Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

One rule for him, one rule for another. And petrol money 😱 You need to seek legal advice urgently then lay allllll of this out and ask him directly to account for all his actions by listing them individually. If he hears it all in one go like we have perhaps he’ll realise just how unkind his stinginess and selfishness is.

The big difference in your situation though is that all of this happened after you were married. At that point, it’s all a bit irrelevant who paid what, for whom, how much etc because in marriage you are literally legally agreeing to combine your wealth/assets etc.

OP & her partner are still currently, legally, 2 single people. Meaning if either of them were to seek financial advice they would he told to protect their own investments and that’s what he is trying to do, it’s just being gone about in the wrong way.

OP & her partner are still currently, legally, 2 single people. Meaning if either of them were to seek financial advice they would he told to protect their own investments and that’s what he is trying to do, it’s just being gone about in the wrong way.

and the petrol money, refusing to pay for tv subscriptions, making her pay for HIS estate agent fees and all the other stuff?? How do you explain that? Going about being a nice guy the wrong way?

OP, I'm going to give you the advice my mother gave me and I give my children - don't end up with a mean man and don't end up with a jealous man. You have a mean man and meanness (like jealousy) isn't one of those faults that is contained in one area of life - it permeates everything - as you can see because you are living it. every lift home from work, every dinner out, every bloody tv subscription there it is - his meanness in action. I'm a lot older than you and I can tell you that if you stay with this man and especially if you have children with him you will regret it all your life.

Also this is an odd bit of advice but read Last Chance Saloon by Marian Keyes. You will see a very accurate depiction of your relationship in it (and it's not a bad book either)

This is so wise. I went out with a mean man once, in my twenties. We split up for other reasons, but three decades on, according to a mutual friend, he is still mean. I didn't even bring the subject up, my friend was complaining about him 😃

He can’t MAKE her pay for any of those things, he has asked her to and she has agreed. OP has walked into this whole arrangement pretty blindly and without having the big tough conversations about how it is all actually going to work and that’s the problem. He can ask for whatever he wants, so can she, the other person doesn’t have to give it though.

They need to sit down and really work out who pays what, who owes what, who can afford what, and how that works for them going forward. A spreadsheet is the best idea really, there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting everything equal however there needs to be clarity and transparency about what that looks like and exactly what that means.

The problem here isn't the housework or even the money. It's more fundamental than that and they are a symptom of it. There's a massive imbalance in power in this relationship. He holds the power and wields it over you, getting everything he wants and everything to run his way. You don't have or exercise any power and are afraid to raise things that bother your and / or don't believe in holding your own point of view or that your own demands are valid or worth making, and in your mind will anyway be overridden by his will and dominance.

There are reasons - meeting when young, trusting, naive, wanting a life with someone, not being ruthless or cynical; the psychological pressure that women feel to please, to live up to what's expected, show willing to contribute financially often to compensate for a common suspicion that they might be after a man for money, which he probably holds.

Now you are embedded in a relationship that you want and believe in and hope for the future. You still trust and think of going to a solicitor together, while I think you need to get legal advice alone to protect your interests. This man won't change because that kind of extreme attitude to money is not normal and is part of a mean, pinched character. It's a lot to contemplate but it is better to realise now what your relationship and life together would be like, than later on when further in with marriage and children.

You're not to blame, OP. Reasonable people don't walk into relationships expecting to be taken advantage of. They expect that both partners are operating from a position of fundamentally wanting things to be fair and pleasant for both of you. When you think you love someone, it takes a while to twig that this isn't the case.

Have to say thanks again for all of the advice and sharing experiences. So many replies and I really appreciate it. Didn't think anyone would get through my OP to be honest and I also thought most people would think the set up is fine and I'm just feeling stressed from overstretching myself so appreciate all of these views and it's really opened my eyes. I agree with a lot of the comments about being mean and it feeds into other aspects of life as there are some other issues related to that. So I have a lot to consider. And yes I think I've given a lot of benefit of the doubt to situations when I've perhaps not agreed as I didn't think he would be trying to get one over me but having wrote a lot out and remembered other incidents it seems a bit shady and I'm concerned for my future with him if nothing changed.

💯 this is feeling accurate as many things I just don't fight as I know he will override my view point so just save myself the hassle

Forget about the money and think about the fact that you can't have a conversation with him about something important. Will he be able to have an adult conversation about anything, a wedding, hypothetical pregnancy issues, any other major life decisions? Communication is the most important part of a relationship and you came to the internet instead of your partner to discuss this.

This is awful OP. This isn’t a partnership. Please don’t have children with this man, I dread to think how much worse it would get. I’d get out of this relationship if he’s not prepared to change. I wouldn’t even listen to him trying to argue you down, I’d tell him it’s either this way or I’m out the door and go. He won’t fight for you, he will think you’re trying to rip him off and battle you. Just go, and don’t look back.

@Teacherprebaby yes I do agree it speaks to something quite wrong that I'm asking strangers on the internet because I can't talk to my DP. I'm not sure that he can't be an adult but I do think that his opinion is always dominant so in the case of these finances, marriage etc, I seem to get shot down if i disagree if that makes sense. And also it's not that I haven't tried to bring these finances matters up, it's just been pretty pointless as I get made to feel like a freeloader when I question it.

I'm 100% not saying you are wrong in asking for advice here at all. There are a lot of judgemental posters on here and I am not one of them. I'm thinking of what I would say to a friend or how I would feel in this situation.

I am buying with my partner at the moment, our first property. We had a great chat about finances and it made me feel even more that he was the right one because of the fact that we could have those open discussions about topics that can be contentious. He didn't blame me that I've been a pretty terrible saver, I want him to take out what he put into the property (much higher deposit) unless we are married or have kids in which case it will be split 50/50 (we plan on doing both of these things in the near future).

Think about the kind of partner you want, the kind of partnership you want, because it does exist, just maybe not with this guy?

@Teacherprebaby sorry I did not think you were being judgemental, I appreciate where you're coming from. That sounds very healthy and of course I'd love to have someone who I could discuss things in that way and come out feeling positive. It just kinda feels like it's almost been a trickle effect where I didnt realise how bad the financial setup was until we got to this point if that makes sense. As not every conversations been negative but as I've said in prior posts that the goal posts have then been moved etc. But definitely appreciate that and all of the experiences being shared are making me realise maybe something better is out there.

I think you should get financial and legal advice for yourself initially,OP.

Get all your payments on a spreadsheet first.

Then speak to him about it and he can get his own lawyer.

Can you see yourself living with this man even if he “ changes”?

He is a miser at heart, it’s who he is and that won’t change. Anything else will be just an act which he won’t keep up for long.

@Moosegooseontheloose yes I've started writing up a spreadsheet and making sure I haven't missed anything.

I'm not sure if he would change to be honest, I can't see the dynamic ever being really different and it gives me anxiety just thinking about asking to change this set up.

OP, I’d suggest googling the sunken cost fallacy.

Then I’d have a looooooong hard think about how you want to spend possibly the rest of your life feeling as you currently do (but potentially worse, with kids, so poorer and setting them this example of how it’s ok to be treated in a relationship). In my experience, these sort of people don’t change. Or they change for a few weeks to shut you up, and then drift back. Or they make a promise to change they never intend to keep, to shut you up.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do OP.

@Whatdoesthatbuttondo thank you appreciate that, it resonates and appreciate the advice

OP, I really feel for you. I think you are grappling as much with "how did I let this happen to me" as "why is he such a mean man"

You are at a crossroads in your life. Your eyes have been opened. I doubt very much that a well-drafted spreadsheet will induce a change of personality in this man. I bet he is mean with other things too -not just money. Maybe sex or never letting you have the last slice of pizza or the way he talks about people and money all the time. It is a personality trait that permeates everything. It isn't like he is a guy who gets annoyed when you are late and you can sit down and say "ok I'll try not to be late because I know you hate it" and he says "I'll try not to be too annoyed because I know you usually have a really good reason if you are late". This is his personality. It is there in every aspect of his life.

I'm sorry you're going through this. As a proud person who has always liked being independent, it would kill me to have a partner that made me feel this way.

Unfortunately men do use feminism against us sometimes. Financially everything is split down the middle, but you're still expected to do the majority of the 'woman's work' like keeping the house. You said he wouldn't help you out on maternity leave, even though you'd be having a child for BOTH of you, thus penalising you for being a woman. And the childcare and rearing is likely to fall on you with this type of man, and no, he will not recognise that as any sort of contribution.

He's a bad egg unfortunately. You can decide to keep going with the relationship and end up with a rotten omelette or you can break free before you get in too deep.

There really are better men out there, I promise. DH will be contributing at least 4x more than me for our deposit due to being a previous home owner and having more savings. But he'll also be paying more of the mortgage as I will only be working part time after mat leave. This really doesn't bother him in the slightest. We're a partnership for life, we look after each other emotionally, mentally, financially, etc. The goal is a happy, healthy home, not who owes who a few pounds.

Your partner's approach to money is very concerning and frankly I would find it soul destroying.

I suspect this is very true

I agree with this

If nothing else, stingy men give me the ick to the extreme - would be the end of the road for me I'm afraid!

He is not going to change, so don't plan your life assuming he will. Your question is whether you want to continue for the rest of your life with this man as he is.

Well, it's not fair that there's so much inequality. My DH and I would never do that to each other. Even when not married if you stay with someone for long, it should be the same only without the legal contract.

She said they have been a few years into the relationship, there should be enough trust to do that. By the looks of it, it's not sustainable. She has to either move on or change the % of ownership for the house. I wouldn't stay in a relationship like this, he doesn't believe they are long term if he's asking money every second knowing she will struggle.

No we always used to pay house costs depending on who is earning most so we have similar spends. What is salary difference?

It sounds like he's banked all your rent & is claiming his bigger deposit as entirely his own. When in reality without your contribution then he would have less.

I think it's ridiculous you pay 2/3 of mortgage & he's on at you for spending a little bit on going out.

What if you have children and can no longer afford the bigger mortgage payment? Does he take that on or will he expect you to pay him that back at some point?

You would be better off in a new build - current property sounds like a money pit. Life is for enjoying not being chained to a high mortgage until you retire.

Is he expecting you to pay 2/3 of mortgage for the whole term? So the next 25-30 years?!

I'd be interested to know salaries & how must mortgage payments are. I bet you earn less & have almost no fun money & he has loads more money to himself.