Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

Good lass!! Well done!! We can all say what we want - doesn’t mean it’s right or will happen. Ie he can say you owe in whatever he wants - doesn’t mean he is going to get it! He is not living in the real world - and now you can see that. Your mum sounds brilliant!! Take the help your family will offer. I have 3 children and do you know what I want for them?? Happiness - so go and get it. It’s heartbreaking to think of our children unhappy, the joy in seeing your kids happy is second to none. I am so very glad you have confided in her - be proud x

Glad you told your mum @runningaway90. Real life support will keep you going. Hope the dog is okay. You can do this 💪

You’re doing cracking! @runningaway90 im sending you everything iv got to get you through this!!

im so glad you told your mum. Now you know you have a safety net. You don’t need to worry anymore you aren’t alone.

Good mum! You always needed that and there she is, as good as gold. You are not alone and lonely any more.

He is trying to bully and get his way. As you say, it's not factual but there is a psychological power to even stating the claim to a notional amount of your money. It's to intimidate, control and gain advantage. Even though it's not legitimate, it's planted in your head and left there for you to deal with.

Recognising that power, take steps to neutralise it by hitting back and treating him to some of your own: tell him he owes you x amount for mortgage overpayments and y amount for whatever else you've paid for and z amount for work you've done. Let him stew on that little list.

He’s a nightmare, your mum is right! Hope you’re on your way home to family x

You are so close to being happy again and free.
Keep on keeping on, @runningaway90
Let your lovely Mum and family help you, they've probably been wanting to help for a long time.
Very very best wishes and positive thoughts at this tough hurdle. But do you know what? You can kick the bloody hurdle over and still get past it. And you will get past it. xx

You're right it is his opinion, he's not got a law degree in family law and he doesn't make the decision on who gets what. If it comes to it a judge will do this and it's based on the law and needs. Not what your dh 'thinks'.

When you say you're going home I hope you mean back to your parents house and it's the first step to leaving him.

I would want every penny back. Total up your deposit & every mortgage payment. Not sure where you stand but see what the solicitor says. I really don't believe you owe him £10k. Manipulative tight bastard.

Goodness it's amazing how if you want to do anything you owe him even more money. Surprised he doesn't have a list of rooms where he charges you for breathing his air.

It's impossible you owe him money. Simply impossible. And even if you did, he can't get it from your bank account so make sure it is put away safely and don't fret any more about it.

I hope you are off to a solicitor tomorrow; to go through the figures so they will tell you what you are entitled to, and hopefully prepare a document laying it out.

I would consider reporting your partner's to the police as financial abuse, per the Serious Crime Act 2015, which recognises economic abuse as a behaviour typical of coercive control. If you can get your mother or somebody else to come and stay with you, would that be helpful?

you know he isn’t letting you have half the house, you do legally. What he is doing is making it cost you every single day. You don’t owe 2/3 of the mortgage, his ‘opinions’ don’t count. See a lawyer so you know how full of shit he is. You get half the house. You don’t owe him. Tell him if misery and suffering were a divisible asset in a relationship break up he’d be having dump trucks of it coming his way.

He’s either a fool or a con man. Or both.

As if you owe him £10k to get out of owning a joint house with him 😂

Im not sure how much equity there is in the house, but obviously a percentage is yours.

I think I remember you said he paid the deposit? I’m not sure if you paid any in too? So the correct thing to do it’s for him to get back his initial deposit. And then a solicitor can help you work out who gets what from the sale of the house, taking into account the number of years you have been paying 2/3 of the mortgage.

Up to him if he wants to buy you out of the house, or it gets sold and you split the equity fairly.

Most importantly see a solicitor asap, so he can’t try to rip you off.

I said right in the beginning that he had shot himself in the foot by putting the house in joint names if he had paid more into it . Legally it is half yours, so once its sold and mortgage is cleared, the proceeds would be split 50/50.

He did pay more deposit, and normally I would say that morally, you should each get back what you put in. However, as you were paying half the mortgage on the old house, you have paid in to the equity that went into the new house. He has constantly made you pay him money for repairs etc. You have paid a lot of money into the house and continue to pay more on the mortgage.

If you don't have one already, then make a record of every penny that you have paid into the house, so that you can prove how much you have paid in. This will bring you more towards equalizing the amounts that you have paid in as a deposit.

You are not legally responsible for 2/3 of the mortgage. as far as I am aware, mortgages are only ever joint (could be more than 2 people), with all parties being responsible for paying the full amount if the other borrowers don't pay.

He said you had to pay 2/3 to level up to his deposit. So if you are now selling then that point is no longer valid (not that it was anyway!).

Thanks all, have read all the replies just feel all over the place. I know he is just manipulating things financially. He has been promising change yet again and how we could change how we split finances to make things fairer etc. I just feel really confused and worry that I am making things seem worse than they are but things have just felt torturous for months. Thankfully I'm seeing my counsellor shortly so hoping she can give me some clarity and help me stick to my guns.

You are in the horrible limbo phase. When you know you have to leave but haven’t been able to do it quite yet. You feel wrong committing to dates of things in the future but at the same time you can’t wholly let him know what you are thinking until your escape plan is ready.

You need to hold on to the fact that a relationship shouldn’t be hard or cause massive financial difficulties for one partner. Nor should he be treating you badly.

The thing is he may be promising change, but what has he actually done about it? He could sit down with you now and go through all the finances and make real changes straight away, but I suspect if you asked for that he would have lots of excuses for why it can't be done now.
Even if he made changes so that the finances became more fair/balanced, do you actually want a future with this man? Given his meanness and how he has treated you so far? It doesn't sound like he makes you happy, so what are you staying for? You have a support network now, but something is keeping you stuck in the same place. You need to work out what that is. I suspect you are clinging on to the idea of a future that you had hoped and planned for. But that future never existed with him anyway.

If you look back I know I said that he will turn on the charm when he thinks he is losing you. Maybe others did too. I mean agreeing to split things fairer isn’t quite cutting it now is it?! In a week he will forget that he was going to be fairer. But you agreed that you expected that too and I am sure you were quite adamant that it wouldn’t wash. Just a thought…
if you still love him, fancy him, like him then you maybe aren’t ready. Don’t do it until you are ready. If you are ready just do it lols. You really will be ok. We promise.

I said before I spoke to him that I didn't think he could change and I can't keep going on in this cycle but yet again he reeled me into a conversation about it all. Luckily my counselling session yesterday has really helped me see it for what it is. He is tapping into my self doubt that I'm the problem by blaming me for everything, and saying I am just comparing my life to everyone else, he's then guilt tripping me that he will be financially ruined if I leave and then after all that, starts love bombing me and promising me everything I want ie. let's book a holiday, let's sit down and look at all our finances etc. It gives me false hope. The fact is my anxiety is through the roof at the thought of staying and all I can keep thinking about it how manipulative he has been this weekend. Just can't do it anymore, nothing is going to change and I can't put his needs over mine for the rest of my life. Sorry it's been a turbulent few days and I just need to break free from this hold he has on me

When I mentally checked out with my now ex husband and stopped talking to him and his love bombing and other tactics failed, he became frustrated and said
“ Look, can we just sit down and talk about this?”

My reply: “ It is not possible to talk with you.For you it’s just another attempt to manipulate me, so NO !”

He knew then that it was over. He didn’t try again.

Don’t apologise. Sometimes it’s hard to see the wood for the trees. Glad you feel like you have some clarity.
you just can’t put his needs before yours. It’s that simple - he won’t be financially ruined if you split. And he isn’t bothered that you are financially ruined being with him - the arrogance! Gggrrr. x

I don't have any better advice than that you have received already, but just wanted to wish you the best of luck. He's a very rude word and you deserve so much better and will have

Well, he may be financially ruined if you split but that is not your problem, is it? He should have budgeted better when he decided to go for a house that neither of you could afford. It is not your responsibility to stay in the relationship to fix HIS financial situation.
@Moosegooseontheloose had an excellent point. Every time he asks to talk, book a holiday, look at finances together the answer should be NO. Because you gave him plenty of opportunities to do that and, yet, somehow you are still worth off.

This is what we have seen all along but you have been too close to in the middle of it then add in the haze of love and it’s no wonder you couldn’t see what was so obvious to some of us.
im so glad you have been able to access some support in real life and have had some outside presence. He is not the gatekeeper you were a fully functioning adult woman before you met him and you need to remember that. If he was some guy at a bus stop or in a pub telling you black is white you would instantly follow your gut and dismiss him but he has worn away at that part of you so you don’t believe it’s still there but it is!!you are still the smart, independent intelligent adult you were before he tried to erase it!

you are stepping back now, the forest is parting and you can see the light, you can’t live in there anymore.

whatever comes next for him is not your concern. He is an adult as are you and both of you have to forge a new life after this. He is responsible for his future and you are responsible for yours!

and actually yes he may be right but that is because he has been using you to finance his life knowing full well you can’t afford it so I bet he made some choices he wouldn’t have had he had been responsible for paying for his own lifestyle and not sucking all you dry then telling you it was never ever enough to push you for more!

Hope you’re ok OP x stay strong

Oh my goodness just realised he told you he’d be financially ruined if you left - really told on himself there, didn’t he? What he means is his life will be less cushy if he can’t steal from you. That isn’t ruin. Ruin is not having to move to a smaller house.

I hope you are ok xx

@runningaway90

just a little message to say iv been thinking about you.

i hope things are going ok.