To block him after this? (Text exchange)

[Moonlightandroses44]

A few months into dating. All seemed fine, some minor red flags but I second guessed my intuition. I had actually dared to let myself like this guy.

He lives quite far away but was travelling for work, so got a hotel for a couple of nights so we could also see each other. Ultimately though he was here primarily for his plans. This place was still nearly two hours on the train for me with changeover times. But seemed like a nice idea although I had to travel after work and it meant having to get up super early. I always do most of the travelling to see him, it makes sense for various reasons and I would normally be ok with it as long as it’s appreciated and recognised.

He was texting totally normally in the morning. Saying he was excited to see me. Then nothing from 10am until 30 mins before my train gets in at 7pm, which he knows. So I eventually ask where we’re meeting and I get this. I am obviously the green! Might need to click on the picture to see the whole thing.

To me it was a sleazy and lazy response and made me feel like I was being totally used and gross. He then says nothing when I don’t respond for ages to attempt to correct in case he just wasn’t thinking or could see it might have landed wrong.

AIBU to have literally turned around and gone home?! I had to wait two hours for the next train back. I got home at 1am. He literally has not said anything. Nor have I! Hasn’t checked I got home ok. I am contemplating just blocking but I’m still in shock.

Even if it were a misunderstanding or I was overreacting (possible), I am shocked at how cold he was and the complete U-turn and then silence. Like… what the hell happened?

The hotel was probably a ten minute walk from him tops. I mean, a simple, looking forward to seeing you, are you ok getting a taxi here? Would have sufficed.

Oh, so because I don't expect men to wait on me hand and foot and I see them as my equals, my DP must be pathetic? Christ, it's not 1950.

Exactly this. If someone stops making the basic effort 3 months in, bin them off. Imagine what they'll be like 3 years down the line.

Ok so when he replied with ‘in bed’ and didn’t follow up for half an hour with an actual location, how exactly should I have responded? Like I was literally at a loss of what to say.

if it was a joke he should have followed up with the actual location. Like straight away.

I know the hotel. But I didn’t even know if he was there. Like how exactly was I supposed to take it? How should I have responded to that?

it felt like a weird thing to say to then just leave it hanging.

No I don’t think you are overreacting. You’ve got good boundaries, and as a woman in a man’s world - hold tight to them.

They are your boundaries, we all have different ones. Please don’t let anyone tell you that your boundaries are wrong.

I once travelled 4 hours by train to visit my boyfriend for the weekend. He picked me up from the station alright, but when we got back to the house he shared with two other blokes - he only then told me that the three of them were just about to go off on a boys only pissup, that night - but it would be ok because he would be home by midnight and we’d have all of Saturday and Sunday morning (before I got back on the train home which would take even longer because of Sunday Services).

So after travelling all that way, I got to spend my Friday evening sitting alone in his house share. Oh and he didn’t come back at midnight, he didn’t get back till after 3am and was steaming, paralytic drunk and hungover all Saturday.

This was a long time ago, and I didn’t have boundaries, and Reader, I married the fucker.

Woah complete overreaction

Low quality, negging, inconsiderate men like this are ten a penny. Good you threw this one back relatively early.

This thread is a the perfect display of why there are so many threads on the Relationship boards of woman feeling they are being taken for granted.

As so many things that are unacceptable at the start of a relationship are overlooked. Or excuses as 'jokes'.

Hence OP is having her arse handed to her for standing up for herself and having standards.

Spot on. I haven't troubled to count the number of posts containing the word 'drama', but predictably there are a lot. It's what people often say in an attempt to disparage a woman who's dared to assert her boundaries. As ever, when that accusation is used as a putdown, there was no 'drama'. OP communicated perfectly clearly. On arrival, finding herself unhappy with the situation, she didn't show up and create a scene. She simply made her displeasure known and left.

My advice to OP would be this: do not trust the judgement of MN on these issues in future, and certainly don't look for endorsment of your views on this medium. You're not likely to find it. The misogyny is strong around here, and the fact that it would seem to be emanating from other women doesn't let them off the hook for it.

Mumsnet often doesn't remotely appreciate women with boundaries, unless a woman posts with a clear indication that she has none. Then she'll be put back in her box for being a weak pushover.

Your own judgement and instincts are sound. You don't need ours.

Yep.

If you've been seeing the man for a few months, and have previously slept together, then I think your response is bonkers. I don't understand why you reacted like that, but I think he's probably the one who has had a lucky escape. But it would be very different if you've not had sex before.

But according to the time stamps he followed the bed line up immediately with 'I'll come and meet you in reception" – he sent it literally the same minute! So why would you be confused about whether he was at the hotel or not? He didn't leave the bed comment hanging at all.

Edited: Just realised there was a delay between the bed comment, my mistake!

My response still would've been 'See you in reception in a bit.' Then, if I was still pissed off about him not meeting me at the station, I'd have brought it up over drinks.

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread, Just wanted to say I think you made the correct call OP if you are looking for a serious relationship and am impressed with you for your text back and sacking him off and going home.
A guy who makes little to no effort to travel to meet you for dates - without even considering his bed text - is not looking for something serious.
Might not be cool to say this, but the truth is that when a man is really into a woman he will be prepared to make a LOT of effort to see her.

Thank you. I appreciate it, I really do. I wasn’t trying to ‘flounce’. Which was why I waited to be sure I was definitely going to leave before responding.

I had to be sure I was going to decisively act rather than whinge and whine but not do anything.

No he didn’t… maybe look at the picture again.

it was not immediately followed up.

Hmm, I responded to your comment where you said 'I’m in a LDR and my bf always makes...' - so presumably we're both in established relationships, and you still feel a need to be met at the station (every time?). I don't! I always appreciate friends and partners making an effort, but I'd be happy to, for example, get there and find a three course dinner waiting for me in the oven (making it difficult to leave home and meet me at the station), or some other effort made about something else when we meet, but no, I don't necessarily need to be met at the station.

I struggle to fathom why it would be different and ‘not ok’ for him to do that if they hadn’t had sex? Does having sex now mean that women should be treated like mugs once they do so?

Ok understood.

I didn’t even know if he was in the hotel though.

honestly I was expecting a follow up saying he’d meet me at the station as he has done previously.

You are being completely unreasonable. Stop blaming him.

You've picked someone who lives so far away you never see him except if you do all the running. YOU are the unavailable one. And then to turn round and go home just cause the poor guy said that...you've travelled two hours to meet him in a hotel for fuck sakes! What did you think was the nature of your relationship?

I've corrected my comment - I misread the timing. I still think you overreacted though, sorry! You accused him of using you as a sexual commodity that he'd paid for, which is pretty brutal.

Maybe reply with “haha 😜. My train gets in at xxx, can you meet me at the platform? Want to drop the case before we head out/ have dinner. Can’t wait to see you”

you seem so needy, have a laugh and tell him what you want, he is not a mind reader.

She stropped over the joke. And she sat on a train for two hours after a normal working day, she didn’t climb Kilimanjaro.

Well that’s up to you. But the op and many others see it differently. As I said, you’re in a relationship, the guy in question on this thread obviously sees op as a non serious hookup. He doesn’t care about the op and that clearly shows in his messages to her.

Ok.. coming at this as someone who's doing a LDR with a kind of fwb situation. (its complicated, but thats where it is when it boils down).

He always travels to me, we always get a hotel. We both drive, we meet AT the hotel... he is also cheeky and would send that 'in the bed' text to me.

However, couple of questions for you.

Have you both got a hotel like this before, or have you always gone to his and he meets you at the tube?

you said he was silent all day, did you message him at all and him not respond, or were you silent expecting him to message you?

When you agreed to meet at the hotel, did either of you have a conversation about what the plans were when you arrived?

If he always meets you going to his, of course its natural to assume he would meet you off the train, but he wasn't AT his, he was at a hotel, that he knew you were coming to... so how is he meant to be a mind reader that you're still expecting him to come meet you off the train?

Whenever my guy and me make new arrangements, i ALWAYS ask the questions, you picking me up, or are we meeting there? What time? What are the plans.

Seems to me like you've waited around all day with some expectations that you've not voiced, then got pissed off that he's not read your mind... you need to sort out that communication and talk like an adult, not have a strop because he's failed to stand up to your imagined scenario that you haven't at any point told him about.

Read her message to him again, she stropped over his whole lack of effort not just the joke!

you could have followed up to the bed comment in any number of ways, either saying - nah, you can come to meet me at the station or saying you;d get a cab and see him there, whats the room number (assuming its a hotel you can just go up to a room, and not one which needs a card to access the lift)

so you not responding to the in bed comment created the issue. He was waiting for a response and probably just assumed you'd text back something flirty too.

(i assume he was also in the hotel gym, with his phone, so could pop into reception 1 min after a text confirming she'd arrived)