To block him after this? (Text exchange)

[Moonlightandroses44]

A few months into dating. All seemed fine, some minor red flags but I second guessed my intuition. I had actually dared to let myself like this guy.

He lives quite far away but was travelling for work, so got a hotel for a couple of nights so we could also see each other. Ultimately though he was here primarily for his plans. This place was still nearly two hours on the train for me with changeover times. But seemed like a nice idea although I had to travel after work and it meant having to get up super early. I always do most of the travelling to see him, it makes sense for various reasons and I would normally be ok with it as long as it’s appreciated and recognised.

He was texting totally normally in the morning. Saying he was excited to see me. Then nothing from 10am until 30 mins before my train gets in at 7pm, which he knows. So I eventually ask where we’re meeting and I get this. I am obviously the green! Might need to click on the picture to see the whole thing.

To me it was a sleazy and lazy response and made me feel like I was being totally used and gross. He then says nothing when I don’t respond for ages to attempt to correct in case he just wasn’t thinking or could see it might have landed wrong.

AIBU to have literally turned around and gone home?! I had to wait two hours for the next train back. I got home at 1am. He literally has not said anything. Nor have I! Hasn’t checked I got home ok. I am contemplating just blocking but I’m still in shock.

Even if it were a misunderstanding or I was overreacting (possible), I am shocked at how cold he was and the complete U-turn and then silence. Like… what the hell happened?

The hotel was probably a ten minute walk from him tops. I mean, a simple, looking forward to seeing you, are you ok getting a taxi here? Would have sufficed.

I’d say it’s obvious what sort of case op was talking about. She had made it obvious she had travelled and it was pouring with rain.

Got to admit, I read his messages three times looking for the problem 😐 then read your reply to find out. I don’t think his messages were problematic at all.

It seems you had an expectation that isn’t necessarily the norm. When I’ve been in similar situations, whoever is travelling just makes their way to the hotel, unless other plans have been made.

You say you felt like you were being shipped to his hotel for sex on tap - well, yes…. that’s kinda the choice you made when planning to travel to this guys hotel for sex 🤔

You say you’re “not exclusive” and you’re already sleeping together, so to me the plan to go to the hotel was to have sex and perhaps a “date”, though it sounds like you’re not serious, so….

It’s fine if you feel he’s not living up to your expectations, but he definitely hadn’t done anything wrong as such. Wasting your own time by going home was probably an overreaction. I think I’d have either asked him to meet me or had a conversation about it after arriving, then had a nice time and made a decision afterwards about whether to continue this setup if you feel it’s not right for you.

Unless there is some overriding reason @Moonlightandroses44 I think it's a mistake to do all the legwork.

It sets a tone. Makes it too easy.

I can't see how you ended up doing all the travelling.

You could meet halfway at a hotel. Or get an Airbnb for the weekend.

In the past, DH and I were long distance and it was a 2 hour drive.
We took turns.

He had his own place, I was house-sharing, so in effect I preferred to go to him, but I still 'made him' come to see me to keep some balance.

My only query over this incident is how did it doffer from all the other times you've done the journey?

Has he ever met you before? Were your days together planned?
Or was it a 2hr trip for sex and a takeaway pizza?

Travel lighter in future. Don't bring more stuff than you can easily carry or push.

My 2pence worth…

Your text to him comes across as a big overreaction, I have read the whole thread and can’t see how it was justified unless you were already in a simmering pissed off mood.

But you don’t seem to have arranged plans with him for meeting etc either, why hadn’t you messaged earlier than 30mins before your train got in, it’s not just for him to do, even a quick message when you left work/got on the train to say you were on your way, you would then have had the whole journey to sort what you were doing when got there.

His reply of “ok” is because he is shocked at your message and doesn’t know what to say - no one wants to be pulled into dramas of someone overreacting out of the blue. I don’t blame him, a very usual reaction on the receiving end of that I would say

He is quite possibly feeling he has had a lucky escape

And all because of poor communication on part of both of you and avoidable….

OP being cold and tired was not the problem here.

It wasn't a joke though. He did expect her to just come to the hotel / to the bed. His follow up message confirms it.

This is how I feel too.

I think that his casual behaviour was possibly established long before this experience.

If you want constant texts asking how your journey was going, is that the norm?
Did he do that before?

Why did you never insist he made the journey?
That's the odd part.

Why?

Do you have your own place, share, live with your parents?

@ZetuianRose You say you felt like you were being shipped to his hotel for sex on tap - well, yes…. that’s kinda the choice you made when planning to travel to this guys hotel for sex.

Internalized misoginy anyone? The fact a woman is travelling to have sex with a man doesn’t justify the man being unkind to her or treating her with little respect.

Sorry, but how can you be so sure it wasn't a joke?

I think the problem is that you were very tired because you had travelled a long way. had a big heavy case and were a bit 'travel resentful' anyway - all of which he didn't know

@Moonlightandroses44 If instead of texting him "where are we meeting?" you had said
"I've got a big suitcase and I'm tired, please could you come to meet me at the station to give me a hand?" do you think he'd have said yes or no? That's really the test. You were expecting him to mind read.

I think you were unreasonable because your reaction was due to stuff he didn't know. You were staying at the hotel anyway so personally, I wouldn't expect anyone in that set up (bf or a friend or a relative) come to meet me at the station. What's the point? It's inconvenient for them and I'm an adult and capable of getting a taxi alone. Unless I specifically needed help with a lot of luggage (in which case I'd ask) I'd never expect it and I wouldn't offer. The only time I'd consider going to meet someone at a station or an airport even is if I hadn't seen them for years and it was a looong distance travel.

Normally when you arrive somewhere after travel first thing you want to do is check into the hotel, dump your stuff, 'freshen up' to use that awful expression before doing anything else. Going to the hotel under your own steam is normal for a travelling adult.

I get how you felt and it is shit to feel you are being used and putting in all the effort - but the expectation of him coming to the station without a specific request for that is a unreasonable. The first text 'in bed' is a joke and a bit flirty so I'd forgive him that. If I'd been on the receiving end of your text, I'd be pissed off and think you'd lost your mind. Imagine if the position was reversed - what would you think?

Look at it this way - by taking the decision you did- you inconvenienced yourself further, wasted a lot of time and made yourself even more upset. If you'd just called him to speak to him or asked him to help you, for all you know he'd have come willingly and you'd have had a nice time.

My guess is that whatever you say about the travel being something you are ok with that on some subconscious level you think he doesn't really care about you and its reflected in his behaviour. So you are looking for mini-tests of which this was a bad one because it was based on him reading your mind.

Either way, it's probably for the best

I don't blame OP for anything. I'm just saying, she made all this effort, I assume because she liked the guy, but then suddenly felt like its all an exchange for him and not a romantic meeting. Just because he was a bit off that day and sent her one flirty message? She must have felt some doubts before? I just cant imagine this suddenly happening. I also think you should never do stuff early on in the relationship which feels like a sacrifice and a lot of effort to you.

I think OP had doubts, went on this trip against her better judgement, started feeling a bit resentful as he wasn't very attentive on text, then started thinking she is being a mug and his text kind of supported her thoughts - at which point she exploded. Whether he was using her, or whether she was just overthinking - we will never know. But I understand why he did not message more than he did ("OK") - he doesn't know OP well enough to understand what brought this on. If a relative stranger behaves like that, you would just walk away as its weird.

I would have told him how I felt but wouldn't have immediately said I'm going back. If he responded badly to what I said then I would have gone back

I think you were unreasonable because your reaction was due to stuff he didn't know. You were staying at the hotel anyway so personally, I wouldn't expect anyone in that set up (bf or a friend or a relative) come to meet me at the station.

But what happened with all the other dates?

Is this a one-off or was he never there to meet her at the station?
They've been meeting for a few months.

More context is needed to compare this experience and all the others when she's met him.

I think she should have at least met up with him and talked face to face.

A lot of women give sex to men under the impression (or hope) that they’re in a relationship, or soon will be. Even when the man is treating the situation quite casually, the woman still has sex with him in a version of the “pick me” dance. That’s exactly what OP has described. She wanted to be treated like a serious girlfriend and was annoyed because he was treating her like a casual shag.

You have travelled across the country for sex though? You said you're not exclusive and that you don't live anywhere near each other, so this is just a hook up, yeah?

His comment confirms that's how he sees it.

You clearly want more from this than he is willing to give and you did the right thing to turn back home, but honestly the text back is cringe and exposing.

Maybe work out what it is you're looking for and set some boundaries before meeting the next one

Personally, I wouldn't be doing all the travelling for some guy to have sex with. Did he have a solid gold cock? Surely you see your worth as more?

Yes!. On mumsnet they make it seem like sexvis only for the man's benefit!. Like doing him a favour. You shouldn't be having sex or be in a relationship with with someone if you don't enjoy it

Because when he realised OP didn't respond to his demand to meet in the room, he changed it to meet in reception.

Do you see a wink emoji? So why do you think it was a joke?

She doesn't need to you to patronise her. You sound as bad as the bloke.

^
This, absolutely this. Given that there have been minor red flags for you before now, I think you did exactly the right thing for yourself. You don't have to put up with this sort of thing if it doesn't suit you. A bravo from me, too

Seems like there was a bit of a misunderstanding here... When a man you barely know says "I booked a hotel for us, come stay the night with me" - this somehow does not scream Serious Relationship to me....

@Moonlightandroses44
What's happened with your other dates?

Where have you met?
Do you usually drive or take a train?
Has he met you before at a hotel?

Have you always had a plan- ie dinner, cinema, gig?

Or is it always just meet and have sex?

You see, if this event was not unusual, you have been a bit of a drama queen.

If you dating with this guy is based on hook ups for sex and not much else, then that's what you're getting.
That's the message you've given him for a few months.

Unless this was different for some reason.

In my younger days I did not set boundaries, I don’t even think I knew what they were. You have my admiration OP, you know what you are comfortable with and didn’t accept anything less. Don’t lose that or let people wear you down.