Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

Just saw he charges you petrol money if he picks you up & for food if he cooks you a meal. Honestly I think you would be better off just leaving him. He's not going to suddenly change. Also you are saying he won't support you if you have children. That's just ridiculous. Don't have children with him!

@runningaway90
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"he occasionally cooks a meal or gives me a lift : but he still charges me for this.

?? For what??

Op unfortunately you have got used to this and this is your normal.
Personally I would pull the rug right from under it all. Make your own head boundary clear.

This isn't working for me, I didn't want to move here. Buy me out and I'll go somewhere cheaper.

Do not have children with this man :ever!! Your signing your own warrant if you do.

I wouldn't care about paying everything for dh because I can't envisage life without him!

@converseandjeans I earn more than him about 10k a year but with student loan and higher tax rate I probably have about £100 a month more take home pay than he does but pay a few hundred more than that extra in the mortgage. And yes expects that for the full term of the mortgage. I did say when we moved here that I thought we should adjust ownership % as the payments were much higher than last house but as I've mentioned he wasn't happy with it as thought I was taking him for a ride.

The more I've thought about it the last few days I've realised how bloody ridiculous it is, like a business transaction that I'm held to forever. I honestly don't know what would happen with maternity leave or any other reason I wouldn't be earning this wage. I reckon he'd be tallying up what I owe as debt in that case. Feels a lot to leave the relationship but my eyes are open and realising how much of a tight arse he is. And thing is, I'm more a tight arse towards him now as I don't want to treat him etc when he acts like this so I scrounge back the pennies from him too. As I said earlier too, I paid for a hotel stay last year for us and then the meal had to be split exactly down the middle and I'm just not going to do it anymore.

I'm more a tight arse towards him now
Good!
At the very least you should treat him the same as he treats you. Whatever he gives you fire it straight back to him with both barrels, do not be deferential or subservient.

This hasn't happened because you are stupid. This has happened because you are a good person who sees the best in people and unfortunately that good nature has been taken advantage of.

He won't change. He'll tell you he will and will go through the motions for a few weeks until it gradually slips back again.

Do you think he will be a kind and generous father to his children? I don't. I think he'll be jealous of them. I think he'll resent them, always counting every penny he's spent feeding and clothing them and then feeling they're ungrateful brats for not being perfect and showing enough thanks to him for having their basic needs met.

Don't stay with this unkind miserable man because you are afraid you'll not find someone else. Without knowing you, and just through your posts you can clearly tell you are a lovely and good and there are plenty out there who would love and value you in the way that you are entitled to be.

@runningaway90

I earn more than him about 10k a year but with student loan and higher tax rate I probably have about £100 a month more take home pay than he does but pay a few hundred more than that extra in the mortgage

Well I think possibly he's insecure about that and trying to make you pay as a way to exert control.

I don't think it sounds healthy. If I paid for hotel then DH would pay for meal & not expect it to be split. I can't see how having children would work. He would expect you to save up for mat leave & have you back full time after a few months.

@GrettaGreen yeah I think you you are right about him as a father and thank you that is a very kind reply 😊

Op what you paid towards the last mortgage should count towards your share of the deposit for this house.

I could understand you paying extra towards the mortgage for this house until your payments equalled his (revised) deposit, but that should then change.

He sounds entitled, selfish & miserly. Using you as a cashpoint for "your share" of what HE wants, on HIS terms. Do you really want to stay with this specimen? Can you imagine being in labour, him driving you to hospital & saying I want £20 from you for giving you this lift???

Work out exactly what you have paid into this house, (full revised) deposit, mortgage, fees, repairs. Then 50% of any increased value. He can buy you out or you both sell up.

Buy your own nice low maintenance modern house & enjoy spending a bit of your own money on what YOU want.

him driving you to hospital & saying I want £20 from you for giving you this lift???
If he suggest having children you should ask him to 50 grand up front for the use of your womb for nine months.

😁.
He'll be the sort who, when they arrive, will view children as a nice little hobby for the OP and therefore entirely her responsibility and expense 🙄.

😂good idea!

He even charges me petrol money if he has to drive like 1 hour to pick me up and if I do the same back I'm told I'm stingy or that he does more of the driving.
This isn't a partnership in any way, he's suing your earning power to finance himself. You should leave, sooner rather than later, he won't change.

You can’t afford your share of this house. His insistence on parity in all things means you have to tell him you can’t afford it and either you draw up a new agreement (whereby potentially you have a smaller share of the house) or you move.
Him not accepting that your previous mortgage payments allowed him to build equity at your expense makes me thing he is a CF. I would not want to build a life with someone like that . If you redraw the boundaries which I completely advise you to do if you are staying with him, legal advice is a must! Spreadsheets be damned! Do not save money before paying off cC debt that is also madness.

Update, had an off topic conversation about the split of chores and he said that I should cut him slack for his lack of contribution to housework as he has invested so much in the house when he could have bought himself a £100k+ sports car. I pointed out that I'm working to 50/50 split but he said what other loan would allow that over 30+ years. I did say this is meant to be a relationship not a business agreement but he just doesn't get it. So just feels totally selfish and I will always be indebted. Makes me sad as I love him but not sure there is any future here.

Wow @runningaway90 I mean he is right, no other loan would allow that over 30* years, but the fact he’s told you now that that’s how he views it, he see’s it really as a purely business transaction, you need to decide where you want to go from there.

I’d really encourage you to think ahead, if this is how he behaves now how do you think he will behave when you are on maternity leave (if you plan on kids)? What will the finances look like when there are children involved? Are those conversations you have had?

Sorry to be blunt but this man does not see you as an equal partner. Not at all. Not in any way. He thinks that he is superior to you, his wants and needs are more important than yours, and that he can treat you as badly as he pleases. This most recent statement would be the mail in the coffin to me.

I think there would be no reasoning with this man, you could explain and explain again about how unfairly he is treating you and he just won’t see it or change. I honestly think he is a lost cause. You deserve so much better.

Sorry to read that. I don't know. He just weighs everything in money and himself. You love him. I think you could have a happier life with someone more giving. Interesting to see another thread which is somewhat similar, even down to the petrol money. Shocking. Honestly, there are decent men who are not like this.

He seems to think his additional "investment" has bought him a household skivvy.

Is it a loan or an investment in your relationship?

Sure. Buy a sports car that would just depreciate in value vs a house that will likely increase massively in equity and contribute to his own retirement. And he's acting like he's doing you a favour lol.

The future is what you make it to be. It's between you deciding if you are going to be his unpaid slave with this house hanging like a noose around your neck or if you're going to get out.

And these type Scrooge characters only get tighter with age. He'll be tight with your kids too.

He's manipulative, lazy in the house and a miser. Not sure what there is to love, but you're obviously a much nicer and forgiving person than me.

I hope you do the right thing for yourself. He doesn't seem to want to let you have anything. That's not going to go well for you, or if you have children, for them.

You wouldn’t take this if it were a loan from the bank.

The loan is too big for you and it is breaking you.

Anyway, I thought what you essentially have IS a 30 year loan from the bank! It’s a mortgage and YOU are paying all the interest!!!

It is actually HIM who couldn’t get this good a deal anywhere else!!!!

Thanks all. I was a bit flabbergasted when he said that and he could tell I was pissed offm I said to him what if I got ill, maternity leave or redundancy and he said of course it wouldn't be like that. But just can't trust it as can't imagine how it wouldn't be that way?

He would probably tally it up and make you pay it back!