Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

Well done @runningaway90

no advice as I have had a glass of wine 😳

but sending you well wishes and praise for how well you are doing!

I have been looking but no appointments yet until we sort out how much I will be owed and then timings for me to stop paying 2/3 mortgage. At the moment I don't know if I can afford to buy or just rent long term and can't afford to pay 2 places at once

Can he afford to buy you out, or does the house need to be sold.

Buying me out with the help of parents

I'm SO pleased to hear that things are moving forward OP, do let us know how he reacts once he realises how much he actually needs to pay you. Who exactly is going to work this out?

I haven't got too far with the practical stuff this week in all honesty but from what I know. We either agree between ourselves or our solicitors will negotiate til we agree, or go to court and waste all the money. So hopefully it can be agreed fairly easily for the cost but I think that will take me compromising a bit. This is where I hope to take the dog as a bargaining tool.

Excellent news.

Is the upside of his acting like nothing has happened that you feel more emotionally detached, or is it just astonishingly weird?

He has as much (more) to lose than you do by dragging it out and making it go through the solicitors. Make sure your solicitors are savvy and do the sums and don’t let him rip you off.

And Congratulations! 🥳

I honestly wouldn’t bring the dog into the conversation regarding the split of the house. Don’t compromise, he will really take advantage. Just simply advise you are taking the dog when know you are going and the finances are in place.
Really glad for you that you have come this far. I hope you can feel happiness just around the corner . Keep going…

I have went back and forth the last 2 weeks listening to everything he says and hoping it could somehow be fixed but it's all came to a head again. Somehow me wanting to break up made him launch into 2 days of telling me how horrible I am and that the reason we are breaking up is because I can't change apparently. I really feel he's tried all his usual tactics of wanting to go to couples counselling and then blaming me and I'd usually cave. But I haven't. And I've told all my support network what's happened. I've got a solicitor lined up already and valuation booked but he has just fed the fire. He gets under my skin but I've taken a day to listen to all the advice I've been given from here, family, counsellor etc and I KNOW I am not the abusive one here no matter what he says. He is adamant he is keeping the dog as apparently the best thing for her which breaks my heart but I just cannot be manipulated any more. And honestly feel proud I've managed to stick to my guns after the manipulation tactics he's pulled that usually always work.

Well done you OP! It really IS hard when they use every trick in the book to try to make you feel that it's all your fault, and that you need to try harder, but remember, he's been subtly manipulating you for years, in order to get his own way, so he's bound to pull out all the stops, when he can see you, and your money, slipping away.

NOW that the scales have slipped from your eyes, and you can see him for what he really is, it's time for you to get your life back on track WITHOUT him. You know you'll be happier once everything settles down. I won't try and fool you into thinking it will be easy over the next few months, but it WILL be worth it, and you WILL still have people like me, who have been here from your very first post, to give you the support you need. Stay strong, you can do this! We're all rooting for you!

Well done OP. It is really tough when you know you’re done but the abuser keeps trying to manipulate you. You can see through him now.
He probably still doesn’t believe you’re going to go through with this. Once he realises ( when he gets a letter from your lawyer) he’ll probs stop trying to manipulate. My ex was like this.

I would sit back and calmly watch him trying one tactic after another. It was an interesting study in psychology.

Heartbreaking re the dog. I wouldn’t mention it again but just take her when you leave. It’s unlikely he’ll have the mental energy to do anything about it. He’ll be too busy counting his financial losses.

I'm so glad you can so he is abusive, so glad you have people around you.

Life will be better without him.

You've honestly made me almost burst into tears which sounds pathetic but I really appreciate it. I obviously have a support network IRL but it really feels like I need so much reassurance to be strong against him and I can't tell you how much I have appreciated this support. Especially at times where I have felt really alone and not able to tell my friends and family what's going on. I know it's not going to be easy but I'm just ready for the next part of my life whatever that will be. But it 100% has to be better that staying here in this awful toxic environment.

Honestly thanks for all that have kept replying to me it's helping me so much x

The “mortgage” payments you made on the old house were technically rent because you had no ownership in the old house. So why did you have to pay half of the estate agents fees when he sold it? It’s either mortgage or it’s rent - he seems to be switching between the two depending on what suits him.

You paying 2/3 of the mortgage on the new house isn’t a fair way to even things out. You need to separate deposit from mortgage. You split the mortgage 50/50 and each month you should save up to make up what he has subbed you for your half of the deposit.

As far as repairs go, you can afford it or you can’t and it will have to wait.

It's amazing what we women can do to help each other, when someone reaches out, isn't it OP? I'm glad that our support has helped you, although sorry if I brought you to the edge of tears.

Remember, we're here for you 24 hours a day, unlike friends and family, who we often feel we can't reach out to in the middle of the night when things have a habit of playing on our minds. Take care of yourself, sending you a girly hug!😀

OP I have just read every one of your updates. You’re so close to freedom! Well done, this has been hard to read let alone to live through for you. Stay focused and be on the watch for his tactics!

Good luck!

I am so happy to see you posting with exactly the mindset I knew even right at the start you would eventually find. I always knew you had it in you and that given time you would find the strength and confidence to talk the steps you needed even though it would terrify you to take them.

i am so so proud of you. I hope you I don’t sound patronising because I feel nothing but pleasure to see you this close to what ever comes next. No matter what it is I just know it will be great because it can’t be worse than the time he has stolen from you.

i can’t wait to see posts from your new life!

I know and you know too that it’s not over yet but you will make it through this next bit too.

We are just strangers on the internet but we are and will be here when you come back here needing strength

Wowsers you sound so changed and so determined from your first posts. And right from the off we said you’d get there. And you are.
can you start making 50/50 payments to the mortgage to free up some extra money to save for when you move. Hopefully won’t be long before things are resolved. So glad things are moving forward - great news x

Thanks all. Been wide awake for hours but have read all my posts back here and can see it's all the same cycle, nothing would really ever change if I gave him another chance. I'm scared about the future obviously but glad I have finally said enough is enough. There were so many times over the weekend I just wanted to say ok I'm sorry let's try again like I normally would but I know I would just be pushing it down the line again. I know I can do this, just got to get through to the other side of it and already wishing I hadn't wasted so much time

You haven’t wasted time, you have been preparing yourself for the inevitable- lots of people do that. I have done it and when I eventually I was much better because I allowed time to prepare. Do t be so hard on yourself. Get that determination to fairly settle your finances and then there will be no stopping you. But don’t back down and settle for less. If the house needs to be sold, (if his parents will only offer so much and it is below hat you should get) then so be it. But 50/5 from here on in. You’re doing great.

The problems are because you won’t change? No, the problems are because you WANT change, and he won’t change.

Anyway, you have got here. Through dozens of small steps and little victories, you are ready to go and have a great life. Well done, deep breath, keep making those steps.

You haven’t wasted time you needed that time to be ready.

when you kept coming back here feeling shame and guilt because you felt you weren’t doing what we were telling you you should be we told you yes but you will just don’t drop the idea and keep working slowly forward.

the very act of pushing yourself to come back to this thread over and over despite thinking we were maybe going to berate or judge you for your lack of action showed me you were processing and building within yourself.

of course you want to choose what looks like the easiest way but you know you deserve better and that only you can put the change in is directly because you put all this framework in place to hold you up throughout this.

so no you haven’t wasted time. You built what you needed to sustain you through what was to come.

it is nearly over now, then it will be untangling the last remaining threads from what comes next so he has no ties to you ever again.

If you had left sooner I think you would have had doubts, now you can see clearly his abuse and emotional manipulation.

Leaving someone you loved is painful and difficult, leaving someone so clever and manipulating harder still. It's incredibly painful to realise that someone you loved very much doesn't love you on the same way.

I would keep quiet about the dog for now, don’t raise the subject again. Let him think that you are going to concede on this. Then when you are ready to leave, pick a day he is away and just pack up, take the dog and go. He can start legal proceedings if he wishes but I doubt when push comes to shove he with bother. Don’t give him your forwarding address so he can’t turn up there.

I might be wrong, but I think you said everything for the dog is in your name? Microchip/vet/insurance. Did you organise getting the dog in the first place, did money change hands and can you prove it? If so I doubt he has a case for ownership.

I highly suspect that he doesn’t even want the dog, he just knows how much you care for it, so is using it as a stick to beat you with now that he is losing control of you. Don’t let him see it bothers you. Don’t discuss it.

I’m belatedly catching up but just wanted to say bloody well done! 🎉👏🎉👏🎉

you are amazing to have come so far! I’m so proud of you!