Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

Op what's he's said tells you everything you need to know.

I'm a higher earner significantly and we financed an entire 300k+ extension on my salary and ability to borrow, sold the house and made some gains, we are now in a smaller project. At no point ever do I think more of this house is mine, we pay pretty much 50/50 for most things.

Your DP is controlling and sounds awful.

At no point in this thread did I read that you love the house, or have any emotional tie or feelings towards it?

Sounds like you're funding his dreams.

@hothotheatbag thank you for a different perspective. And yes I really don't love the house, id happily sell for something easier/ less expensive and he wants to live here. Today's comments just made me want to cry to be honest. Feel totally taken for granted but hard to argue as I put very little in upfront and have 30 years to make up for as it sounds. Feel like I'll always be under a burden.

You poor fucker, STOP doing any housework for him. ‘You’re an adult, do some laundry, or fuck off. Slavery is illegal.’

you need to get the house sold and leave. Do not leave with less than you put in. He had an inheritance for gods sake, this man has earnt FUCK ALL. He hasn’t earnt a relationship and he doesn’t deserve one. You’re paying to be in a relationship with him.

Hard to argue? What exactly is hard to argue?

OP, you need to take some responsibility. Not for having less money. Plenty of couples don't pay equally into a house. This is NORMAL. DH is paying 4x more than me- at least- when we buy next year. Do I feel grateful? Sure. Do I feel indebted to him? Hell no. Also he does more than his fair share of housework and looks after most of our finances while I'm on mat leave.

But if you stay, you need to take responsibility for staying with a miser who treats you like a house slave. This is your choice, one which you are making.

My mum stayed with my dad for 30 years, had a bunch of kids with him, kept getting herself in deeper, but eventually divorced him because the toxicity never stopped. But even today she acts like she was a third party in it all, like she never had a choice. The exact mentality that caused her to throw her life away. I can't believe you're even contemplating doing the same after the whole conversation of this thread.

Please don't do this. You have one life. Don't choose whatever this hell is over happiness.

If leaving seems impossible to you, please see a therapist. This man has obviously crushed your self-esteem and you need to talk to a professional to get his toxicity out of your head.

You're right it is a choice and my eyes have been opened to what's going on so I would only have myself to blame in 10 years time if I keep putting up with this. I think he has manipulated my way of thinking as on one hand I think "what a prick" but on the other I think well he's right that he's invested all his savings and I'm technically benefitting from that. But can see from the responses here that this is not how things should work and I shouldn't have this held over me, constantly fighting to feel like an equal just because of a house deposit.

It’s very dangerous that he thinks of his money as buying your labour.

Nit only do you have to be beholden to him for his larger deposit you have to pay it back AND do more skivvying.

Never have children with this person.

What are you planning to do about this OP? You keep saying you’re planning a discussion with him. When is this happening?

He has such a horrible attitude. There’s no team here at all.

I seriously think a meeting with a financial advisor will do you a great deal of good. On your own of course. Explain how much you have put in and when. Ask for what is common in these circumstances and they will give you various scenarios and I can guarantee none of them will match what you are doing!

This conversation should help you go into any discussions with a level head and confidence, because if you ain't leaving this guy (amazingly you sound on the fence!) then you got to sorts this out properly.

I don't know. I have had a few conversations with him already but just not ultimatums. It's hard. But I am feeling quite miserable and I think this treatment is impacting my self esteem. I just don't know but events of even the last week or so are making me wonder why I'm wasting my time with someone like this. Just not sure I'm quite ready to leave yet despite the huge amount of evidence that I should.

What's the point of staying though OP? You're miserable. He's determined to extract every last penny from you, whilst also extracting unpaid labour. You are being exploited left right and centre and he doesn't love you.

Have you done the sums? How much you have put in, how much you are putting in now monthly, what proportion of that is repayment of capital and how much is interest?

Because I think if you do the sums you may realise that if he pays you back (ie buys you out) and you leave you will be significantly better off.

There are lots of calculators online that will show you how much interest you pay over the course of a mortgage, as opposed to capital. This would help you get a better idea if you don't want the expense of seeing a financial adviser. You will need to know what interest rate you are paying though.

Hang on a minute.
Because he put in more deposit you are having to match his contribution with cash AND with free labour (housework etc)? So you are paying twice?
Just think about that for a while, OP.

He is making all decisions and you pay half?
so you don’t have a say .. as in I can’t afford to replace the windows for example, and he does it anyway, then asks for half?
fuck that. He’s taking the piss. You are in a stronger position than you realize. Yuo are 50/50, I’d frame it that if you can kids what’s going to happen then, yuo still pay half !!! Come on please see that he is financially using you !

The house we live in now is mine. We know this isn't our forver home. The next house we plan to just protect my deposit and 50/50 from there. I believe this would have been a good option for you. It seems a lot of stress to have to pay extra to make up his deposit.

In this situation I would have had both deposits ring fenced then you both pay 50/50 for bills, home improvements and maintenance. Then if you sell he gets his deposit he put in, you get yours and any equity is split 50/50

So what, if anything are you going to do about it, OP?

Go see a lawyer and start the process of breaking free.

Only once your out of this relationship will you realise just how toxic it is.

Can you move in with parents or friend for a while to allow you to think clearly away from him ?

You could sort this through lawyers from a distance.

Imagine you in a place of your own, spending your money on things which benefit you.

He sounds like a parasite and sucking the life out of you. That’s aside from how much he’s benefiting financially at your expense.

Get rid !

Yes I can't stop thinking about it all this week and I need to get out of this situation. It's not as if the finances is all that's going on as he doesn't even treat me like he likes me half of the time either and certainly not an equal ! I'm so worried about ruining my life staying here so I am going to speak to a solicitor, I've written down what I have paid already so I have that.

Oh @runningaway90 you are worth so much more than this.
That is no way to be treated on its own, but he doesn't even seem to like you half the time? No no no no no.
Don't be his cash cow any longer.
Best wishes x

But likewise he'd never have got a mortgage so cheap without your contribution! And if you'd paid for a rental you've have had your own space etc, moving in with a partner isn't equivalent. Unless he previously had a lodger and ended that arrangement for you to move in, he sounds consciously or unconsciously manipulative and isn't working as a team.

Just read all your updates OP. As well as a solicitor, can you speak to a trusted friend and/or someone professional, I imagine you could ask charities that support women experiencing financial abuse if they can signpost you to resources? This isn't necessarily financial abuse in your case, more just a mean partner, but it's certainly a situation that disadvantages you.

I was going to say the same thing. He can’t expect you to do all the housework to compensate him for contributing more for the deposit (which would still be wrong of him anyway) yet insist you pay 2/3 of the mortgage to also make up for this. Honestly OP this is abusive behaviour on his part.

@ShakeNvacStevens yes he'd said that he worked hard through his 20s to get that large a deposit (which isn't even true as I mentioned before it was partly a gift / from house proceeds) and so it was positioned as though now I have to "work hard" to make it fair. The more I think about it all I think he just completely lacks respect for me. Partly because this is who he is and I'm sure he would treat any other partners this way too. And as so many have said, I dread to think how hard I would have to "work" if we threw kids into the mix too 😕

Good decision to see a Solicitor, also an Accountant might help with advice? Once you have some solid information you will feel better about tackling this. First get your information, this will help you feel much more confident about planning your next move. Don't bother talking to him until you get professional opinion, it's much better to get yourself fully informed so you can't be bamboozled by him being able to twist things to his advantage. Remember Knowledge is Power👍

I think the easiest way is to strip it back and workout How much you have both paid

does tbh sound like he’s paid a lot more than you

So looking long term
he’s paid a significant deposit and 1/3 of mortgage
you’ve paid small deposit and 2/3 of mortgage
and you both end up owing 50%
so logically it does seem fair but extremely complicated way of doing