To block him after this? (Text exchange)

[Moonlightandroses44]

A few months into dating. All seemed fine, some minor red flags but I second guessed my intuition. I had actually dared to let myself like this guy.

He lives quite far away but was travelling for work, so got a hotel for a couple of nights so we could also see each other. Ultimately though he was here primarily for his plans. This place was still nearly two hours on the train for me with changeover times. But seemed like a nice idea although I had to travel after work and it meant having to get up super early. I always do most of the travelling to see him, it makes sense for various reasons and I would normally be ok with it as long as it’s appreciated and recognised.

He was texting totally normally in the morning. Saying he was excited to see me. Then nothing from 10am until 30 mins before my train gets in at 7pm, which he knows. So I eventually ask where we’re meeting and I get this. I am obviously the green! Might need to click on the picture to see the whole thing.

To me it was a sleazy and lazy response and made me feel like I was being totally used and gross. He then says nothing when I don’t respond for ages to attempt to correct in case he just wasn’t thinking or could see it might have landed wrong.

AIBU to have literally turned around and gone home?! I had to wait two hours for the next train back. I got home at 1am. He literally has not said anything. Nor have I! Hasn’t checked I got home ok. I am contemplating just blocking but I’m still in shock.

Even if it were a misunderstanding or I was overreacting (possible), I am shocked at how cold he was and the complete U-turn and then silence. Like… what the hell happened?

The hotel was probably a ten minute walk from him tops. I mean, a simple, looking forward to seeing you, are you ok getting a taxi here? Would have sufficed.

The man I've been loosely seeing for 18 months is like this when we're meeting later that day. Radio silence for majority of the day until I contact to say I'm on my way. So that bit doesn't surprise me.

I switch between driving to his and train. Both take at least 2 hours. Wherever I get the train, he will not let me walk the 10 mins to his house. He always comes and picks me up from the station. He'll tell me he's doing this the night before I travel.

If I drive up and he's already out, and not at home, he'll tell me where he is so I can park my car and go meet him in the arranged place. He'll tell me this the night before I travel up.

We have been to a hotel a few times. We've always got ourselves to the hotel and met there. We've communicated this arrangement at least 48 hrs before.

The one time we met in a pub before the hotel, we communicated this to each other at least 48 hours before.

So reading your response, I'd say you're both at fault here. Why on earth you didn't put the arrangements in place before you travelled is beyond me. I would never get on the train or start the drive if I didn't know the precise details of the arrangements at the final destination.

And the texts between you both...I think you've blown up and he's not made you feel wanted, aside from the "in bed" comment.

I don't think he'll be back in touch OP. Do you want him to be back in touch?

Your message was an overreaction.

He could have been joking or trying to be spontaneous/romantic and thought you’d enjoy the fact he’s waiting in bed for you.

You could have just replied asking him to meet you or explain how you feel in a more measured way.

However, I still think that YANBU because I completely see why you feel used and not much more than a prostitute.

The lack of communication throughout the day wouldn’t be a huge issue for me but him replying “ok” and nothing else would really piss me off.

Most people would have at least asked what you were on about and they’re sorry if they offended you.

Saying “ok” is such a slap in the face.

I think some readers are confused by the whole situation: the OP didn’t leave because she was skittish about sex. She left because the date did not indicate any interest in her wellbeing other than to make sure she was sexually available. He didn’t ask if she had eaten, or if she would like to freshen up in the hotel rooom and then go out for a drink. He didn’t bother to make any plans for the holiday. A booty call is a booty call, of course, but two hours on the train to deliver after work sex is a lot of work for OP.

I mean, personally I wouldn't be travelling 2 hours by train, on a work day, in February, on a rainy day, with a heavy case, to have sex with Brad Pitt. Who would have the energy after all that?!

Why wouldn't you make him come to you? Or meet half way? Or wait for a more convenient time and place? You're always the one doing the travelling, not unreasonable to think that you're able to manage this travel too.

Either way, clearly you don't think along the same lines, so are incompatible. Better to know now so you don't waste any more time or energy.

Yes, there seems to be very divided opinions on this. Definitely don't agree on your comments on what they guy in the q 'obviously' sees the OP as, or what 'clearly' shows - as you said, there are very different opinions on this.

I stand by an earlier comment following additional information from the OP that he's made shitty comments at other times. I think that is the root cause of her interpretation of this situation - we didn't know that when the thread started.

Thank you for articulating it so well. That’s exactly it.

I think he has had a lucky escape.

(Unless something major has happened in the last 20 pages than I can't be bothered to read)

YABU

To the in bed text.

“haha nice try 😘 my train gets in at X time then you may escort me to bed after we grab a bite and drink 😉 xx “

I mean there are 100’s of ways you could have responded rather than leaving someone on read who you want to sleep with.

You were right. Only you know how you feel about the whole situation and your reaction was based on that. You've been making all the effort and don't feel valued.

Chalk it up to experience and move on.

I agree

Talk about over egging an omelette.

You: Where shall we meet?
Him: In bed
You: are you at the hotel right now?
Him: Yes
You: I have a very heavy bag, can you please meet me at the station in 10 minutes?

This should have answered all your questions.
Look, nobody is saying you are not entitled to your feelings but you seem to have gone about it the wrong way. Sure, it is great to assert boundaries but they can be asserted in a normal non-emotive conversation.

But do we know that? We don't know if he'd prepared a surprise in the bedroom - or made plans for the evening - since the OP didn't give him a chance to show that. If this were what would happen: 'He didn’t ask if she had eaten, or if she would like to freshen up in the hotel rooom and then go out for a drink. He didn’t bother to make any plans for the holiday.'

• then it would be sloppy, but we don't know?

Some women around here have a very low bar. The fact that you almost always did the traveling while he just enjoyed the booty calls says it all. That alone would have been a big red flag for me. He saw you as a convenience, nothing more. Trust your instinct, OP, he's not worth your time.

literally a text confirming to meet at the hotel, without me having to ask just before I get in and then getting that response.

I can understand how you feel BUT can you see that you were doing the same?

The 'bed' was a flirty reply. It's odd you can't see if for that.

You were on your way to see him but you didn't contact him.
You seem slightly passive aggressive.

You're blaming him for not initiating where to meet but as a grown up woman, why didn't you start that conversation?

Why didn't you say 'My train gets in at 7pm, so will I see you on platform B at x o'clock?'

I hate to say it (and I have high standards of behaviour- or had- long-married now) but you come over as if you expect more from him than you give out yourself.

If this is all very casual, what do you expect?
I have the impression you are no more than FWB yet you're wanting far more than that.

That's 100% fine but you need to make it clear, not flounce off home on the next train.

I think you are both wanting different things.
He's being casual, you're wanting someone to treat you like it's very special.

But there are also 100s of way he could have messaged.

But he chose to send this message.

Well, it's a casual shag type relationship, new and not even had the exclusive talk. Nobody said he had to be "really into her" or it be serious or anything.

I think OP hoped it was more but that was all in her head and wasn't reality.

Op has already stated later on that he’s taken the piss out of her car and where she lives then covered it up as a ‘joke’! That in itself is the first sign of emotional abuse! He sounds like a childish prick and immature and that shows in his messages. I have a very low tolerance to such behaviour having being through it many times before and it’s not nice to be on the receiving end of it! My ex used to make silly immature ‘jokes’ like that and it was low key emotional abuse designed to make me feel like shit but covered up as a ‘joke’. It is one of the first signs of abuse. It is not her ‘interpretation’ of it at all, the guy is an obvious twat.

It seems you have very low standards in what you are willing to tolerate

I stand by my words too! But nowadays I’m used to dealing with more grown up men so I would never tolerate such bullshit again.

But the OP set all of this up and agreed to it.
No one made her do all the travelling.
No one said it was more than just FWB.

It's that this event has really rubbed that home to her.

I hate to say it (and I have high standards of behaviour- or had- long-married now) but you come over as if you expect more from him than you give out yourself.

Bit unfair. She travels to see him all the time and had just travelled two hours after a day of work.

You felt like uber eats so you did not over react getting next train home.

So I need to do all of the travelling and all the firming up of the plans? It’s not about literal practicalities. It was the feeling of entitlement. And not caring.

@Moonlightandroses44 well done for trusting your instincts and going straight home.
I find some of the replies on here sad. People do have really low expectations.
You mentioned a few times not wanting to fee like an unpaid prostitute. I would say that is exactly how he saw you.
Always judge people by their actions. He is a shit and I’m glad you got away.

You are totally right, I would have done the same. He doesn't deserve you.

After all your travelled, carrying things and on the rain, the least he could have done was wait for you at the station. He really does see you beyond a casual relationship, don't waste more time with him.

Op has already stated later on that he’s taken the piss out of her car and where she lives then covered it up as a ‘joke’!

Playing devil's advocate there are examples where the OP seems to have a sense of humour fail.

Which begs the question if the 'jokes' are jokes but she doesn't pick them up as such.

Someone making a comment about my old banger might get a reply from me like 'Yep, you're right there, it's on its last legs.'

Hardly emotional abuse FGS.

What did he say previously when you asked him if he could travel to visit you for a change?