Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

He tries to show kindness in terms of cooking a nice meal sometimes or giving me lifts but that's really all I can think of and still asks for money for those things.
everything I read makes me madder. This is NOT FUCKING KIND. You could have just paid a taxi driver or Uber eats and you wouldn’t be expected to be fucking grateful. This way you pay him AND you’re expected to be grateful.
we did that thing once where I caught a bug and still did everything and he caught a bug and went to bed for 3 days, and in the conversations afterwards I said as far as I’m concerned you’ve asked for a divorce, by demonstrating you never meant in sickness and in health, and I need us to separate as fast as we can to give me more chance of finding someone who might be there for me. So now we both get rest when we’re sick, because anything else is a dealbreaker.

What the actual...jesus OP. Run, run run.

OP, I'm sorry, but he sounds hideous. There is nothing less attractive than a miser. He's truly awful. Thank god you don't have kids with this man. Seriously, thank god for that. He won't change and will ruin your life and your children would grow up in a dysfunctional environment, knowing the price of everything but the value of nothing. He just doesn't have the mentality to support a family, or even to share ir think of you as a unit. Believe me, I have seen friends with husbands approximating to this - those who insist on separate finances and all that malarkey. You can't live like that. Can't believe he even charges you petrol money! I really am sorry but he is mean and controlling to a pathological extent and you can't unravel people like that. He won't change and with DC, it will get much worse. This kind of miser is not cut out for marriage or family - so he will end up alone. Find a normal, decent man - there are billions out there. Please don't waste your life.

Oh my goodness run, via a good solicitor, for the hills. I would say you're looking at financial abuse, I strongly suspect he is deliberately keeping you feeling impoverished for his own emotional gain.... The SiL with the half of a netflix account divorced her husband, he was arrested for abuse and coercive control (not just the netflix, he left her £14k in credit card debt) and she's now much happier!
It might be worth looking up and researching coercive control, controlling behaviour and financial abuse - it's more common than people realise and it might ring some alarm bells for you

hi OP, I am sure you have realised by now you are being taken for a mug. I would run for the hills. tell him to buy you out and get a small place of your own, or rent even! you cannot have children with someone like this.

he has made you pay more than your fair share including not acknowledging your mortgage contributions to his previous house. you definitely need to engage a solicitor and claw some of that back.

the reason he is so suspicious of you "trying to put one over him" is because that is exactly what he is doing!

OP you could ask Chatgpt to calculate it all for you. Put in all the figures, interest rate, duration of mortgage and it will work it out for you. You have to be quite specific but you can keep refining your questions until it's clear. It doesn't mind but remember to say thank you in case AI takes over the world

Going back to the roof. Surely if it’s £15000 you both pay £7500 each so the calculation makes no sense!

He sounds like a twat

Meanness with money and this level of selfishness is such an unattractive quality. I don’t know how you can bear to be with him.

He sounds horrendous. I could not be with someone so tight and controlling. My partner put down 100% of the deposit on our house but we will both be paying 50% of the mortgage. To account for this we have a deed of trust basically saying if we ever split up and sell he would get 60% and me 40%. He literally never makes me feel lesser than because of it and always reminds me that things will even out over time.

He's quite good at turning things round and convincing me otherwise if I ever bring up unfairness in terms of money or house chores so I guess that's got into my head that things are fair
Of course he has, he knows he's on to a good thing with you and as soon as he smells that you might realize things aren't fair he works very hard to shut you down before you get chance to see the light.
He's known you for a while and he's had lots of practice at manipulating you so that he gets all the benefits of this arrangement.
This is not me accusing you of being daft. You're just a decent person who's default setting is to trust others. Unfortunately that makes you a sitting duck for those who want to exploit (I speak as a person who has learned the hard way)

This one's not a keeper, OP.

He's the sort who will expect you to get into debt to fund your own maternity leave/childcare, while his contribution to the household finances remains unchanged and he still has most of his salary for himself. As if your joint children are a nice little hobby for you alone.

I think it's important that you keep your powder dry here op. Don't let him know that his game is up until you have everything properly worked out, taken and absorbed proper advice, all the figures, worked out a plan etc.
Don't give him any opportunities to out maneuver you.

Everything that's been said sounds so obvious as I know that's the type of person he is so I'm wondering why I've just thought this is all okay for so long. Like I have no question that kids would be majority my responsibility and that I'd not be financially supported during maternity leave etc. I don't think I'm a particularly stupid person but I'm clearly being a fool when I put it all down on paper!

@runningaway90 you think that way because the person you are with worked tirelessly and methodically to convince you that this is the only way. It's not on you. It's how abusive people operate to get their way.
You saw it now so you have the power to change things. I thought initially, this was just a bit of misunderstanding and miscalculation on his part but your updates show that this is a systemic issue and I think you need to cut your losses and make a swift exit (with 50% of equity). It will only get worse.

Haven’t RTFT but don’t understand the logic of why your contributions towards his previous mortgage he was able to absorb? You were not his lodger you were his life partner. At that point you are no longer paying him, you are contributing to a joint cost (the mortgage) because you LIVE TOGETHER, not as landlord and tenant. It’s not comparable to you paying rent somewhere else; at all!!!
OP got to say, m his approach to the financials would be a worry to me in a future husband… what happens if you have a baby and have to contribute less while on maternity leave… will he invoice you and you’ll have to device a payment plan to pay back your share. Being in a couple isn’t always going to be about 50/50 it’s about what is fair, because you love each other and are building a life together in which each person has unique contributions, not always financial.
This sounds like housemates with benefits.

Don't beat yourself up op. He has been working to keep you in the dark but now you've had a glimpse of the light and the spell he put you under is broken.

Boiling frog syndrome.

When you first get together as younger adults, you're both working, usually full-time, and don't have caring responsibilities. It makes sense to split things 50/50 financially and not to subsidise each other.

But relationships adapt and financial situations adapt. In particular, as relationships develop, women are often socialised to take on more of the 'homemaker/caring' responsibilities. You see an uneven split of household chores developing, but the chores involved for a household of 2 adults are rarely so onerous that the imbalance is obvious. So you might say, "I do more of the cooking, but I like cooking" or "I tidy up more, but I guess I just have higher standards" or "I don't mind doing his laundry, because I'm doing mine anyway, it just makes sense". And you still have leisure time and free income, so it doesn't feel like a huge imposition. You see yourself as investing in the relationship - e.g. doing DIY, paying for household stuff, doing nice things for your partner.

Ultimately, that doesn't work unless they see the relationship the same way - the two of you working to build a worthwhile and enjoyable joint life together, with each partner happy to do their share.

It's when some financial stress happens (in your case) or, more commonly, when children come along that the situation tends to explode. Because suddenly there isn't the spare money/time to have leisure time and do nice things unless both partners are pulling their weight in both the financial and non-financial sense. So whereas before you might have accepted the inequality because it didn't seem that big a deal and you still had a nice life, now you haven't showered in 3 days because the baby won't stop screaming and your partner refuses to hold them, you're at the end of your overdraft while they have thousands in savings and you haven't eaten properly in days while they're cooking or ordering food in just for themselves.

If there's any sense in which you can see that being a reality, then please think about how you can exit.

Posts where the woman owns the house and the man wants to move in and share bills but pay no more than that are always without fail calling the man a cocklodger. Taking the woman for a ride. Advice is given to make sure he doesn't contribute to the mortgage but instead pays rent or a bigger share of bills otherwise he could claim on the house in the event of a break up. Yet when it's the other way around...

My mind is a bit blown by all of this and to be honest you dont sound like you are in a relationship but rather a business together.
As a couple we have 1 pot, expenses go out of there, big things are discussed (car, washing machine, anything over about £100), little things are not.
It is great for him with his monthly spending, only 1/3 mortgage to cover, how marvellous for him. Shit for you.
I would sit down, not take any shit and suggest you get a document drawn up whereby his and your deposits are both ringfenced for each of you and any further equity is split 50/50 and going forward you split bills 50/50. If he doesnt want that then I would be suggesting that the house goes up for sale and you go your separate ways as you wont be made a mug of anymore (to be honest, if he wasnt up for a conversation about this then I would be leaving). You cannot go on like this, your life will just be one big financial struggle.

The petrol money thing is awful, what an arsehole!

also if you left now, I believe that you could technically take half the sale proceeds of the house as he did not ring fence his deposit. I know someone who was in a similar situation and did this. You may not feel comfortable doing so but it sounds like he’s screwed your out of a lot of your money so I would do it. That’s just me though!

I think it’s pretty clear who is being taken for a ride in this scenario

Don’t even try to pretend that this scenario is the same but with different advice because the genders are reversed! 😂 What nonsense.

The advice is different because this is a completely different scenario and nothing to do with their genders! They both own the house equally. Nearly every poster has suggested that he should ring fence and keep his deposit for himself, and that they should both be paying an equal amount going forwards. They are suggesting that both partners should be treated equally and with kindness towards each other.

@HarrietStyles thank you! And I don't think anyone thinks its unfair that I didn't own a share of his previous house (which I agree with) but unfair that I paid fees on a house that I never had any financial share in

OP, I am your partner in this scenario (sort of).

DH moved into my flat when we married - I was the sole owner. I also earn more than him. When we bought a new property together the entire deposit came from me - from an inheritance and from equity from the sale of the flat. We now have a joint mortgage.

Never in a million years would I be petty enough to expect him to pay a higher share than me every month in order to “make it fair,” watching him struggle while I lived it up on my larger salary. Because we are a partnership and a team. Not just two people with a business arrangement.

And coupled with the fact that the move was something that only HE wanted? Sorry, but something feels very, very wrong here to me.