Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

Good to hear from you again OP. Little steps in the right direction and you’ll get there 😊
Hope your dog is getting better x

I was just thinking about you today @runningaway90

good to hear from you.

im sorry to hear about your dog, I hope it’s better soon.

this is the beginning of the change. You’re thinking is changing and the fear of the unknown is fading.

just keep on going your doing great.

You started this thread in February and you're still in the same situation? You have no ties, you're not married, no kids. Just leave him, get the house sold and get your money back - write off the bit you may have lost and get a new life. Stay with family or friends for a bit if you need to. Get rid!!

Not helpful.

Sorry to hear about your dog has been poorly, I hope it is nothing too serious.
Are you sure you want to leave without having your money in place from the sale of your home or a buy out?
is he aware you are looking for somewhere else to live?
I think once you find somewhere, which isn’t as easy as you might think, there will be no stopping you. Get some appointments booked for these properties, I think it will really let your imagination run wild on how your new life will actually be.
lovely to hear the update, I do keep thinking of you and wishing you well.
one step closer…

Great to hear an update from you @runningaway90 and sorry to hear about your dog, hope he/she is doing better soon.

Keep daydreaming about that free future, it will one day give you the strength to pull the trigger.

Why don’t you book a viewing to see one of those properties? It might help make the daydream feel like it could be a reality…… push you a step closer.

@HarrietStyles

i think the viewing is a good idea even if you don’t take it!

use it as a way to take another safe step without the pressure that you will sign on there and then but that you know you can go to view them. The next few times won’t be as scary and you won’t have to push yourself so hard.

think of it as a test run to get over the hurdle of actually doing it before going ahead with viewings for real.

I love house browsing! Totally go and see everything because houses are like clothes and can’t be bought on the internet. It’s like mood boarding your perfect life!

I agree with this comment, based on what you have already shared it seems to me like he will continue to expect the same financial contributions from you but most likely you will be the predominant caregiver to any children. This will effect your earning potential. If you think you are stressed now having even one child will increase the stress by double (at minimum) if these conditions continue to exist.

@runningaway90 . I think you should put the house on the market. If he won't agree, you need to engage a solicitor to force a sale. Even if he ends up buying you out, it will be the only way you can get what you are legally entitled to, rather than what he thinks is fair.

You'll get there, OP, and I promise things will be a million times better for you. I was in a relationship with a similar man (in fact I didn't realise just HOW financially abusive he was until I left and told people the full extent of our relationship), and I get the fear of the unknown in terms of leaving. Once you get the courage to take that step, your life will be so much happier.

Hey all, things are finally over. Spent the night having a big blow up about how terrible I am and him probably expecting to grovel to make everything right, and I'm not. I really feel absolutely done and broken at this stage and that he's tried to twist everything to be my fault. I have counselling tomorrow thankfully and I'm not going back. Logistics wise I'm in the spare room and will see how it goes, I'll leave if I have to but it will be without the dog at least in the short term. I've gotten to be point where I can't worry about the dog anymore, I just feel absolutely broken down. There's no going back from it this time though, so clear how much he manipulates it all and I can't do it any longer.

Wow…I am sorry for your upset but also proud that you have got to a point where you can walk away. Although you may be hurt you have obviously found your inner strength to just end it.
try just to be practical now and get the finances split accordingly in terms of releasing your assets so that you can move on with your own place or otherwise.
really brave…well done. I hope it feels as though a weight has been lifted x

So sorry you feels so broken op, but glad it's finally over. Wishing you peace and relief in the near future. Hugs.

Best of luck 🤞

I'm feeling so relieved for you, I've followed this thread since you first posted, and as time went on I've often thought about you in between your posts. It can feel so difficult to leave a relationship when finances/lives are so entwined, but there's always that 'straw that broke the camels back', and last night seems to have been that straw for you.

I feel like the situation will likely become very difficult for you with exDP and his mother, but all you need from this is what's rightfully yours financially and hopefully the dog.

Please continue to keep us updated, we're all rooting for you xx

Like other posters OP, I'm sorry that you're feeling so broken, but sadly all too often we have to get to this point before we can move forward, so in that respect I'm glad that the scales have finally fallen from your eyes. Let us know how you get on with your counselling session today. Sending a hug to keep you strong.

You feel broken the truth is you were broken before this you just couldn’t see it but you have already started to rebuild, you have been doing it inside the damage area but you have been tentatively putting little pieces in a pile, hiding them ready to put back together one day.

im really sorry I know this must feel awful but you are slowly getting towards the end and from here the damage he can do will hit less and less until you reach the light because you are closing off from him.

get everything you can out of therapy tomorrow. Maybe ask if you can book another session sooner so you can use one for this and the other to put together logistics and plan for what comes next.

tell your family immediately that you are no longer together. Also as you are still planning on being in the same house ask if its ok to call at a mutually agreed time just so you have someone checking in with you once a day as an extra layer of safety net.
tell your therapist unless I cancel that it should be a red flag if you don’t attend your appointment.

im not trying to scare you but you know this is the most common time for things to escalate and I want you to have some safety measures in place because you won’t have any safe space from him.
Personally I would talk to mum sister or a friend and ask if it would be possible if you need it to stay.
either way make sure everything important is away at one of their homes incase you find yourself having to leave for the final time without notice.

as far as the dog is concerned you’ll sort that however you can when you can but you can’t do anything until you are in a position of safety. I know that’s a horrible way to think because you love your dog but it’s the reality for now.

im sending you everything iv got @runningaway90 keep you head down and keep going you are nearly there..

I've been following your thread from the start op. I know how hard it can be to make that break. But you've done it!!! Well done.

Just take one day at a time, but keep moving forward.

Thanks all really appreciated it. I'm feeling ok and really glad the counselling was booked for today. She is helping me to unpick the nasty things he has said and also trying to get me to take my "power" back. Just need to be strong and ignore all of his manipulation.

You have to pay 2/3 of the mortgage until it’s cleared? Apologies, I havent read the entire thread but surely the interest you are paying alone would be more than his down payment. A large down payment in part to you contributing to his last mortgage! He is taking the absolute mick. This sounds like a very controlling relationship.

Followed from the start OP and feel so pleased you’ve finally managed to break free of him.

Be kind to yourself. Take it a step at a time and its onwards and upwards from here.

Yes be strong, know your worth!! Next stop solicitor ?? You’ve got this, you really have x

Thanks all, had really busy week of work which has distracted me from it all. Phoned solicitor and appointment booked then next step will be house valuation. He's acting like nothing has happened, of course!

and are you starting to make appointments to view places to live, or are you sorted already.