Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

He can’t fuck you over if you just refuse to sign anything.
You need a lawyer to ensure anything you sign is fair.

This is a relationship not a financial agreement…just a reminder.

I've just spotted this which is on today at 12 noon, on Radio 4 consumer programme with phone in:

"On today's You and Yours, a report out today into the impact of financial abuse for women who hold joint mortgages, finds one in eight women are impacted in some way. We hear from one woman about her experience plus Sam Smethers from the charity Surviving Economic Abuse tells us why they're calling for a change in the law. "

May be of interest.

Yes,very much this too !! He’s fighting for his own financial security at your expense.

Without you funding him he couldn’t afford to live there. He wants you to sign on the dotted line.
Is this your romantic partner OP ?

Same for me

Sending you a big hug @runningaway90

Hi all, sorry I haven't been back to update. Have been working on my mental health and had a few personal issues that threw me. I have realised I've had very bad anxiety and catastrophizing a lot so I have been working on this with my counsellor and feeling much better. I haven't wanted to make a decision until I was feeling mentally stronger and don't feel I can uproot my life for a few more weeks due to the other circumstances going on. However my days have been a lot easier and I'm feeling so much clearer and able to see all of his behaviour in a more subjective way. I have taken the pressure off myself so I can make a clearer decision but honestly I am still feeling I want to end things which I know is good and I'm glad that I will do it with a clear head rather in fight or flight mode. I know it's not much of an update really but have felt a huge mental shift. Hope everyone is doing good x

That's such a positive update. It's far better to get yourself in a calm place to make such a big decision.

When you are in a stronger place, you are more likely to be able to follow through and keep your resolve.

Stick with it xx

Yes, I second this. It's so easy to say 'just leave' but life is so often more complicated than that. It sounds like when you do leave (if that ends up being what you want), it will be on your terms and and in a much healther frame of mind, you'll thank yourself for that in the end. Thanks for keeping us all posted.

When you leave OP don't let him have his deposit and half the equity he's acrued whilst you've been paying 2/3 of the mortgage. If you are generous enough to let him have his deposit back rather than simply splitting everything 50/50 make sure you get 2/3 of any equity. If he doesn't like that split then 50/50 it is. Don't waste your life on this arsehole!

Thanks all, I can't tell you how much I appreciate having somewhere to come back to for advice and it's been so kind and supportive. I have felt quite isolated as I'm not speaking to friends and family about it much while I figure things out so really really appreciate having an anonymous outlet to help me

It is an update. A great one!

you are working towards changing your mindset and therefore your life.

stop worrying that you are letting us down!
whatever you decide or don’t and how long this takes is entirely up to you, this is your life. The people who are still here and checking on the thread are here because we want to support you, we believe you can make the changes and deserve to to have a better life than this but we aren’t judging you (at least I definitely know I’m not!)

I will say though and I mean it gently without judgement that there is never going to be a good time to make the break and actually end things properly, you will almost always find a reason to not or think that life circumstances aren’t right at that moment and it won’t be until afterwards when you look back once you are out of the situation and feel safe that you can see with clarity that the time to have left was a long time before you did.

you'll get there @runningaway90 dont be disheartened.

@Ginkypig thank you so much, again a kind message and I appreciate it. I know I'll get there and I know it's so easy to find excuses as I already wish I'd left sooner before other things happened. However I do feel that I need to be in a strong headspace so I don't go running back, which I haven't been until very recently. Appreciate the very non judgemental advice 🙏

Well done for moving forward. Never feel bad that you are taking your time, it is your life, you have to go at a pace that feels right for you. It must be very stressful for you, as you are sort of in limbo at the moment, so hope you are doing ok. Try to take time out when you can, to look after yourself and, if you can, please try and open up to friends and family so you can get their support. You will get there when the time is right for you.

Yes I agree and I think you are being very brave being so honest and working so hard in therapy to give yourself the best chance to make this work when it happens rather than snapping one day with no plan in place and without the resilience to ensure it definitely works.

please don’t think i am trying to rush you, I’m Only pointing it out because of the potential that you get stuck or frozen thinking tomorrow or next week or next month and because it’s always going to take a bit of force to propel you into it but you are still working towards that, and you are working hard!

Ah bless you. I think what you are doing is sensible. Knowing what you need to do and carrying it out isn’t always easy. It’s really daunting and overwhelming at times. Sounds like you’re really getting yourself together in the best way possible. When you eventually break free, it really will be like a weight has lifted.
sorry to hear there have been other factors holding you back. One day at a time xx

What a lovely surprise, running away! It's always nice to hear from you, like an old friend, though you don't owe us any apology and must feel free to suit yourself as and when you decide whatever you decide in any aspect of your life.

I've thought about you so many times and hoped you were doing well in whatever you choose. So glad you are going along well with the counsellor and feeling your own way through. You've not had an easy path or circumstances to deal with and I hope you just keep on keeping on, searching for the right outcome for you and coming here if and whenever it suits. We all keep chugging on in our own way, hoping for the best.

I’m glad you’re doing better. Please don’t shut out your friends and family, they are important. Even if you can’t talk about this make sure you connect with them and talk about other things.

What a great update OP 😊

Well done you. It takes the time it takes to be ready to make big changes.

If you actually want to get married, get married. It will cut the gordian know, legally, the wheels within wheels you describe here sound ghastly...

Hey all. Quick update but the past few weeks have been hard as the dog has been very unwell and that has been all I can think about or deal with. We are getting to the bottom of it so feeling a little better and as soon as that stress died down I have been obsessively looking on Rightmove at options for buying and renting. I think that says it all really. Deep down I feel he is restricting my freedom and keep imagining my life without him, where I could go on holiday and live where I want, within reason. Again not a major update but checking in for those who are interested and I hope you are all doing well.

Good to hear from you. I hope the dog is getting better, what a difficult time for you

That's REALLY good news OP, little steps, but in the right direction. I hope the dog is feeling better now? We're all still here rooting for you!