Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

Sorry I haven't been back to update for a few weeks. I'm sure my silence is probably speaking volumes that I've not managed to go through with it yet and still in the cycle of him improving, making promises etc. I feel mentally stuck but I have managed to get on top of the anxiety a bit and feeling calmer day to day. I enjoyed my holiday but didn't feel any relief being away from him and I don't understand that. I haven't found it very helpful to update as I just feel embarrassed/ashamed for letting another opportunity to leave go by. The roof has been delayed until next year which gave me more time to ruminate, probably not a good thing but has helped reduce the panic of having to make a decision right now. Sorry not a great update but appreciate people checking in.

oh.

I thought he had gone ahead with the roof and paid for it, and that you now owed him the money.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon no he has agreed to pay it and it was due to be done this month but now been delayed. He has agreed to pay it but wants to write up in a tenants in common document to cover that and his deposit if we split.

And, I hope, you are therefore only paying 50% of the mortgage from now on...

So he is putting his ducks in a row then.
You need to do the same…dont sign anything!
His deposit was blown out of the window when his higher expectations of your were put in place. You have caught up on the deposit and he knows it.
Dont be upset about ‘progress’ its your life not ours.
As long as you are ok. I don’t suppose there would be relief in holiday as you have no resolution…but you’ll tire of feeling this way before long and you’ll just end it.
How have things been day to day together…are you getting along? Strained…

Please don't feel embarrassed OP

As someone who's been there, I know how hard it can be to leave.

I wouldn't have expected any relief on holiday, because you were still undecided about leaving or not and an awful lot of the anxiety and stress comes from that. You're not actually 'free' at that point if that makes sense.

For me, the relief came a month or so after leaving when something happened that he would have reacted badly to and I felt myself bracing for the verbal abuse and it never came. Knowing I'd never have to face that again was the biggest relief.

I had moments after leaving when I wasn't sure, but that really cemented it for me that I'd made the right decision.

I also agree re not signing anything.

Make sure to take legal advice to ensure it is completely fair and recognises your higher contribution to the mortgage as well as your 50:50 mortgage payments before buying and any contact to selling/buying costs.

In fact, I would put a spreadsheet together (without his input as he has always been biased towards having things in his favour) and see exactly how much you have contributed. Then consult a lawyer to see where you stand.

Always good to hear from you but don't want to make you feel worse for not having left or put pressure on you in addition to what you are already dealing with. You don't owe it to anyone. Glad to know that you are managing anxiety better day to day.

When you say he is doing a tenants in common document ref his deposit, what does it say about your financial contribution? This could be an opportunity for you to negotiate to right the imbalance that you have paid over the odds for the mortgage and other things over the years.

It is very hard to leave such an abusive person.

An interim response to him is "I'll think about on the condition we split the mortgage 50:50 from this month".

It lets him know you aren't going to be a push over.

You need a very very long and detailed list of everything you have spent on the house. The interest charges on the mortgage which need to be split 50:50 and how much each of you has contributed to the mortgage.

Then it gets ringfenced according to what each of you has contributed to date. Suddenly he will not be so keen to sign I'm sure. This would at least look like agreeing the split without going to court.

Another thing to say to buy you time is "I'll need independent legal advice before I sign anything".

Ask him to put in writing everything he has spent on the house less any monies you gave direct to him towards it. Let him do the ground work.

Thanks for all the replies and appreciate how non judgmental they've been as I have been feeling so embarrassed about it all and angry with myself but I know that he does have a hold over me and it's very complex.
He wants to write up both of our financial contributions which I agree with but he also wants to include the 2/3 mortgage I've been paying for years. So my main sticking point is that it feels like I'd be committing to paying that percentage for good which worries me. I've been trying to get his to readjust things to be fairer but he says he can't afford to pay more monthly especially when he is paying all of the roof so I'm putting off committing to signing anything unless he agrees to change the split going forward as don't want to be held to paying more.

Well he can fuck off then.

Have you seen all of this in writing from him and is it correct?

You need everything written down and triple check it's correct. Including the interest charges and mortgage payments.

That gives you the basis for how much he pays you to buy you out. He's helping get your ducks in a row.

He is now saying that his money is ringfenced AND you have to pay 2/3 mortgage forever. Absolute piss poor joke.

Definitely a good idea not to sign anything.

I also wonder if he's using a similar tactic my ex used which is to steer away from the real issue (wanting to end the relationship) by bogging me down in conversations about other things that need a lot of thought like finances, division of chores, repairs etc. I'd then be tied up trying to fight my corner to try and find a fair resolution for whatever the issue was that I forgot about the real issue which was that the relationship made me unhappy.

I'm not sure if I've explained that well or if it makes any sense. I didn't realise it was happening at the time and it's only looking back that I can see it.

It's a bit unclear. You say he wants to include the 2/3 you have been paying so it sounds to me as though this will be included to calculate your respective shares to date rather than you agreeing to pay the same amount going forward. Meaning that your share of the house should have grown accordingly and will be legally ringfenced going forward.
If he can't afford to pay half of the mortgage then he will need to sell the house he cannot afford to keep.
Please tell me you spoke to a solicitor about all of this. You don't have to leave or do anything but you do need some legal council.

Please don't beat yourself up op. You probably didn't feel relief bc it isn't resolved yet. A document could protect you both but obviously it need to be fair to both parties and you should talk to a lawyer. It sounds like both of you might be house poor.

He's not put anything down concrete as I keep avoiding actually sitting down and doing it - I've got a list of what I've paid and I do obviously want to protect that but I just think he's going to fuck me over. As you say, protecting his deposit and trying to commit me to paying the extra mortgage indefinitely. I do realise when we have these discussions that things aren't right btw just very difficult to stand up for myself and get convinced that I'm being a free loader

You are right to refuse to sign on his terms. Insist on your own interests being reflected in it. He is determined to protect his favoured position, which isn't being fair to you. You would probably need to have a solicitor advising you on this and steering you on how to negotiate it, or alternatively, doing the negotiation.

Not if you already have the list of things you paid. You are going to have to sit down and look at numbers together. This is a good thing as there is no hiding from the facts. Sitting down and having all the calculations is not committing you in any legal sense. It is just getting the lay of the land on paper. From then on, you both need to hire solicitors who can draw an agreement which is fair to both parties.
Avoiding this conversation only prolongs status quo, unfortunately. I would also change your direct debit to only reflect 50% of the outgoings until the matter is resolved. He can't legally force you to pay any more than this. He can't even legally to force you to pay any of it.

Don't sit down together.

Tell him to email you his list over and you'll write down yours and send it back. So when he says he paid £5k for x you can include the £2.5k you paid him directly back for that and so on.

You can't do it with him breathing down your neck. You never "mediate" with your abuser.

Get all your contributions together now and have it prepared, do the same got what you can of his also as he's hoping to browbeat you into agreeing by talking you in circles. If he ringfences his deposit and you continue to pay the higher amount you're also committing to the interest. Hes getting ducks in a row and will likely pull the rug as soon as you sign. If the mortgage is split fairly then you'd be able to save for a year towards the roof would you not? How is that an excuse for you to pay higher forever? Don't let him use stuff like this. If anything I'd be hearing alarm bells that he's preparing for a split and wants to shaft you. If anything I'd say no and split now and get what you're owed

At the moment his is panicking because he knows you legally own half the house and you are both equally liable for the mortgage. This is your leverage.

Absolutely NO sitting down together to discuss finances when he can bamboozle, confuse and bully you. He writes down the FACTS and figures of what he put in, what he has paid since and to whom. The same for you. Then the mortgage I refer as a shared equal costs, then what each have you contributed to the mortgage payments.

He will do anything to stop this being done fairly.

He wanted that house, without you he couldn't have purchased it.

Shut down any "you have benefited from me xyz" with "you wanted this house and only have it because of me and my contribution for the last X years" all that money you subsidised with him before too.

I can't remember whether you both own the house as joint tenants with a joint mortgage - both names on the mortgage deed. The legalities of this can be a bit more complicated than first appears or what you might think he's talking about. I'm wondering if this document he has in mind is a deed of trust, which would reflect both your contributions and would protect what you have already contributed.

Here's a Which? article explaining about joint or tenants in common and what the deed of trust is:

"What is a deed of trust?
A deed of trust is a legal document that's also known as a 'declaration of trust'.
It can include details such as how much money each joint owner paid towards the property deposit, and what should happen to their money if:

• the relationship breaks down;
• one person is unable to pay their share of the mortgage; or
• you want to sell the property.

It can be a useful document to have in place if you're buying a property with other people and want to protect your financial contributions."

www.which.co.uk/money/mortgages-and-property/first-time-buyers/buying-a-home/joint-tenants-vs-tenants-in-common-aDZA73M2m9D8

If you are in a committed relationship that is going to last, you do t need all of this. This is most definitely the exit. Because it should have been sorted at the beginning of it were any kind of issue. It’s an issue now because he knows it is over and that it is just a matter of time.
if the roof can wait a year…can it wait forever? What is the urgency?! It’s on him if he wants it done. From here on in 50/50 and the extra you were paying goes into a savings account for your exit - get your ducks in a row! x

I thought you had already spoken to a solicitor quite some time ago ?

I think there are some questions you need to ask yourself, and answer yourself honestly.

1. do you love him
2. do you see yourself being with him in a loving relationship in 5 / 10 / 25 / 50 years time
3. do you want to marry him
4. do you want to have children with him
5. do you want to live in this property
6. do you want to continue paying a higher % of the mortgage
7. does he love you
8. do you think or believe he sees himself being with you in a loving relationship in 5/10/20/50 years time
9. do you believe he will propose one day
10. do you think he wants to have children with you
11. will he ever accept you paying a different % of the mortgage
12. if you were on maternity leave, what % of the mortgage would he expect you to pay...
13. would he expect or want you to return to full time work if you were the mother of his children
14. what % of the nursery fees would he pay...

Agree with this.
Do not sit down with him to discuss it. He will pressurise and manipulate you and grind you down til you cave in and sign something which favours him.

Get advice from a lawyer before you sign anything.

Take it from me. People like him never change so the question is do you want to continue in this business style relationship forever? You can do much better and have family support, you’re in a good position to leave