To block him after this? (Text exchange)

[Moonlightandroses44]

A few months into dating. All seemed fine, some minor red flags but I second guessed my intuition. I had actually dared to let myself like this guy.

He lives quite far away but was travelling for work, so got a hotel for a couple of nights so we could also see each other. Ultimately though he was here primarily for his plans. This place was still nearly two hours on the train for me with changeover times. But seemed like a nice idea although I had to travel after work and it meant having to get up super early. I always do most of the travelling to see him, it makes sense for various reasons and I would normally be ok with it as long as it’s appreciated and recognised.

He was texting totally normally in the morning. Saying he was excited to see me. Then nothing from 10am until 30 mins before my train gets in at 7pm, which he knows. So I eventually ask where we’re meeting and I get this. I am obviously the green! Might need to click on the picture to see the whole thing.

To me it was a sleazy and lazy response and made me feel like I was being totally used and gross. He then says nothing when I don’t respond for ages to attempt to correct in case he just wasn’t thinking or could see it might have landed wrong.

AIBU to have literally turned around and gone home?! I had to wait two hours for the next train back. I got home at 1am. He literally has not said anything. Nor have I! Hasn’t checked I got home ok. I am contemplating just blocking but I’m still in shock.

Even if it were a misunderstanding or I was overreacting (possible), I am shocked at how cold he was and the complete U-turn and then silence. Like… what the hell happened?

The hotel was probably a ten minute walk from him tops. I mean, a simple, looking forward to seeing you, are you ok getting a taxi here? Would have sufficed.

Old fogey alert - I think this is exactly what happens when you engage in the nonsense of 'dating with a view to having a relationship' - no one knows where they stand, there are misunderstandings and resentments and it's all a bit pointless.

Had this situation happened when my DH and I were first going out, he definitely would have met me at the station unless I told him not to. But that was because we were in a relationship and we both understood what we expected from each other.

You made a very big effort for someone who is sort of committed to you. That messed with your head and you flipped when you didn't get what you (secretly, silently) expected.

In future, be clearer about what you expect from someone you're seeing, then if they let you down you're at least a bit clearer that you set your expectations first.

I think you did the right thing OP. If I think about my husband (who is an absolute prince among men) in that situation he would definitely have picked me up at the station. There’s a chance he would have sent the original flirty text but it would have been quickly followed up by ‘just joking, meet you at the station, can’t wait’ type thing. This one’s not the guy. Keep your standards high and you’ll find him! (I would recommend not sleeping with someone until you’re exclusive, but obviously that’s up to you!).

It has nothing to do with enjoyment. I enjoy sex but I’m still not going to do it with randoms who just want a hookup. I expect a relationship to accompany the sex, and to be treated with respect. I would be peed off if a man was treating me like a fuck buddy instead of a girlfriend, no matter how much I enjoyed the sex.

It's so lame.
The normal thing to do would be to meet your lover off their 7pm train to go for a drink or dinner before the hotel.
The normal thing to do if someone is feeling upset is to immediately call and start walking, not reply "ok".

He sounds pathetic and uninvested

I would've wanted him to at least offer to meet me at the station too OP. The bed bit was fine though. Just flirty/funny.

I agree with @BallaiLuimni

It's not always the case, but the impression you have given on your previous dates has possibly set the scene for his casual behaviour.

If you want something more tender, loving and serious, set the bar higher much earlier.

Casual, long distance sex with no discussions over what exactly you both want or expect tends to become a pattern.

He didn't behave badly IMO if this is how it's always been.

You've been too available and, like a lot of men, he's lazy and when it's handed to him on a plate, he just takes it.

This. Even if you were overreacting (and you say there have been other small signs that he was negging you so you were already somewhat on alert for poor behaviour from him) he had a clear opportunity to put it right and he didn't with a call or a run down to the station to meet you and he didn't.

I think the lesson to be learned for next time is that you ask when making the plan with someone where they will meet you. Then reconfirm on the day that he is meeting you 'as it's raining'. And when you get radio silence all day possibly even say at 4pm. 'Not heard from you all day. Are we still on? I am supposed to leave for the train in an hour but only if I hear from you that it's still on'

What were these negging comments?

I'd probably have given him a chance to redeem himself and not gone straight back. Said something like "I travelled all this way and you're not going to meet me at the station?" I guess since you did go straight back and the text feels very definite, he figured your mind was made up. But yeah, the fact that he hasn't apologised or made any further comment suggests he never intended to put himself out or make any effort.

Massive overraction here! How heavy was your case for a two night stay?
you can’t cope with getting up early once a week? Surely you could have rested on the train and in the Hotel. Super over dramatic over nothing, the Hotel was 10 mins away hardly a hardship.
he dodged a bullet here. Your text is dramatic and over the top. A simple “could you come and meey me at the station and help with my case?” Would have been enough. Again what did you pack for two nights away??

I’m totally with you OP - I think that text is grim, not flirtatious, and the whole situation would have me running for the hills.

It doesn’t really matter if other people wouldn’t mind it, or would enjoy a bit of banter - you don’t, so at the very least you aren’t compatible with this man.

Well done for standing up for your boundaries and not just accepting something you weren’t comfortable with.

To the contrary, why not walk ten minutes down the road to meet someone who had travelled so long to meet you, if you ‘want to see them no matter what’.

I think this is about the wider context here. He’s already comfortable in the hotel. Hasn’t worked much. Knows when she’s due to arrive and hasn’t even double checked the location / checked all is ok. She has to text first? Then gets that response.

it’s low effort and a shit ‘joke’ if that’s what it was meant to be.

I totally get it, OP.

In your rush to shame the OP I guess you didn't read all her posts

Maybe you would like to be treated like that then? Or do you just accept this sort of behaviour from men?

‘ when someone shows you who they are , BELIEVE them ‘ . I live by this quote . He literally showed you who he is , thankfully before you were more invested , just move on and resolve to never think about it / him . He does not deserve it.

I wouldn’t have apologised after your frankly aggressive and over dramatic text “shocked” come on!
also I wouldn’t check in if capable can get a 2 hour train in their own country, I would assume if there is an issue or delays the other person would let me know. Don’t be so needy.

100%.

A man who is really into you and appreciates you would have been far more thoughtful.

And if this man sees her message as a 'red flag' then that's a red flag in itself that he lacks emotional intelligence and/or just doesn't care if someone feels hurt.

What sort of behaviour? I say what I want! If I expect to be met at the station just say it! Instead of ranting away!
“please come and meet me and help with my suitcase”

Following that message from you, I would expect you to be the one that follows up, as it was quite arsey and unnecessary. I wouldn’t go chasing someone who spoke to me like that, so I’m not surprised he didn’t message you any further.

Equally, whilst I do think you overreacted, you also feel wronged so I’m not surprised you didn’t message any further either.

I know what you mean - DH did the same to me once before we married. But, rather than sending a stroppy message, I told him that it would have been nice if he met me when I got off the train. The next time, he was standing there before the train got in. Better communication is what’s needed, rather than expecting him to read your mind and know what you wanted and what sort of day you had.

I think your actions were spot on and if I was wearing a hat I would take it off to you.

So I think you totally overreacted to what was a flirty joke, punctuated by the emoji. He wasn't necessarily to know that you had a heavy case, was tired etc. You could have asked if he could meet you at the station.
I think it was also safe to presume you would want to go the hotel first to freshen up/leave your stuff before heading out for dinner.
Finally, given you unloaded out of nowhere, unfairly imo, I'm not surprised by his OK, he was probably in shock at that msg.

I do wish that @Moonlightandroses44 would come back because what's missing from all of this is why was this so different to all the other meetings?

She always does the travelling.

Where do they usually meet?

How far is it?

Does she go to his home?

Does he make the effort there?

I'd have been fine with the flirty comment if it had been immediately followed by "I'll meet you at the station" and anything else showing a degree of concern/interest after the OPs journey.

He's low effort, sounds complacent and I think a bullet is dodged. Not surprised Prince Charmless has not had long relationships.

"Demand to meet in the room" – oh come on, he did no such thing. He intimated they could meet in bed, with a blowing kiss emoji. To me, that's lighthearted and flirty and not predatory as PP are making out!

That’s the point though. I don’t think he was unkind or treating her with no respect. This appears to be a mutual decision regarding how the relationship is run. If it doesn’t work for either of them for any reason then they speak up or end it.