To block him after this? (Text exchange)

[Moonlightandroses44]

A few months into dating. All seemed fine, some minor red flags but I second guessed my intuition. I had actually dared to let myself like this guy.

He lives quite far away but was travelling for work, so got a hotel for a couple of nights so we could also see each other. Ultimately though he was here primarily for his plans. This place was still nearly two hours on the train for me with changeover times. But seemed like a nice idea although I had to travel after work and it meant having to get up super early. I always do most of the travelling to see him, it makes sense for various reasons and I would normally be ok with it as long as it’s appreciated and recognised.

He was texting totally normally in the morning. Saying he was excited to see me. Then nothing from 10am until 30 mins before my train gets in at 7pm, which he knows. So I eventually ask where we’re meeting and I get this. I am obviously the green! Might need to click on the picture to see the whole thing.

To me it was a sleazy and lazy response and made me feel like I was being totally used and gross. He then says nothing when I don’t respond for ages to attempt to correct in case he just wasn’t thinking or could see it might have landed wrong.

AIBU to have literally turned around and gone home?! I had to wait two hours for the next train back. I got home at 1am. He literally has not said anything. Nor have I! Hasn’t checked I got home ok. I am contemplating just blocking but I’m still in shock.

Even if it were a misunderstanding or I was overreacting (possible), I am shocked at how cold he was and the complete U-turn and then silence. Like… what the hell happened?

The hotel was probably a ten minute walk from him tops. I mean, a simple, looking forward to seeing you, are you ok getting a taxi here? Would have sufficed.

If I had paid for train tickets for the guy I was seeing to come and stay with me in a hotel which I had also booked, and then they threw a strop and went home because I didn't mind read they wanted to meet at the station then I'd reply "ok" too. Life's too short.

I completely understand how you must've felt. I think you did the right thing going home.

But I can also understand how an emotionally incompetent person would not know how to reply to your text, much less someone who is a bit lazy and not looking for a serious relationship. So I can understand how he might have felt that text was, in effect, him being dumped.

But no, you are not unreasonable to feel used from the initial exchange. Also, is it generally a thing now that you can be sleeping with each other but not exclusive? Blimey.

He has met me at the station before so it made this feel like a very sudden U-turn.

but he has also said low-key kind of mean stuff. Taking the piss out of my car. And where I live. And then passing it off as a joke but I was always a bit 😕 about a few things. But generally it all seemed fine. He seemed to like me. So I second guessed.

it very much felt like ‘oh I can stop making an effort now and be blatant about the fact I’m waiting for you to turn up and shag me ‘ when I was already invested in the journey.

literally a text confirming to meet at the hotel, without me having to ask just before I get in and then getting that response. Would have been fine.

Wow, you hit the nuclear button there.

Can you imagine from his point of view - he's also travelled, he's also put in a full day's work, and now it's finally time to relax and have a lovely time together with you!

Except you throw a massive strop out of nowhere, and declare that you are turning round and going home.

If I were him (I'm a woman, but either way) - I'd be thinking WTF, bullet dodged.

I mean yeah, extra nice if he had offered to come and meet you, but he was obviously just looking forward to meeting, rather than fretting about your route from station to hotel.

In your position, I'd have been looking forward to arriving and climbing into bed! And that's nothing to do with boundaries or standards - it's because I enjoy sex and wouldn't turn, run and block over something as trivial as this. You could just have asked him to come and meet you and he would probably have been happy to - now, if he wouldn't, then that's a problem.

'Treated like that' is probably where we disagree. A guy is waiting for you in the hotel that he's booked. He may or may not have made any particular arrangements for a meal or anything else - we have no idea. The assumption that he is just sitting there waiting for someone who feels like a 'delivery service' (later expressed as 'prostitute') is made by the OP and some commentators: he's not made any indication that that's the way he sees it.

Commenting on a two hour train journey almost in the terms of having to undergo hardship seems completely excessive. And I agree with others, how heavy can a two day bag be? (I don't always, but most people I know use bags with wheels, which makes it even easier.) A ten minute walk, come on...

Yes, it would have been nicer if he'd met you. But your reaction seems completely OTT. If I'd had a relationship with someone who had responded like this I'd probably also have felt that it's just as good you return home then, you sound completely pissed off and something must have happened to you today...

A more reasonably response would have been expressing that you feel put out and asking him what his contribution to the evening is, or similar. Or even meeting up and letting him understand that you felt used. But using the heavy artillery immediately? No, to me you come across as someone I'd be wary of interacting with...

@Whiskerson
He didn't do a full days work, he only had one meeting in the morning.

Completely agree with @Whiskerson and @yellowonion . Its a beginning of a relationships, its all light-hearted, fun and sex. Guy booked a hotel, waiting for her, maybe planned a meal, wants to see her, feels flirty and horny.

OP, on the other hand, treats it like she is meeting her DP of ten years.

Yeah, I agree with this tbh.

You're not exclusive and it’s still fairly casual. You’re a grown woman who’s clearly very capable.

It’s entirely reasonable for you to be able to get off the train, grab a taxi/uber and meet him at the hotel. All the dramatics about rain, being tired, and a heavy case are ridiculous. We’re not in the 1950s - women are perfectly capable of organising themselves to get to a hotel without faintly weakly.

Also, surely you both discuss plans? You don’t just turn up and expect him to have laid on an evening of entertainment? A simple “I’ll get the train, meet me at the station and then what do you fancy - meal or drinks out?” would have solved all of this handwringing.

If you want a man who’s going to adopt a more chivalrous role then you need to seek out that kind of relationship. This may not be FWB but you’ve had no conversation about being exclusive and you say you’re sleeping with each other with a view to dating. Your situation isn’t on a par with your expectations of him.

If I got a text like that I’d think “fuck that, way too much drama” and you wouldn’t hear from me again. I would say he’s either just letting you cool off, or more likely he’s not interested in pursuing things. Your behaviour was probably a red flag to him.

FWIW, I think going home was the right reaction. You were clearly annoyed (no matter how unreasonable I think that is) and I don’t think there’s any way to recover from that kind of festering resentment.

As PP have said, I think you need a more traditional type of relationship where you’re “courted”. You yourself admit you like traditional roles so that’s probably where this all went wrong.

This is were we differ, I have high standards with men, even when they're fuck buddies. I expect to be treated with kindness, you seem to believe it's justified a man treating you unkindly if it's just casual sex, and that's why I call it "internalised misoginy". So a person travels to you for two hours, rainy day, after a day of work and getting up at 5am and you don't even ask "do you want me to pick you up from the station?" It's called basic manners.

'but he has also said low-key kind of mean stuff. Taking the piss out of my car. And where I live. And then passing it off as a joke but I was always a bit 😕 about a few things. But generally it all seemed fine. He seemed to like me. So I second guessed.'

See this is the root problem. You've not been completely happy about this so that made you overreact. I would not have met someone again if they'd made fun of where I live etc in anything other than an 'agreed' lighthearted way.

You're probably both better off without each other.

This is bang on. (No pun intended.)

I do think that his joke/flirting landed poorly with you…… and that you over reacted somewhat. Lots of girls would have found that funny, but you didn’t and that’s ok. I can understand you’re upset and feeling like a piece of meat being delivered to his hotel room!

I think the biggest issue for me is the “Ok” and then nothing. I would have expected him to phone/text you straight away and say “hey sorry that was a joke, I didn’t mean to upset you - don’t get on the train home etc” For this reason I would block and not contact further. He’s obviously not that arsed, so you shouldn’t be either.

I think you have that the wrong way around.

In the beginning of a relationship when it's all light-hearted, fun and sex, men will normally put more effort in to making a woman feel special and being thoughtful because they're trying to win her over and maybe enjoy it themselves!

It's often the DPs of 10 years who wouldn't be arsed with that stuff.

If my DH is meeting me off the train he comes and finds me off the platform because we are excited to see each other and he wants it to be easier for me. I think you are absolutely right. If he's not excited enough to see you to go out of his way then he's not good enough.

Also, why is everyone talking about a two-hour train journey like it's an expedition to the Antarctic?! In fact, OP says the journey was just under two hours. That's like travelling from London to Brighton. It's hardly a gruelling trip!

I think its all about demands and expectations. New person - you don't know them, take it easy, small steps, discuss stuff. DP of ten years - knows you well, can almost "read your mind", understands your reactions.

Nah I would have been pissed off by that too, meeting you at the station would have been the kind/natural/gentlemanly thing to do although maybe your question about where you would be meeting led him to believe you didn't expect him to come and meet you there. Sounds like other negative things about him so onwards and upwards.

Please read my other posts as a lot of this is wrong.

he hasn’t put in a full day’s work. He had one meeting. At like 12pm. And then went to the gym.

he was travelling there anyway, and getting the hotel anyway.

also my case was heavy as I packed for two nights and had all my work stuff with me. It’s kind of a non-issue. I’m not sure why it’s being picked upon so much 😂

Ah, I'd missed that detail. Though I'm also now sceptical of it - surely he'd have been working remotely the rest of the day, rather than take leave or skive off just to use the hotel gym? He must have his own things to be getting on with?

Just to respond to the comments about the OP expecting to be treated like a serious girlfriend when the relationship isn't yet serious (or whatever the terminology is these days) - I actually don't see it this way, my response is the same whether he is a fuck buddy or husband. Women should expect to be treated well and with chivalry by any man they are involved with - but I don't see that he hasn't treated her well. He even paid her train fare. It seems he can't do right for doing wrong.

Anyway…. If you find it acceptable to be treated like that then good for you! My standards are much higher and I wouldn’t tolerate such crap! I’m in a LDR and my bf always makes the effort to message me to ask what time my train is arriving and he always comes to meet me at the station 😊

And why are you talking to me as if I’m the op?

She only said those things as part of the stroppy message. She didn’t communicate before then.

In fact she started with “where are we meeting” when she should have said “can you meet me at the station”.

I say should have said, because that is what she wanted, although if I were meeting up with somebody in a neutral location, I would assume we both make our own way there, especially when it was a short walk away and both people would be on foot.

Just because women have been told we can do anything, some women have been foolish enough to believe we should do everything. This man seemed to be making minimal effort and I think you did the right thing. "Joking" mean comments about your car and where you live don't suggest somebody who cares much about you. My husband after 30 years still brings me coffee in bed in the morning (and he doesn't even drink coffee himself). Yes, I could go downstairs and make it myself but he brings it because he wants to please me.

Well, are you saying he went to the gym and basically twiddled this thumbs for 7 hours? Is that what he's said? It seems like a strange assumption, but if that's true then that's more of a turn-off than not offering to pick you up - who wants a man who dosses about all afternoon?

That’s my commute to London and I also have to get up early 😂😂

I'm with you, OP. He's not making the effort for past dates and he isn't now. It is all convenient for him but not for you. Now you are the spoilsport for being tired and cold and not feeling the fun vibe! This could be sorted out though if both you and he think it has legs.