Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

It's not easier to stay though is it?

It's tortuous and emotional and costing you a fortune! It's painful for you to come back to this thread & beat yourself up about not doing what you KNOW you need to do.
It's costing you money, peace, happiness, self esteem & your fertile years. The "opportunity cost" of staying with him is you're not open to all the other great things that could be happening to you.

@turkeymuffin thank you. That's really true it is torturous knowing I'm not doing what I need to and beating myself up, and definitely costing me happiness, self esteem etc the longer it continues

It’s easier only in the sense that you know what it is.

taking the step to leave puts you in the unknown and that’s scary. As humans we distrust what we don’t know.

the truth is it doesn’t actually matter what comes next or what you’re future will be like
there will be good,bad,ugly,great,ugly,exciting,calm and every tiny to massive thing in between because that’s what life is but it will be your own and you will be in charge of it.
you do know what it will be like if you stay and you already know it’s not how you want to spend it so that’s enough no matter what comes next!

stop adding more pressure to yourself.
You have started started to see yourself as letting us and yourself down, your possibly even beginning using this thread to punish yourself because it proves you aren’t strong enough to fix things.

well first that’s not true!!!! its the damage talking!!!

second we only care because you care, we only reply because we want you to see that people believe you can do this because you deserve better than this and you want to do this.
there is no judgment from the people who are coming back regularly to check in just support and strength.
you are so unsure of yourself that by not jumping in and immediately leaving you now are using that to self sabotage yourself the pressure of this hanging over you and not being able to do it and then tell us you have had actually added an extra layer of difficulty to your being able to do it.

but I want you to properly go back and read this thread including your own posts and see just how amazingly well you are actually doing because the reality is you are in the process and have made big progress in the time since you started this thread so you need to tell yourself that rather than berate yourself for the parts you haven’t (YET) got to yet.

stop beating yourself and start to care. Show yourself the care you deserve the rest will follow.

ultimately you had hit the nail on the head the other day. Stop talking and just do it because the talking keeps you sucked in and twisting.

walk forward whatever is ahead can’t possibly be worse than this!

Thank you 😥 all very very helpful and you're right with everything you've said. Going to read it all back and I do need to stop giving myself a hard time as it has been a process and i know I have made progress over the last few months and need to give myself some credit for that

You def need to give yourself credit! It’s not easy to leave someone even when it is the right thing to do! We are all here and in a weird way we do care as the other poster said. Even though we do not know you. We understand, we have been there, we have faith you - and so should you. You’ve got this!!

This morning is my final straw. He was in a foul mood as the dog had been misbehaving and we then got some coffees to go for a walk. He got really bad road rage on the way. We are then on the walk and he raises the fact he has been in a bad mood and said it's because I didn't offer to buy the coffees while he was driving us (20 mins away 🙄). So effectively it is my fault that he's lashing out and being angry. I got defensive as I was already annoyed and he told me I am using DARVO to deflect my behaviour. So I feel utterly fed up of spending my weekends like this and I'm sitting here trying to gear myself up to just end it. No discussion and opportunity to blame me. I can't leave straight away as I am worried about the dog especially after this morning but will be moving to the spare room and keeping my distance.

You can do this @runningaway90 💪🏼

Just tell him that you are ending the relationship. You don’t need to have any back and forth discussion with him, you can refuse. Just say that you no longer wish to be in a relationship with him, you are moving into the spare room today until you work out the practicalities of what is going to happen going forwards.

All this ☝️. Just tell him you're done. Be strong and move all your stuff to the other room and start looking for alternative home but you are also on the mortgage so he can't tell you to leave. Tell him to go if he's unhappy with you there but you aren't leaving the dog. Get a solicitor on Monday to sort the house. You can do it op. Take back control, you deserve better

I came across this thread for the first time today and need to comment. I’ve read all your posts - you do not see how far you have come. The progress you have made is quite astonishing and you should be proud of yourself. Stop beating yourself up for not having left yet. Your life is not a TV programme that gets tidied up nicely in a few hours. You do only get one life and you are sharing yours with a joy sucking dementor who has conditioned you to question and second guess yourself. You are worth so much more.

As much as im sorry this has has happened I am actually really glad because it shows you nothing is ever going to change!

when he thought there was a chance you’d leave he immediately pulled back and started treating you like a human but the moment he thought he’d pulled you back in he immediately reverted to type.

only this time you were privately keeping a check of yourself and noticed this wasn’t about you but it entirely was him!

I agree it is time to stop this. Just be ready because he is either going to do one or both

the upset I love you and I can’t lose you routine. Things will change blah blah blah

or

realise he has lost the control of you and will stop trying to mask and all will become nastier and nastier until you finally are out and on the other side.

in both circumstances i truly believe you will be able to navigate and cope with his behaviour until you get yourself into the position where you can finally put him and this behind you and get on without your new life.
keep your head down and focus on the endgames do not let him throw you off.

Tell your family and his sister that you are ending the relationship.

I suspect he will work out that you are doing so when you move into a separate room.

Chin up, OP, you are so nearly there.

PS amazing that he knows the term DARVO and even more that he has the face to use it on you. Staggering projection there.

yes @KTheGrey is right tell someone else.

andto concrete this point. Ending the relationship is not a discussion @runningaway90 it is a statement and once you have made it there is no need to talk about it.

he does not get to choose the narrative. You tell him it’s done and everything that comes after is just wind, let it blow over you and don’t engage on it.

We all knew this would happen…and now it has. As the other poster said, def move in the spare room but let him know the relationship is over. You can sort the rest out either with an agreement if he is being reasonable or otherwise legally but please both bear in mind it gets expensive! Keep strong, you’ve got this and when you’re done…will you get the coffees in for us all??? Ha ha…just kidding xx

Thanks all, I know he is just reverting to type but he is really good at manipulating me and making me believe I'm actually at fault! Enough is really enough. I should be enjoying my weekend when my week is stressful enough, not putting up with this stress for something so stupid. @ZebraD haha yes I owe you all a coffee, or a wine 😂i will update later x

Have you had the house valued yet OP? It doesn’t matter if he’s in or not, he knows this relationship isn’t working. Why would he finish it when you are still playing 2/3 of mortgage .

Stick to your guns about the roof. Personally I would only pay 50% of the mortgage until the house was sold and you split. Use that 1/3 to save for a deposit etc.

You are being very brave OP change is hard.

This is a miserable way to go on - I don't know how you can stand it. And it's more than miserable. It's the horrible obsession with money both trivial and substantial, the bubbling resentment and blaming you for his bad temper and bad behaviour.

The thing is you can choose to leave if you want to. If / when you do decide, remind yourself and say to yourself, either silently or out loud 'I choose to do this and I am happy with it'. Doing that frees you in your mind, recognising that it is your free choice and underlining your acceptance of that choice, freely made. Everything else is detail.

If you choose to stay, can you tell yourself 'I choose to stay and I am happy with it'?

If you keep going like a pendulum from one side to the other: I am going... no I'm staying; or re examining: should I stay or should I go? or indecisive: maybe I'll stay or maybe I'll go - depending on what way the wind is blowing from his direction or what whim or mood he exercises from moment to moment, that would be quite wearing and draining on anyone.

I'll be having tea, thanks, no milk or sugar!

I honestly can't even describe what he said to me tonight and I had the subsequent panic that I can't leave for finances. I phoned my mum and told her everything.

And you know what I fucking realised? He will screw me over now or he will screw me over in 10 years but at least I won't be living in this hell. So scared of leaving in terms of money but it will never change with him. So so so so done 🙏

So sorry to read what he is putting you through. It's awful for you at the moment but I am so glad you told your mum so that you do have the support and understanding of close family and friends to lean on. This is getting to the heart of it now where you confront and challenge what is thrown at you.

Fear is real and not to be dismissed and will throw you into a panic initially but the financial issue can be managed and ameliorated once you gather yourself and start thinking and planning how to protect your position, how to claim what you have put in and are entitled to and how you can build up your finances once you leave.

With the a solicitor to guide you and fight your corner and the support of family, you will be able to either stay in the house until a settlement is reached or stay with family or friend or take a room as a lodger in someone's house as a temporary arrangement to weather this storm.

Just remember he is already screwing you over and things can’t get much worse. He’s screwing you over mentally too.
It may cost you in legal fees to leave and split the house but once you’ve left you’ll have less stress.@Pumpkinpie1 made a good suggestion that you pay only half the mortgage from now and use the difference for your getting away fund.
I think you’ll be better off financially once you’ve left.

Scaremongering will be one of the many tactics he’ll try.
Don’t fall for it.

He can only screw you over if you stay with him. From a legal perspective there is only so much he can do. Just leave. He is a twat. You cannot cannot stay for money - your money is not your money the whole time you are with him. Get a solicitor appointment booked this week and start getting things formalised.

Ps what did your mum say x

@ZebraD you're right and he is trying to scare me but I need to remember it's just his opinion. He basically said I own half the house but I owe 2/3 of the mortgage so with that logic I'd basically owe him 10k to get out of the house which clearly isn't right. He was basically telling me i don't realise how good I've got it and he's such a good boyfriend letting me have half the house 😂My mum (who never swears) said he is a fucking arsehole and to just leave and they will help me financially if I need to borrow money etc in the short term. Haven't seen him this morning but I'm about to go home and the only words I have in my head currently are that I'm fucking done

The house needs to go on the market now !
you have already seen a solicitor - he doesn't know that !

find a rental that will accept the dog and go
you have just said that Mum will help you financially if needed

you were almost ready to leave a couple of weeks ago

he hasn't been a boyfriend for a long time, you share a house with him - which you pay 2/3 of the mortgage ! to him you are an open purse
and he just keeps taking and wanting more