Announce husbands cheating in WhatsApp group (other woman is in it and l will name her)

[TruthorDie]

I found out my husband cheated on me before we got married, invited the woman he cheated with to our wedding and she came to our wedding. He’s not especially contrite about it all, is unable (l think it’s unwilling but anyway) why he invited her and why she attended. He claims l suggested he invite her so he did! In reality she’s a friend of his and we invited all of our friends.

To put the boot in she got blind drunk at the wedding, was a total mess, l was pregnant when we got married and then the next day hassled us a lot to return the items she had left at our venue. My husband, the woman he cheated with and myself are all in a WhatsApp group together and lm contemplating announcing we are splitting up and why including naming her. Probably not very dignified but lm guessing quite satisfying. I’m pretty sure some people in the group know about the cheating as they were there when it happened but not everyone does

So sorry OP, what a bellend. I really can't understand why men do this. Perfectly good set-up and they have to have something "extra". It's so greedy and thoughtless.

I don't hold much store by being demure and not saying your piece. I don't judge how people react when they are hurting or in pain, emotionally or physically. I mean obviously don't go about breaking their stuff or being violent, but protecting him and her by not telling the group and nipping rumours and his spin in the bud isn't going to make you look like some kind of monster.

They already know.

I can see why you would be tempted, that's a shit situation to be in, I'm sorry. If you do that you probably will lose your friendship group as well, as they'll all feel completely awkward. It depends whether you want to try to maintain any of these friendships post divorce, or if you're done with the lot of them.

Think about what your goal is out of this, if it's to go scorched earth then go for it. Nobody could blame you, although a dignified silence and revenge served cold is never a bad choice.

I'd have to say something but I know others will say it's not dignified or classy.

Why on earth would they side with a woman and man who cheated on OP and she caused a scene at their wedding? Of course they aren't.

I don't see the point of doing it now

Just leave the group gracefully, no need to name and shame.

You have done no wrong, keep your head up high. Don't lower yourself to this.

You never know, it may help them both to alter their behaviour in future?

There's a difference between addressing the people who have harmed you and engaging in a public 'shaming' spectacle which involves people who weren't involved at all.

That's what's undignified and it has nothing to do with women being 'silenced' but everything to do with the toxicity of social media being used for people to create a public drama.

yes i would do that too . They certainly didn't behave in dignified way so that's what they deserve

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP , what a horrible man 💐

Just for my understanding, married last year, he cheated on you just before your wedding
Have you only just found out now and this is reason for the split?

If so I would probably say in the chat we're splitting up as he had sex with xyz prior to our marriage and I've only just found out!!

Also, he is the undignified one, not you. Neither of them thought about the damage they were causing and he compounded it with a lie. You are merely explaining that you now know to a group that probably also knows and has been judging them. It doesn't sound like a great friendship group if they did this in plain sight and no one has told you, but I suspect you will be getting supportive messages.

I would really advise against this. There is little to no upside for you in this plan. Take a step back and talk to friends in real life. Sorry for your situation.

Yeah I would, you don’t owe anyone a dignified response. They’ve been shit bags

I used to think 'nah, keep your mouth shut and let it play out' with these things.
And to a point I do still think that, because for some people, I think it's better FOR THEM to not say anything, because I know they wouldn't be able help themselves then getting drawn into arguments about it (which I understand!!) And causing themselves more stress.
However I kept a lot of shitty things exes did behind closed doors and in hindsight, I preserved their reputation at the detriment to my own sanity, because I became resentful at people I considered 'good people' still hanging out with the ex even though I thought they must have figured out what a shit he was. But actually, unless someone comes out and says it in black and white, it's very easy for people to explain bad behaviour away or brush it off.

So I think a very short, simple message:
'Hi all, just wanted to let you know I'll be leaving this whatsapp group due to find out that John and Jane screwed each other behind my back the week before we got married. Hope to see the rest of you soon though!'
Then leaving.
Would be.. honestly, brilliant.
Also block your ex before you do this.

Presumably her friends are in this group though?
The upsides would be to nip rumours in the bud, stop him putting some "she made me do it" spin on it, explain they are no longer together and all in one message so she doesn't have to repeat all of the above to everyone in the group every time she sees them over the next 6 months. So, largely for her sanity.

What sort of friends are they if they all knew and nobody said anything. Op you could write what @Fimofriend said and just add But some of you knew about this already, thank you.

In this scenario the dignity has nothing to do with it being a woman - an equal number of men are in this situation thanks to cheating women, and feel they have to be ‘silent’ too.

Who cares if it's dignified. Do it. Warn others what a total w she is, I'd want to know if I was in a group of friends with her and my DH.

Don't be sure. People act strangely in these situations. Odds are at least some of them already know.

depending on your relationship with the people on that group consider what you looking to achieve. As someone up thread said if they're his friends and they already know they'll rally round him leaving you in the cold.
I know it would he immensely satisfying initially but are you ready for the fall out

It's not really "the cold" though is it? If they are more his friends than hers she quite probably has a group of friends who are more hers than his. I'd not think twice about burning bridges to get rid of a load of pricks who kept his secret for him.

Because OP says this group are more her DH’s friends than hers, and unfortunately this is often what happens.

But it happens when people divorce regardless of the reason, so I’d just resign myself to having lost this friendship group already, and scorch the earth.

There's nothing undignified about the truth.

A simple I have found about X and Y's affair and we are divorcing.

Then leave the group. The only people who contact you again will be those who didn't know. You're about to find out who your friends are I think.

Op this is a horrible shock but don’t do anything hasty. Your husband married you and has been faithful since? Is that correct? He behaved despicably but I would take some time to discuss this with him properly and sort out your relationship. For the sake of your child; whether you end up splitting or not.

This woman is just collateral damage from his actions. He treated her badly too. It’s him you need to talk to, not spread your anger over WhatsApp, and once you’ve had time to process it all, I would then send a very dignified message such as “Regretfully I’ve taken the decision to withdraw from this group, I’m sure some of you know why”

I wouldn't.

You'll just feed the narrative that you're unhinged.

Split up and find a new circle of friends that are income fed to either of these two nasty chumps.