Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

Hi guys, thank you for checking in and sorry for the radio silence. I am ok but feeling horrendously anxious and confused after the last attempt to end things. So in a somewhat reckless attempt to make sure this is all fucking over soon, I'm going on a very last minute holiday with my mum and planning to tell him it's done either right before I go or while I'm away so there is no discussion and I have some space and peace. I'm finding it so so hard to leave but I know I have to and at least this time I'll be away from him in the aftermath. Mentally I can't go on this way much longer and I hope I will feel a lot of relief x

I think that's a really good idea OP. Having done it myself, I know that it's a really difficult thing to do, and it's like you're in mourning for what you've lost, BUT, once it's done, and you're away from him, you'll wonder why you put up with it, and why it took you so long, and what's more, you'll have an exciting future to plan for and to put into practice. Personally, I think I'd tell him just before you go on your holiday, as you'll have your Mum, and different surroundings, to help relax you and get you ready for the next stage. Have you worked out where you're going to go yet?

That’s a solid plan.

you have engaged real life support in your mum and a way to make the decision then leave the situation before you can be manipulated.

have you got on top of the practical issues like putting all important paperwork and documents and particular sentimental items etc into a bag and removing it from the house (maybe to your mums or a friends house) as once you leave there’s no telling what he will do next.
this means that the immediate important stuff is safe and the rest you can deal with once you get home from holiday.

you are doing really well @runningaway90 you do it however you need to so long as the end result is you are free.

Where are you going to stay after the holiday ?

aww bless you. What a great idea though. I agree, tell him just before you, firstly you won’t be dwelling on telling him any longer than you need to, secondly it gives you the full holiday to ‘get over’ the initial stages of separation whilst having lots of support from your mum.
i hope you have a fabulous time because the weight will feel like it has been lifted when you go - you can deal with the realities of the aftermath when you get back of sorting finances etc.
you’ll get there, again, well done for being brave.

Thats a good idea,OP.

But just echoing what @Ginkypig says in that you should have all your paperwork and important documents sorted and away from the house once you make the decision to leave.

If you still want to take the dog, perhaps kennels til you get back? Unless it’s a staycation and you’re taking her with you.
Once you’ve left you need to avoid having to go back for any reason and then get the legalities sorted from a distance.

Thanks all. The practical side still an issue but just can't let it stop me anymore as I'll still be here in 5 years if I keep worrying about all that. Planning to take some stuff to my mum's so I can stay there if I need to. Ideally I can go back and stay until I am off the mortgage and found a place to live so I can also look after the dog. I am hoping the week he has to look after her alone will be enough for him not to want her long term, and going to let his sister know so she can check in that he is looking after her. Obviously it is not ideal but I just need to do it at this point and hope it all works out. I just need some space from it initially and I think that having a week away not feeling all this anxiety will really help.

The anxiety is likely just the nervous energy but will probably dissipate pretty quickly.
not immediately but once you’ve moved into your mum’s and the energy of the build lessens so will the anxiety.

in terms of the practical stuff I agree you shouldn’t be worrying about all that I just meant get all your paperwork, passport, driving licenses, birth certificate, family photos, anything that can give him access like if you have passwords written down or really sentimental things and get them shifted over to your mum.

deep breathing @runningaway90 you are nearly there and you aren’t alone now so just keep your head down and your mind on the bit that comes after this.

staying at your mum’s is a good shout if it’s possible. It’ll give you support and time to rebuild some resilience and feel strong enough to move on to the next parts.
it will also mean you have a safety net when he turns on the next behaviours.

I wouldnt be so quick to move out of my own asset unless completely necessary. When you tell him, I would encourage him to come up with a reasonable settlement upon separation and sale of the property or for him to buy you out. Leave him with your thoughts of a fair sum but you 100% should not be leaving with nothing. He has the week to think about it while you are away. He will know you mean business and that it is over. It will spell finality. If he doesn’t to play ball, then you’ll know and can speak with a solicitor and do something more formal potentially.
your anxiety may still be there on holiday but the only way to rid yourself of it completely is to get the heck out of this awful situation you are in. Try not to get too overwhelmed, reach out for support as and when you need it, get a couple of nice things planned with friends for when you get back so you have an outlet to let go a bit and yes…breath…deeply and slowly regain that confidence!! Hugs x

How are things going? You haven quiet so I hope you are ok. Best wishes.

@ZebraD hope you are well. Sorry I don't have much to update on, I've been looking for rentals that would take the dog and going on holiday in a few days. Still really struggling with the thought of going through with it and flip flop in my mind 100 times a day but can't feel like this any longer. Been seeing my counsellor weekly and she is doing her best to help me see through his crap and get to the right decision

Don't lose heart OP, you CAN do this! When the time comes, if you want to tell him face to face, just take a deep breath, and tell him 'I'M DONE!' No arguments, I've thought everything through to the nth degree, and know that the relationship is OVER, I'm not prepared to discuss it any further, and will be leaving on (whatever date you've decided)!! If you can, then go straight out the door. Go visit a friend, leave in your car and go for a walk, anything, just so that you don't have to talk to him and go over the same old ground. Just put 'I'm done', on repeat, if he tries to talk about it. You get the picture? I'm done, I'm done, I'm done, I'm done, I'm done, I'm done, I'm done! Literally just keep saying it so that he can't interrupt you, as it's at that point that all your heart searching, and agonising, is likely to fall apart if you let him talk yet again.

Personally, I think your best bet is to have your holiday, then tell him the minute you get back, so that you don't even bother unpacking. Can you get someone to look after the dog while you're away, so that he doesn't become an issue in the moment?

I wish you all the best OP, I know how hard it is, but if you can finally make that break, you'll be asking yourself in a few months time, why it all took you so long.

Have a great holiday!

Just remember the roof issue is never ever going to go away ( in more ways then one ! )
that roof will be on the house for years !

time to find your own roof, the sigh of relief you will have when you do will be enormous !

this issue of the blooming roof has been hanging over your head for 6 blooming months

that's half a year of your life !

Thanks both for the boost. You are both right and I can't get rid of this awful underlying anxiety that I feel everyday longer that I waste here so it's got to end. I actually feel so ready to just shout I'm done on repeat so maybe that will be the best approach! There's literally nothing left to discuss with him it's just finding the courage to take my life back into my own hands!

you don't need to find that courage, you know you already have it
you just need to use it...

when is the holiday due ?

I would say tell him before/as you leave for the holiday. For your own sake. Then you have time on holiday to relax rather than building up to telling him after.
but we are all different. No right and no wrong just different perspectives. see how you feel.
can you stay with your mum? Can she help look after the dog while you rent until you get cash from house to buy your next own home. Once you really get looking for somewhere to rent it’s amazing how quickly you find somewjeee. Register with some agents, I am sure they will help. I haven’t rented before but recently set up my ex MIL with a new place to rent and ringing up and speaking to the agents was the best thing I could have done.
dont worry about going quiet…was just a bit worried that you were ok really …wasn’t sure when the holiday was and therefore if everything had gone well etc etc.
anyway…hope you enjoy your jollies!! And best wishes for your delivery of news!

Been thinking of you and hoping things are going well. Good to have a holiday arranged - something to look forward to and unwind, away from the everyday situation. Enjoy it no matter whether you've taken any big decision or not.

Either you are a committed couple or you aren’t. If you aren’t then you shouldn’t be buying a house together. If you are then you need to work together as a unit for your joint future. This means it doesn’t really matter where the money comes from. You shouldn’t be contributing 2/3 mortgage from your smaller salary or struggling to pay 50% of urgent repair costs.

Women are usually the lower earners and usually take the biggest financial and career progression hit when a couple have children. Marriage was created to protect women from financial abuse and being left with a child and no support system. You clearly aren’t married and don’t appear to have kids yet and I don’t know if you plan to, but hopefully you get the point. It’s essentially the same in any relationship. You pull together or there will be intolerable tension and inequality.

Personally, I’d never buy a house, have kids it move in with anyone who thought he should only pay 50% of the living costs. My husband has always earned multiples of what I have earned, but I have never once been made to feel that my contribution to our family was lesser because I earn less. In your shoes, a serious conversation about the future would be urgent.

Have you got a solicitor? A written proposal for how to divide the financials? Take the personal element out of it as much as possible. I am sure he must understand it is over and you should really put him out of his misery.

He has the opportunity to end it aswell!

Just checking in, as you were on my mind
,@runningaway90

My mind keeps coming back to this thread and wondering how you are@runningaway90
Hope everything is ok

Have only read OP posts as it’s a long thread, but I was in a similarly emotionally abusive relationship and it took me a couple of years to actually leave, once I had seen what was happening. Also similarly accepting really shite treatment from previous boyfriends because I “wasn’t like those other girls” with their rules and possessiveness and expectations 🙄 I’m in my 40s now but it took a long time on my own and lots of work to get to a place where a happy, equal relationship was possible. I’m super grateful for the present Mr AlertCat- it IS possible, you DO deserve it and you CAN have it, once you are free.

i really hope all is going smoothly for you OP and that you are able to escape the situation you’re in. I’m glad you have a counsellor because emotional manipulation, control, and abuse are incredibly damaging and the effects are deep and lasting. Sending you best wishes .

@runningaway90 hope you’re doing ok. Keep strong. 💪 ☺️

Similar situation for me too.

I hope you're doing OK OP.

There really is light at the end of the tunnel and the relief you feel once you're away really is worth it.