Announce husbands cheating in WhatsApp group (other woman is in it and l will name her)

[TruthorDie]

I found out my husband cheated on me before we got married, invited the woman he cheated with to our wedding and she came to our wedding. He’s not especially contrite about it all, is unable (l think it’s unwilling but anyway) why he invited her and why she attended. He claims l suggested he invite her so he did! In reality she’s a friend of his and we invited all of our friends.

To put the boot in she got blind drunk at the wedding, was a total mess, l was pregnant when we got married and then the next day hassled us a lot to return the items she had left at our venue. My husband, the woman he cheated with and myself are all in a WhatsApp group together and lm contemplating announcing we are splitting up and why including naming her. Probably not very dignified but lm guessing quite satisfying. I’m pretty sure some people in the group know about the cheating as they were there when it happened but not everyone does

I had a friend who cheated on his wife . She revealed this news to the whole research group.people felt it was none of their business but sympathised. She sent pics of him in the act (I don't recall if he was naked as moment I saw first pic I deleted all email coming from her). The tide swiftly turned against her. Support for her turned into sympathy or support for him.
Don't do it op

Honestly, I'd be looking to preserve my solid friendship group at a time like this. While I can totally understand the urge to go ballistic, id be concerned it would make my actual friends uncomfortable and awkward about talking to me. If that was a risk, I wouldn't do it. I'd make a separate WhatsApp group for those who were proper friends and let them know the situation and tell them that you made need some support in the coming months. Everyone else will find out in time.

@GremlinsTwo12 has nailed it I think.

If there are people in this group who you trust, who you think don't know and who you might like to still be friends with, then tell them privately by all means.

The news will get out to the others without you having to go Jeremy Kyle over it.

If you're not fussed about maintaining the relationships with the friends (maybe 1 or 2) and you'll leave the WhatsApp group anyway I would put it in black and white for all to see (but that's me)

I would. All this nonsense about the person being cheated on having to act with dignity is designed to make the cheater feel better and get away with it. Why should they? Why do you have to be the so called bigger person whilst they can keep their heads high in front of everyone.

This!

I mean it would be kind of satisfying but do you want to be a dinner party conversation piece for the next however long? “oh remember when Truth dropped that WA bomb”

Cause eventually it will be like that even if at the time people are a bit shocked.

Saying that ‘dignity’ is sometimes overrated - in that sometimes it just leads people to swallow their reactions while the people who did the shit things can just slope off without a ‘scene’.

Don't do it. I'm assuming you have a young baby. Focus on getting the best financial arrangements in place for you and your child, hold your head high and look forward, not back. You will feel much better in the long run, and people will admire you for it.

I'd do it. Let everyone know what cunts they both are.

Its almost impossible to prove two people are having a sexual relationship. So unless you have evidence in the form of messages between them that refer to having sex, she could just deny it. Maybe by accusing you or your husband of lying, because you're jealous, or he's obsessed with her for example; maybe by claiming to be no more than friends with him to explain why they were spotted together. If she does this, there is no guarantee your circle will believe you over her. It will largely boil down to who they prefer.
Even if you are believed, outside of MN, people tend to care a great deal less about other people's affairs than you'd think. If the woman is liked she's not going to suddenly be ostracised. The worst that tends to happen is a bit of eye rolling and quiet judgement, then people tend to get on with their own lives.

If scorched earth is what you want, I guess you'll get it. If I were in that WhatsApp group, I'd be incredibly uncomfortable and probably try to stay out of it. If you came to me individually as a friend for support, I'd react very differently, even if I knew you'd also gone to others for support.

I don't think it's about "dignity", just what's in your best interests and I'm not sure this would be.

I would shout from the bloody rooftops OP,.
Name and shame all the way, you've lost the future you thought you had, thanks to two sly cunning snakes in the grass. Why make it easy and convenient for them?

When the shoe is on the other foot, men are capable of much worse, as we already know, yet women are just expected to carry on, business as always, towing the line, complying, obedient as always and keeping mouth shut.

I am also a Scorched Earth advocate and would be quite happy to take the nuclear option here.

Fuck the lot of them.

Do his family know yet?

Why bother? What do you get out of it?

You are leaving him anyway. I suspect people know or have their suspicions.

I wouldn't give them the time of day. You know how it works, it will be a case of "look at her message, she's clearly unhinged".

I would take the more silent approach snd screw him into next week with the divorce settlement. To me, that's a bigger payback.

That’s why I wrote “whether you end up splitting or not”. I also said the dh had behaved despicably. Or did you miss that bit?

I was trying to make the point that it’s better to pause and think before acting when you have a child together and you are going to have to communicate with the other parent however shittily they have behaved.

I think you could presume that everyone had it more or less worked out when the OW was on the floor pissed out of her head at the wedding because she'd just watched her boyfriend get married to someone else, and if not then, word has got round since.

There is no name and shame, if the people in the WhatsApp group already know what is going on. The only purpose would to be to let them know that OP knows what's going on and they'll work that out when the divorce is underway.

Yes I would. As a pp said why is 'dignity' always about the woman keeping quiet? I would write something like

"Hi All. I will be leaving this group. Please message me directly if you would like to stay in touch.

You may already be aware that myself and husband are splitting up. I have just found out about the affair that he and X had and still processing the information."

As someone who has tried to be the bigger person for years (different situation, not cheating) I'd say go for it. It will not achieve much but if it makes you feel better, even for a split second, then do it. I'm sick of horrid people doing what they want without any consideration for others and nobody ever calling them out on their behaviour.

My DHs ex who is a piece of work had her personal life plastered all over social media last year after she was caught having an affair with a married man and had been sending photos of them having sex to the man's wife and family. She has caused us a lot of issues over the years and we've always tried to rise above it but I must admit I did enjoy that someone else was airing her dirty laundry in public.

Sorry this has happened to you.

Depends, some in the WhatsApp group may look at her in a different light I.e can’t trust her round my OH etc.

You then also run the risk that people would rather not speak with you to remain loyal to their other friends.

If I were me, I’d absolutely put it in the group chat though. For none other than to shame the pair of them.

Agree.

The term 'taking the high ground' also seems to be used to mean 'go away quietly and don't cause a fuss'.

I would absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, 100% wholeheartedly announce it to the group chat.

'Rising above' other people's shitty behaviour is so overrated.

This is another good reason to do it. Even if they already knew they might feel like they have to tread on eggshells around OP in case she doesn't know. This way, they'll know she now knows.

Yup, do it. Its not dignified - but it's your soon to be ex and friend that the shame is with, not you. By just a sentence, saying "sadly I have to announce that X and I are breaking up because he had an affair with Y whilst I was pregnant" you are controlling any inevitable gossip and "oh but we waited until we broke up" gaslighting.

You’re not too bothered about the people on the group, you don’t want him, so why not? I’d have respect if someone did that on a group I’m on, I’d think good on you for calling a spade and spade and not protecting him

Don't do it. You'd just be involving others in the drama and encouraging gossip about your marriage ending. Concentrate on getting your life together and moving on .