To block him after this? (Text exchange)

[Moonlightandroses44]

A few months into dating. All seemed fine, some minor red flags but I second guessed my intuition. I had actually dared to let myself like this guy.

He lives quite far away but was travelling for work, so got a hotel for a couple of nights so we could also see each other. Ultimately though he was here primarily for his plans. This place was still nearly two hours on the train for me with changeover times. But seemed like a nice idea although I had to travel after work and it meant having to get up super early. I always do most of the travelling to see him, it makes sense for various reasons and I would normally be ok with it as long as it’s appreciated and recognised.

He was texting totally normally in the morning. Saying he was excited to see me. Then nothing from 10am until 30 mins before my train gets in at 7pm, which he knows. So I eventually ask where we’re meeting and I get this. I am obviously the green! Might need to click on the picture to see the whole thing.

To me it was a sleazy and lazy response and made me feel like I was being totally used and gross. He then says nothing when I don’t respond for ages to attempt to correct in case he just wasn’t thinking or could see it might have landed wrong.

AIBU to have literally turned around and gone home?! I had to wait two hours for the next train back. I got home at 1am. He literally has not said anything. Nor have I! Hasn’t checked I got home ok. I am contemplating just blocking but I’m still in shock.

Even if it were a misunderstanding or I was overreacting (possible), I am shocked at how cold he was and the complete U-turn and then silence. Like… what the hell happened?

The hotel was probably a ten minute walk from him tops. I mean, a simple, looking forward to seeing you, are you ok getting a taxi here? Would have sufficed.

YANBU I’d block him too! He’s showing no effort, not even bothering to send you messages throughout the day! He obviously doesn’t care much.

Anyone I’ve previously dated long distance has either travelled to collect me from the station or organised and paid for my Uber. If he wanted to, he would.

I did it for a few years in my early 30s after my previous marriage ended and I just hated this concept. Just so surprised as well at the standard of men on there, it took a lot of time to wade through the crap to find my now DH.

Why is op’s communication poor? It was him who disappeared after 10am and didn’t message her, not even to ask if she’d got on the train ok. She was the first one to message him half an hour before her train arrived! What poor communication are you talking about? What was she supposed to communicate? He clearly wasn’t bothered about making the effort with the op unless it was in bed.

Op you’ve said you’re traditional in relationships. But you don’t know if it’s exclusive? That is not how traditional goes. Trad would probably be no sex until he’s put a ring on it and said you’re a couple. Trad, you wouldn’t even be discussing exclusivity, it’d be a given. Clearly you have misgivings and the hotel events tipped it over the edge. If you’re not feeling it, fair enough. Best call things quits

I suggest if you are traditional and want traditional reciprocated (you clearly do) that you have that expectation conversation early on. So it’s clear what you want in a relationship . If important things are left unsaid that’s were assumptions arise

out of interest, does he know you’re traditional ?
did he know you’re expectation was to be met (as you’d do it for him)

anyway good luck with the dating going forward

I wasn't being misogynistic in the slightest, you're just leaping on every comment I'm posting because I've dared to disagree with you. I was talking about how he made OP feel re: paid delivery. I thought the Uber comment was tied into him covering train fair etc, but she's clarified otherwise. Can't comment on other times she's travelled to see him because OP hasn't said what those arrangements were.

It's more liekly he was pissed off that OP dared to express any discontent and didn't just do what he wanted.

Most likely, Ok =WTAF? As in Where did that come from? and nowt more to be said. Ba bye

I agree I'm sure he was pissed off.

But I suspect to him it appeared a weird unexpected disproprtional level of discontent and reaction.

Either way it seems they've both decided they don't like the behaviour of the other and it's over.

Worth the OP reflecting on what she's do differently in the future as she can only ccontrol her own behaviour, and I'd suggest: only sleep with men in exclusve realstionships who you know make you feel good.

Then a flirty 'meet you in bed' text is just fun times.

The thing that is bothering me the most is, why when I received that message was my instinct immediately ‘get off the train’. I literally got a sinking feeling. I felt shit.

and I am not like that as a person. I have a GSOH and we usually have good banter. I can take a joke. We flirt. I’m very relaxed.

so either I’ve gone insane or this triggered something I’d been subconsciously been picking up on that was confirmed. And I reacted.

I think you are hitting on somehting now OP.

It's not the words he said, it's your reaction to them.

I think it may be because yu don't know your status in the relationship, that's still up to be decided, so you are vulnerable to this unknown. His behaviour outside a secure realstionship could be interpreted as lazy and casual, and that triggered something in you: I don't want this.

You probably do want soemthing more 'traditional' but somehow have been led to think you can't expect that or ask for it.

You can and you should.

Because you suddenly clocked that you have been doing all the running and he could t be arsed to leave the hotel ( except for the gym).

It’s clear from this thread some women would happily travel just for the fun and the sex. He’s probably known plenty and so is nonplussed by your response. I think you’re not that woman but you only then clocked that he thought you were - and, if we’re being brutally honest, had probably given him that impression.

Fret not; move on. You’ve learned a lot about yourself, what you want, and how behaviours get construed.

Doesn't matter if you've over reacted or not. You considered it rude therefore you took yourself off home. Good for you for putting yourself first when unhappy. How many other people would have swallowed that feeling, slept with him then felt shitty

Nah I wouldn't have been impressed either

It was your subconcious. You ignored all the negging but this incident you could not ignore.

It sounds as though there were issues for you anyway (negging) and this confirmed it. I have some sympathy for him as it doesn't sound as though you communicated those issues to him so he had no idea anything was amiss...and a 50 minute pause in texting on a train, when you're likely to drop out of signal a lot, wouldn't be a worrying sign to me either.

Still, you weren't happy so I think things were going to come to a head one way or another anyway.

I remember your last thread where you overreacted to another innocuous comment he made.

Honestly, you’re very different people with very different expectations. You seem to want a lot of acknowledgement and appreciation and fuss (which is totally fair enough) and he’s not giving you that. You also seem to overthink and dissect every detail, as well as attaching meaning to things unnecessarily. Saying you just felt that something had happened during the day that caused this supposedly massive change in his personality. Sorry, but that’s insane.

You have to communicate your wants and needs if you feel like they’re not being met. You do a lot of assuming and thinking he should just know how you feel and what you want. He might just be thoughtless rather than actually being a dick, but instead of having a conversation and giving him a chance to respond, you ignored him for an hour and sent an unhinged rant about being an Uber prostitute.

I do think though that a man who’s really into you wouldn’t be put off by a little outburst though, and would’ve come and got you or at least phoned to talk it through. Throw him back OP, you’re never going to get what you want from this guy.

The opposite of 'competent' is not 'deserving of courtesy'.

I'm competent as fuck and have travelled all over the world solo for work and pleasure, but in the early months of our relationship (and still now, when his health is up to it) my DH would travel to the station to meet me, because he enjoyed my company and was excited for me arriving, and because he liked to be on hand to make things easier for me if he could. Not because I wasn't capable of managing my own case and belongings, but because it's a small, simple act of kindness that speaks volumes for his consideration of others. A small, simple act that the OP's now-ex seemingly was capable of in the past - presumably without the OP having to spell out in words of one syllable - but for reasons best known only to himself, decided was too much effort on this occasion. As was, apparently, sending any kind of text to make arrangements or suggest plans for the evening. He could find the effort to go to the gym though...really spelled out his priorities there.

I'm baffled by the low standards of these replies. If someone had been travelling hours to see me, I'd have the most basic manners to actually go meet them at the train station.

Me too. I would have done the same as you OP. It is just basic courtesy to meet someone if they've travelled a long way to see you. I would go to pick up a platonic friend from the station.....no questions asked. It's just being a decent person.

He is lazy and has made no effort. His "Ok" reaction afterwards tells you all you need to know. I would bet he's married or has a partner.

I don't think it's OTT to want to be treated with a bit of human courtesy and not like a sex worker. Nomatter how casual the relationship. I'm amazed by the low standards some posters on here have but then remind myself of all the threads on MN about lazy, feckless partners and am suddenly not so surprised.....

Good for you
Would of done the same

I'd travel for fun and sex, but not if I thought the man was open to seeing other women. Maybe you're onto something re: the OP and it's the underlying insecurity of it possibly not being exclusive and not wanting to ask, and so every little snag feels like a heavy hint that he's ultimately not that bothered. I can understand that.

It's something I've been mulling recently - the quadrant of non-exclusive to exclusive (one spectrum), and casual to marriage-like (the other spectrum). I think people often assume that the two must be linked, but should they? e.g. very causal but sexually exclusive would do me, at this point in my life. I don't need to live in someone's pocket but I do want a special sexual bond where I don't have to feel he's always looking over my shoulder. Whereas some people have full-on relationships with more than one person (I can't think of anything more exhausting). Obv for many people the two spectrums correlate, but it's useful to think about it broken down like that.

YANBU to have felt taken advantage of, but your response was quite immature and not timed well. This is clearly a symptom of a deeper issue.
A more helpful thing to do might have been to meet him and calmly have a conversation about how you've been feeling - you could have gauged his response much better that way.

A more helpful thing to do might have been to meet him and calmly have a conversation about how you've been feeling

They've only been dating a few months.

It shouldn't need this level of work!

@SoundTheSirens has said it best. "The opposite of 'competent' is not 'deserving of courtesy'."

If I like someone enough to go to bed with them then yes, I'd be pleased to meet them at the train station and would consider it a basic courtesy UNLESS they specifically said not to, or it was wildly impractical.

I wouldn't be impressed either, but then, I wouldn't have sex with someone I wasn't in an exclusive relationship with.

I hate to say it, but if you choose to do that, then many men out there will treat you like a sex worker

I think there’s a huge spectrum of expectations and the problem here has been that they were both on different parts of the spectrum.

One poster commented that traditional expectations means no sex before marriage which is fine but I think VERY traditional. There are other things I would call traditional that fall a bit short of that.

I phrased that dilemma as OP having given him the wrong impression but perhaps a kinder way to have expressed it was that she assumed he was closer in his expectations than he was. That doesn’t make her expectations wrong or OTT; but it does mean she needs to be more aware of the very different things people see as de rigeur. Some people have clarified they would be happy to travel to his door, have sex ( and enjoy it) and travel home and I think he genuinely thought she was one of them. Takes all sorts. Just know which sort you both are.