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Original poster

Does this sound financially fair?

878 replies

runningaway90 · 21/02/2024 09:36

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

OP posts:
Original poster
runningaway90 · 06/12/2024 10:48

Thanks all. It has been a hard week, feeling unbelievably anxious and of course he is doing everything he can to try and talk me round. Promising me change and being so nice to me but I just feel he is manipulating me and if you are capable of being nice like this, why haven't you been for years. I have told him several times why I don't want to try again but he is persistent. I've had stuff on the last few days so been out of the house and just trying to get on with it but tomorrow I'm just going to say stop - I'm done. Have managed not to entirely cave and have refused to commit to Christmas plans with him so I just need to be firm. I have also contacted a few rentals and valuation booked.

OP posts:
AlertCat · 06/12/2024 11:19

Stay strong. Of course he will try to persuade you back, but I’m willing to bet my house that he wouldn’t actually make any concrete changes. Has he suggested a fairer arrangement? Has he admitted using you to elevate his living standards to something he actually can’t afford, and taking advantage of you financially? If not, then nothing has changed.

You have done so well and come so far. You can see this through and life will be better and happier for you.

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 06/12/2024 11:34

As the previous poster said, of course he's going to do everything in his power to persuade you not to split up, as it's to his financial advantage to do so. However, you've been working on this just to our knowledge since 21st February this year, and doubtless it had all been going around in your mind for a long time before you sought advice on MN, so if he hasn't seen fit to sort himself out in that time, then

HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE!!

While I don't want to make you feel bad OP, it's taken you almost a year to reach this stage, please don't waste any more of your life on this man, he truly isn't worth it.

Time to move on, and don't look back! We're all still here, backing you all the way.

Sending you sisterly love and strength - you CAN do this! Stay strong!

Original poster
runningaway90 · 06/12/2024 11:41

Thank you both, this is exactly why I posted today as this is what I needed, someone to remind me why I'm doing this! I know I can do it and it's going to be hard but there will never be a better time to leave than now

OP posts:
ClockworkDisaster · 06/12/2024 12:02

As others have said he doesn’t want you to go because you are an excellent financial booster for him and he knows he might not get that with someone else. He will try and manipulate you with staying with every trick in the book. Stay strong - you will be so much happier and financially better off in the long run without this man.

Ginkypig · 06/12/2024 13:49

Stop engaging with him! Nothing you say will make any difference to how he thinks and what he believes, he will never ever see your point of view and he will never emphasise with your side of things.

let him try convince and cajole and manipulate but do not get drawn into the details, do not absorb any of it, let it wash over you and reply with non detail answers and non committal answers. He will say things to get you to bite and will enjoy watching your emotional responses. Give him nothing he can latch on to to draw you in.

look up grey rock,

have you considered moving in with your mum or sister or a friend for a short time until you find a rental? It will cut his constant picking and influence on you.

STOP TRYING TO UNDERSTAND AND ATTACH MEANING TOHIS BEHAVIOUR OR WHAT HE SAYS! Think of him as a different species, you can’t attach normal logical reasoning because he doesn’t fit into normal human behaviour. He is a chameleon, he will show you what he has assessed will result in what he wants it’s as simple as that.

im being harsh with you but this is what you need to hear because you are still emotionally engaged and that means everything is going to be harder. Get behind your emotional shield and don’t come out until you’re safe my lovely let everything bounce of it and don’t try to understand anything at the moment you have time to process everything later or use your therapy time for small pockets. Now is the time for practicality.
think of it like a slow motion car accident, right now you are just keeping control over the car with no time to think then once you come to a stop and are safe you can process what happened, you can look at the bigger picture because you’re not in it anymore.

ZebraD · 06/12/2024 14:14

runningaway90 · 06/12/2024 11:41

Thank you both, this is exactly why I posted today as this is what I needed, someone to remind me why I'm doing this! I know I can do it and it's going to be hard but there will never be a better time to leave than now

I don’t think it will be hard once you have your living arrangements sorted. I think being in the same vicinity of someone you want tonkeavevis not easy.
sounds harsh butt though out your post he has sounded quite clear that he wants your money over emotionally wanting you. You’re worth more, you know that. Ring your mum, tell her you are having a wobble and she will help you feel better too…x

Original poster
runningaway90 · 06/12/2024 18:14

Thanks all this is what I needed. Viewing booked for Monday and can hopefully reserve in advance to give me a month or two to get current house sorted to be able to afford it and they consider pets. Will figure out the in between but feeling stronger this evening. Reminding myself there is no future here x

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 06/12/2024 18:22

There has been no future for a long long time, and during all these months this thread has been running you have been paying x amount extra mortgage !

You've seen a solicitor, you told his sister, you've had a promotion etc. etc and you are still there...

RandomMess · 06/12/2024 18:35

When he starts on at you again ask him he's ready to own the house 50:50 and start paying 50:50 on the mortgage.

He won't be.

ZebraD · 06/12/2024 20:11

RandomMess · 06/12/2024 18:35

When he starts on at you again ask him he's ready to own the house 50:50 and start paying 50:50 on the mortgage.

He won't be.

Pointless asking when OP has passed the point of negotiation…

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 06/12/2024 20:27

runningaway90 · 06/12/2024 18:14

Thanks all this is what I needed. Viewing booked for Monday and can hopefully reserve in advance to give me a month or two to get current house sorted to be able to afford it and they consider pets. Will figure out the in between but feeling stronger this evening. Reminding myself there is no future here x

Pleased to hear this OP. Stick with the plan, you're almost there now!

Moosegooseontheloose · 06/12/2024 21:46

RandomMess · 06/12/2024 18:35

When he starts on at you again ask him he's ready to own the house 50:50 and start paying 50:50 on the mortgage.

He won't be.

If OP asks this, he might grasp onto it and agree ( but not actually do it).
It will just waste more time and will be another manipulation tactic.

You are doing great,OP. Keep it up and you’ll soon be free if him.
Just stop engaging with him though.

When I was at a similar stage with my ex h, I just told him “There is no point in trying to talk things through with you because you’ll just try to manipulate me again”
He just looked at me and couldn’t find anything to say because he knew it was game over.
We communicated via lawyers after that.

RandomMess · 06/12/2024 22:06

Oh we all know he won't do it but would be curious to see his reaction and how long he can delay sorting it all out and the accusations from the request.

You are so close just keep going one step in front of the other Flowers

ZebraD · 07/12/2024 08:34

RandomMess · 06/12/2024 22:06

Oh we all know he won't do it but would be curious to see his reaction and how long he can delay sorting it all out and the accusations from the request.

You are so close just keep going one step in front of the other Flowers

I think you’re way off with your comment. There is no curiosity. You’re muddying the water.

OP is way passed this stage.

It’s negotiations on how much he is paying her out for the asset now!

Original poster
runningaway90 · 08/12/2024 18:44

Feeling really positive and excited for flat viewing. I won't give full details but my financial situation has been made a bit easier after reaching out to family so I could move out pretty much straight away once I get a place sorted. So a huge barrier has been removed for me and feeling very much like it will all work out

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 08/12/2024 18:50

runningaway90 · 08/12/2024 18:44

Feeling really positive and excited for flat viewing. I won't give full details but my financial situation has been made a bit easier after reaching out to family so I could move out pretty much straight away once I get a place sorted. So a huge barrier has been removed for me and feeling very much like it will all work out

Oh that’s great to hear @runningaway90

im sending you all the luck iv got to spare!

just think this time next year you’ll be coming back on here to tell us all your Christmas plans from your brand new life! I can’t wait 😛

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 08/12/2024 19:23

You were looking at rentals in August too, weren't you.

Isn't there something happening with the mortgage sometime in the New Year - which is just a few weeks away, like remortgaging or something.

Original poster
runningaway90 · 08/12/2024 19:34

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 08/12/2024 19:23

You were looking at rentals in August too, weren't you.

Isn't there something happening with the mortgage sometime in the New Year - which is just a few weeks away, like remortgaging or something.

I was looking but I hadn't booked anything. Sorry, I'm trying to take positive steps but you seem to be commenting to show me how little progress I've made? There's a remortgage coming up but not for a few months.

OP posts:
Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 08/12/2024 19:38

That is truly WONDERFUL news OP! I'm so happy for you that things are really beginning to fall into place! I honestly feel like I know you after all these months, and no, that isn't chastising you for taking your time, simply saying that it's great to see how far you've come. Do please keep coming back and letting us know how things progress.

Original poster
runningaway90 · 08/12/2024 19:44

@Ginkypig @Lazypeopledrivemecrazy thanks both, feeling so much stronger and telling myself that I CAN do this whereas I've always felt like it was pipedream and never gonna happen. I know it's taken me so long (too long probably) to get here but appreciate the support and just glad in finally in this headspace!

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 08/12/2024 19:50

you can do this, you always could
now you need to make sure you will

Original poster
runningaway90 · 08/12/2024 19:57

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 08/12/2024 19:50

you can do this, you always could
now you need to make sure you will

Thank you x

OP posts:
nutbrownhare15 · 08/12/2024 20:23

I remember your first posts. Willing you on. Re: the dog in time I wonder if you could mention to him that it's actually a good thing that he can have the dog as your new place won't let you have them. No guarantee but if he thinks it will make your life more difficult to have the dog maybe he'll give her to you

ZebraD · 08/12/2024 20:33

Ah that’s fantastic news…great for reaching out and getting some help. My family have helped me in the past (loaning money to keep a roof over my head which I will be eternally grateful for)
I hope your viewing goes well. I can’t wait to hear for the next update, woop woop! Exciting!

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