To block him after this? (Text exchange)

[Moonlightandroses44]

A few months into dating. All seemed fine, some minor red flags but I second guessed my intuition. I had actually dared to let myself like this guy.

He lives quite far away but was travelling for work, so got a hotel for a couple of nights so we could also see each other. Ultimately though he was here primarily for his plans. This place was still nearly two hours on the train for me with changeover times. But seemed like a nice idea although I had to travel after work and it meant having to get up super early. I always do most of the travelling to see him, it makes sense for various reasons and I would normally be ok with it as long as it’s appreciated and recognised.

He was texting totally normally in the morning. Saying he was excited to see me. Then nothing from 10am until 30 mins before my train gets in at 7pm, which he knows. So I eventually ask where we’re meeting and I get this. I am obviously the green! Might need to click on the picture to see the whole thing.

To me it was a sleazy and lazy response and made me feel like I was being totally used and gross. He then says nothing when I don’t respond for ages to attempt to correct in case he just wasn’t thinking or could see it might have landed wrong.

AIBU to have literally turned around and gone home?! I had to wait two hours for the next train back. I got home at 1am. He literally has not said anything. Nor have I! Hasn’t checked I got home ok. I am contemplating just blocking but I’m still in shock.

Even if it were a misunderstanding or I was overreacting (possible), I am shocked at how cold he was and the complete U-turn and then silence. Like… what the hell happened?

The hotel was probably a ten minute walk from him tops. I mean, a simple, looking forward to seeing you, are you ok getting a taxi here? Would have sufficed.

Well done. I think his lack of response shows pretty damn clearly that you did the right thing. Please never contact him again! You will regret it.

Maybe underneath it all you knew you were going out of your way and he wasn’t. Your gut feeling was it wasn’t good enough? His response confirmed that. May seem like an over reaction to some but there’s a bigger picture I think. If he cared he would contact you back. Simple.

You did the right thing, OP. He can't be bothered to go out of his way for you or make you feel special, just wants you to travel to him and get on your back? Fuck that (no pun intended). When I first started seeing my husband, he couldn't wait to see me - even a 10 minute walk to the hotel would have been too long, he would have met me at the station. That's what made him irresistible and got him lots of sex, that little bit of effort to treat me like I was special. It isn't hard and if a bloke can't be bothered - NEXT! I agree with PP, lots of women have very low standards.

Yep and I was there for another two hours waiting for the next train! Got back at 1am, and working today.

I mean the response basically confirmed my gut reaction. Even if I was being a total nut job, anything at all would have been better than that.

it feels a bit like, he knew I was invested, as I’d travelled and had almost arrived. No communication during the day. He let his true colours show thinking I would accept it because I was there already. Him being sleazy and low effort (IMO) that is.

this thread has been so interesting though. I’ve had one of the brownies and feel a bit better!

He sounds like a waste of time OP. You are well rid.

The in bed remark is fine if there’s lots of other supportive reciprocal behaviour from him but there wasn’t. It was not a strop it was like peeling off the band aid where he showed his true colours and you rightfully revolted.

the fact he’s never had a long term relationship is a big red flag.

My dad always said if a man is still single by the time he’s 40 he’s a confirmed bachelor or he’s a player. So he’s one of these.

You’ve had a lucky escape and you have good boundaries (rare on MN it seems!) and put a stop to it. No Miss Desperado act for you.

Enjoy the brownies yourself and savour every last crumb of the kind and decent person you are who has put herself first.

His loss, not yours! Next!

Remember also, most people are on their best behaviour at the start. It’s often only a few weeks/months in that too find out what they’re really like.

As I get attached fast, I tend to put off sleeping with men early on, as it hurts so much more after your sexually involved. I make them wait and wait 😆

Yes OP was triggered. Probably by his expectations of her having to put in all the effort.

Now I see that he paid for the train fare makes it worse in all honesty. Yes, just like a delivery fee, which I suspect he probably thinks she should be all grateful for.

nope nothing since!

You massively overreacted. It was a flirty joke. Such dramatics.

I'm a bit conflicted on this. At first I thought you overreacted to the joke he was making. But his response of "ok" was shit. If he really cared about you he would have said sorry or tried to explain why he did what he did.

That said, if I was meeting a guy I was dating for months at a hotel, I would assume sex would be happening. But it sounds like the thought of this shocked you? is that right? maybe I'm weird but I would assume meeting up in a hotel= sex. If that wasn't what you wanted then I think you should have had a talk with him prior to this to make your boundaries crystal clear.

I also don't think it's a good precedent to set to make all the effort in travelling to him. Why should you do that? He should be making some effort to come to you and if he isnt then that would immediately raise red flags to me as the effort you are both putting in is completely unequal. Never invest in someone more than they are investing in you.

I think his OK at the end of the exchange is more to do with him not knowing how to react. Because I would not know what to say to your message.

You are 100% right OP. Please don’t doubt yourself and definitely don’t contact him again.

Even if you did over react with your response to him, if he cared about you and your feelings he would have apologised and tried to make it up to you.

His “ok” and no further contact speaks volumes and you are worth more than that.

I think you have conducted yourself well and shown that you have enough self respect to not put up with this type of treatment.

You will find your someone so don’t give this twat any more thought.

If this took place this week, poss last night - it was dark, it was raining !

the least he could have done was meet her.

I don't care if it's a 10 min walk from the hotel to the station, if he didn't want to get wet he could have got a taxi, timing it to arrive once she is off the train and she could have got in it and returned to the hotel with him.

Yabu for going to all that effort. Several hours on different trains? Not a chance. I get it though. You put a lot of effort in and expected some acknowledgement of that, but we shouldn't do things and then have expectations of others.

Or at least discuss expectations before deciding the travel is worth it

No I wasn’t shocked at the sex thing! It was more the lack of comms throughout the day and not even telling me where to meet him / what the plan was. And then that. Just made me feel like he was waiting for me to be delivered having made zero effort.

I think you over reacted, poor bloke.

My boyfriend (even on date 3) would most definately have volunteered to meet me at the station and carried my case. My ex would have met me at the hotel. YANBU.

@Moonlightandroses44 eat all the brownies and congratulate yourself that you have a good amount of self worth and are skilled at not only reading non verbal communication, rejecting social convention but also listening to your gut too. It's a pretty sophisticated skill set! Loads of people don't know themselves as well as you do and would have dragged themselves to that hotel regardless.

Also maybe you could take this as a good lesson that you have learnt that a dating 'reach' over a 20 mile radius doesn't work for you and that doing the leg work for travelling just isn't your bag so at least you have won a bit more self knowledge to boot too. Sorry you had to to experience this though

Did you text him during the day and him not respond?

or was the last text him at 10am and then nothing until you texted at 6.30?

He assumed you were both meeting at the hotel, you assumed you were meeting at the station. Simple as that. Miscommunication / misunderstanding.

No idea why you went haywire about not having your case carried 🤷🏼‍♀️ . Genuinely wouldn’t have occurred to me to be met at a station (nor to do the meeting)…. As it’s not a black & white film from the 1940’s 🥴

No I wasn’t shocked at the sex thing! It was more the lack of comms throughout the day and not even telling me where to meet him / what the plan was. And then that. Just made me feel like he was waiting for me to be delivered having made zero effort

Ah. Totally get it. I think you dodged a bullet there. Leave him in the dust - he doesnt sound at all caring of your feelings. Next time though, don't make all the effort with travelling- doesnt matter if you don't mind it, its the principle of testing reciprocity which is very important as that can be very revealing.

I really feel that saying 'what you condone, sets the tone' applies here.

I doubt it would change going forward. He pays for you to see him, you do all the travelling, he gets laid, but it's ok in his mind, as he put in monetary effort. I think you just made it very clear that that is not how it works.

READ op’s post again!! She was out of the house since 5am!!! She went to work, she then got on the train and embarked on a 2 hour journey to meet this prick while lugging a heavy suitcase around! It was also pouring with rain! She arrived after a 2 hour journey and he made the joke about meeting in bed then told her he was at the gym!! You’d expect a bit more effort to be made if someone was making all that effort to come and see them! Not be all sweaty at the fucking gym then would need to make op wait while he got a shower and got ready then came to see her!!! She said she was going back home and his response was “ok” after all that effort the op had gone to and he couldn’t even be arsed to check what time her train was arriving or make an effort to be ready in time for op! What exactly is she overreacting about??

You've said OP that it makes sense for you to do the travelling but then you obviously really resent it - that seems to be at the heart of this. If you wanted him to leave the hotel and come and meet you at the station because your bags were heavy then why not ask him? He probably didn't message you all day because he was working - but who knows what he's really like when he lives hours away and you probably hardly see him? If I was him though I wouldn't message you again after standing me up and giving me a mouthful.

I think the conclusion to draw here really OP is that long distance relationships are really difficult especially at the start of a relationship. I'd stick with trying to find someone who doesn't live hours and hours away in future.

The guy paid for a couple of days in a hotel for them so hardly making no effort, meet in bed a jokey couple comment clearly. It's early days and they aren't serious/exclusive she said so 🙄 He's not a mind reader if she'd said she'd like to be met I'm sure he would of been happy to have done. He messaged her she didn't reply, bad communication all round.

The OP said he had the hotel room anyway for work.