like I was being totally used and gross. He then says nothing when I don’t respond for ages to attempt to correct in case he just wasn’t thinking or could see it might have landed wrong.

AIBU to have literally turned around and gone home?! I had to wait two hours for the next train back. I got home at 1am. He literally has not said anything. Nor have I! Hasn’t checked I got home ok. I am contemplating just blocking but I’m still in shock.

Even if it were a misunderstanding or I was overreacting (possible), I am shocked at how cold he was and the complete U-turn and then silence. Like… what the hell happened?

The hotel was probably a ten minute walk from him tops. I mean, a simple, looking forward to seeing you, are you ok getting a taxi here? Would have sufficed.

I would be annoyed also. You clearly aren't compatible with each other. Don't lower your expectations or standards, hopefully a nice thoughtful bloke is around the corner for you.

Sadly I find there's a lot of blurred lines (as Robin Thicke would say) between what a man says and wants and what he actually does. See it all the time. Women do it too.

There's little to no politeness out there.

Can people really be bothered with the effort - and cost - of travelling for two hours for a hook-up? He'd have to be SPECTACULAR in bed (and also buying me a fancy dinner) for me to bother with that.

Probably not the key takeaway from this thread but anyway.

Even when she's told him in the same message that she's "in shock" and going home? It basically sounds like she's dumped him. It doesn't sound like a cue for him to say "oh, sorry" and come and meet her.

If it's a new relationship, even if it's fairly low commitment, he should be at the phase of trying to impress you and make an effort.

But isn't that the point?

It doesn't sound as if it was a relationship.

They live long distance ( maybe 4 hours away of 2 hours was closer to him than usual) and have dated for a 'few months'.

If they have only met half a dozen times or thereabouts and aren't exclusive, calling it a relationship is premature.

It doesn't sound at all like a relationship.

@Moonlightandroses44 How many times have you met and how far away does he live?

The bar you need to set higher is looking for men not so far away and insisting on exclusive if that's what you want.

At least it will frighten the time wasters off.

I think YABU. He was working all day; probably in a conference until 5pm, then catching up with emails. You then a strip off him for not being in contact while he was working. I think 'OK' was restrained as a response. Meeting in bed was probably a joke but also this is a very new relationship where is likely to be very important.

You’re examining if you were being unreasonable probably because his lack of response is making you question yourself. You behaved in the right way in that moment based on his behaviour on that day, and likely a conscious or subconscious but growing annoyance that you were making much more of the effort.

Many relationships start more equally, but as the man gets more confident he’s got the woman hooked his effort level decreases and the woman’s effort increases to fill the void.

I think if he’d had said “sorry, been running late all day is it ok for you to head here” you would have responded entirely differently.

If you’d have gone to the hotel, you could have been triggered by something else he did that made you feel unvalued or a travelling unpaid sex worker - if that had been after sex you’d have felt much worse and potentially been in a position of not being able to get the last train home.

On the subject of his response: he may have thought you completely overreacted and been blindsided and not known how to respond. He may have thought that he didn’t want to argue the toss at that time if you were angry, either because he’d get an earful or you wouldn’t be prepared to listen to reason. But it’s his lack of response subsequently that is the most telling part of this because it completely validates the decision you made.

If he really cared even a small amount he would want to at least find out if you got home safely, explain the way you took his message wasn’t the way it was intended, and to try and salvage something from the situation.

Sadly you have been making all the effort for a reason: he doesn’t care enough to meet you half way both literally and figuratively.

Haha. Exactly. Lucky me!

I wouldn’t say it was bad at all. But I did quite often have to help myself out. Which he got insecure about because he obviously didn’t want to feel like he was competing with a vibrator 😂

‘good to know I can’t be totally replaced by a plastic toy’. (After I paid him a compliment)

was one of my mini-red flags.

He wasn’t working all day :) he had one meeting.

I was though!

Have you heard anything from him op?

She's blocked him so she won't head from him now.

You've said this a few times, but what was he actually doing before and after his meeting? You're making it sound like he was twiddling his thumbs, whereas I would have assumed he'd be on his laptop working remotely like anyone else travelling for work. Do you know what he was doing?

Thank you, and yes I would have responded entirely differently had it been just a normal message. I agree the lack of anything since is the most telling thing. I’m shocked by it.

Aa-ha! Now we understand the heavy suitcase!
You’re well rid of this guy. He sounds inconsiderate at every level.

Nope! And no he isn’t blocked. Doesn’t look like I need to. He hasn’t blocked me either.

How many times have you seen him OP?

How far away does he live?

This is what I mean about a low bar that some posters have on here for behaviour in a relationship, however casual.

Sounds like a huge amount of effort on the OP's part and no amount of effort on his even for something casual. He couldn't even be bothered to come and meet her at the station, in the dark and in the rain. Yes, of course we're all big girls and could manage to get there ourselves but, if I had a friend meeting me, let alone someone I was sleeping with, I'd at least offer to come and meet them and suggest somewhere to eat after a long day of work and travel.

That's only really because he thinks you'll jump how high when he asks again. Don't do it to yourself please!

But the point is, in his mind it wasn't perhaps a relationship.

It's the age-old scenario of a woman (it usually is) thinking that a guy is more interested / emotionally invested than he is, when all he wants is to get his leg over (as often as possible.)

And when he has, and the woman travels 100s of miles to see him, he doesn't feel he needs to make an effort for her any more.

Expect a hoovering text in a week, something in the lines of “I’m so sorry babe, can we give it another try”.

You don’t give this another try.

He sounds married.

Why not address what I said. How am I patronising OP. Sex is enjoyed by both men and women not just men. The OP no longer wanted to have sex with him and that's fine but I'm sure she enjoyed the sex they had so far.

I do think you overreacted and it was fine for him to meet you in reception and then work out your plans for the evening together.

But I do think you should have finished with him for the negging alone.

Yeah he was constantly online after the exchange last night. Presumably waiting for my long paragraph.

I have considered it. And I wrote one, in my notes, but I think it was more for me. He doesn’t give a shit. He literally doesn’t even care if I made it home.

Yes this.

If someone agreed to meet me at a hotel I would assume we were meeting st the hotel. If you needed help getting there you could have said so!