Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

@ZebraD you're so right about grieving for this while I'm still in it as I really do think once I finally leave I won't have any doubts. So so craving my own space and I think that will be the thing that finally drives me to leave.

I don't think I need to rent as soon as I tell him, I think he will try to buy my share with the help of his parents though so I think even if I had money to buy somewhere (🙏) I'd have some time where I need a rental so just trying to plan for that - the solicitor did agree don't leave straight away unless he becomes aggressive it's just I know it won't line up perfectly and worried about being a bit short for a deposit on a place I'd want to buy!

Now how lovely would that be if he just bought you out! Fingers crossed!!
you sound really sure of where you are at, very different from the start…there is a confident edge to you now. It’s really nice to hear after how upset you were at the beginning of your posts x

I’ve just found this thread OP.
just wanted to send you some encouragement. You can do this.
Also - you don’t need to get him to agree with you that the relationship is over. It’s ok for you to decide it’s ended without him being a party to that.

are you still seeing your counselor? Have the two of you had a chance to go over what you might say and how you might shut down any of his comments so they don’t lead to a discussion?
would that help?

I sometimes have to have really uncomfortable discussions with team members and I find role playing it in my head before hand, or thinking about how I’d frame the conversation if I was a big wig ceo type helpful sometimes. Gives me confidence to rip off the bandaid.

You can do it! We believe in you.

We were chatting about money again tonight and he asked me if I'd have a few grand for the roof again, like the conversation last week never happened. He then came to say goodnight and was very apologetic that he's really sorry for forgetting our conversation last week and he didn't mean to put pressure on me about the roof, that he'll be able to cover it. He is just fucking with my head too much. One minute I want to trust him and give him a chance but he's constantly making me doubt him. I don't know if I can even take the apology at face value or if he just realised he fucked up.

Funny how he never accidentally forgets he’s a moneygrubbing controlling tight ass and is very open and generous and supportive. Because that’s the real him.

I think you need to reread all the posts you have written on your thread.

Where do you see yourself in 6 months time
a years time
5 years time
10 years time
etc.

I have no idea how old you are, but i do know that you have mentioned the words ' marriage ' and ' maternity leave ' in this thread - so you are still young enough to have children.

You have a good job, and it just got better.

Reading your posts - it'a all about the house and the repairs.

where is the romance ? was there ever romance
does he love you
or are you a convenient person to pay half of the house renovations...

the only bit of joy I can find in your posts is... the dog.

there has to be more to life than just house repairs ?

what is next on his list of things to do to the house ?
is there ever going to be an end to it
then what

you want to travel. do it.

you cannot keep on living your life like this, can you ? really ?

what do you want out of life, what do you want for yourself

we all know what he wants - half of the roof paid for.

OP, just how much more bullshit are you prepared to take from this man? When he asked about the money for the roof again, he hadn't forgotten, he thought he'd try again to see if you were more amenable to it for some reason. What exactly are you afraid will happen if you leave?

I don't believe he forgot. But what do I know - I wasn't there but I'm an old cynic by now and would like something better for you than this never-ending meanness. He has a nerve trying to get more money out of you, before martyr-like 'apologising' and saying "I can manage" - poor little me - when the real sum of money is not even being mentioned. I mean the one which you've been overpaying for years for the mortgage or repairs or whatever. I wonder when he is going to make that the subject of discussion. The twelfth of never, I guess.

he has obviously been festering about this. You don’t just come out with something so important like that having forgotten a conversation from such a short time ago as it was something of significance. If he was asking can you for get a pint of milk - that is forgettable not a roof!
has any of your conversations covered the fact that you pay more of the mortgage?

He didn’t forget. He is testing you. Trying to see if he can wear you down. You know it. You wrote it in your post that he is fucking with your head.
Honour that internal voice - it is trying to keep you safe. She knows you are worthy of more than this.

Well he said he would try to do better and he has now done the same thing again.

He said he didn't want you to be in debt while he had savings. Has he sorted this out even on paper with you?

Or, instead of making a new proposal for how to manage your overpaying of the mortgage and the credit card, has he asked you for roof money AGAIN?

If you are staying, the finances have to be restructured, and if neither of you can do that you need to save yourself.

Trust your gut, @runningaway90. It’s ok that this isn’t happening overnight and that it’s hard. But you KNOW that you deserve better. And you WILL get there. Keep on checking in, knowing we’re all here, cheering you on.

un MN hug. Xx

Thank you all this is what I needed to hear and I'm glad I posted about it. Somehow when he does this stuff it still has the same effect of manipulating me rather than seeing him for what he is.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon you have sunmed it up. All he cares about is money and house repairs and I can't keep living life like this. You're also right when you say there is no romance and the dog is my main source of joy.

You are all so so right. He has proved yet again he's not changing and this money is going to be held over me and used to stop me going on holiday and living my life.

@ZebraD also yes we discussed the extra mortgage last week and he claimed I was paying more due to my salary being higher which I then reminded him was not the case at all. He said we would re-evaluate next year when we remortgage but yeah I just don't trust a word he says about money any more.

Thank you all for giving my head a wobble. 5 months is long enough to be worrying and thinking about this everyday it shouldn't be this hard.

Well that’s good that you will re-evaluate next year - because that’s what he said…nevermind what you want hey…:-/

He didn’t forget. Despite promising he can change, he’s actually spent the week cross that he said he’d pay for the roof. He was testing you to try get you to back down, to go back to his way of doing things.

That is not showing you he can change. One week and he’s already trying to wear you down and go back to his old ways.

Yes running away - it doesn’t have to be this hard.

Sometimes we find the best parts of ourselves by landing in a tough situation and getting ourselves out of it. It might be hard and uncomfortable for a bit, but there is lot and peace and kindness and joy to be found when you choose the right people to be in your life.

You can do it. You can do hard things. And you are worthy of believing in better for yourself.

you should be worth more than to yourself than anyone else even than your own children because it’s the only way to for you look after your own needs above another person.
thats not the same as saying you don’t give or share or care in relationships or being selfish or not compassionate but we have to keep our worth in priority so we actually are able enforce our boundaries and needs and not allow others to erode them either unintentionally or in your case maliciously!

So
It comes down to this you need to decide that you are worth to yourself more than him.

you are the only thing you can control no matter how hard you wish it you can’t change someone else’s behaviour only your own.

you need to decide you are worth more than this and act like that by enforcing even if you love him if it means that by enacting that you are scared or he’ll not be happy because ultimately this is your life and you only get one!
do you really want to look back and see all these wasted years? And worse look back and know you knew this (as you do now) but couldn’t bring yourself to put your life first.

Thank you all. I know I am literally wasting my life here and destroying my mental health on this constant merry go round of him promising to change and letting me down. I know I deserve to have freedom from his manipulation and control of my own finances, and I'm trying to visualise what the future could be like whether thats alone or with someone else. I literally know what my future is going to be like with him in 5 years time so I just need to be clear on that and stop wishing and hoping that he will somehow change. And also need to stop feeling sorry for him and putting his needs above my own as I have been so used to doing for the last several years.

I think you need a frank conversation about whether you are both happy and your aspirations- maybe they were aligned at the start but perhaps they are very different now. I think that could be a starting point . Nothing wrong with feeling sorry for someone - I felt sorry for my ex husband because he couldn’t see how he destroyed our marriage until it was too late and he was devastated but I had already checked out. I actually thought it was a bit arrogant to expect me to hang on in there after all the bad behaviour. Anyhoo feeling sorrow for someone is not enough. You’re not his guardian angel to save him in the world particularly when it is at the expense of your happiness. You can part on good terms and wish each other well. Is he happy? Ask him maybe? Get the conversation going…only if you are ready x

I think the trouble is that it’s not possible to have a frank and honest conversation with someone so manipulative.

He won’t listen and OP will be found to be to blame for just about everything and then he’ll mention being owed money for the roof. It will be a guilt trip.

Best way to deal with such people is to make your plans quietly then just leave when you’re ready.

@Moosegooseontheloose yeah I do agree with you as any time I have brought up any of the issues they've been twisted and I almost feel like I go back several steps by speaking to him as he makes me doubt myself. I was genuinely planning to leave last weekend and had a plan in place but somehow got talked round so I think next time I just have to say it's over and not even discuss why. I know will be hard but he just uses it as an opportunity to manipulate me.

@ZebraD you're right about feeling sorry for him isn't enough and I do feel checked out now. I don't think he is happy either but clinging on to this most likely for my financial contribution. I do think even without all the other crap, we just ultimately want different things which is why I feel like I'm living the life he wants.

Ah I just want this hard part to be over with!

You know once you have done it you will be fine. There is always sadness at the end of a relationship about what could have been etc but you are where you are now and things happen for a reason. Well done for nearly getting there. Maybe this weekend will be different…

The power imbalance plays out in an established pattern where he dominates and his will prevails, whether it is in the conversation itself or in the financial arrangements for the mortgage etc which haven't changed, despite any conversation there has been or talk of splitting. (Not clear if OP actually told him she was going to leave last weekend.)

It is extremely difficult to break the set pattern of years and occupy a different role where you take the lead, plus he knows how to ward off any threat to the status quo and guide you back into your accustomed role and passive acceptance that what he wants and says, goes. An additional hurdle may be the fear of actually declaring your decision and intention to him, as well as taking the decision itself - both fears compounding and undermining your will to make a break.

When I checked out of my marriage due to ex dh’s manipulation and psychological warfare, I dreaded having to take the huge step of breaking up, the uncertainty and what the future held. That was the hard part. Once I did it, I did wonder why I didn’t do it sooner.

Ultimately, it got to the point I couldn’t stand being anywhere near him so I moved out for about a year ( with my mum). I just needed my own space away from him.
I got things sorted via my lawyer, remortgaged in my name only and bought him out. Then moved back in.

OP you’ll get to the point where you’ve totally just had enough and that will be the day you leave.

There’s the analogy of the piece of string being stretched until it snaps. When it snaps, you tell him it’s over and move out. You can only put up with so much.

Thanks all. Feel like I am getting there and just trying to process it all in my head. Would be so easy to stay short term and ignore it but I need to think of the bigger picture and what my future will be like if I did